IS THAT AN EGGPLANT OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

     I know that usually I'm here to rant silly things and I haven't had the time to right a proper blog in a while, but today since it will be my last blog of the week because I will be working a music festival in upstate New York, I wanted to end this week on a silly note.

     Isn't it funny when vegetables grow into phallic shapes? Cantaloupes always look like boobs, cucumbers look like....well, you know. But it takes a lot of balls to attempt to sell a single eggplant for more than $100, unless of course it's shaped like a large penis. I mean I'm almost jealous of this eggplant in a twisted sort of way. 

     Anyway, a New Zealand man is currently selling the "erotic eggplant" on a bidding website, TradeMe.co.nz. The listing read: "For sale, a freshly picked phallic aubergine. Totally, organic, satisfaction guaranteed. All proceeds to charity." What the hell goes on in New Zealand?

     The current bis for the penile eggplant is a whopping $101 and the auction doesn't end until Saturday. The man, who asked not to be named, is selling the penis-shaped vegetable on behalf of his dad, who grew it at his home in Waikato. He told a newspaper, "He thought it was hilarious, and my wife and I found it pretty funny, too. It was a happy coincidence that the eggplant had that shape." 

     The seller plans to donate the money from the sale to the New Zealand Prostate Cancer Foundation, in honor of a family friend who recently died from the disease. The auction might bring a lot of money, but I guess we'll see. Of course, phallic fruits and vegetables are a fertile source of these weird news stories. 

     Last September, a San Diego woman learned the meaning of forbidden fruit when she got a shipment of produce that included a penis-shaped pear. In 2013, a woman in the U.K. grew a strawberry that looked amazingly like a penis and testicles. The 52-year-old woman was fascinated by the penis strawberry, but not necessarily impressed. She said, "It's funny how strawberry can grow like that, but I must admit, I did think it was a bit on the small side....not too much to boast about. It would be nice it if grew a bit bigger." Um, lady? It's a fucking deformed strawberry! Not really a penis! Hey, why don't you stroke the strawberry a couple strokes, maybe it will get bigger then......What the hell is wrong with people? 

OOPS! PULL THE SHADES DOWN NEXT TIME!

     I never understood the whole cheating thing. If you're going to cheat, why bother committing yourself to someone? Maybe I'm just cut from a different cloth, where I was taught cheating was bad. Before I met my wife, I was in a 10-year relationship, where I never wandered off. I can't say the same about my ex, but that's a whole other story. Did I look at other women? Sure? And I still do! Last I checked, I'm still a breathing human being. Will I ever act on it? Never because I committed myself to this woman for the rest of my life.

     That being said; two New Zealand workers were caught having sex in in their office by a pub full of patrons who watched, took photos, videotaped and even Tweeted the public sex show. One Tweet even read: "Congrats to the gentleman who made a deposit at Rabobank this evening." The wife of one of the workers been crying "non-stop" since the romp became public. The encounter between the two colleagues at Cristchurch insurance company Marsh Ltd. was photographed and filmed by scores of people at the busy Carlton Bar across the street, who then posted the images online, which has since gone viral. 

     One source said the man was a manager at the company and was married with children. His devastated wife was no longer speaking to him and had been crying since she learned of the sordid affair. The woman, who was a lower employee on the totem pole probably looking for a raise (well, it looks like she got the raise!), was newly engaged and has since deleted her Facebook page. Neither the man nor the woman was at work the next day. Calls to their office lines were answered by colleagues and the man wasn't answering his cell phone. Wow! Some journalists went as far as trying to call this guy on his cell phone? That takes some serious balls. 

     A spokesperson for Marsh Ltd. said that this was "an internal" matter and wouldn't comment on the situation. One Facebook witness posted alongside photos of the man and woman, "Opposite the Carlton Bar where the whole pub knew about it and was watching, while they were totally oblivious to it. And afterwards celebrating with wine." Marsh Ltd. did say on Monday that an investigation in the matter had been launched. 

     Company chief Grant Milne said in a statement, "Marsh is very disappointed by the conduct of the two colleagues at our Christchurch premises. The inappropriate actions of those individuals are not representative of the many professional colleagues we have at Marsh." Wait a minute! Didn't they say this was "an internal" matter and didn't want to comment? That sounded like a comment to me!

     It is understood that the horny couple thought the tinted windows in the office would stop anyone from looking in. I guess the joke was on them, huh? Sometimes when I'm in New York City and I see office building lights on, I have a tendency to take a look in hopes see something naughty happening. No such luck yet on that, so these guys hit the jackpot! One witness stated, "Everyone knew about it! The band that was playing at the time stopped because everyone else was more interested in watching the couple. We all had a good laugh. It was the highlight of the night. 

     The fate of the unnamed lovers is not yet known. Personally, I would allow them to keep working there. They're living in their own personal hell now with him having to figure things out with his wife and she has to figure things out with her fiancee. The only punishment at work I would make to them is that I would take his managerial status away and I might put her in the mail room or something low like that. Again, I just don't get the cheating thing. Is it worth the hurt you cause other just because you can't control your animal instincts?   

THE BABY WITH A NOTE

Stupidity has been running rampant lately. It's not only happening in the U.S. It's international too! An unidentified New Zealand woman recently left her newborn baby in her car to go grocery shopping. Here's the kicker; she left a note to call her cell phone if there was a problem with the baby. Why do we let some people procreate? Don't get me wrong. Some women make great mothers, but this is absolutely ridiculous! I mean when my sister and I were about 6 or 7-years-old, my parents would leave us in the car while they went food shopping, but we were 6 or 7! We weren't infants in a car seat with a note on us! I mean, even today, parents would never leave their kids in the car, no matter what age. 

So, anyway, the unidentified mother sparked outrage when she left her newborn alone in the car with a note saying: "My mum's in doing the shopping, call her if I need anything." The message with the woman's cell phone number was spotted in a vehicle parked outside a Pak 'n Save supermarket in Porirua, New Zealand at around 9 a.m. on Saturday (3/23). A shocked passerby took a few pictures of the sleeping baby and posted them on Facebook, which led to a wave of angry viewers from across the world. 

The mother could face a $1,600 fine for leaving a child under 14 alone for an unreasonable time if prosecuted. Oops! Sorry, mom and dad! I meant my sister and I were 14 and 17! Wait, that would be weird because why would we be food shopping with our parents? Anyway, here's the best, or worst, part of this whole story; police have not been able to trace the mother as they don't even know who the people are. A spokesperson for the police department stated, "We would launch an investigation if we could, but at this stage, no one's come forward." I have to be honest; I doubt that anyone will either. Who will confess to leaving their infant in a car with just a note? The bottom line is this; this woman is not fit to be a mother! Maybe her mother used to leave her in the car when she went grocery shopping, so she felt that it was okay. Well, either way, there is no excuse for this even if you were only running in to get milk. It seems that the police won't be making a big deal out of this, but the photo should be used as an example of “what not to do as a new parent.”