SHE BURNT HIS JUNK!

     Talk about a hot and cold relationship! This is Kenya Alozie from Nigeria. She's been jailed for nine years after burning a man's junk with an iron while they had sex. Okay, guys are you done wincing? She also attacked the man with a broken bottle during the assault this past May. 

     Why would she do such a thing? Well, according to British police, the 31-year-old's attack was "calculated and pre-planned." No word on exactly why she attacked the man, but according to the Detective Constable from Greenwich Police, "She ensured she had a broken bottle to hand and a hot iron to strike the victim and seriously harm him."

     The victim suffered multiple burns and deep cuts, and he has undergone several operations as he continues to recover. Following an investigation, Alozie was arrested at Heathrow Airport as she prepared to fly back to her family in Nigeria. She was found guilty of grievous bodily harm with intent at Woolwich Crown Court in London. 

     All I can say is "Wow!" What would possess someone to do such a thing unless this guy raped her in the past or cheated on her or something like that. Nothing has been revealed other than the fact that she planned this attack, but why? If someone burnt my package, you can bet that there would be a natural reaction meaning this woman should not even be alive right now. Then again, she must've burnt this guy pretty badly. There are some really sick people in this world. 

IT'S MY S**T IN A BOX...

     The other day I told you about a Florida police officer's wife, who stole packages from another police officer's family's front steps, while it was all caught on surveillance video, right? Well, 'tis the season! Because a Las Vegas man has been victimized by the same bad deed. He's had packages stolen right off of his front steps. People are such assholes! 

     Well, this guy, apparently, had enough of their crap, so he decided to fight back with some crap of his own, which I think is brilliant, but I may have taken a different approach. I'll tell you what I would have done after I tell you what he did. So, the man placed his dog's poop in a "Priority Mail" box and watched one suspected thief take the bait on his surveillance video. Yes, to all of you prospective porch pirates, homes have surveillance cameras these days. You won't get away with it, morons! Okay, now, what I would have done was collected a week's worth of my dog's crap, which would have stunk, then I would have crapped in the box for a couple of days myself, sealed the package up nicely, so that the stink didn't get out, and then I would have left a nice heavy package in front of my door as bait. I thought this guy was too nice with his one little piece of dog poop. 

     The homeowner, Eric Burdo, told a TV channel, "I was kind of excited and I just kept replaying it. I just kind of wanted to give them back something." Burdo placed the excrement-filled box on his porch  on Thursday, and the alleged thief (with an accomplice) took the goods on Sunday. Burdo said, "Hopefully, they don't do it again and they learned their lesson." He went on to say that these guys should consider this a very smelly lump of coal in their stocking because even though they've been naughty instead of nice, he wasn't getting the police involved. He said, "I didn't want to call them and say somebody stole a box of poop off my front porch." I have to say, this was a brilliant idea and for those stealing packages and being porch pirates, beware! We're onto you!

SEX GAME GONE WRONG

     Since when do people go dying playing sex games? Actually, what is a sex game? Is that like naked Twister or something? Anyway, a 91-year-old Portuguese woman suffocated to death during a freaky sex game with her 49-year-old married neighbor. Wow, that is almost twice his age!

     The woman was discovered in her bed, naked from the waist down and flanking sex toy in Aveiro, a small town just south of Porto, Portugal. There were also severe injuries to the woman's genitals that authorities believed were caused by the sex toy discovered next to her body, according to a Portuguese newspaper. 

     The neighbor who discovered the older woman said,"I noticed only two small bruises on her face, but there was blood on the sheets and a picture of her husband resting on her chest." The neighbor added that the woman was a sailor's widow and had an affinity for cracking jokes with men and was very active despite her age. Here's what I don't get: the newspaper said authorities believed the sex toy caused the bruises, but the neighbor said the bruises were on her face? Was she slapping herself in the face with the sex toy? It makes no sense! And what sex game were they playing for her to become that bruised? Was the sex game called "Rape a Senior Citizen?" I mean seriously! 

     The next-door neighbor, who happens to be a married father of two, was nabbed by officials after his DNA was discovered by officials through the semen at the scene. That sucks! The neighbor was later released on bail and the judge notified him that the woman died from asphyxia based on the autopsy results. The death is being considered an accident and police said there was no sign of forced entry. Oh, okay....WHAT? So, the other neighbor was let go because the woman died from asphyxiation? Um, am I the only one recognizing this? This other neighbor maybe CHOKED her out and beat her, explaining the bruises on her face? He put the dildo in her hand to make it look like she was playing with herself. It sounds to me like the neighbor killed her and got away with murdering a 91-year-old woman! Wow! The judicial system in Portugal is top-notched! Remind me never to get killed in Portugal. My killer will get a way Scott-free!

SCHOOL OF MARY JANE?

     I want to know where these schools were when I was young and "experimenting" with marijuana? Well, when marijuana was legalized in Washington D.C. last year, many people celebrated, but some with less smoking experience scratched their heads as to why? Some even pondered, "Weed is legal, great! But how do I grow it? Where do I find it? How do I smoke it?" A few months ago, the answer to those questions was to "just Google it," which is much less conventional than the old-fashioned way the way I learned--through friends. But the D.C. School of Mary Jane, a new educational business based in Columbia Heights, aims to change all the questions. 

     Basically, the School of Mary Jane teaches you how to consume marijuana recreationally and safely. The school's founder, only to be known as Ryan, said his goal is to "weed" out falsities based on 'decades upon decades of misinformation and stigma tied to marijuana.' Ryan said, "This is a conversation that we need to be having. I suppose the class is one way of having it."

     Ryan, a former teacher, said that before launching his company, he took some time to seriously study the "kush." Yeah, I'm sure he had to study really hard too. He said, "I spent four or five months doing research, drawing from my own personal body of experience. We have a presentation that goes through the ins and outs of marijuana." For about a hundred dollars, if you live in the Washington DC area, Ryan or another instructor will come to your residence with a pipe and a presentation. You are allowed to bring three friends and they will tell you how to consume weed, whether it's smoking, eating, or vaping. He will also share recommendations for acquiring it. He will also share the risks and benefits associated with marijuana use. 

