About This Blog....

Welcome to a blog that has become home of the stupid....And what I think about their stupidity.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

NEW TATT-EW

     For those of you who didn't know, I am a monthly tattoo columnist for a weekly publication called The Aquarian Weekly. Every month, I write about various tattoo shops in the tri-state area and beyond. In my time as writer for the column, I've seen some pretty amazing shops. I've also seen some nightmares of a tattoo shop. I've seen one shop re-use needles, which is absolutely disgusting! Some shops even use the wrong ink to save a few bucks. Trust me, people! Do your research before you get a tattoo! These things can last a lifetime. Think before you ink!

     This is 31-year-old Loni Tate. I bet she wishes she would have done some research before she got her tattoo. She ended up going to Harlem's Black Ink Tattoo Studio, which was featured on a reality TV show on VH1, her experience ended with her being hospitalized with an infection and permanent scarring. That is so messed up! Tate, who is a tattoo aficionado, said, "I have never been through anything like that." 

     The Harlem native got her first tattoo, a large Day of the Dead skull on her back, in 2012. She says she thinks tattoos are cool and a good way to express yourself. Tate said she went to the Lenox Avenue shop for her sixth tattoo because she's a fan of "Black Ink Crew," the VH1 show about the business. Tate said that she got a tattoo there back in January of 2014 on her arm of a butterfly flying out of a skull, which was very happy with. But her return trip three months later for a custom rose design on her forearm by another artist turned into a nightmare. 

     The artist, Kelvin Cepeda, said he had to leave for "an event" about three hours in, and told her to come back the next day so he could finish her up. She went back the next day and was surprised to see he had a tattoo gun already set up when she walked in. Real tattoo artists normally open the needles and set everything up in front of you. The red on black and the black on red design came out just as she hoped, but three days later, Tate was in excruciating pain. She texted Cepeda about the pain, but he told her she'd feel better in a couple days. Tate didn't feel better and the pain got worse and worse. 


      Tate said, "I felt like my arm was on fire, like I'd been burned." The ink started swelling and oozing out and Tate wound up in the hospital for four days while doctors battled the deep infection. Tate believes Cepeda used a dirty tattoo needle on her. She's suing the the shop for unspecified damages, while her lawyer is calling for stricter regulations for city tattoo shops. He's absolutely right! When you get a tattoo, it's almost like undergoing minor surgery. You have to be able to trust these artists and the environment needs to be a safe one. 

     This is the third lawsuit brought against Black Ink. Another action earlier this month involved permanent scarring left on the breast of a woman from South Carolina, who'd asked Black Ink artists to cover her old unicorn and horseshoe tattoos with fruits and vegetables to reflect her new interest in cooking. Black Ink Crew is scheduled to return for a third season on VH1 this August. VH1 might want to rethink using this shop as their shop to promote. This is horrible. I've never seen an infection like this in all my years covering tattoo shops. One of the questions I always ask is about the sterilization process in their shops. I always get a thorough answer from the shop's owner or manager. Many tattoo artists are certified to work with blood. I'm not so sure Black Ink has too many certified artists or this would have never happened.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

HE SAID SPIT, RIGHT?

     Normally, when I write about a high school teacher or a coach; it has to do with that teacher or coach violating the student sexually. Amidst all of this Baltimore rioting crap, this kind of absurd story came through the news wires. 

     So, this is Justin Hill, a North Carolina high school baseball coach who was recently suspended after he forced his players to spit on his face in a bizarre punishment for cutting practice. At first, I was confused as to who was being punished--Him or his player. Apparently, he was punishing his players because he allegedly became angry after nine players skipped training at Currituck County High School on April 3. I'm still confused at how spitting on him is a punishment to his players. I would have loved to spit on my coach if he asked me to. Then again, this might have been a fetish he was trying to fulfill. 

     Hill demanded his players eject their saliva onto his head at the following meet-up on April 6. It was his bizarre way of calling their tardiness "disrespectful." Oh, so basically, he's saying, "You disrespect me so much, it's like spitting on my face?" I guess it's a good thing he didn't say, "You disrespect me so much, it's like you're shitting all over me!" That would have been a bigger story about a coach forcing his players to shit all over him as a punishment. In my mind, that would have been pretty amazing!

     Hill , who graduated from Currituck in 1996, was reportedly suspended for one game. He has since returned and apologized to the players. I remember when I was in high school many, many years ago; we had a basketball coach named Chuck and he was pretty orthodox in his coaching too. During games he would throw these tantrums and yell at us during his half-time prep talk. When we were losing, which was all the time, he used to say things like "With everything that you learned in practice, this is the best that you can do? Do I look like a hooker to you? Because your fucking me right in the ass!" Can you imagine if he was like this coach and made us do that? That would be whole different blog, though!

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

HOW DO YOU FIX THE POTHOLE PROBLEM? THIS ARTIST HAS A SOLUTION.....

     Am I the only one in America who could care less about the riots in Baltimore? If those animals in Baltimore want to burn down their city and act like assholes let them! It's so stupid! It's sad too because I thought Baltimore was a beautiful city with a great baseball stadium. Besides, we have a bigger problem up here in the north. With all of the snow we had this winter, there were salt trucks. Those salt trucks led to salt eating our roadways, which led to potholes. Potholes lead to damaged tires, rims and car alignment. Our tax dollars are supposed to go to fixing those potholes, yet it seems we have more potholes than ever. I drove up north this past weekend and the highways are so bad and filled with potholes. How can we get rid of these annoying potholes? Well, there's an artist from Manchester, England, who has an idea and I think it's brilliant!

     Armed with a can of washable spray paint, this artist has embarked on a worthy crusade to rid his region of potholes by drawing penises or women with their legs spread on them. That...Is...Awesome! The anonymous artist, who goes by the name "Wansky," said he decided to draw attention to the "appalling" pothole-ridden streets after some of his cyclist friends were badly injured on the roads. Oh, I didn't think of that one. You can add that to the list of reasons why potholes are bad. Wansky told the Manchester Evening News, "I wanted to attract attention to the pothole and make it memorable. Nothing seemed to do this better than a giant comedy phallus. It's also speedy, I don't want it to be in the road for a long time. It seems to have become my signature. I just want to make people smile and draw attention to the problem."

      The artist, who uses non-permanent paint that he says washes out within a week or two, says that his scheme has proven successful thus far, with the potholes apparently getting fixed much quicker. He said, "People will drive over the same pothole and forget about it. Suddenly, you draw something amusing around it, everyone sees it and either gets reported or fixed."

     Wanksy, whose pseudonym was inspired by street artist Banksy, has apparently won himself many fans for his antics. However, the local government is not as amused. A council spokesman in Bury, a town in Greater Manchester told the Evening News that the artist's actions "are not only stupid but incredibly insulting to local residents. Has this person, for just one second, considered how families with young children must feel when they are confronted with these obscene symbols as they walk to school? Not only is this vandalism, but it's also counter-productive. Every penny that we have to spend cleaning off this graffiti is a penny less that we have to spend on actually repairing the potholes."


