PENIS PONG ANYONE?

     Okay, I will make this quick since this story speaks for itself! Guys, do you remember when we were kids and you asked your other friends, "Did you bring your baseball equipment?" And when the other kid said, "No," everyone would get a big laugh? For those of you who didn't get that, it was a juvenile kid's joke asking if their friend brought his bat and two balls. Get it now? 

     Anyway, this guy brings new meaning to bringing his ping-pong equipment. It's attached to him for crying out loud! A video has gone completely viral of a man using his penis as a ping pong paddle to hit a ball and actually gets a pretty good return. I would say this was nuts, but it was actually all penis! 

     Here's the family-friendly version of the smash.....


     .....If you really want to see the full-frontal version, you can take a look here.

     If you think this guy is the only one playing schlong pong guess again. Click here. 
As you can see these players are so good at playing schlong pong, there's no need for them to even grip the paddle. And God forbid they lose a ball, they always have a spare two on them. Like I asked earlier, "Did you bring your ping pong equipment?" I wonder how this sport is going over in China since ping pong is kind of the the national sport. Hilarious!

WATCHING PORN WHILE DRIVING KILLS

     It's no secret that texting while driving has become an epidemic in this country. I mean, I can't be the only who gets pissed off when I'm behind someone and they're either driving insanely slow or swerving, and then when you pass them, they're on their phones texting someone. That pisses me off beyond all belief! When they say that texting while driving is the new drunk driving, they are not kidding! It's just as dangerous. So, put the phone down people! It can wait until you make a stop somewhere. What you're doing is dangerous and you're endangering your life as well as the life of others. The same goes with drinking and driving. I've seen many friends get seriously hurt because of both. 

     That being said, texting while driving is nothing compared to what this Michigan man did. Apparently, he was killed in a car crash because he was distracted by watching porn and masturbating instead of watching the road, according to Michigan State Police. 58-year-old, Clifford Ray Jones was "punching the dolphin" on Detroit's Interstate 75 early Sunday morning when the skin-flick distraction on his smartphone caused him to roll out of control. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt and was ejected from the 1996 Toyota's sunroof.

     Police found the road-masturbator face down in the dirt without any pants on at the the scene of the crash at around 3 a.m. Michigan State Police lieutenant Mike Shaw said that porn-induced crash was one of the most bizarre things he had ever heard of. He said, "We see people putting on makeup, we see people doing different things as far as hygiene, as far as reading books, it's almost to the fact there's so much technology out there a lot of people are paying more attention to what they're doing other than driving their cars." 

     We need to stop this, people! Either these phone creators have to find a away to disable the phone when it enters a moving vehicle or these car companies need to create a driverless car that drives itself. As I said earlier, being distracted on the road doesn't only put your life in danger, but it also endangers the lives of people around you. I'm guilty of it too. If my wife is watching a movie on her phone when we're on a long drive, I have a tendency to look, but I've stopped because I realized that I'm not as alert to the road as I should be and I'm putting everyone around me in serious DANGER! Okay, that's my public service announcement for this week. Don't text and drive! Don't watch movies and drive! And most of all, don't punch the dolphin and drive!

ONE WOMAN WHO WON'T TAKE "NO" FOR AN ANSWER

     Do you remember those times when you just weren't in the mood to do "it"? I mean, I'm always in the mood so I don't remember times like those, but I can assure you that the husband of Sondra Earle-Kelly, 51, can't say the same thing. This South Carolina wife hurled ceramic figurines at her husband and hit him with nunchucks after he refused to have sex with her. Yes, I said she beat him with nunchucks!

      Kelly is facing aggravated domestic violence charges for the fight that took place the night of January 17 in Rock Hill, north of Columbia, SC. Her husband was watching TV in his living room when she asked him to go to bed with her. When he refused, she kept "assaulting him with whatever she could pick up." I mean, we don't know the history of this couple. He might be a cheating husband and that's why he refused to have sex with his wife. I will tell you this, if my wife tells me she's in the mood, that TV is off and my clothes are already on the floor while I'm waiting for her in the bed.

     Reports also claim that the woman had no idea how her husband got hurt. Police said she'd been taking sedative Xanax. The report also stated that Kelly had wounds to her abdomen that apparently were self-inflicted. She was released on $15,000 bond. Who the hell bailed her out? I hope the husband didn't. The bottom line to this story is "Drugs are bad, mmmkay!"

A MOVING SNOW BANK?

     Well, that was an interesting response to yesterday's blog about the Oscars! Thank you all for participating. I've come to the conclusion that I will be boycotting the Oscars too since there are no Chinese people nominated! Moving along....So, are we ready for this blizzard about to hit this northeast region of the United States? Did every one stock up with their bread and milk? Are the snow blowers ready to go? 

     I know some of you will get lazy when it comes to cleaning the car off because there will be too much snow. But for the love God, please make sure you clean your car off thoroughly and don't clean it off like this lady. (photo above) This Canadian woman was ticketed after driving what police called a "moving snowbank." According to the Halifax police, the woman was stopped on Wednesday because her car was not properly cleared of snow. The photo of the four-door black sedan shows only a small section of the windshield cleared of snow on the driver's side and several inches of snow on its roof. 