     Ryan said, "The class is to say, this is what's going on. This is what you're putting into your body this is what it's doing, and that this is a safe recreational drug to use." There are a few ground rules related to the rule of law: Ryan will not teach on federal property. All participants must be 21 or older. And most importantly, Ryan will not provide the weed, but he will partake in friendly conversation and quiz you on your marijuana factoid knowledge. 

      Since launching the business about a month ago, Ryan said the response has been overwhelmingly positive. He said, "The reception has been great. We're still young, but we've demoed a couple of classes so far. People are interested. My inbox is swamped every day with questions." Even though, Ryan's goal is to make some money with these classes, he also added that the main objective of the class is to educate as many people as possible. I have to be honest, with my experience, I can literally be doctor of marijuana in this school. Hell, I might even be a guru at this school. 

     Ryan finished up by saying, "When I started using marijuana recreationally about six or seven years ago....I didn't know what I was putting in my body. It took years of traveling the country and abroad, years of experimentation, some of it costly, and not all of it pleasant. UI want to make a shortcut for people that I didn't have and sidestep the mistakes that they may make, the unpleasant trips and the misinformation." This sounds like a great class. I hope Ryan franchises this out. I wish there was a school like this when I was "experimenting." Just like everything else in my life, I was self-taught!

THE GRINCH HAS NOTHING ON HER

     T'is the season, or so they say around this time of year. T'is the season to be a burglar that is. Most home break-ins are said to happen during the holiday season. The only thing is that you wouldn't expect it to come from a cop's wife. They're calling her the Grinch who stole Christmas because she got caught on surveillance video and then she was arrested. Knowing that many houses have video surveillance these days that they can check on their smart phones, why would you even think about stealing something off of someone's front porch. Unless, that burglar was from the land of the bright people, FLORIDA!

     Dana Hager, the wife of a Florida police officer, was arrested on Monday on burglary charges for the Friday night porch poaching. Polk County deputies tracked the 42-year-old down after her victim posted surveillance video on Facebook showing the thievery. She swiped two packages full of Christmas presents off the porch of a neighbor's Lakeland home, which happened to belong to another cop and his wife. Unreal! 

     According to Sheriff Grady Judd, "The fact that she's a cop's wife is shocking. The fact that she stole from another cop's wife is shocking. And, then my wife saw it on Facebook and knew more about it than I did is shocking!" I'm guessing the Sheriff was shocked over the burglary. 

     Hager, who is married to a Haines City Police sergeant, plucked the two UPS boxes around 10 p.m. on Friday. The homeowners, a cop and his wife, and their 2-year-old daughter were home at the time. Hmmm....If they were home, why would the packages still be on their front porch at 10 p.m.? That's neither here nor there because Hager still should not have stolen the packages. Anyway, the mom inside the house grabbed her 2-year-old and ran to a bedroom, where they watched the surveillance feed from the front door camera. She watched as Hager threw the boxes into a plastic bag and fled in her car.

     The packages were filled with Christmas gifts for the couple's daughter. The victim posted the footage on Facebook, where it racked up more than 50,000 views. Hager dropped the opened packages back off at the home early Monday, but was arrested later that day. The shocked Sheriff chimed in again, "Here's the word. We're watching the porch pirates. The cops' wives are watching the porch pirates. Facebook is watching the porch pirates. We're gonna put you in jail and you'll stay in our jail where you won't need any presents." Did the Sheriff Judd just make up a new word? I've never heard of a "porch pirate" before, but I like it. It must happen so often these days that they have a name for it now. Unreal!

     Here's the kicker--Hager was already on probation for shoplifting from a Kohl's earlier this year. What the hell? She's  serial kleptomaniac! And the funniest part is she's a cop's wife! That poor police officer who it trying to uphold the law is married to a woman who keeps breaking the law. Now, that is pretty funny stuff! Again, you can't make this crap up! Hager is being held without bond. She faces unarmed burglary, petty theft and violation of her probation charges. You're a mean one, Mrs. Hager!

AUNT SEX-FIEND

     Over the Thanksgiving break, I ran into a few readers, friends and family members who actually read this blog, and they asked why I don't write about teachers having sex with their students anymore? The only way I thought to respond was, "Aren't you sick of those stories by now?" I mean, I've written many stories about them and they seem to follow the same storyline--teacher flirts with student, teacher sends student provocative text photos, teacher seduces student in the parking lot or her apartment and the two have a month long fling until the student tells his parents. Teacher goes to jail. It's the same story every time. At least when I write about stupidity, we have different stories. Then again, having sex with your student is pretty stupid!

     Well, today, I don't have story about a teacher having sex with her student, but I do have for you a story about an Texas woman who was recently arrested and accused of having sex with her teenage nephew "hundreds of times," according to police. This is 43-year-old Peggy Phillips, who has been charged with sexual assault of a child. Authorities believe the pair's relationship began approximately eight years ago in her home in Pasadena. 

     Phillips is being accused with having sex with the boy on several occasions between 2007 and 2009 when the boy was 15 to 16 years old. Wait a minute! That would make the boy around 23 to 24-years-old now. Why would she be arrested now? She turned the boy into a man. Move on! Phillips is said to have first assaulted the boy when he was in the hospital. What did she do? Give him a handy? I mean technically, is that assault? If you're a guy or an adolescent boy, that is clear not assault. By the way, I hate when they consider these cases assault. It's not like she was smacking him around while she was doing him. Whatever happened to the phrase, "It takes two to tango?"

     Police believe their twisted relationship continued after the boy moved from South Carolina to live with Phillips and her husband. According to court documents, the boy had sex with the woman "hundreds of times after that." Yeah, so? Phillips also allegedly sent inappropriate photos and text messages to the teen. Yeah, so? All I see here is a court only blaming her for this. What about the boy? He made no moves on Phillips whatsoever? There are no text messages on his phone that he sent to her? It doesn't sound like Phillips is getting a fair shake since this case is eight years old. 

     The boy's uncle reportedly told investigators that he took the boy into his home because he was in "a bad situation in South Carolina," but everything "went south" after he moved in during the summer of 2008. Here's what I don't understand and they don't reveal it in this story, but who snitched? Was it the boy or the husband? Mrs. Phillips is now being held in lieu of a $30,000 bond. I don't know. Eight years is a long time to not say anything if the boy was the one who snitched. She probably threatened to stop having sex with him, so he revealed all like a turkey!