     Who are they kidding? The artist is using washable paint that allegedly washes off with water. Was the artist's tactic effective? I'd say it was because those potholes were filled. Who cares if families with children saw these x-rated drawings? These dangerous potholes should have been fixed. What were they waiting for? For it to stop snowing? Well, it stopped snowing! I think we should start drawing these x-rated pictures on our potholes, as well. Something needs to light a fire under our local government's asses.

Monday, April 27, 2015

YOU MEAN I CAN STILL GET LAID AFTER I'M DEAD?

     I need to thank my bud, Dennis Cronin for this amazing story. You can't make this stuff up! So, apparently, when I pass on; my wife can still have her way with me. Better yet, she can still have her way with my ashes! That's right! Now, you can have your ashes used in a sex toy, so your partner can remember your more intimate moments together. Designer Mark Sturkenboom hopes it's fad that will catch on. I wish I was kidding!

       Sturkenboom created a memory box that includes a necklace and an amplifier for playing music that reminds you of the deceased. There's also a scent diffuser (still not sure what that is for) and a gold-plated urn. Let's be honest, though, it's the dildo containing the ashes of the owner's dearly departed, that really grabs the attention of this memory box. Sturkenboom said of his bizarre invention, "After a passing, the missing of intimacy with that person is only one aspect of the pain and grief. This forms the base for 21 Grams. The urn offers the possibility to conserve 21 grams of ashes of the deceased and displays an immortal desire." He continued, "I sometimes help an elderly lady with her groceries and she had an urn standing near the window with the remains of her husband. She always speaks with so much love about him, but the jar he was in didn't reflect that at all. In that same period, I read an article about widows, taboos and sex and intimacy and then I thought to myself, 'can I combine these themes and make an object that is about love and missing and intimacy?'"

     Um, what a weirdo, first of all. Secondly, how many women in their 80s are still even sexually active for a dildo to even be relevant? This sex toy would have to be a widow who is still relatively you and misses her husband who died at a young age. If that were the case, though; the widow might still be young enough to still find herself a young buck. Unless, she really misses her husband. I'm not sure how shoving an urn with his ashes in it into your aging vajay-jay will help fill that void, but what ever floats your boat I guess. What is Sturkenboom going to make for men who lose their wives first? A hand lotion made from the deceased wives ashes? I don't know this whole thing is crazy, but thank you Dennis for sharing this story. The memory box is called 21 Grams, if any of you are in the market, and is said to be the weight of the human soul. That's according to that weirdo Sturkenboom.

Friday, April 24, 2015

DON'T EAT THE YELLOW ICE

     Here's a story I wish I never read. Especially because we've been planning a family trip to Orlando, Florida at the end of the year. Remember the old phrase, "Don't eat yellow snow"? Well, this guy takes that phrase to a whole new level with his recent actions. You might not want to drink any ice that comes from a hotel lobby after you read this. 

     So, a British man vacationing in the touristy Orlando, got a chance to tour the local jail recently, as well, after he allegedly urinated in the ice machine at his hotel. 41-year-old Andrew Wood was arrested early Tuesday morning after a security officer at the Hard Rock Hotel reported a very intoxicated man in the lobby. The security guard told police he had seen Wood pissing into the ice machine, but said the suspect refused several times to identify himself or the room he was staying in.  

     The guard gave Wood the option of staying in his room for the night, but he refused, which led to the call to the police. Responding officers said Wood reeked of alcohol and kept making random outbursts as if he had Tourettes. Wood was arrested for disorderly conduct and taken to the Orange County Jail where he reportedly continued to be disruptive. Wood pleaded guilty to the misdemeanor on Tuesday and was sentenced to a day in jail and a $500 fine. That's all? The guy pisses in the ice machine, which is a health hazard to all patrons of the hotel and all he got was one day and a $500 fine? What is wrong with our judicial system? Who cares if her was here as a tourist? If any of us peed in the ice machine at a hotel near Buckingham Palace, you can bet your ass, we're not only getting one day and $500 fine. 

     Rooms at the Orlando Hard Rock Hotel are nearly $300 a night on the average. The Orange County Jail was free for Wood. Unfortunately, it's invite only. Personally, I would have extended his invitation. 

Thursday, April 23, 2015

SOUNDS OF LOVE.....OR IS IT JUST SEX?

     I remember when I was younger, which was a long time ago, we had a friend, who shall remain nameless but you know who you are; anyway, he used to have sex with his girlfriend at the time in one of the bedrooms at the Jersey shore house that we used to rent for one week every summer. Nothing wrong with that, right? The problem was, we had to hear it the entire time they were doing it. It was so loud, it wouldn't surprise me if the neighbors heard it. And they wouldn't do it just once. It was the entire week! I mean this guy was a champ and we used to bust his balls about it. 

     I guess that's okay when you're young and you're with your buds, but it's probably not okay when you live in an apartment complex and you're that loud. Just ask Siddarth Shah, whose Brooklyn breakfast is served four times a week with a side order of unbridled passion from the noisiest lovers on that side of the Hudson River. 29-year-old Shah said, "They go in all places in the apartment: the bedroom, the living room, the front door. You can hear it. A lot of moaning, the woman mostly. She screams, 'Yes! Yes! Yes!'" How can he be so sure it's sex though? Maybe she's watching a soccer game? 

     The Bay Ridge couple's high-decibel romancing drew a half-dozen complaint calls to the city's 311 line from neighbors rattled by sex that practically registered on the Richter scale. Neighbors identified the couple as a blonde woman living in a fourth-floor apartment and her boyfriend of two years, who works in the building as a handyman. The guy, who is 25-years-old, was stunned by the news, insisting he and his girlfriend were no noisier than anyone else in the building, or the city. I was actually going to say that this is New York City, which has lots of loud noises; is it possible that this couple is louder than the noises of the city that never sleeps? The handyman says, "I don't think it's true. Other people male louder noises. Everyone has their own way."

     The handyman's pregnant partner in crime says, "I'm in my own apartment. I'm not hurting anybody. They are going about it the wrong way." The angry callers from inside the Ridge Boulevard building detailed heavy-duty canoodling conducted with the windows open at 4 a.m. at an ear splitting volume between October and December 2014. Police have not been able to verify the noise complaint because every time they arrive, the couple is done. Shah said, "They go for 15 minutes at a time or sometimes more. They are having a good time."

     According to DNAinfo.com, citywide, there were 133 complaints received on the 311 line from New Yorkers upset about their neighbors' booming sexual encounters. Brooklyn topped that list with 42 calls and Queens followed with 37 calls and the Bronx with 31. All I have to say about this is that it happens. It's natural behavior. People want to have sex with each other and you can't stop that. What is complaining to police going to do except nothing because they're not breaking any laws. They're just loud. Turn your TV or radio up if you don't like it. Yeah, 4 a.m. does suck to be woken up by some sexual moans, but it is what it is. If anyone should be embarrassed it should be the blonde and her handyman. In fact, if I lived in that building and I saw the handyman, I might give him a round of applause for an excellent performance. Nothing could be more embarrassing than that. 