     The woman told officers that she was on her way to a car wash to melt the snow. WHAT....A.....MORON! The woman was issued a $180 ticket for driving a motor vehicle with an obstruction on its windshield. Not only did this woman put herself in danger, but she put others in danger, as well. What if someone was crossing the street from right to left? She would not have seen them. What if a car was turning from the right side? She would not have seen them. It takes an extra 15 minutes to clear your car off. Yes, it sucks, but it's better to be safe on the roads out there. 

     Officers posted the photo of the snow-covered vehicle on their Facebook page as a deterrent and it's been shared more than 500 times. Apparently, this woman in Halifax wasn't the only one trying to cut corners in Canada. In Ontario, a man received a $110 ticket after an officer spotted his car which was largely covered in snow with a small hole in the front window so he can see. Luckily the officer knew the driver, so he still gave him a ticket and a warning to clear the snow from his car before he goes for his next drive. The officer then helped the driver clear the snow from his car before he let him on his way. 

     With the snow coming, please don't be like these two idiots! Clear your cars off completely before you drive. Not only is it dangerous for you, but it's dangerous for us too. Make sure that you especially get the snow off of the roof. There has been many times where I saw frozen snow on the roof of a car go flying off the roof as the car was driving and come crashing down on a windshield of the car behind them causing an accident or the windshield to be severely damaged. The bottom line is clear off those cars before you drive! And that ends my public service announcement! Happy Blizzard and go get the bread and milk!

OSCARS VERSUS THE BLACK COMMUNITY?

     I need to get this off my chest because it's been bothering me since the story came out. So, Will and Jada Smith came out and blasted the Academy because there were no black people nominated for any of the awards this year. Um, was there even a movie released in 2015 featuring black actors that were Oscar-worthy? Oh, I'm sorry! Is Will Smith's feelings hurt because he or his movie Concussion weren't nominated? I've seen Concussion and yes, it was a really good movie, but it wasn't great! It wasn't Oscar-worthy. Oh wait! Is it because he used a Nigerian accent that he should have been nominated? Not for nothing, but when I watched The Revenant, I forgot that was Leo DiCaprio in the movie. Now, that is Oscar-worthy! I did not forget Will Smith was Will Smith just because he hid his accent. Was he good in the movie? Yes. Does he deserve to be nominated? Not up against the nominees nominated. 

      So, why did this have to turn into a black or white thing? Did Leo complain every time he got snubbed and lost to Denzel Washington or something? No! Why is Snoop, or whatever he's calling himself now, going around saying, "They're stealing movies from us because they can't come up with their own ideas!" Yeah, lest I remind you about the black "Annie", the black "Karate Kid", the black "Honeymooners", the black "Look Who's Coming To Dinner", and now a black "Rocky" in "Creed". Do I need to go on? It doesn't matter! Why is this even a race thing? It's so dumb! How quick Mr. and Mrs. Smith forget that Dr. Martin Luther King stated that he had a dream about all men being created equal and that men would not be judged by the color of their skin. I really believe that this is not the case here. They are just black when it's convenient. How dare they pull the black card. I'm no racist and have many black friends, whom I love and respect. I also watch Tyler Perry movies when they're one because movies have no color for me. I'm Chinese for crying out loud! Do you see my people crying because John Wu wasn't nominated, or Jet Li, Chow Yun-Fat or Jackie Chan weren't nominated for something? If that were the case, we'd be boycotting The Oscars every year!

     It sounds to me that the Smiths are being bullies and trying to rally the troops. So, now, the Academy is going to feel compelled to add a black nominee in there, whether they deserved it or not, just so the Smiths won't bitch about the Academy being racist. That is a bunch of crap! You know what? That actor that played Finn in Star Wars: The Force Awakens was better than Will Smith....Not nominated! Neither was Star Wars and that movie broke every box office record known to man! Samuel Jackson in the Hateful 8 was better than Will Smith.....Not nominated! You know why? Because there were better performances out there than Will Smith, Samuel Jackson and John Boyega (Finn). What's next? Are they going to have to add a "black" category to the Academy Awards? 

     This is unreal! I mean, there is this awards ceremony in Asbury Park, NJ every year and every year, I don't get nominated for best journalist for some reason, even though I can write circles around every writer nominated. I'm also pretty well-respected on the music scene. Like the Smiths, I bitched about it, but I never brought race into it. I was told that I didn't cover bands in the area, yet every band nominated for an award was a band I wrote about. So, how was I not covering bands in the area. At the end of the day, the award ceremony is just this one big "kiss-ass" fest that maybe it's best I'm not a part of. Do I have an ill-will towards the people who put it on every year? Never. Will I ever attend? Never. So, I understand where Will and Jada are coming from. Your feelings are hurt and you feel your hard work is not recognized by your peers. The problem is that it is recognized. In my case, people are still reading my columns, this blog and supporting everything I do whether I was nominated for some silly award or not. Will and Jada are stars because we made them like that. The people and not blacks, whites, yellows, browns, purples, reds, you get the idea. So, they need to get over themselves and stop making this a race issue because it's not! The Academy just didn't feel your performance was good enough to be nominated. END OF STORY! And by the way, Will and Jada Smith.....WHO CARES IF YOU'RE AT THE OSCARS OR NOT? 