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

     A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about a guy who had to fight Facebook to allow him to use his real name on the social media site. His name was Phuc Dat Bich. That was his real name! He was Vietnamese and obviously, that is not the way it's pronounced in their language, but is sure looks funny in ours. 

     Well, with that being said, this is Bud Weisser. I swear that's his name and that's exactly how it's pronounced in our language. Sometimes, you have to question what kind of sick parents would name their child Bud after fully knowing their last name was Weisser. That's just a really bad joke. That would be like my parents naming me Louie, knowing our last name is Louie. Yes, that would mean that my name would be Louie Louie.

     Anyway, Bud Weisser, here, is being accused of trespassing, of all places, the Budweiser brewery. Maybe he felt it was his birth right? According to police in St. Louis, Weisser was arrested Thursday night after he allegedly entered a secured area at the brewery at around 6 p.m. The 19-year-old crashed his car around 6:48 pm and hopped a fence to get on to brewery grounds. Security guards wrestled with Weisser, who they said refused to leave. Police were called to the brewery and arrested Weisser for trespassing and resisting arrest. I'm still laughing at the fact that his name is Bud Weisser and he was arrested at the Budweiser brewery. You can't make this crap up!

     This isn't the first time Weisser has been accused of a crime either. In August 2014, he was arrested on a felony burglary charge for breaking into a gas station-convenience store with his German friend, Heine Kin. Just kidding, about the German friend. Anyway, a judge ordered Weisser to prison for five years, but the sentence was suspended since the suspect was able to meet certain conditions. In October, Weisser posted his mug shot on Facebook as his profile pic. Wow! This kid is trash. I guess it's only fitting because what kind of people drink Budweiser? And who would name their kid Bud if they know their last name was Weisser. This kid's fate was doomed the minute he was born. He Weisser....This Bud's for you!

HE BLEW IT

     What can be worse than texting while you're driving? If you ask me, I would tell you nothing is worse. I hate it when people text when they drive. They end up swerving, driving really slow and they basically become dangerous to the drivers around them, who they don't even acknowledge because their noses are too far into those text messages. If I had to send a message today with this blog, it would be to "Cut the crap! Stop texting and driving!" 

     That being said; that's not what this guy did. He wasn't texting and driving. He was receiving oral sex and driving, which might be worse. It might feel way better than texting, but once again, you lose your senses about your surroundings and people die. So, this is 54-year-old Randy Joe Allen from Florida. He is the inattentive driver who received oral sex from a female passenger he met at a bar and struck and killed a bicyclist along a Florida highway Saturday night. Here's what I don't understand; what the hell was a bicyclist doing riding on a highway on a Saturday night? Are there bicycle lanes on the highway now in Florida? Maybe Mr. Allen wasn't totally at fault here. 

     The 54-year-old allegedly kept driving after encountering a "bump" along U.S. 92 in Auberndale and told the woman he hit a stop sign. A witness saw the fatal wreck and followed Allen's car to call in his license plate to 911 dispatchers. The witness returned to the site of the alleged hit-and-run only to find the bicyclist dead. The victim, who was homeless, was identified by police through his fingerprints as 49-year-old, Terry Lamunt Ross. 

     Deputies tracked Allen and his dented blood-splashed pickup truck to a Lakeland bar. Allen told authorities that he had no idea what he hit, while allegedly slurring his speech. He claimed to be too "distracted" by the "young lady." Um, too bad, Mr. Allen. It looks like you might be going to jail for a little while. You took a life. Same should go for those texting while driving. Take a life, pay the penalty. Allen is being charged in connection to the hit-and-run and could face additional charges pending toxicology results. They never mentioned anything about the road head. That must be legal in Florida. I mean, I guess the important thing is that Mr. Allen was drunk and he hit a person on the side of the road. I still don't understand why a bicyclist was riding on the side of a highway. 

I SWEAR, IT'S NOT MINE, OFFICER!

     Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Can you imagine moving into a new house and then receiving a package that wasn't addressed to anyone in the house, but when you opened the package, there was 7 pounds of marijuana in it? First of all, why would you open a package that wasn't addressed to you? Secondly, would you call the police if you found 7 pounds of marijuana? Hell no! It's party time! I'm only kidding! But this is what happened to a family in Arlington, Texas, just in case any of you recently moved from there and were waiting for a package in the mail. 

     The package, which is now in the hands of U.S. Postal Service inspectors, was dropped off to the wrong person. So, if you want it back, there might be a small problem. The box containing 7 pounds of marijuana, was left on the doorstep of an Arlington home. The address on the label was correct, but the recipient's name didn't match the homeowners, who'd only recently moved in to the previously vacant property. There was no return address. Pretty fishy, huh? 

     The new homeowners opened up the package and immediately called the police after seeing what they described as "a green leafy substance." I still don't understand how this family is not in trouble for tampering with mail? If it's not addressed to you, you're not allowed to open it. Tampering with mail is a federal offense. If I received a package that came to me with the wrong name, but the right address, I would have given it back to the post office to forward it. Opening up mail that isn't addressed to you is a crime. Why isn't anyone calling attention to that? Besides, that "green leafy substance" is legal in many states now. Maybe it was someone's medicine? I think the problem here is really mail tampering and those goody two-shoes should be the one's in trouble. 

     According to Arlington Police, "The family was a little shook up and surprised.They don't want anybody obviously coming looking for a package now." Who the hell moved into this house? The Brady Bunch? Police seized the weed and it's now in the hands of the U.S. Postal Service inspectors, who are investigating the incident. Police are speculating that someone may have been shipping packages to the house, which had been vacant for some time before the new family moved in. Doh! Oops!

SIZE DOES MATTER.....IN SWEDEN ANYWAY

     Talk about awkward! Can you imagine going in to buy condoms only to be asked if you can measure your penis, so they can give you the right size? That's what a school in Sweden is doing. 

     The Stockholm Schools Youth Clinic, which serves people up to age 23, began handing out the specially designed tape on Tuesday, which measures penis circumference and not penis length. 

     Nurse Eddie Sandstrom (yes, that was weird calling him a nurse.) said on the clinic's website, "A common reason for a condom slipping off or breaking during sex is that you've bought the wrong size. You have to measure the circumference of the penis when erect, not the length. On our measuring tape, you get the measurement in millimeters and a few recommendations for condom types that are suitable." Millimeters? I have to admit, it sounds like those Swedish men are pretty small. Besides, do condoms really slip off? I don't think I've ever had my Magnums slip off. 