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

IPHONE VS. ANDROID....THE FIGHT CONTINUES....LITERALLY!


     The ongoing debate among smartphone users is iPhone or smartphone. I've had this argument with my friends, my family and even my own wife. I am a dedicated iPhone user, but my wife has a Samsung Galaxy. I like what my iPhone does for ME. She like what the Samsung does for HER, yet whenever something goes wrong with HER phone, I hear, "Babe, can you figure out what's wrong with my phone?" If she only stuck to the iPhone, I'd be able to help her. Unfortunately, I'm an iPhone guy, so I kindly tell her that she'll have to Google it and figure it out herself. This happens quite frequently, in case you're thinking about switching to Samsung's product. I never have problems with my iPhone. (knock on wood!)

     Anyway, one debate in Tulsa, Oklahoma, led to a man being stabbed and knocked out. Yup! Police in Tulsa arrested a man who allegedly stabbed his roommate early Friday morning. 21-year-old Elias Acevedo and his roommate, Jiaro Mendez, got wasted in the parking lot of the apartment complex in which they live. At some point, they began arguing over which smartphone was better, Android or Apple? 

     During the argument, Acevedo allegedly struck Mendez in the back of the head with a beer bottle. He then left his roomie on the ground. Police were called to the scene after getting a report of a bleeding man stumbling around the area. They found Mendez covered in blood and he told them about the Apple versus Android debate with Acevedo. Mendez's car was found in the parking lot. Acevedo was found in the apartment he shared with the victim. He was covered in blood with several lacerations on his body. 


     Both Mendez and Acevedo were taken to local hospitals and treated for non-life-threatening injuries. Acevedo was charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon. Jail records also show he was being held for Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Did I say in the beginning of this blog that people are morons? At the end of the day, does it really matter which phone is better? Like I tell my wife, it's all preference. Whichever phone works best for you; that's the one you should be using. Don't buy a phone because it looks cool. It has to work cool too! The debate is certainly not worth smashing a bottle over someone's head. Unreal!

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

THIS BUD'S FROM POO!

     Originally, I was going to write about a story sent in from my friend's Brett and Chrissy. They sent me a story from Japan, where kids where poop hats and jump into a giant toilet so they can learn about the importance of a toilet. I thought that was absolutely amazing until I stumbled across this story, which is even shittier! You beer lovers are going to love this one!

     Most who know me, know that I have an allergy to alcohol; therefore, I don't drink. I'm not saying that I never have. I just choose not to so I can avoid all of the allergic reactions I get from drinking anything alcoholic. I know it sounds weird, but ask an Asian friend. Most of them have this problem also, but most choose to drink through it. I'd rather stay sober and make fun of everyone else, or at least, sniff glue to make up for being sober. Anyway, I always thought that beer had a shitty taste anyway, but now the taste of beer in Oregon is about to get even shittier!

     Maybe someday, they'll be able to change slogan from "This Bud's for You" to "This Bud's from Poo." An Oregon government environmental  panel has approved a plan for local brewers to use recycled sewage water, a source of H2O that the group says will be be increasingly necessary due to climate change. That's right! If you drink a beer in Oregon, chances are you are drinking recycled sewage! I'm so happy I don't drink right about now. 

     A utility company called Clean Water Services will give the repurposed water to Oregon Brew Crew, a Portland-based home brewing club that will use the funkified water to highlight the need for new sources of water. It takes an average of five barrels of water to make one barrel of beer, according to Lee Hedgmon, the president of Oregon Brew Crew. She added, "Brewing is a very water-intensive process. I think breweries would benefit from ways to conserve." 

     The salvaged spirit will be tested by health officials, but the Oregon Health Authority says it will be safe because of "the high quality of the treated water, additional microbial reduction in the brewing process, and a low health risk over all." Um, how about the poo particles and whatever else is found in sewage? How the beer will taste is anyone's guess. That's because everyone is afraid to be a guinea pig and try it! Would you try this beer knowing it was made from recycled sewage water? I don't drink, so I can't really answer that question, but if I did? Oh, hell no! 

     Water comprises more than 90 percent of beer and most breweries take great pains to highlight the pristine quality of their water. Doesn't Coors and Coors Light do that? Taste the Rockies? Well, it's also unclear whether consumers will ever drink a product made from recycled waste water anyway, when they can enjoy a cold, clear, mountain runoff. What would they call this beer anyway? Jersey Turnpike? 

Friday, April 17, 2015

GAME OF THRONE

     Okay, this is going to be a quick and informative blog today because I have to prepare for an interview with Anthrax drummer Charlie Benante....and there's really nothing in the news that I really wanted to write about. My friends Brett and Chrissy did send me a video that's been posted all over Facebook last week regarding a Japanese karaoke contest that featured a man singing karaoke while a Japanese girl pulled on his weiner while he sang. Hilarious to watch, but I'm not sure I could have translated that into my blog. Definitely, check that out, though! And do any of us really care about ESPN reporter Britt McHenry's rant? That's a big NO!

     And as if the release of that new Star Wars tease trailer wasn't enough to make you geek out yesterday. Here's a little something for you Game of Thrones fans to make you geek out even more! Have you ever wanted to sit on that Iron Throne that Joffrey Baratheon and King Robert Baratheon have sat; now you can! Only this throne won't grant its sitter dominion over the seven kingdoms (unless you count your turds as kingdoms), but ruling the bathroom is totally fair game!

     Tim Baker, the lead designer at a prop-making studio in Los Angeles, built a Game of Thrones-themed Iron Throne toilet as a surprise for superfan John Giovanazzi, who owns an appropriately geeked-out bar in Glendale, California called Complex. Baker says, "I've never really had my work used for this exact purpose," as he gazed at the toilet made from more than 250 swords. 

     Baker added that everything was made from scratch including the toilet-roll holder, crafted out of a tastefully-fashioned sword hilt. Baker promised the throne could be easily cleaned, despite all the nooks and crannies, as it's covered in a durable marine resin. 

     The funny thing about this toilet is that someone Tweeted, "There's a line of people taking Iron Throne pics at @ComplexLA so this isn't creepy." That is pretty hilarious! I have to admit, though, I would totally take a dragon-fire dump in this thing just to say that I did.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

NAKED TWISTER ANYONE?

     Okay, so I received this story yesterday afternoon from three different people. Should I be worried that I might have fallen into a niche with my writing? Better yet, it's a good thing when people think about me first when they see sex stories, pooping stories or drug-related stories, right? Maybe, I need to start re-branding. 

     Anyway, let me just dive into this one because it's so good! By the way, thank you to Edmund, Hector and Jason for each sending me this story. I feel so honored! So, a Georgia mother was arrested for throwing a wild, naked Twister party for her teen daughter and her friends after her Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor ratted her out. That's right! Naked Twister! God, I miss those days. I mean....