DR. EJACULATE

     Did you ever wonder what happens when you're on the operating table and they put you under to operate on you? It might be better off that you didn't know. Especially, if you had Dr. David Newman! The prominent Manhattan doctor was accused of groping a second Mount Sinai Hospital patient before surrendering Tuesday for allegedly masturbating onto another woman's face. What the hell? 

     Newman turned himself in on charges that he ejaculated on a patient, who was knocked out by a shot of morphine and he delivered personally in the hospital emergency room. The 45-year-old doctor is an Iraq War veteran and a published author. He was arraigned on sexual abuse and forcible touching charges in both cases Tuesday evening. Newman, whose wife was a "no-show" at the arraignment, was held on $150,000 bond over $50,000 cash bail.

     A second woman, who went to Mount Sinai for medical help back in September, four months before the January 11 incident, surfaced this weekend with her own tale of "woah" by the Montclair, NJ doctor. The 22-year-old patient alleged in her report that she went to Mount Sinai suffering from a severe head cold on September 21, and Newman's "treatment" included fondling her breasts, masturbating and unloading on her face. What I don't understand is why didn't she stop him? It didn't seem like she was under any anesthesia. If someone was masturbating in my face, I would punch them in the balls. Unless, it was a woman, of course. Then, I would just let her continue. 

     Anyway, Newman has yet to make a comment on any of these charges against him. Hospital officials confirmed on Tuesday that he remained on suspension as the investigation moves forward. Authorities want a court order for a sample of Newman's DNA to compare it with evidence that was taken from the gown that his alleged second victim was wearing on January 11. The victim said she used the gown to wife the semen off her face (I'm about to throw up!), and placed it, along with a blanket that she used to clean up, inside a plastic bag. Man, Newman is screwed!

     The patient from January said she was complaining about shoulder pain when she was taken to a private room inside the emergency room at Mount Sinai. After nurses gave her two pain pills and shot for inflammation, the patient was given a shot of morphine by one of the nurses after complaining about more pain. She was then told to change into a gown for X-Rays and that's when Newman walked in and said, "I'm going to give you a shot of morphine." She told him that the nurse had already given her one, but he decided to give her a second shot anyway. Then he began fondling her breasts after the woman complained about pain on the right side of her chest. Newman then moved her bed away from the wall and positioned himself with his back toward the patient. She heard the sounds of someone masturbating and then felt the warm semen hit her face. All the while, she couldn't react because she was heavily medicated. 

     Newman is due back in court on February 23. Okay, here's what I don't understand...If his back was towards the patient, how the hell did he ejaculate on her face? Did he shoot it over his shoulder? The fact that he hasn't made any comments in his defense kind of proves he's guilty....Or does it? I mean, he's a smart man (he's a doctor) and a war veteran, I would assume that he knows better than this. The only problem is that he has two victims dragging his name through the mud with the same acts of lewdness. I can see if there was one, but there are two. I'd say that Dr. Newman is in some pretty big trouble!

SWEET CHASTITY

      You might be looking at this thinking, "What the hell is that?" or you might be thinking, "Ouch!" All of you fathers out there are probably thinking, "That's exactly what I need for when my daughter turns 16." 

     It's exactly what it looks like....a chastity belt! Who knew these things actually existed? I only saw them in movies like Robin Hood: Men In Tights, however they do exist! It turns out, an Italian woman recently stunned firefighters when she called with an emergency and asked them for help opening the lock to her chastity belt. 

     The unnamed woman reportedly turned to the emergency services as a last resort after losing the key to the lock. The 60-year-old woman, who has not been identified due to the country's privacy laws, went to a fire station in the city of Padua. She told the firefighters, "Hello, I lost the keys to a lock and I can't open it."

     The women shocked the crew when she lifted up her sweater to reveal an iron chastity belt around her waist., complete with an iron padlock. That serious can't be fun when you have to pee really bad. I mean, even during medieval times, how could they think that this was a good idea? What if they lost the key? 

     So, anyway, the woman had to explain that she wore the belt voluntarily to prevent herself from entering into sexual relationships. Um, yeah. She's 60. How much sex was she having to not be able to trust herself to say no? I mean, come on guys! We all know that women have that stuff locked down tight and we can't go in unless they say yes or no. Why would anyone really need to wear an chastity belt for real? This 60-year-old lady must've looked like Sophia Loren or something because I find it hard to believe men are trying to bang in her door. After seeing this device, though, I would say there is a safe bet that no one would be banging down here door. 

WHAT THE HELL IS A GUY-FI BOOTH?

     I received this story at least twice last week, so I needed to dive in and take a look at what this was all about. Well, do you remember back in the day, when they used to have those peep shows on 42nd Street? You know, those ones where you could put a quarter in the machine and the window would open up and there would be a half naked lady on the other side talking dirty to you while you rubbed one out to her? Good! I don't remember that either, but for argument's sake, let's just say I heard about places like these. 

     Apparently, something called a "Guy-Fi" booth popped up on 28th and 5th in New York City. What is a "Guy-Fi" booth? Well, it's sort of a public telephone booth equipped with a chair, a curtain, and a laptop for men to sexually relieve themselves in the middle of the day. Don't worry! It's a hoax! It turns out, a sex toy company trying to get a rise out of New Yorkers "erected" a head-turning promotional ploy on Fifth Avenue. 
   
     Hot Octopus unveiled what it called a "Guy-Fi" booth, where men could, in theory, go to "relieve stress" mid-workday. The masturbation-themed marketing scheme was inspired by a Time Out survey, which concluded that 39% of the New York men questioned admitted to masturbating while at work. The booth was created to "take this habit out of the office and into a more suitable environment designed to give busy Manhattan men the privacy, and the high-speed Internet connection, he deserves," according to a press release from Octopuss. 

     The booth was actually an out-of-service public phone booth. Do you remember those? It was draped with a back curtain, a folding chair, a laptop computer and Hot Octopus ad along the side. Adam Lewis, the co-founder of Hot Octopus, said in a statement, "At Hot Octopus we are all about looking for a new solution to improve everyday life and we feel we've done just that with the new 'Guy-Fi' booth. We hope the city's men enjoy using the space we've created in whatever way they want." 

     A rep for the company later said, "The brand is not actively encouraging people to masturbate in public as that is an illegal offense." Um, yeah! You think? Can you imagine walking by that booth and rubbing one out in there? I mean the only thing separating you and the public is a black curtain. Basically, that's not too private. Isn't masturbation more of a private thing? Unless, of course, you're some sort of pervert to whacks off on women's legs on the subway or something. Hmmm.....Maybe these "Guy-Fi" booths will prevent that. Either way, what the hell? 

I'M NOT DISSECTING ANY CAT!

     Okay, I need to start by saying that I know that no story will be  topping yesterday's story, but I can at least try. There was a story about another fake lottery winner that was fooled by her son, but I feel like I covered the fake lottery winner already this week, which brings me to today's story. Does anyone remember dissecting animals in biology class in high school? I remember dissecting worms, frogs, baby pigs, and baby sharks. It was absolutely disgusting! I try to put it out of memory, but that's instilled in there. I remember for extra credit, one of my teacher's asked us to take the rest of the meat off of the frog and diagram his bones. I didn't want to, but it was extra credit, right? Thank God, my aunt who comes from the old country was over that day. She had no problem ripping the meat off of this dead frog for me. I ended up getting an "A", but "WTF"? How can you do that to a teenager? It's traumatizing!

     That being said, a central Virginia mother and daughter are challenging their county's school system over an assignment in human anatomy class. The project involved dissecting one of the most common house pets, a cat. Oh, hell no! When I was in high school, they only did this in Physiology. A class that I didn't take for that very reason (and I sucked at science). Brynnan Grimes, an 11th-grade student, sketches and writes stories about cats in her spare time, which are her favorite creatures. She has a very strong affection for cats, to put it mildly. Her family has five cats including her personal kitten, Sparta. 

     Grimes is growing closer to her companion animals because the 16-year-old is now being home-schooled after coming home one day from class with a message to her mother. Her mom, Tamira Thayne said, "She came home and she said, 'mom we're supposed to dissect cats in anatomy class,' and I was blown away." Grimes says she couldn't believe what she heard from the teacher before the dissection. "She said, 'if you have a black cat just pick a white cat to dissect,' I was like that doesn't change anything. They're still a cat!" 

     The school system says it follows state guidelines for alternatives to animal dissection. The guidelines require the school notify students of the alternatives and provide specific activities or resources as an alternative. Grimes' mom now wants her outrage on this channeled into action as she posted a petition on change.org (which never changes anything.) Grimes says she is glad that other animal lovers are joining in the cause. I have to say that when I was in high school, this was never an issue. I understand the complaint, but these cats that are used are already gone and preserved for class purposes. It's not like they are using live cats and killing them for this class. I can understand that it can be tough to cut an animal that you have at home as a pet, but don't take that class then? I don't believe that Physiology is a requirement. I mean, I knew they dissected cats in that class, and I steered clear. I took a Power class instead to learn about cars. I knew I wasn't going to be a doctor, so there was no reason for me to cut up any cats. Anyway, good for you Brynnan for standing up for what you believe in! 

OOOPS!.....A SURE WAY TO AN "A"

     I love getting stories from my Facebook friends for me to blog about, but for the love of God, people, send it to me privately if you want me to write about it. Don't post it on my page because why would I blog about it if you already posted it? Anyway, that's what my bud, Hector Castro did. He sent me this delicious story. The names were left out to protect the victims, but the story is so awesome and hot that I had to share this. 

     So, who isn't attached to their smart phones? I mean, no joke, I know a bunch of people still using flip phones and they aren't using them as burner phones either. Anyway, it's not an uncommon practice for professors and teachers to give out their cell phone numbers for students to text or call them for quick questions on assignments. Really? None of my professors ever offered that to me. That being said, most people have had those awkward moments where they accidentally texted someone something that wasn't meant for them. One professor sent her student some sensual text messages that definitely worked in the students favor in more ways than one. By the way, as I'm writing this, I'm so distracted by the photo above. 

     So, last week a student received a text from his professor. She had given the students her cell number earlier in the semester for question and she saved his number. My professors only gave us their office number and email for questions. That might have been best in this scenario. I'm not sure I've ever heard a professor giving students their cell number. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn't if I was a professor. Regardless, the student and the professor's boyfriend apparently share the same first name. The professor mistook the student's phone number in her phone with her boyfriend's and sent a series of photos to her student with provocative messages. 

