SHE BURNT HIS JUNK!

     Talk about a hot and cold relationship! This is Kenya Alozie from Nigeria. She's been jailed for nine years after burning a man's junk with an iron while they had sex. Okay, guys are you done wincing? She also attacked the man with a broken bottle during the assault this past May. 

     Why would she do such a thing? Well, according to British police, the 31-year-old's attack was "calculated and pre-planned." No word on exactly why she attacked the man, but according to the Detective Constable from Greenwich Police, "She ensured she had a broken bottle to hand and a hot iron to strike the victim and seriously harm him."

     The victim suffered multiple burns and deep cuts, and he has undergone several operations as he continues to recover. Following an investigation, Alozie was arrested at Heathrow Airport as she prepared to fly back to her family in Nigeria. She was found guilty of grievous bodily harm with intent at Woolwich Crown Court in London. 

     All I can say is "Wow!" What would possess someone to do such a thing unless this guy raped her in the past or cheated on her or something like that. Nothing has been revealed other than the fact that she planned this attack, but why? If someone burnt my package, you can bet that there would be a natural reaction meaning this woman should not even be alive right now. Then again, she must've burnt this guy pretty badly. There are some really sick people in this world. 

IT'S MY S**T IN A BOX...

     The other day I told you about a Florida police officer's wife, who stole packages from another police officer's family's front steps, while it was all caught on surveillance video, right? Well, 'tis the season! Because a Las Vegas man has been victimized by the same bad deed. He's had packages stolen right off of his front steps. People are such assholes! 

     Well, this guy, apparently, had enough of their crap, so he decided to fight back with some crap of his own, which I think is brilliant, but I may have taken a different approach. I'll tell you what I would have done after I tell you what he did. So, the man placed his dog's poop in a "Priority Mail" box and watched one suspected thief take the bait on his surveillance video. Yes, to all of you prospective porch pirates, homes have surveillance cameras these days. You won't get away with it, morons! Okay, now, what I would have done was collected a week's worth of my dog's crap, which would have stunk, then I would have crapped in the box for a couple of days myself, sealed the package up nicely, so that the stink didn't get out, and then I would have left a nice heavy package in front of my door as bait. I thought this guy was too nice with his one little piece of dog poop. 

     The homeowner, Eric Burdo, told a TV channel, "I was kind of excited and I just kept replaying it. I just kind of wanted to give them back something." Burdo placed the excrement-filled box on his porch  on Thursday, and the alleged thief (with an accomplice) took the goods on Sunday. Burdo said, "Hopefully, they don't do it again and they learned their lesson." He went on to say that these guys should consider this a very smelly lump of coal in their stocking because even though they've been naughty instead of nice, he wasn't getting the police involved. He said, "I didn't want to call them and say somebody stole a box of poop off my front porch." I have to say, this was a brilliant idea and for those stealing packages and being porch pirates, beware! We're onto you!

SEX GAME GONE WRONG

     Since when do people go dying playing sex games? Actually, what is a sex game? Is that like naked Twister or something? Anyway, a 91-year-old Portuguese woman suffocated to death during a freaky sex game with her 49-year-old married neighbor. Wow, that is almost twice his age!

     The woman was discovered in her bed, naked from the waist down and flanking sex toy in Aveiro, a small town just south of Porto, Portugal. There were also severe injuries to the woman's genitals that authorities believed were caused by the sex toy discovered next to her body, according to a Portuguese newspaper. 

     The neighbor who discovered the older woman said,"I noticed only two small bruises on her face, but there was blood on the sheets and a picture of her husband resting on her chest." The neighbor added that the woman was a sailor's widow and had an affinity for cracking jokes with men and was very active despite her age. Here's what I don't get: the newspaper said authorities believed the sex toy caused the bruises, but the neighbor said the bruises were on her face? Was she slapping herself in the face with the sex toy? It makes no sense! And what sex game were they playing for her to become that bruised? Was the sex game called "Rape a Senior Citizen?" I mean seriously! 

     The next-door neighbor, who happens to be a married father of two, was nabbed by officials after his DNA was discovered by officials through the semen at the scene. That sucks! The neighbor was later released on bail and the judge notified him that the woman died from asphyxia based on the autopsy results. The death is being considered an accident and police said there was no sign of forced entry. Oh, okay....WHAT? So, the other neighbor was let go because the woman died from asphyxiation? Um, am I the only one recognizing this? This other neighbor maybe CHOKED her out and beat her, explaining the bruises on her face? He put the dildo in her hand to make it look like she was playing with herself. It sounds to me like the neighbor killed her and got away with murdering a 91-year-old woman! Wow! The judicial system in Portugal is top-notched! Remind me never to get killed in Portugal. My killer will get a way Scott-free!

SCHOOL OF MARY JANE?

     I want to know where these schools were when I was young and "experimenting" with marijuana? Well, when marijuana was legalized in Washington D.C. last year, many people celebrated, but some with less smoking experience scratched their heads as to why? Some even pondered, "Weed is legal, great! But how do I grow it? Where do I find it? How do I smoke it?" A few months ago, the answer to those questions was to "just Google it," which is much less conventional than the old-fashioned way the way I learned--through friends. But the D.C. School of Mary Jane, a new educational business based in Columbia Heights, aims to change all the questions. 

     Basically, the School of Mary Jane teaches you how to consume marijuana recreationally and safely. The school's founder, only to be known as Ryan, said his goal is to "weed" out falsities based on 'decades upon decades of misinformation and stigma tied to marijuana.' Ryan said, "This is a conversation that we need to be having. I suppose the class is one way of having it."

     Ryan, a former teacher, said that before launching his company, he took some time to seriously study the "kush." Yeah, I'm sure he had to study really hard too. He said, "I spent four or five months doing research, drawing from my own personal body of experience. We have a presentation that goes through the ins and outs of marijuana." For about a hundred dollars, if you live in the Washington DC area, Ryan or another instructor will come to your residence with a pipe and a presentation. You are allowed to bring three friends and they will tell you how to consume weed, whether it's smoking, eating, or vaping. He will also share recommendations for acquiring it. He will also share the risks and benefits associated with marijuana use. 

     Ryan said, "The class is to say, this is what's going on. This is what you're putting into your body this is what it's doing, and that this is a safe recreational drug to use." There are a few ground rules related to the rule of law: Ryan will not teach on federal property. All participants must be 21 or older. And most importantly, Ryan will not provide the weed, but he will partake in friendly conversation and quiz you on your marijuana factoid knowledge. 

      Since launching the business about a month ago, Ryan said the response has been overwhelmingly positive. He said, "The reception has been great. We're still young, but we've demoed a couple of classes so far. People are interested. My inbox is swamped every day with questions." Even though, Ryan's goal is to make some money with these classes, he also added that the main objective of the class is to educate as many people as possible. I have to be honest, with my experience, I can literally be doctor of marijuana in this school. Hell, I might even be a guru at this school. 

     Ryan finished up by saying, "When I started using marijuana recreationally about six or seven years ago....I didn't know what I was putting in my body. It took years of traveling the country and abroad, years of experimentation, some of it costly, and not all of it pleasant. UI want to make a shortcut for people that I didn't have and sidestep the mistakes that they may make, the unpleasant trips and the misinformation." This sounds like a great class. I hope Ryan franchises this out. I wish there was a school like this when I was "experimenting." Just like everything else in my life, I was self-taught!

THE GRINCH HAS NOTHING ON HER

     T'is the season, or so they say around this time of year. T'is the season to be a burglar that is. Most home break-ins are said to happen during the holiday season. The only thing is that you wouldn't expect it to come from a cop's wife. They're calling her the Grinch who stole Christmas because she got caught on surveillance video and then she was arrested. Knowing that many houses have video surveillance these days that they can check on their smart phones, why would you even think about stealing something off of someone's front porch. Unless, that burglar was from the land of the bright people, FLORIDA!

     Dana Hager, the wife of a Florida police officer, was arrested on Monday on burglary charges for the Friday night porch poaching. Polk County deputies tracked the 42-year-old down after her victim posted surveillance video on Facebook showing the thievery. She swiped two packages full of Christmas presents off the porch of a neighbor's Lakeland home, which happened to belong to another cop and his wife. Unreal! 

     According to Sheriff Grady Judd, "The fact that she's a cop's wife is shocking. The fact that she stole from another cop's wife is shocking. And, then my wife saw it on Facebook and knew more about it than I did is shocking!" I'm guessing the Sheriff was shocked over the burglary. 

     Hager, who is married to a Haines City Police sergeant, plucked the two UPS boxes around 10 p.m. on Friday. The homeowners, a cop and his wife, and their 2-year-old daughter were home at the time. Hmmm....If they were home, why would the packages still be on their front porch at 10 p.m.? That's neither here nor there because Hager still should not have stolen the packages. Anyway, the mom inside the house grabbed her 2-year-old and ran to a bedroom, where they watched the surveillance feed from the front door camera. She watched as Hager threw the boxes into a plastic bag and fled in her car.

     The packages were filled with Christmas gifts for the couple's daughter. The victim posted the footage on Facebook, where it racked up more than 50,000 views. Hager dropped the opened packages back off at the home early Monday, but was arrested later that day. The shocked Sheriff chimed in again, "Here's the word. We're watching the porch pirates. The cops' wives are watching the porch pirates. Facebook is watching the porch pirates. We're gonna put you in jail and you'll stay in our jail where you won't need any presents." Did the Sheriff Judd just make up a new word? I've never heard of a "porch pirate" before, but I like it. It must happen so often these days that they have a name for it now. Unreal!

     Here's the kicker--Hager was already on probation for shoplifting from a Kohl's earlier this year. What the hell? She's  serial kleptomaniac! And the funniest part is she's a cop's wife! That poor police officer who it trying to uphold the law is married to a woman who keeps breaking the law. Now, that is pretty funny stuff! Again, you can't make this crap up! Hager is being held without bond. She faces unarmed burglary, petty theft and violation of her probation charges. You're a mean one, Mrs. Hager!

AUNT SEX-FIEND

     Over the Thanksgiving break, I ran into a few readers, friends and family members who actually read this blog, and they asked why I don't write about teachers having sex with their students anymore? The only way I thought to respond was, "Aren't you sick of those stories by now?" I mean, I've written many stories about them and they seem to follow the same storyline--teacher flirts with student, teacher sends student provocative text photos, teacher seduces student in the parking lot or her apartment and the two have a month long fling until the student tells his parents. Teacher goes to jail. It's the same story every time. At least when I write about stupidity, we have different stories. Then again, having sex with your student is pretty stupid!

     Well, today, I don't have story about a teacher having sex with her student, but I do have for you a story about an Texas woman who was recently arrested and accused of having sex with her teenage nephew "hundreds of times," according to police. This is 43-year-old Peggy Phillips, who has been charged with sexual assault of a child. Authorities believe the pair's relationship began approximately eight years ago in her home in Pasadena. 

     Phillips is being accused with having sex with the boy on several occasions between 2007 and 2009 when the boy was 15 to 16 years old. Wait a minute! That would make the boy around 23 to 24-years-old now. Why would she be arrested now? She turned the boy into a man. Move on! Phillips is said to have first assaulted the boy when he was in the hospital. What did she do? Give him a handy? I mean technically, is that assault? If you're a guy or an adolescent boy, that is clear not assault. By the way, I hate when they consider these cases assault. It's not like she was smacking him around while she was doing him. Whatever happened to the phrase, "It takes two to tango?"

     Police believe their twisted relationship continued after the boy moved from South Carolina to live with Phillips and her husband. According to court documents, the boy had sex with the woman "hundreds of times after that." Yeah, so? Phillips also allegedly sent inappropriate photos and text messages to the teen. Yeah, so? All I see here is a court only blaming her for this. What about the boy? He made no moves on Phillips whatsoever? There are no text messages on his phone that he sent to her? It doesn't sound like Phillips is getting a fair shake since this case is eight years old. 

     The boy's uncle reportedly told investigators that he took the boy into his home because he was in "a bad situation in South Carolina," but everything "went south" after he moved in during the summer of 2008. Here's what I don't understand and they don't reveal it in this story, but who snitched? Was it the boy or the husband? Mrs. Phillips is now being held in lieu of a $30,000 bond. I don't know. Eight years is a long time to not say anything if the boy was the one who snitched. She probably threatened to stop having sex with him, so he revealed all like a turkey!

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

     A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about a guy who had to fight Facebook to allow him to use his real name on the social media site. His name was Phuc Dat Bich. That was his real name! He was Vietnamese and obviously, that is not the way it's pronounced in their language, but is sure looks funny in ours. 

     Well, with that being said, this is Bud Weisser. I swear that's his name and that's exactly how it's pronounced in our language. Sometimes, you have to question what kind of sick parents would name their child Bud after fully knowing their last name was Weisser. That's just a really bad joke. That would be like my parents naming me Louie, knowing our last name is Louie. Yes, that would mean that my name would be Louie Louie.

     Anyway, Bud Weisser, here, is being accused of trespassing, of all places, the Budweiser brewery. Maybe he felt it was his birth right? According to police in St. Louis, Weisser was arrested Thursday night after he allegedly entered a secured area at the brewery at around 6 p.m. The 19-year-old crashed his car around 6:48 pm and hopped a fence to get on to brewery grounds. Security guards wrestled with Weisser, who they said refused to leave. Police were called to the brewery and arrested Weisser for trespassing and resisting arrest. I'm still laughing at the fact that his name is Bud Weisser and he was arrested at the Budweiser brewery. You can't make this crap up!

     This isn't the first time Weisser has been accused of a crime either. In August 2014, he was arrested on a felony burglary charge for breaking into a gas station-convenience store with his German friend, Heine Kin. Just kidding, about the German friend. Anyway, a judge ordered Weisser to prison for five years, but the sentence was suspended since the suspect was able to meet certain conditions. In October, Weisser posted his mug shot on Facebook as his profile pic. Wow! This kid is trash. I guess it's only fitting because what kind of people drink Budweiser? And who would name their kid Bud if they know their last name was Weisser. This kid's fate was doomed the minute he was born. He Weisser....This Bud's for you!

HE BLEW IT

     What can be worse than texting while you're driving? If you ask me, I would tell you nothing is worse. I hate it when people text when they drive. They end up swerving, driving really slow and they basically become dangerous to the drivers around them, who they don't even acknowledge because their noses are too far into those text messages. If I had to send a message today with this blog, it would be to "Cut the crap! Stop texting and driving!" 

     That being said; that's not what this guy did. He wasn't texting and driving. He was receiving oral sex and driving, which might be worse. It might feel way better than texting, but once again, you lose your senses about your surroundings and people die. So, this is 54-year-old Randy Joe Allen from Florida. He is the inattentive driver who received oral sex from a female passenger he met at a bar and struck and killed a bicyclist along a Florida highway Saturday night. Here's what I don't understand; what the hell was a bicyclist doing riding on a highway on a Saturday night? Are there bicycle lanes on the highway now in Florida? Maybe Mr. Allen wasn't totally at fault here. 

     The 54-year-old allegedly kept driving after encountering a "bump" along U.S. 92 in Auberndale and told the woman he hit a stop sign. A witness saw the fatal wreck and followed Allen's car to call in his license plate to 911 dispatchers. The witness returned to the site of the alleged hit-and-run only to find the bicyclist dead. The victim, who was homeless, was identified by police through his fingerprints as 49-year-old, Terry Lamunt Ross. 

     Deputies tracked Allen and his dented blood-splashed pickup truck to a Lakeland bar. Allen told authorities that he had no idea what he hit, while allegedly slurring his speech. He claimed to be too "distracted" by the "young lady." Um, too bad, Mr. Allen. It looks like you might be going to jail for a little while. You took a life. Same should go for those texting while driving. Take a life, pay the penalty. Allen is being charged in connection to the hit-and-run and could face additional charges pending toxicology results. They never mentioned anything about the road head. That must be legal in Florida. I mean, I guess the important thing is that Mr. Allen was drunk and he hit a person on the side of the road. I still don't understand why a bicyclist was riding on the side of a highway. 

I SWEAR, IT'S NOT MINE, OFFICER!

     Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Can you imagine moving into a new house and then receiving a package that wasn't addressed to anyone in the house, but when you opened the package, there was 7 pounds of marijuana in it? First of all, why would you open a package that wasn't addressed to you? Secondly, would you call the police if you found 7 pounds of marijuana? Hell no! It's party time! I'm only kidding! But this is what happened to a family in Arlington, Texas, just in case any of you recently moved from there and were waiting for a package in the mail. 

     The package, which is now in the hands of U.S. Postal Service inspectors, was dropped off to the wrong person. So, if you want it back, there might be a small problem. The box containing 7 pounds of marijuana, was left on the doorstep of an Arlington home. The address on the label was correct, but the recipient's name didn't match the homeowners, who'd only recently moved in to the previously vacant property. There was no return address. Pretty fishy, huh? 

     The new homeowners opened up the package and immediately called the police after seeing what they described as "a green leafy substance." I still don't understand how this family is not in trouble for tampering with mail? If it's not addressed to you, you're not allowed to open it. Tampering with mail is a federal offense. If I received a package that came to me with the wrong name, but the right address, I would have given it back to the post office to forward it. Opening up mail that isn't addressed to you is a crime. Why isn't anyone calling attention to that? Besides, that "green leafy substance" is legal in many states now. Maybe it was someone's medicine? I think the problem here is really mail tampering and those goody two-shoes should be the one's in trouble. 

     According to Arlington Police, "The family was a little shook up and surprised.They don't want anybody obviously coming looking for a package now." Who the hell moved into this house? The Brady Bunch? Police seized the weed and it's now in the hands of the U.S. Postal Service inspectors, who are investigating the incident. Police are speculating that someone may have been shipping packages to the house, which had been vacant for some time before the new family moved in. Doh! Oops!

SIZE DOES MATTER.....IN SWEDEN ANYWAY

     Talk about awkward! Can you imagine going in to buy condoms only to be asked if you can measure your penis, so they can give you the right size? That's what a school in Sweden is doing. 

     The Stockholm Schools Youth Clinic, which serves people up to age 23, began handing out the specially designed tape on Tuesday, which measures penis circumference and not penis length. 

     Nurse Eddie Sandstrom (yes, that was weird calling him a nurse.) said on the clinic's website, "A common reason for a condom slipping off or breaking during sex is that you've bought the wrong size. You have to measure the circumference of the penis when erect, not the length. On our measuring tape, you get the measurement in millimeters and a few recommendations for condom types that are suitable." Millimeters? I have to admit, it sounds like those Swedish men are pretty small. Besides, do condoms really slip off? I don't think I've ever had my Magnums slip off. 

     Apparently, Swedes are not measuring up when it comes to preventing sexually transmitted diseases, largely due to their declining condom use. A 2013 report from the HealthExpress online clinic named Sweden the STD capital of Europe. Sandstrom said, "Gonorrhea is on the rise, and the number of chlamydia cases is not falling despite many awareness campaigns." 

     So, the free youth clinic is offering free condoms in girth sizes from 2 to 2 1/2 inches. The Swedish Association for Sexuality Education also tried raising STD awareness last summer with an ad showing a man wearing a giant penis costume who runs around parks and sidewalk cafes spraying people with confetti. The campaign tagline said, "The Penis can surprise you." The campaign's video went viral even if the condom use didn't.