     The crazy night began after Rachel Lehnhardt's 16-year-old texted her asking if she can bring some friends over "to party." The 35-year-old mother of five replied, "Come on, let's party!" Lehnhardt provided weed and alcohol to the partying teens at her Evans home before joining them in a game that became naked Twister. The former Mormon Sunday school teacher (that's the best part!) found an 18-year-old to have a private game of Twister with and the two snuck off to a bathroom to bang. Um, wow! I mean, he was 18-years-old. That is legal, right?

     The bridal shop employee was still horned up, so she brought her sex toys into the living room and used them in front of the group. I'm actually speechless right now and that is very hard to do. Is it getting hot in here or is it me? The sordid party then continued in Lehnhardt's hot tub before she passed out in her bed. She would wake up at around 3:30 am only to find her daughter's 16-year-old boyfriend having his way with her at the "Stick-It Inn." According to the A.A. sponsor, "Her daughter 'felt guilty' because the 16-year-old boy was 10-inches long and huge (and named Tim), and if she had been able to take it, he wouldn't have needed to rape her mother." Oh yeah, that's a very good reason! "You can't fit into my virgin-sized cherry hole, so go bang my mother's gaping wide vagina!" I can see the logic!

     The boy is not facing any charges for rape because there was no evidence of rape since Lehnhardt resfuses to discuss the case. A source close to Lehnhardt did say the rape made her realize that her drinking, which she started doing when she separated from her husband in November, was a problem. The sordid party also forced Lehnhardt to lose custody of her children, ages 4, 6, 8, 10 and 16 on April 6. 


     Growing up in the Mormon Church, Lehnhardt never touched a drop of alcohol before her husband of 15 years came back from a deployment to Iraq in 2010. The party made Lehnhardt decide to go sober and four days later, she met with a woman in A.A., who she knew from her Mormon Church. She spilled the salacious details about the party and reportedly admitted to showing photos of her having sex with her boyfriend to her 16-year-old daughter. The sponsor, who "struggled" to look like she wasn't judging Lehnhardt during the tale, reported the rager to police on Friday. 

     Lehnhardt was arrested on two counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and was released on a $3,200 bond. According to her attorney, some of the accusations have been exaggerated, but he never said what was exaggerated. I'm sure she still played naked Twister, banged that 18-year-old, supplied the booze and weed and even banged her 16-year-old daughter's boyfriend knowingly. I'm not really sure what was exaggerated. The attorney went on to say that Lehnhardt was attempting to accept responsibility for her conduct and will do everything in her power to make amends with the public and her children and never allow conduct like this to be repeated. I have to admit, though, I'll never look at naked Tw...I mean Twister the same again. I will also admit that Lehnhardt is not a bad-looking girl either. It's too bad she got herself into this trouble.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

NOW THIS IS MY TYPE OF FUNERAL!

     I know this is pretty morbid to think about, but when I was younger, my cousin and I would talk about our funerals if and when we died. We both agreed that we didn't want that traditional Chinese music playing in the background, nor did we want it to be silent. We wanted songs like Zeppelin's "Stairway To Heaven" or Metallica's "Fade to Black" playing in the background. Obviously, I opted for Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home." Then we would joke that Ozzy's "Suicide Solution" would really mess our loved ones up. Anyway, we were young and it was just silly intoxicated banter. 

     However, whenever we had these silly discussions, what a Taiwan woman did for her husband's funeral never came to mind. This is amazing for those in attendants, but not so amazing for the deceased. You see; a woman in Taiwan ordered strippers to perform at her husband's funeral as a final gift to her deceased life partner. My wife would never do this. Then again, you never know. 

      Two women dressed in white and knee-high boots (a typical stripper add-on) were hired to perform at the ceremony, which took place this past Sunday, performing what on-lookers described as a "coffin feather dance." The woman, identified only as Jane, said her husband loved beautiful women and arranged for these drop-dead gorgeous entertainers to surprise those in attendance. Surprise? Yeah, I think that would do the trick! The strippers performed for three songs during the ceremony, which unexpectedly featured dance music (not Metallica, Led Zeppelin, Motley Crue or Ozzy Osbourne) The performers disrobed from a towel revealing a tiny bikini, where they also gyrated around and on the coffin. It would have been hilarious if the deceased popped a boner. Come on! How can you not joke about this? The whole idea seems silly!

     The performance snapped a few people out of their grief as they began filming the peep show with their phones. Unfortunately, the service did conclude with a somber drumbeat as the attendees escorted the coffin to its final resting place. Apparently, exotic dances at funerals in Taiwan are not a strange occurrence. They date back to the 1980s and have ties to organized crime, which I doubt this guy was a part of. Maybe he was. Who knows? 

     In the Chinese culture, the more people who attend a funeral means the greater the honor for the deceased. I thought that was in any culture. I do remember hearing that the louder you cry at a Chinese funeral, it showed the amount of respect you had for that person. I remember when we were younger, we used to go to these funerals where our aunts, who were pretty old-school, would cry so loud, we would literally have to wear ear ear plugs. I'm not even kidding. Though some were offended by the stripper practice, it was a way for the family to send off their loved ones with a smile and in the Asian culture, how you send them off is extremely important. If his wife really wanted to send him off with a smile, she would have paid the strippers a little extra for what living and breathing men pay extra for. Okay, too far?  

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

MORE STOLEN VALOR

     I have so much respect for our men and women who defend this country and fight for our freedoms. Do I think we should still be overseas? Hell no! Let those animals kill each other. Why do we even need to be involved. Regardless, my respect for our men and women who fight for our freedoms will never lead me to dressing like them. Don't get me wrong, I will wear camouflage shorts or pants every now and then, but at least, I'm not dressed in full fatigues. To me, that is a lack of respect those who risked their lives for our freedom. Last year, I even wrote about a guy in a Pennsylvania mall around the holidays wearing full fatigues to go shopping so he can receive military discounts. Well, when a video went viral showing his stolen valor, I believe the man was given some jail time because this is a federal offense.

     Well, a new video has risen of another act of stolen valor as a guy decked in military garb at a Florida bar got called out by another patron who accused him of pretending to be an infantryman so he could pick up chicks. In video footage posted by Eric Coins, a young man in civilian clothes quizzes a swaggering older man wearing army fatigues at a watering hole in Sunrise, Florida near Miami. 

     In the video, the uniformed man gets aggressive after being asked where he did his boot camp, why his uniform doesn't have a name badge and whether he had a Geneva Conventions ID Card in the profanity laced video. The two-minute clip starts with the man claiming to have served with the 10th Mountain Division Infantry but struggling to name where he completed his training mumbling that he did it in North Carolina. The women in the group sitting with the uniformed man started to stick up for him asking the young questioner if he had ever served. The group laughed when the questioner admits he's never been in the military. Why would they laugh at him? He's not the one wearing fake military fatigues. I never served in the military and if I saw someone wearing fake fatigues, I would call them out too. Why should they get any of the glory while they sat around and did nothing?