     The texts start out with the professor in a seductive pose asking if he'd like to see more. Obviously, the students response was "Definitely!" I mean, what moron would not want to see more of their hot professor? So, she ends up sending more. Next, she sends the student a photo of her with her top pull up, showing her boobs and her pants pulled down, exposing her underwear with a message saying, "Can't wait to see you tonight." Now, this is where the texts get interesting. Personally, I would have played along so she would send even more pics, but that's just me. The student informed the professor that she had the wrong number and then proceeded to tell her that he is from her COM 201 class. As expected, the professor freaks out after realizing what she'd done. 

     She responded, "Oh Shit! Please delete those pictures. Then, she struck a deal with the student. She plead, "If you delete them and don't tell the university, I promise to give you an 'A' in the class. Don't even bother showing up for the final." What would you do in this situation? Obviously, the student jumped at the chance for a free "A" in a class. He texted her back a very short message..."Deal!" Then, he texted her again, "Just one more thing," adding one last request. She replied desperately to keep him quiet about the incident, "Anything!" He wrote, "Just thought I'd let you know I'm impressed by what I see ;)" Hell yeah! He was! He's a hot blooded young man. Only a guy not interested in girls would have been disgusted by these text messages. 

     Well, the professor kept to her promise, but I'm not sure that he did. Although no names were involved, this student's legendary way of scoring that "A" had gone viral. It even ended up here in my blog and I love it! Thank you, Hector for this amazing story! Now, I need to go spend some alone time in the bathroom! Only kidding, honey!

ONLY IN JERSEY......

     I know that I just wrote about the Powerball jackpot and lottery curse yesterday, but this might go down as one of the most cruel, but funniest stories I've read in quite some time. This might go up there with the time my friend, Scotty B from Z100 and I played a joke on Greg T "The Fratboy", where we gave him a scratch off that was a sure winner. Scotty bought it at a gag gift shop. We set up a camera to catch Greg's reaction and it was priceless! We watched Greg scratched the numbers off one by one and realized he had won. He actually started crying thinking he was a millionaire. He then proceeded to tell us all off since he thought he was able to quit his job and be a millionaire until we asked him how he was supposed to redeem his ticket and collect his money. The redemption ended with "You can pick up your cash at your mother's house!" Then Greg really started crying when he realized the joke was on him. Cruel? Yes! Funny? Yes! Because it was all caught on tape!

     Well, let's fast forward to this past Saturday night for the last Powerball drawing. For about 20 minutes, the staff of a North Jersey Italian eatery, Grissini's in Englewood Cliffs, apparently thought they had become a bunch of millionaires after matching all six Powerball numbers for the $900 million jackpot. They thought they were filthy rich! The servers, bartenders, cooks and other employees started hugging and jumping for joy. One dishwasher even quit! That is hilarious! You have to see this video....It's ridiculous!

  
     One valet even told a customer to pull his own car around since he was a millionaire now. The restaurant called it "pure pandemonium" on their social media pages. But the screams of celebrations and crying quickly came to a halt after they realized that bartender Charlie Poveromo had read the winning number from last Wednesdays drawing and not Saturdays....THAT SUCKS! If they would have had those numbers last Wednesday they would have been millionaires today, but the ticket in the photo above was for Saturday's drawing and not Wednesday's. How's that for a kick in cojones? 

     According to Poveromo, his friend had sent him Saturday's numbers from the Powerball website just after the 11 p.m. drawing, but apparently the site hadn't updated the new numbers yet. It's called looking at the date of the drawing first, people! Poveromo said, "I dropped my phone I was shaking so bad. I finally found (my phone) and by that time there was already a buzz in the restaurant. People were crying and everything." A buzz? If you watch the video, it was "pure pandemonium!" Poveromo said no one realized they had the wrong numbers for 15 to 20 minutes. 

     The restaurant's publicist, Angela Thomas, said the blunder was by no means a publicity stunt, but someone still may have played a cruel joke on the restaurant staff. I don't think it was a joke. I think it was a simple mistake of not reading the right date for the numbers. Despite the let down, the staff will take another shot at tonight's $1.5 billion jackpot. They've already picked up more than $400 worth of tickets, according to Poveromo. Well, my message to the staff at Grissini's, keep an eye on that date! Or at least wait 15 minutes for the Powerball site to update. Or watch the drawing live at the bar! Regardless, your video was priceless (almost as priceless as Greg T's video). Thank you for today's entertainment.

IS THE LOTTERY CURSED?

     With the Powerball jackpot at $1.3 billion, many of you, like me, are thinking, "What would I possibly do with $1.3 billion dollars?" I mean after taxes, it might be around $600 million, but I'm sure many of you can live with that, right? But the question remains, what would you do with that kind of money? 

     You have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning Powerball, but according to the stats, if you did win, there is an even better chance that you'll go broke or die. Nearly 70% of lottery winners end up broke within seven years. Even worse, several winners have died tragically or witnessed those close to them suffer. It's almost like God is saying, "Sure, you can have millions of dollars, but I want something in return." So, still want to win the lottery? 