     Apparently, Swedes are not measuring up when it comes to preventing sexually transmitted diseases, largely due to their declining condom use. A 2013 report from the HealthExpress online clinic named Sweden the STD capital of Europe. Sandstrom said, "Gonorrhea is on the rise, and the number of chlamydia cases is not falling despite many awareness campaigns." 

     So, the free youth clinic is offering free condoms in girth sizes from 2 to 2 1/2 inches. The Swedish Association for Sexuality Education also tried raising STD awareness last summer with an ad showing a man wearing a giant penis costume who runs around parks and sidewalk cafes spraying people with confetti. The campaign tagline said, "The Penis can surprise you." The campaign's video went viral even if the condom use didn't. 

STRIPPER BASHING?

     Most guys know there's sort of an etiquette at these strip clubs. For instance, when my cousin and I used to frequent these places and there was a stripper coming around fishing for some dollars, but we didn't think she was good-looking or she didn't do enough for a tip, we would make believe that we were in deep conversation and didn't see her there. Then she would walk away. She probably ended up telling the other girls that we didn't tip, but that kind of benefitted us, right? We got to see naked girls without having to even give them a tip. 

     Sometimes, there were strippers who shouldn't have been strippers like the overweight ones. Have you ever seen an overweight girl twerking in front of your face? Then you don't get to judge me! Anyway, we wouldn't embarrass the girl. We would simply pull our deep conversation stunt. Well, a stripper in South Carolina attacked a man after he didn't want to her clothes. Instead, he told her to lose weight! Unreal!

     The Derrieres Gentlemen's Club stripper had heard enough out of 23-year-old Kyle Yeoman, after he told her, "Go to the gym and lose weight" early Sunday morning. After his advice, the stripper lunged off the stage and punched him in the face four times, causing visible injuries from the rings on her fists. A bouncer then dragged the patron out of the club and roughed him up as well. Ouch! Next time keep your mouth shut....Or pretend to be in deep conversation. 

     Yeoman told police he had harassed the stripper about her weight because she was annoying him. He told police, "She kept trying to talk to me and I was tired of it." He went on to blame the insults on the alcohol telling police on a scale from 1 to 10, he was an 11. Yeoman waited about 17 hours after the incident to call police, but stressed that he did not want to press charges and only sought a police report. He identified the girl as a white woman, weighing 115-120 pounds with "a muffin top." Unreal! 

     A friend of Yeoman's, who was a witness at the strip club, said he saw his friend getting clobbered by the stripper, but had no idea what was said and missed the weight comment being made. The police tried getting the stripper's side of the story, but the club was closed and the could not be reached for comment. I am telling you.....Faking a deep conversation gets you out of any annoying strippers! No need to make fun of their weight. Trust me, I'm a professional. 

PHUC DAT BICH SAYS THANK YOU? EXCUSE ME?

     Okay, last week when I saw this story, I thought it was a joke, but apparently, this was a real story about a guy named Phuc Dat Bich! What the hell? I mean, I know we Asians have weird names, but this is pretty hilarious. It would have been better if he was traveling with Poo Cum Slo. That would have made this story a hundred times better. 

     Anyway, Phuc Dat Bich, the 23-year-old Vietnamese-Australian man, who looks like my cousin Matthew, took to Facebook this morning to show his gratitude to the thousands of people who supported him after he posted a photo of his passport on the social media site to prove that it was his real name. He said in the post, "I'd like to mention that I am very grateful to those who have been supportive of certain names that populate in different cultures. We live in a diverse and multicultural society and the fact that there are people out there who are supportive and encouraging really makes me happy."

     Dat Bich's (sorry, I had to!) January post of his passport garnered over 160,000 "likes" and over 80,000 "shares". It was posted in response to Facebook terminating his account several times for a name they called "false and misleading." Reactions to the original post were mostly positive with people offering support for the name. One Facebook user wrote, "Mate, ignore any disbelievers as they are only jealous of your name. We think it's the best name a man can have." 

     Personally, I think the name is fantastic, but I too would have been leery of it at first as well. I say this only because I used to be the person responsible for writing the birthday lists on the Elvis Duran Morning Show many many years ago, where producer Skeery Jones would read the day's birthday names. I would slip in names like Sum Ting Wong or Patty O'Furniture or Lynn Guini (I think you get the picture) for Skeery to read on the air. It used to be a really funny bit. 

     The hilarious thing about Dat Bich's (sorry, I had to again!) name is that it's actually pronounced "Phoop Dook Bic" and is a common name in Vietnam. I'm guessing it's like John Smith in Vietnam. Can you imagine John Smith was a dirty looking name in Vietnamese. That would be a total flip of the script.

SEXTING JUST GOT REAL!

     Just when I thought I'd seen it all....Well, I guess I haven't. You'll see why after reading this even though the photo is a dead giveaway. This new accessory turns your phone into a vibrator. Basically, you can use the same device that you call Mom with to get yourself off. It's true!

    The IZIVIBE is being billed as "the world's first sex toy which uses the vibrations of your smartphone!" Someone finally did it! I cannot reveal the band, so don't ask, but last year when I interviewed them, I asked if there any road stories that they could share with me and one of the stories consisted of placing an iPhone in a girl's vajayjay and calling here while here phone was on vibrate. Well, now it seems there's an app for that! 

     According to product manager Remy Waddle, the company currently only has prototypes built. With all the BUZZ (get it?) the website has received, they plan on launching a campaign to raise enough money to start producing the high-tech sex toys en masse. Waddle said, "We weren't really expecting such a viral effect, and it changes our business strategy. Therefore, we will certainly opt for a crowdfunding that should be in place soon."

     According to the IZIVIBE website, "Simple but effective, IZIVIBE's internal dildo structure is designed to propagate the phone's vibrations along the entire length to get a maximum of pleasure." The team behind the toy aspired "to imagine an original product, not vulgar, that is simple and effective." The phallic phone extension has several distinct features, including seven vibration modes, customization options and the ability to allow a partner to play along and control the device remotely. That's hot! 