     Not to be deterred, the young man asks about the lack of an identifying name badge on the uniform. One woman intervened to ask the questioner, why he doesn't just "get it over with" and perform oral sex on the older man, which led to a roar of laughter and a high five from the older man in uniform, who explained, "I took it out! You know why I took it out? I don't want nobody to know my name." Okay, so that's not fishy at all. You're wearing a military uniform, but you don't want anyone to know your name? Is that even legal? 

     Another woman called for a time out, but the older man moved at the questioner, "Are you a cop?" The young questioner reminded the man that the U.S. Army Infantry School is located at Fort Benning in Georgia and not in North Carolina. He went on to tell the older man, "You realize what you're doing is a federal offense, right? Where's your Geneva Convention ID card?" The enraged guy in uniform, putting up his dukes says, "What's wrong with this motherfucker? Put your drink away and I'll tell you. Please try me right now!" 

     The two had to be separated by bouncers and it wasn't immediately apparent whether there will be charges in the connection with the incident, but Coins wrote on his YouTube that he and his friends observed the man "trying to pick up girls and get sympathy drinks," so they decided to act. "He's scum to America and we couldn't let that fly!" I say good for them for acting on the fact this guy was stealing valor!

     In 2013, President Obama signed a revision of the Stolen Valor Act, which criminalizes a person who "with intent to obtain money, property or other tangible benefit, fraudulently holds oneself out to be a recipient of a decoration or medal." Violators of the law face fines or up to a year in prison. So, basically, if you see these acts of stolen valor, please report them! I think it's disgusting that these scumbags are stealing valor from people like my brother-in-law, who served two tours for our country! Not even he goes out in his Army fatigues and he deserves to. 

Here is the video for your viewing pleasure: 

Monday, April 13, 2015

SPEED TRAPPED

     In movies, we always saw hot women getting out of traffic violations because they were good looking or dressed scantily. Those movies didn't really shine a good light on police officers, did they? Well, this is 31-year-old former Ohio state trooper Bryan D. Lee. He doesn't really shine a good light on police officers either. 

     Former officer Lee admitted to coercing at least four women into sex acts if he looked the other way on traffic tickets. Well, because of that, he was sentenced to five years in prison on Thursday. I hope he didn't put anyone in that prison he's going to, otherwise, he's going to have a wonderful time in the big house. I hope that blowjob was worth it! 

     So, the 31-year-old former officer admitted he had sex with four women during his eight year career in law enforcement and some of his victims were sexually assaulted while they were under arrest and handcuffed. The disgraced officer pleaded guilty to four counts of violating the civil rights of female motorists and one count of engaging in cyber stalking in October. That's a thing now? Cyber stalking? I guess I better stop doing that since it's illegal. 

     Lee admitted in court that he coerced the four women into sex acts on the condition he would not file criminal charges or write traffic tickets against his victims or their friends. Authorities said he also harassed and threatened some of the victims, including sending a threatening Facebook message to one woman he pulled over twice in one month. He wrote, "Saw you at the fair, Pink Sweatshirt. You not even going to talk to me?" Um, yeah....a little creepy! The charges also included Lee asking one women he pulled over if he could take topless photos of her. He then had sex with her by an abandoned gas station after he tore up the traffic ticket. He also allowed motorists who appeared to be drunk to drive off without an arrest. How did this guy ever get a badge? And he was a state trooper no less!

     Police launched an investigation after reviewing the dashcam footage of multiple stops. Lee's conversations did not appear to be work related. The investigation was started two years after a woman complained that Lee turned off his body microphone during a stop, groped her breasts whole she was handcuffed and rubbed his genitals against her. The woman issued a complaint but police sided with Lee and considered filing charges against her for making false statements. Man, this guy is a creep and the worst part is this was a guy we allowed to protect and serve us. If my wife was pulled over and handcuffed, had her breasts groped and his genitals rubbed all over her, I would want to kill this guy! But what are you supposed to do if he's an officer of the law? Then it puts you in a difficult situation. I hope he gets what he deserves in the big house and becomes someone's bitch! In fact, I would love it if Big Bubba groped Lee's breasts and rubbed his genitals all over him. That would be pretty funny!   

Friday, April 10, 2015

HERE COMES THE BRIDE....AGAIN....AND AGAIN....AND AGAIN.....AND AGAIN......

     Back on New Year's Eve, I got married for the first time......Well, it will be my only time, but the planning that went into this wedding still has my head spinning and what is it? April? I have to say, though, I couldn't have planned it with a better partner than my wife. Then I read a story like this and I just don't get it. 

     This is 39-year-old Liana Barrientos from the Bronx. She's facing felony charges after marrying 10 different men across an 11-year span and here's the kicker, without getting a single divorce from any of her "husbands." Yes, she married 10 different men in 11 years. That's almost one wedding a year! Screw that! I'm saying that because of what my wife and I went through and I think she would agree. This chick did it 10 times and never even bothered divorcing any of them. How the hell did she manage that without the other husband finding out? These poor guys! She's like a modern day Liz Taylor, only Liz actually got divorces. 

     So, Barrientos was charged with filing a fraudulent marriage license application and a bogus marriage license, according to the Bronx District Attorney's office. She was due for an arraignment today in Bronx Supreme Court on two charges of filing a false document. Each count carries a maximum sentence of four years for the no-so-blushing bride. Barrientos, who is originally from the Dominican Republic was outed as a serial spouse following a probe of her most recent nuptials in March 2010. She swore that the no-so-blessed union was her first trip down the aisle, but authorities said Barrientos "was never a bridesmaid and always a bride." 

     Her inability to say "I don't" was finally noted by officials after her tenth marriage to a Bronx man named Salle Keita. According to the complaint, the defendant stated in sum and substance that she did marry Mr. Keita and that was her first and only marriage." A Bronx detective uncovered nine previous marriage licenses from Barrientos, including a half-dozen issued in the span of six busy months. The first license was dated November 5, 1999 to husband Mohamed Gerbril and the last on August 3, 2002 to Kakhaber Khorbaladze, her sixth marriage that year. Wait a minute! Looking at these names; is it possible that she married members of Al-Qaeda to make them U.S. citizens? Is she the Bride of Al-Qaeda? Then again, she's not a U.S. citizen. So, that would be impossible. I guess she had a thing for rich Arab men. The prior licenses were all filed in Long Island and Westchester County. Police had yet to explain the motive for the multiple marriages. 

     A similar case in 2010 in the Bronx involving a different woman was exposed as a cash-for-citizenship scam after the "bride" was busted before saying "I do" to hubby number 5. This new complaint charged that each of the 10 licenses contained Barrientos' Social Security number, date of birth, location of birth and the names of her parents. And the complaint also alleged that the busy bride even identified her signatures on the marriage license application and the actual license from her wedding to Keita. 

