SENIOR MOMENT LAP DANCE

     Do you ever wonder what happens at the old age home? Yeah, neither do I, but this story had me making the "ew" face. 

     It turns out an Ohio care worker was recently arrested after a disturbing video was released showing her performing lewd acts in front of a 100-year-old man suffering from dementia. Um....Is that a crime? I mean, I feel bad for the 100-year-old man, but he won't remember it anyway, and he got a lap dance for free! Where's the crime? 

      26-year-old Brittany Fultz was filmed by another worker at The Commons of Providence home back in December, when she was heard on camera suggesting explicit ideas to the elderly man, touching his thigh, pulling her pants down and even straddling his leg at one point. I'm still trying to see the crime. Hey, if this old guy can still get it up without the help of Viagra at his age, why not let him have a little fun? Am I the only one not seeing a crime here? 

     Fultz can be heard telling the debilitating senior, "I can show you new things, I can show you new things, I won't tell if you won't. I'm a girl....you know what that means." She also asked him, "You going to buy me some?" I'm not sure what that meant, but I still don't see the crime unless the guy had a heart attack and died because of her lap dance advances. 

      Sandusky Police Detective Anthony Bath told one news source that the young woman was "basically harassing" the nursing home resident, who officials trusted to stay in her care. Bath said, "It's disturbing...She is touching him. This was not something he wanted." How the hell would he know what the old man wanted? Was he fighting her off? Did her tell her "no"? I watched the video and I did not hear him fight her off once. 

     Nursing home authorities said they immediately called police when they got a hold of the upsetting footage. Fultz was arrested on Friday and booked at the Eerie County Jail and released later that day. She faces a charge of gross sexual imposition, and the possibility of other charges. She is currently free on bond. 

     I still don't see the crime here. I feel that the authorities are reaching. She wasn't harassing the old man. She was just trying to show him a good time privately. Unfortunately, for her, a co-worker videotaped it and showed it to the wrong people. If anything at all, she should have been fired. I don't think that any criminal charges should be filed just because the man was old and had dementia. Like I said, he wouldn't even remember it! Too insensitive? 

LOVE ON A MOTORCYCLE?

     Just when I thought I've seen it all, it's stories like these that prove that I really haven't. I mean in the Dominican Republic, I've seen a family of five fit on a motorcycle. That was father driving, mother behind him and a child in between them while the mother held two children at her side. Yes, I really saw that! Now, there is this.....A couple actually having sex on a moving motorcycle. 

     That's right! A young semi-naked couple were caught on camera having sex on a moving motorcycle. Police have launched an investigation after the footage, filmed in the city of Encarnacion in south-eastern Paraguay, went viral online. Based on the video footage, the woman was lying back on the gas tank with her short skirt hiked up and her legs wrapped around the shirtless male rider. 

      The viral video has also provoked a lively debate on Internet forums across South America and beyond. Many users pointed out that in addition to their incredibly dangerous sexual antics, neither of the young couple were wearing helmets either. Um, yeah.....There are no helmet laws in South America. Police are believed to be investigating the incident which happened in the Santa Maria neighborhood of Encarnacion.

     Officers are said to be using the video to identify the randy couple. A spokesperson for the police department said they could face a fine of around three million Paraguayan Guarani, which comes out to around $534, if they're tracked down and convicted. However, if there was evidence that the biker had been drinking, as it seemed likely in the video, he could face a hefty fine and possible even a prison sentence. 

     Encarnacion is the capital of the department of Itapua and the third-largest city in Paraguay. In recent years, it has also become the tourism capital of the country, with its wide beaches and newly completed waterfront boardwalk. 

Here is the video in case you needed to see it: 

THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES

     I'm starting to believe that if it wasn't for Florida, I might not have any stories to write about. So, for that, I say "Thank you, Florida!" 

     So, police are searching for a Florida woman accused of performing oral sex on a man at a courthouse and then posting it on social media. I mean, personally, I would need to see this evidence. That was too predictable, right? 

     According to Jacksonville Sheriff's Office, 26-year-old Brittney Jones allegedly performed sexual acts on 35-year-old Jeremiah Robinson on the fourth floor of Duval County Courthouse in Jacksonville on January 31. Jones and Robinson are both wanted on charges of unnatural and lascivious acts. That means feeling or revealing an overt and often offensive sexual desire for those of you looking it up. 

     She recorded the video showing her and Robinson, who was sitting on a bench, in the courthouse's hallway and posted it to Twitter with a caption that read, "Just found a way to get out of trouble." The relationship between the two was not immediately clear. The video has since been removed. Jones had been at the courthouse for a morning arraignment on drug-related charges from January 19. 

     Jones later posted a video on Facebook bragging about the media attention she's been receiving and the time she had sex at a local Winn-Dixie supermarket. Jones' father told a news show that he was disappointed when he saw the video and that this incident isn't the first time his daughter posted explicit content online, and apparently, family members have been trying to convince her to stop this inappropriate behavior for years. 

     I don't know. I really would need to see the video to pass any judgment on Miss Jones. Who knows? If she's that good, maybe she's missing her calling as an adult movie star. She's definitely not ugly and she takes a pretty good mug shot. What I want to know is why this couple is wanted? Weren't that in jail already? Aren't these mugshots? How are they wanted? Shouldn't they be in jail? What did she do? Blow and run? 

HARSH SENTENCE?

     Now that that great Super Bowl is out of the way, and hopefully, we are done talking politics, I thought that this story was pretty interesting. 

     So, an Idaho judge has ordered a 19-year-old man not to have sex with anyone before he marries as part of his sentencing for the rape of a 14-year-old girl. Will this even be possible? What if he gets raped in prison? Does that count? 

     District Court Judge Randy Stoker sentenced Cody Herrera of Twin Falls to 15 years in prison, but he suspended the sentence for a one-year "rider program." If the unmarried Herrera completes the program, he'll be released on probation, which requires celibacy unless he gets married. 

     Stokers said that the probation condition is needed because Herrera told pre-sentence investigators he's had 34 sexual partners. He's only 19! Stoker told Herrera, "If you're ever on probation with this court, a condition of that will be you will not have sexual relations with anyone except who you're married to, if you're married."

     Back in March, Herrera pleaded guilty to the statutory rape of the 14-year-old. According to the victim's mother in court, "It was his intent from the beginning to take what he wanted from my 14-year-old child....her virginity." My question is, is this really a sex crime? I mean when I was in high school, girls dated college guys all the time. Technically, at the age of 19, Herrera is a college guy and not to mention only one year removed from high school. Does that make him a sex offender? Is 15 years in prison a little harsh? How do we know the sex wasn't consensual at their age? If he did rape the girl, he deserves the sentencing, but do we really know if it was rape? I know many girls at the age of 14 when I was in high school that were putting out. 

     The celibacy sentencing until marriage, though? Now, that is hilarious! This poor guy won't know what sex is again until he is married. That means no pre-marital sex. I would marry the first girl I met right out of prison and then I would have the marriage annulled right after the sex. There was no rule that said that couldn't happen, right? 

JUDGE DOODY......THAT'S ALL!

     Sometimes, the 12-year-old boy comes out of me in my writing....Ok, ok! The 12-year-old boy is out all the time! When it comes to a story like this, though, how can you blame me? 

     So, a man who stole gold "pucks" from the Royal Canadian Mint by hiding them up his rectum to evade metal detectors has been sentenced to 30 months in prison. That's all? Rectum?....Damn near killed him! Come on! Someone had to say it! Anyway, Leston Lawrence was convicted of theft in November by Ontario Court judge, here we go.....Peter Doody, who noted in his ruling the case was based on circumstantial evidence. Judge Doody! 

     Judge Doody said a penitentiary term was needed to deter others. Lawrence's lawyer had argued for an 18-month sentence. At trial, Judge Doody noted there was no video of Lawrence stealing the gold, and there were no witnesses. Is it kind of weird that Judge Doody wanted to see video evidence of Lawrence shoving the gold up his ass? 

     Court heard that Lawrence, whose job at the mint involved purifying recently procured gold, sometimes worked alone and out of sight of security cameras in a process that involved creating the pucks. Lawrence worked at the mint from 2008 until March 2015. 

     Lawrence aroused suspicion in a bank employee in February 2015 when he asked to cash two checks worth $15,200 from Ottawa Gold Buyers. Lawrence told the teller that he had sold "gold nuggets" when she asked what the money was for, according to court records. The bank then tipped off police, who then put Lawrence under surveillance. I'm sure there was a smarter way to cash those two checks. And why was the bank being so nosy? 

     According to Judge Doody's ruling, Lawrence set off the metal detector more often than any other mint employee without metal implants, but follow-up searches with hand wands never discovered the smuggled gold hidden in his anus. Police eventually seized a gold puck that Lawrence had sold and found four more in his safety deposit box. Vaseline and latex gloves were later found in Lawrence's locker, which Judge Doody (yes, I love saying his name) said, "Could have been used to facilitate insertion of gold items inside his rectum." Only a man with the name of "Doody" can come up with a conclusion like that!

     Judge Doody ruled Lawrence had stolen 22 gold pucks from the mint, which is worth $165,451.14. I have to be honest, I could care less about Lawrence and what he stole. I wrote this story because you had a judge named "Doody," who had to try a case about a man shoving gold pucks up his ass! These stories don't write themselves! You just need me to tell them to you!