LOOKOUT, GUYS! THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT NOW!

This is a call to action for all my brothers out there! There's a friggin' app for that now! It turns out; a Canadian doctor created a new smart phone app that accurately predicts the size of a man's penis using a set of seemingly inane criteria, including height, finger length, shoe size, etc. That's right! So, for those of you who aren't as blessed as I am, there's no hiding anymore because you know girls, or guys, in the clubs will have this app to size up their men.

The Predicktor, as it is called, was created by Toronto Physician, Dr. Craig Culligan, and functions as a "calculator that attempts to predict his penis size by cross referencing trends from scientific studies with his personal stats like height and finger length," reads the apps website. The app shares scientific journal articles reporting on men's health and sexuality, including actual distribution of penis size, as found in peer review journals. The app also touches on selected literature, which studies what women really think about the men's private parts rather than the locker room giggles. These are actual results from surveys. To gauge the size of a man's erect penis, the user must enter the subject's height, sexual orientation and finger length. The app also comes with a handful of educational features, including informational literature and the ability to compare your girth with penises around the world. Once you get this app, it will be hard for people to say that "You don't know Dick!"

The point of The Predicktor, according to Culligan, wasn't to be 100% accurate, but rather to provide men with a better idea of the range in sizes out there and soothe "the penis-related insecurity, anxiety or dissatisfaction" men have about themselves. He went on to say, "It's not how long your pencil is, but how you write your name." Wait! Is that like, "It's not how small the wave is, it's the motion of the ocean?" Really? If size didn't really matter, then an app like this would be unnecessary. So, apparently, size is important to some people. Like, I said, not problems here, but to the rest of my "small-half-grape-sized" brothers, they can find you now! Start lying about your height, shoes size and finger length if you want to survive this app! The Predicktor costs $3 and is currently only available for Android-operated phones. I can't believe there's an app for that now! Check out the commercial below: