Charlie Sheen Roast vs. Two and a Half Men season premiere

 Ok, I admit it! I fell for it! Last night, I was suckered into the whole "Charlie Sheen Roast" on Comedy Central versus the season premiere of "Two and a Half Men" with Ashton Kutcher on CBS. It wasn't so much a curiosity as to which show would do better, rather than 'how was Charlie going to be knocked off on "Two and a Half Men"' or 'how many drug and porn star jokes will they be able to fit in an hour and a half?'

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised with both shows! First on "Two and a Half Men", the show opened with a funeral for Charlie Sheen's character on the show, where various women at the wake, like Jenny McCarthy  and Jeri Ryan, pretty much enjoyed a roast of their own shouting out that Charlie gave them STD's and there were even drug jokes here and there. By the way, they killed Charlie off by saying that he ran off and married a woman named Rose, cheated on her during their honeymoon, and accidentally slipping off of a train platform in front of a train, insinuating that his wife had pushed him to his death. I was starting to think that the writers knew that the roast was happening on the same night and decided to roast Charlie in their own way. Anyway, after the funeral, Jon Cryer's character, who happened to be Charlie's divorced brother, was put into a situation where he could no longer afford the mortgage on Charlie's house. After being denied financial help by their mother, Cryer's character decided it was time to sell the house, which their mother did agree to help with so she can get her commission. This created a few cameos as John Stamos took a look at the house, but wouldn't buy it because he remembered a night where he and Charlie double-teamed some girl on the couch, then Dharma and Greg, remember them? They came to look at the house and actually started arguing about the house, so they were out. In the next scene, Jon Cryer received a package that contained his deceased brother's ashes, so he opened the package and shared a moment with his late brother. He decided to open the urn and release the ashes onto the beach, where he thought his brother would've wanted him to do, but as he turned to do it, there was a soaked Ashton Kutcher standing in the window, scaring Cryer to scream like a little girl and throw the ashes all over the place.

Welcome Ashton Kutcher's new character, Walden Schmidt, who happened to be this billionaire trying to drown himself in the ocean when his wife left him, but he couldn't bring himself to do it because the water was too cold. Cryer asked Kutcher to go out with him for a few drinks to get to know each other better and Kutcher agreed, but needed dry clothes, so he took off all of his clothes and handed them to Cryer, exposing his alleged enourmous piece of manhood. Yeah right! In the next scene, the two were at a bar drinking Appletini's when a couple girls pulled up to the bar. After some coaxing, Kutcher began talking to the girls and they felt sorry for his marriage woes and decided to go back to Charlie's house to sleep with him, where Cryer stated, "There's something familiar about this." At the end of the episode, a joyous and naked Kutcher hugged Cryer and told him that he would buy the house, and so it begins. Bye bye, Charlie Sheen, and hello, Ashton Kutcher! At first, I thought that the show might jump the shark because of this, but in my eyes, the show might do alright as long as the writers keep Kutcher's character as innocent as it was last night. There was some chemistry between Cryer and Kutcher, so this could work.

Now, as for the "Charlie Sheen Roast", I couldn't stop thinking, "Really? This guy needs a Roast to boost his ego even more?" I mean, he was a warlock from Mars who drank tiger blood with many Goddesses. Why does he need a roast? Anyway, Roast Master and "Family Guy" guru Seth MacFarlane opened the show introducing Charlie Sheen, who came out on the front of a 'crazy train' with Slash above him shredding on his signature Les Paul. As they say, let the madness begin. I know you might want to hear more of a review of this show, but I feel that it was really uneventful. It was the same 'drugs, hookers, porn stars, Two and a Half Men, domestic violence, and mental health' jokes over and over again, but in different variations for about an hour and a half. The sad thing was that it seemed that none of the roasters seemed to even like Charlie Sheen, although I know it's a Roast and they're not supposed to, but it seemed these roasters only accepted this invite to boost their sad careers. For instance,  I had no idea who Anthony Jeselnik was, nor was he even funny with his I have no personality delivery. Sorry, pal, it's already been done. And Amy Schumer? Who? Seriously, did you have to rip on the late Ryan Dunne, you stupid bitch? Your joke wasn't even funny and the look on Steve O's face said it all, and speaking of Steve O, why were you a part of this roast? How are you, at all linked to Charlie Sheen? What'd you guys meet in rehab or something? I think Steve O should stick to shoving things in his ass or taking beatings from machines or whatnot.

Not all of "Charlie Sheen's Roast" was painful. Seth MacFarlane's opening monologue was very funny. I was always a Jon Lovitz fan and loved his delivery, as well. I had no idea who Kate Walsh was, but I kind of got the idea that she was on "Grey's Anatomy", and even she was funnier than the three aforementioned no-names. I even thought that William Shatner was very funny in a 'crazy-old-uncle' sort of way. He offered his advice to Charlie, while cracking racist jokes on Patrice O'Neal, who, by the way, was freaking hilarious! I've met Patrice a number of times down at Carolines on Broadway in New York City and love his sense of humor, so I knew he was going to kill it, but so did Roast staple Jeff Ross, who was dressed up like Mommar Khadafy which was kind of odd. Jeff opened for Charlie Sheen on his road show, when it seemed that Charlie's road show was starting to fail. Jeff Ross delivered once again for Charlie during his roast. The pleasant surprise of the evening was Mike Tyson. He was hilarious and was a great sport when taking some shots himself, but when it was time for him to deliver, he nailed it, speech impediment and all.

Finally, it was Charlie's turn to bite back, and I have to admit, that he did it very tastefully. He busted some balls, and for the most part, he did not seem crazy at all. He actually seemed like he had his head on straight, he seemed focus, and to be quite honest, I was really surprised at how good he looked compared to the cracked out skeletal look he portrayed on "20/20" a few months back. Charlie might've had a melt down, and he might just be crazy, but for now, I think that Charlie Sheen will be okay. It totally seemed like he knew what he was doing, and as far as his popular "winning" quote, Charlie stated last night in his closing statement, "I'd already won!" Though, I think that "Two and a Half Men" might've won me over for the night, I feel that Charlie Sheen has won. He got to publically tell of his boss, and he's still standing. Looks like he won to me!