     The toy is said to be safe, made from medical-grade silicone, hypoallergenic and free from phthalate, a chemical that researchers have tied to health risks. The thought of a sex toy attached to a phone is a little worrisome, given that our phones are said to be dirtier than toilet seats, but Waddle assured that the device has a protective window to help guard against this issue. The company says the product won't be available to consumers until about June 2016 and there's no price confirmed. Like I said, just when I thought I'd seen it all. Now, they just need to create a fleshlight that attaches to your smartphone. Oops! Did I just say that out loud? 

HO-HO-HOLY CRAP! HOW MUCH?

     Since when did they ever charge to sit on Santa's lap? You'll be happy to learn that Cherry Hill, NJ has lifted their original charge of $35 to $50 to sit on Santa's lap after much outrage and ridicule from customers. Santa is free again!

     The South Jersey mall eliminated the pricey requirement on Monday, which included a photo or video package for kids to get into a Santa exhibit. The decision to charge for the attraction, which had been free last year, sparked anger from many parents, who some said the fee inherently pushed away low-income families and ran counter to the spirit of the holiday season. When we were kids, I remember going to see Santa was something we always looked forward to. My sister used to be scared shitless, but my parents used to takes us anyway. The idea to charge for such a thing is just lame. Those parents are right. Some families can't afford this type of charge and is it really the spirit of Christmas to charge for a photo with Santa? One mother of two complained, "He's locked up in his castle. You can't even see Santa." 

     The mall said it was lifting the fee for Adventures to Santa because it wanted to keep things festive in the spirit of the holiday season. Doh! That should have been a thought in the planning process. A spokesperson for the mall said, "We have heard and value our loyal customers' feedback and as a result, have decided to remove the photo package and purchase requirements." 

     The mall's North Pole exhibit features a large enclosure with digital panels for walls that block views of the jolly old fella. Pennsylvania Real Estate Investment Trust, which manages the mall, said the exhibit is one of the only 12 Adventure to Santa attractions in the country. Another mother complained before the company switch course, "I probably would have paid that much for pictures this year. It's just the fact that they're charging me for something that was free last year, something that should always be free." 

     If I remember correctly, the display also featured characters from the movie Shrek, as well as a virtual sleigh ride and a concert performed by elves. That's just what I remembered from last year. My wife and I never walked through it. I swear! And we would definitely not walk through it this year for $35 to $50. They were very smart to lift that requirement. They must of have Scrooge or the Grinch creating their Marketing plans. 

A LIFETIME OF ACHIEVEMENTS - WILLIAM C. LOUIE

     For those of you who were looking for a buzzkill blog today, you will have to wait until tomorrow. In yesterday's blog, I mentioned that I was attending an amazing event to honor my Uncle Will for his lifetime achievements in architecture as a Chinese American. As a family, we couldn't be more proud of this man, and I wanted to share with you last night's experience and little bit about my uncle and you'll understand why he has become such an inspiration to me and my the rest of my family. 

     Where do I begin? Well, my uncle, William C. Louie is the youngest of five children to two immigrants from China, who came to America seeking a better life for their family. My father being one of those five and those two immigrants, of course, being my late grandparents. The Louie family was raised in a laundrey, as cliche as that sounds, in the Bronx. According to my uncle's tribute video last night, they all lived in one small room in the back of the laundrey that was run by my grandparents. My uncle joked in the video that he actually missed living like that, which can explain his simple living style in the same apartment in Chinatown in NYC with my Aunt May for many decades. 

Mellon Bank in Philly

U.S. Federal  Court

     Uncle Will graduated from City College in New York with a bachelor's degree in architecture and joined the firm Kohn Pedersen Fox in 1977, a year after the firm was founded. Today, he is a partner at the firm and has built a legacy behind with world-famous buildings that are familiar to many of us. We just never knew it. Some of his projects include the 53-story Mellon Bank Center headquarters tower (pictured) in Philadelphia (which he pointed out to me at my wedding), the General Reinsurance Corporation Headquarters in Stamford, the twin Ventura towers in Rio de Janeiro, the recently completed Infinity Tower in Sao Paulo, Brazil and the Daniel Patrick Moynihan U.S. Federal Courthouse (pictured) in Manhattan, which received the U.S. General Service Administration's prestigious Design Excellence Award. I'm not even scratching the surface with his life's work. There is many more to mention, but I just wanted to mention some that you might recognize right away. 
 
     Last night at the Pierre Hotel in Manhattan, the Museum of Chinese in America, or MOCA, honored Uncle Will for his lifetime achievement in the architectural field. Actress Nancy Kwan, known for her role in Flower Drum Song and The World of Suzie Wong, was also honored for her lifetime achievement on stage and screen. I remembered her as Gussie Yang in one of my favorite films, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. My uncle was in good company. Emceeing the evening was Melissa Lee from CNBC's Fast Money and actor B.D. Wong, known for his roles in Jurrasic Park, Law and Order, soon as Dr. Strange on the Fox TV hit, Gotham, and his Tony Award winning performance as Song Liling in M. Butterfly on Broadway. B.D. got a little choked up presenting the award to Nancy Kwan and rightfully so, since she opened the doors for Chinese-American actors. 

     The evening was kicked off my an amazing string quartet made up of four children. The youngest being 5-years-old playing modern music and rocking out on a cello of all instruments. As a musician, I was truly amazed. Also, in the audience was Olympic gold-medalist Michelle Kwan. MOCA did an amazing job with their event and I can't speak for the rest of my cousins, but the evening gave me a sense of pride and inspiration to be a Chinese American in this country. Seeing my uncle receive his award and hearing Nancy Kwan and my uncle talk about the risks that had to be taken for families to come to America really resonated with me giving me the urgency to learn more. If you haven't visited the Museum of Chinese in America in Chinatown New York yet, I highly recommend it. It's not only for Chinese Americans, I brought my brother-in-law and he was fascinated about what the Chinese went through to come here. It truly is a learning experience. My apologies if I got all "Hey, I'm Chinese American" with today's blog, but today more than any other day, thanks to my Uncle Will, I'm proud to say, "Hey, I'm Chinese American!" 

COUPLE DIES HAVING SEX IN A HOT TUB.....AT THEIR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING!

