CREAM IN YOUR COFFEE?

     My God brother really knows me. You know how? Because he texted me this story yesterday while I was drinking my coffee and it literally made me gag after I took my first sip. So, thank you, Derek, for ruining my coffee yesterday. 

     Now, it's my turn to ruin your morning coffee! This is 38-year-old Lewis Williams from Newark, NJ, who spent the last four years working as the personal assistant of Ms. Linda Moore, an executive president of the DANCO engineering firm. Among Williams's tasks as Ms. Moore's assistant, he was to take her phone calls, set her schedule and bring her a cup of coffee to her desk every day when she arrived at the office. 

     After a dispute with his boss the other morning, Williams admitted in front of dozens of co-workers, that he'd ejaculated in her coffee "hundreds of times" over the last four years. According to Brian Little, an intern who witnessed the entire scene, