WHERE'S YOUR SPIRIT, SPIRIT?

     For those of you looking for a political post from me, you won't find one here ever. I'm here for the "hahas" and not the "boo-hoos!" So, if you want to laugh, I'm your guy! 

     So, anyway, you'll love this story! A South Florida woman claims she was kicked off of a Spirit Airlines flight from New Orleans to Fort Lauderdale because of the way she was dressed. She was showing too much boob, allegedly! The woman, who did not want to be identified, said in a TV interview, "It's not even about money. I was really embarrassed." 

     At least two passengers took to Facebook after the incident and posted that the flight attendants told the woman that " her bosom was too exposed." Her bosom? Who the hell still calls it a bosoms? Another passenger, who didn't know the woman, was also removed from that Sunday flight after she stepped in to defend the woman. I probably would have been kicked off too because seriously, why would you kick someone off for showing too much boobs? 

     Spirit claims a flight attendant made the suggestion to cover up, but that's not why the the woman was told to leave. According to a Spirit spokesperson, "Nobody was taken off a plane because of cleavage. People are taken off of planes because of their behavior." The spokesperson said the woman was intoxicated and a flight attendant spoke to her about it. He continued, "The flight attendant made that decision, and as she was leaving, she said, 'By the way, you might want to cover up.' It was more of a personal statement to her."

     Donna Prieto said that her daughter was "humiliated" on the flight. She and some witnesses said the woman used a large coat to cover up, cried and then some passengers started to complain about the situation. The woman, her friend and another passenger were later asked to leave the plane. The woman was rebooked on another flight. The spokesperson for Spirit said they plan on getting in touch with the woman to fix the situation and make it right. 

     Now, what needs to be made right? If she was thrown off for being drunk, then why would the airline need to apologize for belligerence? They would need to apologize, however, if they felt they insulted the woman about the cleavage comment. Just saying! Either way, isn't Spirit known for being one of the trashier Airlines anyway? Aren't boobs allowed on trashy airlines? Flying home on American Airlines from LAX, that's all you see is cleavage, so I don't see what the problem was, unless the flight attendant was embarrassed because she was less endowed? Again, just saying!

THE GIRLFRIEND FROM CHINA.....THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT!

     Do you remember back in the day when you were the only one of your friends without a girlfriend, or boyfriend, and you had to make one up and say that they lived far away? Which explained why your friends never met him or her? Yeah, I never had to do that either, but some of you did! Well, apparently, there's an app for that now, so you can prove to your friends that you really do have a girlfriend, or boyfriend, in Alaska! 

     This past weekend, millions in China headed home to celebrate the Lunar New Year with their families, as we did here in the U.S. as well. 24-year-old Luoluo spent the holiday answering messages on a mobile app from desperate men looking to hire an instant girlfriend whom they can present to mom and dad at their family gatherings. On visits home during the holiday, single people are often subjected to tough lectures from relatives keen on reinforcing the importance of marriage and securing the family bloodline. Trust me, I'm familiar with these lectures. I endured them for almost 40 years. 

     Some singles have resorted to hiring fake girlfriends and boyfriends to appease their parents and shut them up, but an explosion in smartphone use in recent years means one can now pat for such a date through a handful of mobile apps with just a few clicks. According to Cao Tiantian, founder of date-for-hire app Hire Me Plz, "Over 1,000 users on our platform have signed up as dates for hire for the New Year break."

     Subscribers to the app pay from as little as 1 yuan ($0.15) to 1,999 yuan ($299.85) an hour for a dinner date, a chat, a game of mah-jong or even a foot massage. No happy endings in foot massages, but I'm guessing that the latter amount is dinner and a foot massage. Prices surge around the time of Chinese New Years, with thousands of attractive twenty-somethings like Luoluo commanding fees of 3,000 yuan ($450) to 10,000 yuan ($1,500) a day. We have a name for this here in America. It's called Escort Services or Call Girls or Prostitution or something like that. 

     Apart from Hire Me Plz, there are five major date-hiring apps in China, which make their money by taking a cut from the hires and from subscription fees. Cao said, "Our business model is still new, though an increasing number of young people have accepted the idea of selling their time as a commodity." Cao expects his Beijing-based to become a mulit-billion dollar market in five years. Does this make Cao the new pimp of Beijing? 

     Since its launch in 2015, Hire Me Plz has garnered a user base of 700,000 and 1.7 million followers. Allegedly, sex is not part of the services offered on any of the mobile apps. Prostitution is illegal in China. But I wonder, what would happen if the sex was consensual? Would the date renter still have to pay his date? If he did, would that be considered prostitution? 

     Hire Me Plz's Cao said the initial aim of her app was to help overcome the problem of loneliness experienced by young people leaving home to work alone in big cities. I have to be honest, I'm not sure how I even feel about this. To me, it still sounds like just an escort service. Then again, is this just another form of a dating service? Because what if the renter and the date get along so well that they want to start dating for real? Then mission accomplished right? What happened to traditional dating? Also, wasn't China the home of arranged marriages? I'm so happy that I never have to date anyone but my wife ever again! Dating sounds like it sucks in this day in age. 

NO HAPPY ENDING HERE

     With all of the spas and massage parlors popping up all over the place, it was only a matter of time when we would hear stories of a perverse masseuse. Of course, once again, it never happens to me. Just like the teacher-student sex. In this case, I'm kind of happy it didn't happen to me. 

     So, a male massage therapist, or shall I say "the rapist," who confessed to sexually abusing four women during their sessions, has been sentenced to two years in jail, and won't be able to return to work as a masseuse until at least 2022. Um, should he even be allowed to return to work? 33-year-old Benjamin Thomas Collura was sentenced on Wednesday after pleading guilty earlier this month to sex abuse charges in connection to his time as a masseuse at River's Edge Hotel and Spa and Massage Envy in Portland, Oregon. 

     After his arrest last March, when a woman accused Collura of touching her vajayjay during a massage, five more women came forward and told authorities they were also sexually abused by Collura over a three-year span. Collura initially denied the claims, but would later confess to them. What a dummy! Deny, deny, deny!

Ben Collura

     Prosecutor Jeff Auxier praised the 30 to 50-year-old victims for their courage in coming forward and notifying authorities, knowing their allegation would ultimately be their word against his. Collura was initially charged with crimes against seven women and accused of groping their boobs and their genitals while forcing them to touch his junk. Yes, I know....disgusting! But these are the people we live with.

     Collura, who had no prior criminal history, told authorities that he was attending Portland State University while working as a masseuse. He must now register as a sex offender and serve five years of probation following his jail sentence. He must also turn over his massage "the rapist" license during the probation period according to a plea deal. 

     Meanwhile, two of Collura's former customers have filed lawsuits against him and his former employers, seeking $400,000 and one seeking $1 million, with one case shceduled for trial in May. According to the initial lawsuit, the 31-year-old customer said Collura led her into a private room in February and "took the occasion to sexually violate the plaintiff with his hand" after a nearly complete massage that previously seemed "dignified and professional." The woman reported the alleged assault to Portland police and later received treatment for a cervical abrasion at a hospital. 

     I have to say this is pretty creepy and I always get nervous when my wife tells me that she had a male masseuse. I, personally, always ask for a female therapist in hopes they do touch me inappropriately. Unfortunately for me, it never happens. With my luck, I'll end up getting Benjamin Collura when he gets out in 2022. Lucky me! 

MOMMY HUSH MONEY

     So, since you love these teacher-student sex stories, you can thank my Wushu crew for this one. I found this story in our group chat posted by one our members because he knew that I had a niche for writing these types of stories, but this one is a little different. 

     Police down in Texas have arrested a 27-year-old middle school teacher (yes, that's her pictured here) who allegedly engaged in a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old student and then paid him $28,000 when he threatened to report her to authorities. First of all, isn't that a year's salary for a middle school teacher. Secondly, if I was the kid, I would have shot for more than $28,000 to shut me up!

    According to court documents, Thao "Sandy" Doan was arrested on Friday, 10 days after the boy's mother supposedly called school officials to report an alleged series of sexually-suggested text messages she found on her son's phone. According to police, the boy's mom tracked the source of the Sext messages back to Doan, who taught the boy math at Raul Quintanilla Senior Middle School in West Oak Cliff. It sounds like she was teaching the boy more than "adding-subtracting-adding-subtracting-adding-subtracting" if you know what I mean. 

     School officials said Doan was first hired by the Dallas Independent School District back in the spring of 2014. She was placed on administrative leave on January 10, the same day the boy's mother reported the alleged affair. Doan was confronted with the allegations and allegedly admitted to having sex with one of her students on three separate occasions between mid-2015 and December 2016. I mean seriously, there women can't find men their age to give it to them? They have to use inexperienced little boys to get it in? It makes no sense. 

     Police allege that Doan and the student began exchanging explicit sext message shortly before their first sexual encounter. Doan also supposedly sent the child photographs of her breasts. Supposedly....I would need to see proof of this. Just saying! The court contends the boy threatened to go to the police in January 2016 and that Doan offered to pay the student for his silence. After reviewing her bank statements, police learned that she paid the teen $28,000 to keep him quiet. That's a whole lot of video games! 

     Doan has been charged with a single count of improper relationship between an educator and student. She bonded out of jail over the weekend. According to police, it is unlikely the student will face any charges for allegedly accepting money from Doan in return for his silence, which I think is unfair. This kid inadvertently extorted money from his teacher. He blackmailed her by threatening to go to the police. The boy is not innocent in this case by any means, but like all the boys in these cases, their the victims, right? A hot teacher comes in and gives them the ride of their lives, but they're the victims? I hate these male students who report their teachers for banging them. In fact, I would like to curse all of them to never get laid again! Then they will learn the value of a woman's body and sex. They were basically taken advantage of, so they should shut the hell up! If these teachers were around when I was a kid, I would have become the Hugh Hefner of teachers! Unfortunately, when I was in school. my teachers never looked like the ones in school today. God, I hope none of my old teachers are reading this....If they're even still alive. 

THE SQUIRTER

     And now to pull your attention away from the mentally disabled man who was beaten by four people in Chicago, here's another story of "woah" from Ohio. I swear that Ohio is becoming the new Florida when it comes to my buzzkill ramblings! 

     Anyway, this West Virginia man repeatedly stalked women at an Ohio Walmart and allegedly admitted to masturbating into syringes to squirt them with his semen. Um.....what? 26-year-old, Timothy Blake was charged on December 30 with "menace by stalking" in connection to public masturbation incidents in the past two months. 

     Ohio police said they received a report on November 2 from a woman who said a "creepy" man followed her around Walmart. The woman also told police that she felt something wet hit her lower back, leading her to rush to the bathroom to clean a sticky substance off of her. When she came out of the Ladies Room, the man was already waiting and staring at her, according to the affidavit. 

     Authorities received a similar report from another woman on December 28. Police managed to track Blake down by reviewing surveillance footage from both incidents that showed him fleeing the scene in his white pickup truck. 

     After being taken into custody, Blake told police that he threw egg yolks at the women. Unfortunately for Blake, he had to come clean when police tested the substance to be semen. Blake admitted to masturbating into the syringes in his truck or the Walmart bathroom before aiming at his victims. The report also stated, "The defendant stated maybe it was his way of having sex with these women." What a creep!

     I will say this, though. These women are very lucky because the circumstances could have been much worse considering he had his man juice in syringes. What if his way of having sex with these women was to inject them with his semen instead of squirting them with it. That would have been a lot worse and a lot more disgusting. Either way.....ew! 

MERRY XXX-MAS!

     Yes, Christmas might be in our rear-view mirror, but for this 7-year-old from Ohio, Christmas was spelled XXXmas! 

     When Mackenzie Blackenship opened Splatoon, a Nintendo Wii game she got for Christmas, she and her family got more than they bargained for. Mackenzie found inside the case an X-rated disc called Sensual Seductions 2 starring Eva and Nicky Angel. Don't even ask how I know that! 

     The family spoke to Ohio's NBC affiliate about the incident and Mackenzie's mother, Krista Greider, said she was both "confused and very upset" about how this happened. I have to admit that I'm a little "confused and upset" that Miss Greider has a different last name than her daughter. What's that all about? Greider said, "I looked over her shoulder and I grabbed it. I saw the picture on it and she was just like 'Why? What is that? Why are they naked?'"

     Little Mackenzie couldn't understand why Santa had given her a naughty gift. She said, "I was really upset. I said, 'Why did Santa get me this? My mom had to tell me it wasn't him.'" Greider did her best to explain to the child trying her best to keep her daughter from crying. Greider said, "I want to know how it happened and make sure that it goes up the flagpole and that Nintendo is made aware of it." Man, they are stupid in Ohio! I can tell her exactly what happened. When you can't afford to buy your daughter brand new video games for Christmas, customers will have a tendency to purchase the "Used" version of the game at GameStop. Well, those "Used" versions are "pre-owned" and the previous owner probably hid his porn in the Splatoon game case. By the way, that title cracks me up too! Splatoon! GameStop probably never looked inside and guess what was up for purchase? The porno DVD. This was of no fault to Nintendo, so Greider is really barking up the wrong tree. That's what stupid people do. 

     So, Greider claims she bought the game from Target and she reached out to them on social media after discovering what was in the game case. The store has since gotten back to her with an apology and a gift card offer. However, Greider was still not satisfied and hoped for a better explanation. Okay, so it wasn't GameStop. It was Target. Have you ever seen the return pile at Target. My guess is that someone did not like the game and returned it, but before returning it, they accidentally hid the porno in the game case and re-shrink-wrapped it and then returned it. Oops! I mean, I'm not sure what Greider wants to hear. It was obviously a mistake. Shit happens! She should be more concerned that her daughter has a different last name than she does.