     The New York Daily News posted this article about Edward Ugel, author of the book Money for Nothing: One Man's Journey Through the Dark Side of Lottery Millions. The article was pretty eye-opening as he Ugel explains in his book the thousands of lottery winners he's known, few were happy and only a small number lived happily ever after. He said, "You'll be blown away to see how many winners wish they'd never won." I don't know about that. I think if you're smart with the money, it can go a long way. Then again, how the hell would I know? The most I ever won was $10 on a scratch off. 

     One of the unlucky winners Ugel wrote about was Abraham Shakespeare. Just weeks before Shakespeare was killed, he told his mother he wished he never won. Shakespeare hit for a big $30 million jackpot back in 2006, causing his friends and family to hound him for money. He befriended a woman named Dorice "Dee Dee" Moore, who tricked him into believing she was trying to protect him from greedy people around him. She then convinced him to transfer his assets to her before he went missing in 2009. In 2012, she was sentenced to mandatory life without parole for his murder by a judge who called her "cold, calculating and cruel." I mean if you look at this story, why would Shakespeare befriend some total stranger and actually listen to her about "his" money. I wouldn't have. What a "tragedy"! Get it? See what I did there? Shakespeare? A tragedy? 

     Anyway, another story followed David Edwards, a former drug addict felon, who won a $27 million jackpot in 2001, while unemployed in South Florida. He quickly blew through the money by purchasing a $1.6 million house in Palm Beach Gardens, three race horses, a fiber optics company, a Lear Jet, a limo business, a $200,000 Lamborghini Diablo and a multitude of ther luxuries. Edwards and his wife also turned back to drugs and had numerous run-ins with police for possession for crack cocaine, pills and heroin. See? Here is someone who sounds like he made some of the right investments in lucrative businesses, but all of the other accessories were unnecessary. And in this case, it sounded like his drug-fueled past came back to get the better of him. He lost all of his money in just a few years and ended up living in a storage unit surrounded by human feces. He later died in hospice at the age of 58. 

     And the last story from the article that I wanted to share with you is based on the photo I posted above. That was 46-year-old Urooj Khan from Chicago. He dropped dead the day after winning $1 million in 2012. An autopsy revealed that Khan died of cyanide poisoning. Both his sister-in-law and father were suspected to be involved in his death but no one was ever charged. His winnings and properties were split up between his daughter and widow. 
 
       So, after reading all this, do you still want to win that $1.3 billion from Powerball? Yeah, me too! Like I said earlier, I've never won, so I don't know what will happen, but with my wife's and my brain, I would like to think we would invest it wisely. Then again, you never know. I told my wife yesterday that if we did win, we would just go into seclusion so that no one could find us except for people we want to find us. This way, no one will hound us for money and we can just enjoy ourselves. My other thought was to buy an island and just have our friends and family live on it with us, while we lived off the land, but had no laws to follow and no government to tell us what to do. These are all pipe dreams unless I hit it big tomorrow. If you don't see my blog after tomorrow, you know what happened....

THE PROPOSAL THEY'LL NEVER FORGET

     Why does this couple's engagement photo look like a couple of mugshots? That's because they are a couple of mugshots! This is  what is wrong with America.....Stupidity! I'm not a conspiracy theorist by any means, but I'm starting to think that drugs were put here in America to really dumb us down and make us weak, so another country can take us over. I guess that does make me sound like a theorist. Okay, we're just really dumb as a society! 

     This is 25-year-old William Cornelius Jr. and his 20-year-old fiancee, Sheri Moore from Bay City, Michigan. The couple celebrated their engagement at a Walmart (how romantic!) with a $29.62 ring and a dramatic proposal over the PA system. Unfortunately for them, they spent the night in separate jail cells after allegedly shoplifting some sex toys at a Spencer's Gifts close by on December 30. According to authorities, the couple stole a "Bride-To-Be" thong, an edible thong, oral sex candy (in case they got hungry later) and a vibrator (for the real fun to happen).  

     According to investigators, Cornelius purchased the ring right before popping the question. Surveillance footage shows Cornelius dropping to one knee as Moore says yes to the applause of fellow customers. I don't know about you, but that sounds like one of the most romantic proposals I ever heard. No one was applauding at Spencer's, however, as an employee called the Bay County Sheriff's Department with a shoplifting complaint a short time after. The two suspects fled the scene before the police arrived. 

     A woman later ID'ed as Moore was apprehended near a Taco Bell. Man, you can't get any more trashy than Walmart, Spencer's and Taco Bell! Anyway, she was followed there by a Spencer's employee. Deputies searched Moore and found a pair of gold earrings and a silver necklace with a star pendant. Moore denied stealing anything from Spencer's. Where was Cornelius when all of this was going down? Apparently, Moore's fiancee nodded off in the mall's food court. According to witnesses, he fell asleep at the table while tying his shoes. Again, I say, "Drugs are bad! MMkay?" 

     Deputies say they work Cornelius up, searched him and found a watch and a variety of items from Spencer's worth $80.93. He was arrested for retail fraud and Moore was charged with larceny. I mean, seriously, you knew this engagement was doomed the minute you read that he bought the ring at a Walmart. We get trashier and trashier and dumber and dumber as a society as the days go by. Sometimes this stuff doesn't even shock me anymore. It's not only global warming we need to worry about. We should also worry about the global dumbing! 

     Before I close, I'd like to take a minute to pay my respects to the man who made glam rock and music, cool. Yesterday, David Bowie lost his 18-month battle with cancer. Bowie left behind a legacy of music, style and art. He was an icon in the music industry and just like Lemmy from Motorhead, they will be missed! R.I.P. David Bowie and Lemmy Kilmister and Fuck You Cancer!

NO TIME FOR FACETIME

     Am I the only one who is not a fan of the Facetime calls? I mean it's cool sometimes, but I hate looking at myself on the phone. Phones are meant to communicate and not look at each other. Then again, isn't that what you do when you're actually with the person? Have you ever been Facetime butt-dialed? Aren't those the worst? 

     Well, tell this doesn't suck! Can you imagine recently getting dumped by some girl and while the wound is still fresh in your heart, your ex pours salt on that wound in a Facetime call you will never forget. That's what happened to Finn The Creator. (That's his Twitter name....don't even ask.) Finn posted, "She broke up with me because I texted back too fast." Um, what? I mean, that's a great reason to break up with someone! Did she mean he was too possessive by texting back to fast? Is 'texting back' code word for ejaculating? I mean, I would hate to think girls are dumping guys because they "text back too fast." Girls will think of anything to have a different dick!

     So, Finn was trying to contact his ex-girlfriend because they actually work together. What did I say the other day about not shitting where you eat? He said, "I wanted to know if a certain manager worked that day." So, he Facetimed her? Why? Why not text her? Why would you Facetime her? That's when his Facetime request took a turn for the worst. The photo above was what he saw when she accepted his request. What do you do in an incident like this? You take a screenshot and post it on social media! 

FINN THE CREATOR

     The photo got retweeted and "liked" 14,000+ times with people giving Finn crap about calling his ex in the first place. Come on! We've all been there. When you really like the person and she dumps you, all you want to do is hear her voice. If you act like you've never been there, you have no soul! He posted, "My mentions been hurting my soul since I posted this." Poor kid, but dumb kid too! Some replies noticed a ring on the guy's finger. Um, hello! That's his right hand! That's not a wedding band, morons! And am I the only one who noticed that Finn's ex has a great rack? If I were Finn, I wouldn't have posted this online, I would have kept this photo for a lonely night with a jar of vaseline. It's a pretty hot pic! Just sayin'! Also, maybe she dumped him because of the selfies he took?

DON'T TAKE YOUR WORK HOME WITH YOU....

     And so it begins....a new year and your very first story about older women with teenage boys. It seems you guys like these types of stories, so I will oblige. Besides there were two today. One consisted of an Illinois teacher who performed sexual acts on a teenager while his mother was downstairs in the same house on New Year's Day. The kid didn't get a chance to brag since the mother walked in on them. What the hell is going on in this world? I mean I get that men are dogs and maybe women aren't attracted to dogs, but these boys are mere puppies, who turn into these dogs. What are you ladies doing? Experienced versus inexperienced? Hmmmm....My guess is that it's a control thing. 

     This story isn't about a teacher, but yes, an older women taking advantage of another teenager. This is 29-year-old Selena Marie Baxter, a juvenile counselor who got intimate with an inmate and had dirty dates with the teen boy. Baxter had a months-long relationship with a 16-year-old boy she was supposed to be helping. She met the boy when he was an inmate at Lake Granbury Youth Services, a juvenile jail near Fort Worth, Texas, in October of 2014.

     Baxter was a licensed professional counselor intern employed by the Texas Department of State Health Services at the time. Well, she just screwed up her life. I'm sure a person in that position made a nice chunk of change working for the state. What a dummy! Hope this little boy was worth it. 

     After the boy was released in June 2015, his mother found naked photos of Baxter and dirty texts from the counselor, according to the police report. One message from the lustful alleged sex fiend read, "Baby, I have never felt this much for anyone as I feel for you, I am so in love with you." The boy's mom called police and later contacted the Texas Rangers. 

     During the six-month investigation, police learned that Baxter took the boy to a "Life In Color" concert at the Rio Grande Valley and stayed at a Holiday Inn Express. That's pretty classy! (sarcasm) That's where they had "sexual activity, but they didn't have sexual intercourse," the teen told police. Wait! So, after all that dirty talk, nude photos, and a hotel room for the night, she couldn't even get it in? What did she do play with his pee-pee all night? I mean really? Did she examine his body? This chick Baxter is a loser! If I knew I was going to get caught, might as well go down in a blaze of glory! I'm not for molesting minors like this, but if you're going to do the deed, then DO THE DEED! 

     Baxter, the dummy, was arrested on December 22 (my dad's birthday!) and charged with violating the civil rights of a person in custody, and indecency with a child by sexual contact. This is why they never say to shit where you eat. It never tastes good in the end!

GUNS 'N' ROSES TO REUNITE AT COACHELLA....WHO CARES?

       Okay, so this artwork showed up on Slash and Duff McKagan's Twitter feeds yesterday confirming the world's worst kept secret that the "Bad Boys of L.A." are reuniting.....But is it the real "Bad Boys from L.A.?" Let's take a look at this for a minute. I know you're used to me poking fun at stupidity, but today, I have a real buzzkill rant and that buzzkill today is the excitement around this false Guns 'N' Roses reunion. 