     Barrientos, who originally was arrested last November, had a rap sheet dating back to 1997 with arrests for drug possession and loitering in Manhattan. Why do we allow people like this to live in our country? If they live here, they should behave like civil citizens. If they don't behave, send them back to their countries. Why do we need them here? I'm not racist, but I am against allowing immigrants into this country who act like assholes. If we, the United States of America, allows you to live in our country, you should be privileged and not act like a criminal. Come here, make a living and live like we do. Don't come here and cause problems. Go home if you want to act like this! Okay....enough politics! I can go on for days! I just don't get how she was able to marry ten men, never divorce them, and none of them never knew about each other. Can someone explain that to me? 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

I'M ROB LOWE AND THIS IS "I JUST GOT FIRED" ROB LOWE...

     I guess all good things must come to an end because people are never satisfied and have to complain about everything. So, I know I'm not the only one who was entertained by these Direct TV Rob Lowe and his alter-ego campaigns. In fact, I actually looked forward to seeing new ones because they were quite funny. Of course, with everything people like; there has to be a bunch of people who don't like and have to complain and therefore, Rob Lowe and his alter-ego have to go bye-bye.

     DirectTV has decided to end their ad campaign with Lowe and his funny yet creepy alter-egos after complaints indicated the commercials were misleading. Last weekend, the satellite provider moved on to a new series of commercial spots featuring Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover model Hannah Davis and a talking horse. Oh, yeah! That's entertaining! Don't worry, DirectTV's relationship with Lowe has not been strained nor is it completely over. DirectTV senior vice president of marketing, Jon Gieselman said, "We've talked with Rob about doing something else in the future. He loves the campaign. He's completely gotten into the characters."

     Following multiple complaints from cable company Comcast, who might be the worst cable company I've ever had, filed complaints three months ago with the Better Business Bureaus' National Advertising Division, who ruled in Comcast's favor and issued recommendations to DirectTV based on the claims. The omission of Lowe's signature line, "Don't be like this me. Get rid of cable and upgrade to DirectTV," was among the NAD recommedations because it "conveyed a comparative and unsupported superiority message." They also found no evidence that DirectTV had a great signal reliability, shorter customer service wait times and better pictures and sound quality than cable. Yeah? So what? In advertising, the idea is to persuade customers to buy your product with whatever clever copy you need to use. I would think that a company like DirectTV would've done their research before making statements like these anyway. Regardless, Comcast sounds like a bunch of sore losers and might be losing customers since the Rob Lowes campaigns started, so they needed to do something to stop the sudden loss of customers.

     DirectTV said in a statement, "We continue to believe that the various Rob Lowe advertisements are so outlandish and exaggerated that no reasonable consumer would believe that the statements being made by the alter-ego characters are comparative or need to be substantiated." I totally agree. If customers are switching their service to DirectTV, it's because of Comcasts' service. It has nothing to do with what alter-ego Rob Lowe says. They are simply just entertaining commercials. After all, the aggressive marketing approach was DirectTV's way to "steal" their competitors' customers and persuade the pay TV consumer to switch over and choose them first. Is that the idea of advertising? To win over the customers? Is that the idea of a compaign war? To win over your competitor's customers?

     As a student of the advertising world with a degree in the field, I have to admit that DirectTV's approach was spot on. The commercial campaign was entertaining yet persuasive, which is the one of the main goals when advertising. The ads were working and numbers don't lie. DirectTV saw a spike in subscribers after the ads premiered. Despite the debate of the validity of the ads' messages, the campaign proved to be a successful one. If you ask me, it sounds like Comcast is just pissed because these ads were quirky and better than anything they can come up with. Unfortunately, I am a Comcast customer, but am thinking about flipping because their rates are way too high, their customer service is absolutely horrible and their signal totally sucks! Some of the HD channels don't even work on our TVs. I didn't need Rob Lowe and his alter-ego to tell me that. It's just straight facts from experience. I think Comcast should file a complaint about themselves. 

     About a month ago, I could not reach Comcast to discuss my bill because it was irregularly too high. They never answered and kept me on hold for about 45 minutes. I then Tweeted them about my disgust because I heard that their social media department was better than their customer service. They didn't answer for 2 weeks. When they finally did respond; it took about a week to fix the billing problem, which still is too high. Again, I don't need Rob Lowe or overachieved in high school Rob Lowe to tell me that Comcast just sucks!

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

GET THE FLAKKA OUT OF HERE!

     There's a new drug on the streets and apparently, it is dangerous! Recently, it's been called "$5 insanity" and has been responsible for both superhuman feats of strength and unbelievable bouts of delusion. So, basically, you can lift a car and actually believe you are Superman. Hmmm....That doesn't sound so bad! If I can lift a car, that would be amazing! If I believed I was Superman, though, I might try to leap tall buildings in a single bound and of course, that would lead to my demise. Okay, rewind. Bad idea!

     Anyway, "Flakka" or "gravel" is the latest synthetic drug to hit the streets that is being snorted, smoked or injected by addicts looking for a cheap high and been responsible for a series of bizarre headlines across South Florida. Oh, gee! Shocker! Floridians are the ones using it. A Florida man was recently nabbed for running for his life through the streets for Fort Lauderdale naked, except for a pair of sneakers, is symbolic of the latest drug craze. 

     Broward County Sheriff's Office treatment counselor, Don Maines said, "Longtime addicts who have tried flakka, they're terrified of it. They can't think straight, they're paranoid, they think people are chasing them. One guy thought he was surrounded by German Shepherds that were attacking him. Streaker Matthew Kenney, who is 34, was sent for psychiatric evaluation on Saturday after Fort Lauderdale police chased him down and finally arrested him. He told police people were chasing him and took his clothes. Oh yeah, he also told them he smoked flakka before experiencing the terrifying hallucinations.

     Flakka, imported from China, Pakistan and India, prolongs the effects of dopamine and serotonin, known as a state of "excited delirium" and can lead to a spike in body temperature as high as 106 degrees. It's being called the cousin of "bath salts," whose amphetamine-like key ingredient, , if you remember, was band back in 2011. Flakka uses a-PVP, a stimulant that can be cut or mixed with other mainstream drugs like coke, heroin or meth. 


     Besides the streaker incident, Fort Lauderdale police have reported two other freak accidents since February where people were allegedly high on flakka created mayhem at their doorstep. Shanard Neely, who told police he had just smoked flakka, was impaled by a gate spike while he was attempting to climb the fence surrounding the police department back on March 22. Fire rescue had to cut away a section of the fence just to free Neely. Another man, police were saying was so high on flakka, he tried to break down the station's front door a month earlier. Surveillance footage shows James West frantically trying to get into the station, kicking the door and throwing a rock. He told police several cars were chasing him and he ran to the police department for help. West was arrested but the onslaught of flakka continues. 