     Sorry, I know it's been a few days since I've blogged and I know all of you look so forward to my writing! Yeah right! The days have been pretty busy and tonight is no different. Tonight, I'm heading to New York City for a gala honoring one of the true great men in my life, my Uncle Will, who is being honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award for his work as an architect. This should be an amazing night for him and my entire family. I can only aspire to be half the man he is. 

     Okay, that being said, back to writing my raunchy and dirty blog! This story kind of freaked me out because after reading the story and looking at the pictures, the hotel looked kind of familiar. Let me just get to the story. So, a night of passion ended in tragedy last Tuesday when a Canadian couple died while having sex in a hotel hot tub during their daughter's destination wedding. Talk about a killbuzz! 

     67-year-old, Charles Mackenzie, suffered a heart attack and toppled over his wife Dorothy, drowning the 63-year-old as the two were making hot passionate love in the whirlpool spa at a Mexico resort. The couple was supposed to watch their 35-year-old daughter get married on the beach in two days until she made the terrible discovery Tuesday morning. Um, it's bad enough that she walked in on her parents naked and having sex, but to find them dead, naked and having sex takes it to a whole new level. Their deaths were deemed accidental and were believed to be linked.

     According to an official from the Mexican state of Quintana Roo (That's basically Cancun for you non-travelers), Dorothy died of asphyxia by submersion (she drowned) moments after her husband passed. The couple traveled from Nova Scotia to Playa del Carmen in Mexico (I still call it Cancun) to celebrate their daughter's big day. No word if the wedding still went on this past Thursday, but I doubt it. The family said they were too devastated to think that far ahead after the tragedy is what they told newspapers at the time of the couples death. Mackenzie's brother-in-law told one newspaper, "I know that they're more concerned about the remains and cremation and things like that. I don't really know about the wedding."

     A spokesperson for the Playacar Palace hotel dismissed an earlier report that the couple had been electrocuted in the hot tub. He told the press, "The room was perfectly fine. All the equipment was working perfectly." Well, of course, he would say that. What's he going to say? "Some of our equipment is questionable." The couples death is still under investigation. I have to say, if it wasn't on their daughter's wedding week, what a way to go! Talk about going out with a BANG! Too soon? 

EAT AT JOE'S.....THERE IS NO TIPPING ALLOWED!

     In the past, I've written blogs about cheap celebrity tippers and I've written about tippers looking to pay-it-forward by tipping a lot. I've seen the debates on my Facebook page about how tipping is not necessary and is just gratuitous, though some argued that it was necessary from the wait staff perspective because many waiters lived off of those tips. I realized there really was no right or wrong answer here. It all depends on the person who does the tipping. Either you have a heart or you don't The thing I normally get confused with is tipping when I pick up an order. There is a tip line on the receipt. Are they looking for a tip? Am I a douche for not tipping them? I usually leave that blank when I pick up my order. 

    That being said; Joe's Crab Shack has become the first restaurant chain to test out this new no-tipping policy. This will stop all debates and questions as to when to tip. How does the Texas-based seafood chain plan on making up for the lost tips? They think the answer is simple...Increase employee wages. According to the new policy, which was established under Ignite Restaurant Group, Crab Shack servers will start at a flat rate of $14 an hour instead of the standard $2.13 plus tips, and menu prices will increase 12 to 15 percent. 

     The gratuity-free model has already been tested at 18 restaurants in the chain since August, not including branches in the New York area. Ray Blanchette, CEO of Ignite Restaurants said in an email to the Daily News, "With this test, our team members are paid at a higher, fixed hourly rate, and credit card receipts no longer include a tip line. We are confident that this change will provide increased financial stability for our employees. A small price increase was taken to account for the added labor cost, but the policy is designed to benefit both guests and employees."

     The casual seafood chain, known for its colossal buckets of crab, is following in the footsteps of New York restaurateur, Danny Meyer from The Shake Shack, who implemented this same policy in his restaurant, The Modern. He hiked menu prices 20 to 25 percent and increased pay to servers, chefs and dish washers. So, far none of the New York City spots have put this policy into play yet and a Crab Shack rep says the company hasn't set a timeline for when they will roll it out, but no-tipping is on its way at Joe's Crab Shack.    

THE FORCE WAS WITH HIM

     I don't have a buzzkill today because I wanted to share this amazing story with you even though it ends sadly. You see, this was 32-year-old Daniel Fleetwood, a Texas Star Wars superfan whose dying wish was to watch Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Well, he got his wish and just this morning, he passed away. 

     His wife, Ashley confirmed his passing with a Facebook post, "He is now with God and with the force." She added, "Daniel put up an amazing fight to the very end. He passed in his sleep and in peace. He will always be my idol and my hero...Rest in peace my love." 

     Daniel, who suffered from spindle cell sarcoma, began campaigning to see the seventh installment of the Star Wars series after his doctors told him in July that he only had two months to live. With The Force Awakens opening on December 18, the longtime Star Wars fan had been worries he wouldn't live long enough to see the J.J. Abrams-directed movie before he was defeated by his terminal illness. He and and his wife campaigned on social media using the hashtag #ForceForDaniel and the campaign turned out to be a success. The legendary Mark Hamill, who reprises his role as the iconic Luke Skywalker in the new film and Peter Mayhew, who plays Chewbacca, voiced their support for Daniel to see the film early. Last week, director J.J. Abrams decided to allow Daniel to watch an unfinished version. Ashley confirmed the screening with her post last Thursday saying, "To all of our wonderful supporters, friends, family and awesome strangers: Daniel's final dream was just granted!" 

     Early this morning Daniel passed away. This is such an amazing story. J.J. Abrams just went up a notch in my book. My brother-in-law just reminded me that this story reminded him of the premise for the movie Fan Boys. For those who didn't see that film, it was about four Star Wars fans who set out to steal Phantom Menace (You know, the bad one with Jar Jar Binx). They find out that their friend is terminally ill and when they get caught breaking into George Lucas' compound, George Lucas allows the terminally ill friend to watch Phantom Menace before he died. That movie could have been Daniel's biography. Again, what an amazing story! May the Force be with you, Daniel Fleetwood!

    

TASTE THE BUSH.....UM, OKAY!

     So, the definition of a 'bushman' is of Australian in origin and it is one who travels or lives in the wilderness, especially in the outback. That being said; a new sexy slogan prompted a regulatory agency in the U.K. to ban an Australian wine company's TV ad because the agency used the phrase "you can almost taste the bush" was a reference to something much naughtier than wine. 