     Don't get me wrong, Guns 'N' Roses was one of my favorite bands of all-time. Appetite for Destruction is still my favorite record of all-time. There was not one bad song on that record! The first time that I saw "Welcome to the Jungle" on Headbanger's Ball on MTV (Yes, aging myself again since MTV doesn't even play music videos anymore!), I was hooked! Motley Crue may have been my favorite band, but GNR gave them a run for their money. Both bands were from L.A., both bands had the same "Fuck You" attitude, and both bands were legendary. Then when MTV presented the "Guns 'N' Roses Live at the Ritz" concert, I solidified myself as a fan, buying all of their t-shirts, home videos, back patches for my jean jacket....I even spent the money and bought the original Appetite for Destruction vinyl with the girl being raped by that robot. I was all in!

     Then after GNR Lies, the band fired drummer Steven Adler and replaced him with Matt Sorum for the Use Your Illusion albums, which was definitely not a bad trade-off, but it showed vulnerability in the band. It meant the members were replaceable. If they can do this with Steven, they can do this with anyone. At the time, Motley Crue was a solidified band. It was the four of them for life! Then they fired Vince Neil and hired John Corabi, but we all know how that turned out and even they eventually returned to the original lineup. Anyway, after Steven was gone, Izzy Stradlin left the band and was replaced by Gilby Clarke. Again, not a bad replacement, but vulnerability. 

     Then on July 17, 1993, Slash and Duff McKagan would play their last show as members of Guns 'N' Roses. To me, this band was finished. My fandom had been depleted. I was not following a band that consisted of Axl Rose and a bunch of back up guys. Nothing against Bumblefoot, DJ Ashba, Frank Ferrer and Rich Fortus, but they were not Guns 'N' Roses. They were just hired guns to play Axl's songs. I had the opportunity to roadie for Sebastian Bach a few years ago when he opened for this new version of GNR and back in the day, I would have been super excited, but I went out to see the first couple of songs of the extremely late set (Thanks again, Axl!), and it just didn't have the same magic that it once had. 

     Slash and Duff went on to do some great things with Velvet Revolver and then eventually Slash's solo stuff. Duff became a New York Times Best Seller and is still one of my idols and major influences when it comes to playing the bass. I interviewed Slash a bunch of time and thought he was a super nice guy and extremely intelligent. In fact, my boss was talking to Slash backstage at the Rock Carnival here in Clark, NJ this past September, which is right around the time he and Axl first made up, sparking all these GNR reunion rumors and my boss asked him, "Will there be a reunion?" Slash told him, "Never!" He basically said that he just kissed and made up with the guy and a reunion was furthest from his mind. I guess the cash wasn't too far from his mind though because they will be reuniting at Coachella this year.

     I feel like I'm the only one who isn't excited, though. After, I just explained to you my history with this band and the fan that I used to be, you would think that I would be super excited. I guess I would be if I knew that Steven and Izzy were part of this reunion, but according to all of the reports, it's just Axl, Slash, and Duff with Richie Fortus and Frankie Ferrer and that isn't sitting right with me. If it's going to be a reunion, it needs to be a reunion. I would even be okay with Matt Sorum and Gilby Clarke, but I'd mainly like to see the original five members. That would make it worthwhile to me. Otherwise, this reunion is shit! Steven wanted this reunion the worst. That's the way I heard it on my pal, Eddie Trunk's show, and he's not even a part of it. 

     

Who knows if Axl will even show up? I mean, he was supposed to be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight and guess what? He bailed! So, is this a sign of things to come for the organizers of Coachella? Is this a sign of things to come for an upcoming stadium tour? Will I go? I might go just to see it, but as far as excited? Not even a little bit! I would be more excited to see Sebastian Bach and Rob Affuso reunited with Skid Row.....or at least Steve and Izzy joining this reunion. Otherwise, smeh!

 

WHAT AN ASS!

     Happy New Year, everyone! It's a new year for the stupid to take place and let me be your source for that! In getting 2016 off on the right foot, let's talk about this 20-year-old, who had sex with a donkey because based on what he told investigators, he was forced to because his penis "went out of control after he saw the animal." How does one's penis go out of control? For an animal, no less.

     Gideon Swartzentruber from Neillsville, Wisconsin, avoided jail time after pleading guilty to having sex with a donkey. But he asked the judge this week to revoke his light sentence and send him to the prison instead. The accused admitted to "encountering a female donkey and briefly having sex with it." In his explanation to investigators about his behavior, he said that at the time of the incident, "his privates were of control." I still don't get it. I know that woman say that us men think with the wrong head all the time, but for your bottom head to go out of control is unheard of. 

     According to a report in the nypost.com, the judge slapped Gideon with a year's probation and a fine of $443 and mandatory counseling. After he urged the court to send him to jail, the judge obliged and sentenced him to 30 days in the slammer. Gideon, who is a farmhand, has been fired from his job since then because it was his boss who caught him in the act with the donkey. 

     Gideon was charged with a misdemeanor count of sexual gratification with an animal. He claims that he did not hurt the donkey and that it was the first time he had done anything like that.Without sounding judgmental, this is pretty gross. I can understand having love for an animal, but to make lave to an animal? I just don't get it. Then again, this donkey is kind of "perrrrtty"! Okay, I'm done!