     I have to admit; this drug actually scares me. Then again, why would you try anything that was man-made? If it's not green, it's not for me! And for those doing flakka? Why? So you have an excuse to act like a moron? I've said it before....Only in Florida!

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

SHE COULDN'T SAY NO.....SHE COULDN'T SAY YES EITHER!

     I don't even know where to begin with this story. It's kind of odd because this guy reminds me of someone's grandfather, which he probably is. He does not look like a rapist. I kind of feel sorry for him too because my father told me a long time ago that if you don't use it, you're going to lose it. I would believe that was the case here. This poor old man was so in love with his wife. Unfortunately, she suffered from mental illness, but he just wanted to be with her intimately whether she was okay with it or not. Instead of being unfaithful, he chose to use "it" with his wife. Well, let me just tell you the story and you can tell me what you think. 

     This is Henry Rayhons. When he married his wife Donna Lou seven years ago in their northern Iowa hometown, it was a second chance at love for the previously widowed couple. But their domestic routine of church activities and political functions unraveled as Donna's health began to fail. Last year, the 78-year-old woman was moved into a nursing home, suffering from dementia and Alzheimers. According to Henry's family, this was decided by Donna's daughters from a previous marriage and not Henry himself. Conflict developed over how to care for Donna, culminating in a meeting in which staff told Henry that his wife was no longer mentally capable of legally consenting to have sex. 

     State prosecutors say Henrey, who was a long-serving state lawmaker, ignored that message. On Wednesday, he stands trial for sexually assaulting his wife, who died last August. The charges were filed days after she died. What a load of crap! First of all, Henry does not look like someone who will sexually assault someone. Second of all, he just wanted to be with his wife. He was in love with her mind, body and soul. So what, if her mind and body were no longer there. Her body was and physically, that's what he wanted. If that's what he wanted to do with HIS wife, he should have been allowed to with no one telling him that he can't. 

     Many couples experience hardships of illness, mental decline and living apart, but what happened with the Rayhons has little precedent. Experts could not think of another rape case that happened because a previously consenting spouse could no longer legally respond without protesting. One lawyer from Minneapolis, who has tries numerous sexual abuse cases in nursing homes stated, "This is the first one I've seen. It's a case that's going to be focusing on the rights of the vulnerable. Just because you're married, it doesn't mean you need to check your consent rights at the door." I'm not sure I agree. You're together for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, right? 

     Last summer, when charges were first filed, Henry's family released this statement: "Donna's location did not change Dad's love for Donna nor her love for him. It did not change their marriage relationship. And so he continued to have contact with his spouse in the nursing home; who among us would not." The statement went on to call the charges "illogical and unnatural." I totally agree. Unfortunately, the crux of the case is the question of Donna's ability to consent. Iowa law defines an act as sexual abuse in the third degree if two parties are not living together as husband and wife and if one person "is suffering from a mental defect or incapacitated, which precludes giving consent." Oh, coincidentally, that is in the law books in Iowa. Wasn't it her daughters who put her in the nursing home? Maybe Donna did need to be there, but did she give her consent to be committed to a nursing home? If not, how is that different than what Henry has done? What do you guys think?

Monday, April 6, 2015

YOU'VE BEEN SERVED.....ON FACEBOOK?

     It's no secret that Facebook and the rest of social media has taken over our lives. We can contact old friends through it; we can now shop using it; we can advertise our businesses on it; we even get our news from it. Basically social media has taken over our lives as we know it. 

     Well, a Brooklyn woman recently took our uses of social media to a new level recently when she scored a judge's approval to legally change her relationship status to "single" by using Facebook. What the hell does that even mean? I'm about to tell you. In a landmark ruling, Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Matthew Cooper is allowing a nurse name Ellanora Baidoo to serve her elusive husband with divorce papers via a Facebook message. So, basically, she's allowed to serve this guy (pictured here) divorce papers using Facebook. WHAT? So, now we can be served just because they see us online? Is that even fair? 

    26-year-old Baidoo was "granted permission to serve the defendant with the divorce summons using a private message through Facebook," with her lawyer messaging Victor Sena Blood-Dzraku through her Facebook account. Judge Cooper stated "This transmittal shall be repeated by the plaintiff's attorney to the defendant once a week for three consecutive weeks or until acknowledged" by her hard-to-find husband. Yeah, right! If he's avoiding her, I doubt he will be acknowledging any sort of message from her. Baidoo's lawyer, Andrew Spinnell said, "I think it's new law, and it's necessary." 

     Baidoo and Blood-Dzraku tied the knot with a civil ceremony back in 2009, but their relationship crumbled when Blood-Dzraku reneged on his promise to have a traditional Ghanaian wedding ceremony as well. Both Baidoo and Blood-Dzraku are from Ghana. Spinnell explained that Baidoo wanted their families at the wedding. As a result, the wedding was never consummated and the husband and wife never lived together, but Blood-Dzraku apparently still doesn't want a divorce. He kept in touch with his wife by phone and Facebook, but according to court papers, that was it. 

     The last address Baidoo has for the Blood-Dzraku is an apartment he vacated in 2011. Judge Cooper stated, "Baidoo has spoken with the defendant by telephone on occasion and he told her that he has no fixed address and no place of employment. He also refused to make himself available to be served with divorce papers." The post office has no forwarding address for Blood-Dzraku, there is no billing address linked to his prepaid cell phone and the Department of Motor Vehicles has no record of him." It's like he never existed. I mean come on; with technology today, they really can't find this guy? Is there no such thing as a Magnum P.I. anymore? Spinnell did say that they tried everything including hiring a private detective and nothing. That private detective must be horrible! It's either that or Blood-Dzraku should have given Osama Bin-Laden some tips on how to hide because he's a ghost!
 
     The first Facebook message went out to the husband last week. So, far he hasn't responded. Would you, though? If you received divorce papers via Facebook, would you really answer? I'm not sure how effective this will be. If I was Blood-Dzraku, I would be hitting delete  I saw my wife's name in my inbox. I wouldn't even read the message because that only acknowledges that I saw it. When I'm on Facebook and I see a message from someone I don't want to speak to, I simply won't respond. I believe that would be the case here. They are going to have to physically find him to serve him these papers. Nice try, though!

Friday, April 3, 2015

MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT, HE'S A ADDICTED TO PORN

     Since today is Good Friday, you deserve a "good" story to end your week! So, today I give you Taylor Davis from Kissimmee, Florida. I'm not really sure why he's topless in his mugshot, but anyway, he was caught masturbating inside a Kissimmee Walmart and allegedly flicked his "bodily fluids" on an unsuspecting shopper.

     The twisted 20-year-old, Davis stalked a woman through aisles on Tuesday as he listened to porn on his headphones and fondled himself by secretly slipping his hand through a hole he'd cut in his sweatshirt. The premeditated hole in the sweatshirt deserved a chuckle from me at least. The woman may not even know what hit her....Literally! 