     Premiere Estates released a video featuring a woman talking up the company's wine, then placing a half-full glass of wine at a low table in front of her no-no area just before she says phrase, "Some say you can almost taste the bush." She then hesitates for a moment before she awkwardly looks down, picks up the glass and walks away. I see nothing wrong with this ad. In fact, as a person with an advertising degree, I thought this ad was pure genius! It caught my attention, was witty and extremely funny. The ad is obviously targeting adults who drink wine. So, why is this a problem? Only adults will understand this ad. 

     Premiere Estates also promoted this campaign on social media. A ruling issued last week by U.K.'s Advertising Standards Authority concluded most viewers would understand the "taste the bush" phrase to be a "to be a reference to oral sex, particularly given that it was accompanied with the image of the wine glass positioned directly in front of the woman's crotch." Because of that  context, "the ad presented the woman in a degrading manner," ASA also said. The agency also concluded consumers would understand the hashtag #TasteTheBush to be a double entendre that could refer to Australian wine or female genitalia. 

     The ASA received eight formal complaints about the ad campaign, including complaints from a wine promotion company and a charity dealing with alcohol-related issues. The wine company will not be allowed to run the ad in the U.K. Premiere Estates purports to work with independent retailer and specializes in location and selecting high quality, reasonably priced wines. 

     Like I said, I see nothing wrong with this ad. I think everyone needs to calm down. Besides, isn't the U.K. known for their risque ads? Why is this suddenly a problem. The English used to be known to have an amazing sense of humor. When did they get so snobby? If you want to see the commercial ad, here it is: 

THIS DRESS WILL GET THOSE LIPS FLAPPING

     Is it me or does this dress make you think of sex? Not the woman. The dress. Yes, it looks like a vagina! There hasn't been a vajayjay this popular on the Internet since Britney Spears played peekaboo with the paparazzi. 

     A viral Facebook post showed a woman wearing a dress resembling my second favorite female genitalia (The first being the boobs, of course) from Wayne by Wayne Cooper, which retails on the Australian department store Myer's website for $219 AUS.

     On October 25, Facebook user School Mum posted this photo of herself wearing the dress along with the status, "So, I bought this dress today from Myer because I really liked it...I got home and put it on for my hubby and any guesses first thing he said?? #dressfail #onceyouseeyoucantunsee." Apparently, Mum failed to realize the dress, called Sahara Beaded Neck Maxi Dress, featuring a pink repeating diamond-like pattern that would make even a porn star blush. The red flag should have been that it was called a Maxi dress. Just kidding! The best part is that the dress features a bejeweled neckline reminiscent of a vajazzled vajayjay. Hilarious! I just want to lick her dress! Did I just say that out loud? 
 
     As the image of the dress went viral, people left comments including some women who tried on or purchased the same dress. One user wrote: "I tried it on with my 15-year-old daughter in the change room. She burst out laughing 'take it off mum!'" Luckily, School Mum was able to return the garment. Because the post went so viral, people at the department store, as well as, people on the street recognized her as the 'vagina dress lady." 

     I just don't understand how you don't see this when you first try it on. The only thing missing from this dress are the pubic hairs around it. It is actually very funny and thank God someone with a sense of humor ended up buying it. 

DON'T GO AWAY MAD, JUST GO AWAY!

     We've all been through break-ups, right? But it's how bad we take those break-ups that really define us as people. Only the strong survive! And the weak? Well, they post your number on Craigslist. That's what this moron did! 

     A Texas woman is suing her ex-husband after he placed a Craigslist ad encouraging strangers to take "advantage of her." The woman, who is only being identified as Jane Doe, is seeking $1 million in damages for emotional distress after her ex-husband Bobby Wayne Moore posted her number and stalked her online. 

     Moore posted the ad in March 2014 and was charged with online harassment. In January, he was sentenced to 36 months probation and fined $300. Now, the woman is suing him in a civil court after receiving creepy messages from strangers asking if she is interested in sex with them. One lawyer said, "It's a chilling thought that someone could be so sick and vindictive." 

     According to the suit filed in Tarrant County, Moore's post included her cell phone number along with a photo of another woman. The ad said she "wanted multiple strangers to come to her 'home' and take sexual 'advantage of her.'" At the time, the woman was living in Colleyville with her two children, one of whom was Moore's preschool aged daughter. Moore also allegedly stalked his ex-wife and sent her hundreds of threatening texts and emails. The woman sued for damages including pain and suffering, mental anguish, medical bills for therapy and loss of earning capacity due to fear and emotional distress. 

      I have to admit this is some pretty scary stuff to do to someone. I remember a few years ago, I'm not sure if someone was pulling a prank on me or what, but they posted on Craigslist: "Free riding mower" in my region with my phone number attached to it. My phone rang for days asking about this free riding mower. It got to the point where I would pick up the phone and said, "There is no damn riding mower!" My experience wasn't even close because no one was asking me for sex, although, my story might have been different if they were. The point is that it's pretty scary stuff when people place your phone number on a public forum out of revenge.   

REDSKINS GAME OR FORESKINS GAME?

     Yeah, I know there are stories out there more important than this one like the FOX feed during game 1 of the World Series last night, Derek Jeter's getting married and more school violence, but this story that I saw posted on someone's Facebook page took the cake. 

     So, as you can see here in the photo, while the Redskins were being dismantled in the first half by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers last Sunday, this Redskins fan sitting high up in the loge area had the best seat in the house. He was getting oral while watching his favorite team! What can be better than that? It seems Kirk Cousins wasn't the only one fumbling balls on this Sunday. Normally, this can happen in the privacy of your own home, but this is happening at Fed Ex field and that is hilarious! My favorite thing is that the guy to his left his clueless. 

     An anonymous fan told Deadspin.com this: "The guy in the Taylor jersey and the girl were there with a group of about 6 other people. I'm pretty sure the girl wasn't his girlfriend. The were pretty much being inappropriate the whole time. With the guy in the Taylor jersey even going as far as motor boating the woman in front of everyone with her clothes on of course. Then we noticed the girl stumble to the ground and didn't get back up. All you saw was a head movement from our angle. In the picture you can see his pants lower than normal. It's stopped when someone came up to them and said 'Get a room!' Followed by a lot of laughter from them. 

     Here's the crazy part! This guy wasn't the only one getting oral in that section this past Sunday! Look at this picture! What the hell happens at Washington Redskins games? It's no wonder the team sucks so bad, but their attendance is still up! Girls are giving head in their loge section. That explains why the loge section sells out so quickly every season. Listen, I know that when fans go to games, alcohol takes effect and who knows what happens? But seriously? You couldn't get a room or leave the game and go do it in the car? Way to stay classy Redskins fans. 

UNNECESSARY BEATDOWN OVER A CELL PHONE

     I remember when I was in high school, there were no such thing as cell phones yet. When my classmates and I wanted to communicate, we would hand each other notes. If those notes were intercepted by the teacher, you were embarrassed in class or you were given detention. That was about it. Apparently, not the case these days. 

     The FBI and the U.S. Justice Department will investigate a South Carolina sheriff's deputy brutal takedown of a high school student, an assault allegedly prompted by the girl's refusal to hand over her cell phone. Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott said he requested the federal probe into the officer's use of force, which was captures in a viral video even the sheriff called "disturbing." Lott said his department will cooperate with federal investigators in conducting its own internal review. 

     Classmates revealed that the shocking assault on the Spring Valley High School student started over the girl's cell phone. A teacher caught the high school senior using her phone in math class and demanded she hand it over and get out of her chair. The teen refused to do so, even after the teacher and school administrator repeatedly asked her. That's when the deputy, Ben Fields, was brought in and tackled the teen, who has not been identified, but her defiance launched a nationwide outrage when a video of the violent beatdown went viral. One student stated, "She really hadn't done anything wrong. She said she took her phone out, but it was only for a quick second." 

     The student's video of he now-infamous takedown shows officer Fields effortlessly flipping over a desk, and the silent girl with it, before dragging her across the room like a rag doll. Once he had the student pinned to the ground, he repeatedly yelled, "Give me your hands! I'll put you in jail next!" He made good on his statement and arrested the sobbing teen for disrupting school. She was released on a $1,000 bond. It seems this girl was not the one disrupting class though. It was officer Fields. 

     Fields, an 11-year veteran on Richland County Sheriff's Office, has been a resource officer with Spring Valley High School since 2008. Unfortunately, for him, he's been named in at least two lawsuits during his time with the sheriff's office, including a case accusing him of racial bias. That case is expected to go to trial next year. I'm sure this won't help. He's been placed on administrative leave pending this investigation. 

     Okay, here's what I don't understand. If the teacher asked for the phone because they felt the student was disrupting class, why didn't the student just give it to the teacher knowing she'll get it back after class? Why did it have to get this far? On the other end, did officer field really need to use this type of force on a young black girl? Would he have used that force if she was a young white girl? My last question is was this all necessary? What do you think? 

Check out the video here: 

PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY

     I guess some people will do anything to make an extra buck, huh? A French man is being accused of pimping his wife out to over 2,700 men and then pocketing the cash. That's right! If you had sex with a hooker in France recently, you might've banged his wife. 

     The 54-year-old sadistic spouse, who remains unnamed for legal reasons, allegedly sold his wife for sex, raking in more than $176,000 over a four-year span. This douchebag ran his lucrative business out his suburban home in Meaux, a town just north of Paris.

     The pimping husband reportedly listed his 46-year-old wife on four websites and communicated with clients via text and email. When clients would visit their home up to three times a day, the debauched husband acting as a "businessman" would routinely take their 5-year-old son and wait for him in the car, while the wife performed the sex acts. 

     The prosecutor in the case said in a statement, "The husband exercised psychological power over his wife, preventing her from stopping submitting herself to the sexual needs of customers who were sometimes very tough." Prostitution is actually legal in France, but solicitation is not. 

     The wife has not been charged, but the husband is facing pimping charges and up to 10 years in prison if he's convicted. Um, I think he'll be convicted! Who does that to his wife? I know that times are tough, but I would never pimp my wife out to sleep with strange men. The other part of the story that stings is that they have a 5-year-old son. Who does that? Only in France!

THE QUEEN OF JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGE

     Okay, first of all, I'm not sure if I should be proud or insulted that I received this story on Facebook from three different people last night saying they thought of me when they saw this story...(sigh) So, thanks, Roberto, Candi and Jen for this amazing story! 

      Let's just get to it; on Monday night, police were called to a Louisiana Walmart under the suspicion that a customer was shoplifting food. According to the police report, a Walmart worker contacted security through one of their walkies about a suspicious woman in the meat aisle. Security cameras filmed a 33-year-old woman named Shaniqua Johnson (I'm not racist, but that is definitely not a white girl's name.) shoving sausages under her shirt. The footage showed the woman walking to the bathroom, where she remained for at least 30 minutes. 

     Becoming even more suspicious now, the male security guard knocked on the bathroom door several times, but the woman did not respond. He then announced that he was entering. What he found behind the door of the unlocked stall is something that he will never be able to shake from his mind and "haunt his dreams forever." He reported that when he entered the stall....wait for it......Shaniqua Johnson was inappropriately pleasing herself with a Jimmy Dean package of sausage. He also stated that she didn't even stop when he entered. She just stared at him and kept going. I am dying right now as I write this. I even just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

     Appalled and fearing for his life, the 140-pound security guard ran out of the bathroom until police arrived because Shaniqua Johnson was a "mountain of a woman." When the police did arrive, female officers entered the restroom while Johnson continued to work that Jimmy Dean sausage. It took seven officers to restrain her and pry the victimized sausage out of the woman's hands. 

     Shaniqua Johnson was arrested and taken into custody where she was charged with shoplifting, indecent exposure and resisting arrest. Walmart management said in no way do they tolerate this type of behavior. They have a strict policy against shoplifters and a sign on the bathroom door that states "No merchandise allowed beyond this point." They didn't, however, call to attention the masturbating in their store. Is that allowed? Shoplifting and bringing things into the bathroom were the only things they addressed. And what about the stamina on Shaniqua Johnson? She just did not want to stop. Jimmy Dean should make her their spokesperson because of her love for the breakfast meat alone. I'll never look at a Jimmy Dean sausage the same again.