     A sharp-eyed security guard spotted Davis, who is (and this is the best part) a Disney World employee, as he trailed his female victim. She called the sheriff's office after Davis wiped jizz on packages of trash bags. 

     A deputy found Davis sitting in his car in the parking lot. The young pervert quickly confessed to his wrong doing, telling investigators he was addicted to porn and needed help. Come on! You can't make this stuff up! I am....I mean was addicted to porn too! You don't see me whacking off in public places while listening to sound effects in my headphone. Anyway, Davis explained to the officers how he used the hole in his sweatshirt to masturbate discreetly in public, and he handed over a bottle of baby oil. Deputies also confiscated his cell phone and found a huge pornographic playlist. I have to admit. I love this kid!

     Davis told investigators he'd been masturbating in public for nearly a year. He admitted pleasuring himself at work (at Disney? Ew!), his high school and public rest room stalls. He's like Chucky from Sons of Anarchy. He just couldn't keep his hands off himself. Davis told the deputy, "I need help with my sexual self-control and judgment that is clearly not sane. Please help me any way possible." Hey, we know how they handled Chucky on S.O.A. Maybe this kid needs the same treatment. Off with his hands! 

     Davis was charged with disorderly conduct and criminal mischief. He was bailed out of jail on Wednesday on $750 bond. Authorities claim he could face additional charges and asked any victims to come forward. I mean apparently this kid has some sort of mental problems. Instead of asking other victims to come forward, maybe they should just have him committed. Keep him away from society and in with people closer to his mindset. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with him. What 20-year-old boy was not addicted to porn? Okay, maybe he took it too far by jizzing on the poor girl, but....okay, no "but". He definitely took that too far. 

Thursday, April 2, 2015

POO LIGHT SPECIAL

     If there is anything that catches my eye when it comes researching stories for this blog, it's teacher-student sex stories, sex stories and poop stories! Nothing is better than a good poop story! So, I'm going to get right into this one.

     A woman in Racine, Wisconsin was returning items to a local Kmart when she was accused of leaving something behind that wasn't on her receipt. You guessed it! A big pile of her own steaming poop! 49-year-old, Melissa Jacobson was arrested on Monday after she allegedly snuck behind a store cash register and crapped in a box of security tags. I don't get it. Why did she get arrested for that? Maybe she had to go really bad and couldn't make it to the bathroom. Sometimes when you have to go, you have to go! I even wrote a book about it called S**T Happens, which is available on Amazon.com. I made it easy for you. Just click on the book title. 

      Oh, yeah! Back to the story! So, security footage showed a woman, who authorities later identified as Jacobson, answering nature's call around 10:22 am. The footage also showed her reaching for paper towels beneath the counter when she was done. Then she went back to the customer service desk. I absolutely love this story because I can totally relate, but you'd have to buy my book to find out how relatable this story is. Anyway, Jacobson completed her return and exited the retailer. Here's the best part; according to the footage, Jacobson was wearing a shirt with a dump truck on it and the phrase, "dropping a load." 

     By 12:50 pm, employees started noticing the smell of poop around the register and discovered the "poo light special" left in the box, which was also soaked in piss. At that point, police officers were called to the scene. I'm sorry, but I am dying as I type this. One worker told investigators that Jacobson was a regular customer who "should know where the public restrooms are located." Another employee said the suspect did not appear to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol or in any special need to go to the bathroom. 

     Kmart employees gave officers Jacobson's address from the forms used when she returned merchandise. When they went to the house, they met a woman who identified herself as Melissa Jacobson and she was wearing the same pants, shoes and "dropping a load" t-shirt seen on the surveillance footage. Of course, she denied pooping in the box at Kmart, even after she was told about the footage. She even resisted the officers' attempts to take her into custody. Jacobson was eventually charged with three misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct, resisting an officer and obstructing an officer. She is free on $500 bond and is scheduled for an April 30 pre-trial conference, but the bond requires that she have no contact with Kmart. 

     Yes, I do think Jacobson did wrong by pooping in the box, but if that turtlehead was peeking out that much, sometimes you cannot make it to the bathroom. I believe she had two options; poop in the box like she did or poop in her pants and sit in it while she drove all the way home. The box sounds like a better option because she wasn't making it to any bathroom. I totally feel her pain here and I don't think she should have been arrested for this. Fined and banned from Kmart? Yes! But definitely not arrested. I do have a new story for my new book though now! Thank you, Melissa Jacobson! 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

GET PAID TO BANG AT THE BUNNY RANCH

     Have any of you ever watched HBO's Cathouse? Have any of you ever visited the Bunny Ranch in Nevada? Better yet, do any of you think you can hang with the girls who work at the Bunny Ranch? If you answered "yes" to all three of these question, I have the job for you! This is not even an April Fool's Day joke!

     Nevada's famed Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel is on the prowl for official "Quality" control testers who not only get paid to have sex with their prostitutes, but to evaluate the girls' performance in the sack. Yeah, that's right! You get paid to bang their prostitutes and review them when you're done. THAT IS AWESOME! 

     Bunny Ranch owner, Dennis Hof, whose seven brothels make up 40% of North America's legal bordellos and is starred in the hit HBO series Cathouse, told a news source, "I'm looking for someone who's fun, has some personality and wants to have a good time." He added that the ideal candidate must have "stamina" as well. Hof asks, "Are they going to be able to perform? Because it's work. Not everyone is Ron Jeremy." Hof, of course, referencing the legendary porn star who is the self-proclaimed "Hardest Man in Showbiz."

     Ranch spokesman, Marc Medoff also stressed their "secret shoppers" as needing to be experienced, educated and "well-rounded" in bed. He said, "Obviously a very young person or person who has not traveled or been around would not be ideal. We want somebody who gives us a true honest, worldly perspective." He added that this search included female participants. "We'd love to have a woman or two. Even couples to be honest with you. A lot of our customers are couples," he said. 

     Hof added it's all part of their goal of boosting customer satisfaction that begins the moment a client walks through their door. He said, " You don't get a second chance to make a first impression. We've got criteria on what we want. We want to to know we're putting out the best quality product out there." I think that's pretty simple to see when we can watch everything the Bunny Ranch does on HBO. Depending on the right person, Hof insisted the position will be as good as it may sound. He said, "I think it's a great opportunity for some New Yorkers who want to have a good time and make a lot of money and enjoy one of the best products in the world. We're going to hire about a dozen people and some of them will be full-time and some will be part-time. I'm already getting flooded with applicants."

     After reading a few applicants emails, Hof, who recently released his book, The Art of the Pimp: A Love Story," summed up the handful of emails as well-written and without typos. He added, "I'm really kind impressed with this." If you think you have what it takes to bang a bunch of prostitutes and review them with out any typos, you can reach out to Hof with your own resume at dennis@bunnyranch.com. For me, I'm a happily married man, but if I wasn't I would totally move to Nevada to be a part of this! Thank God my wife does not read my blog! She's standing behind me right now isn't she?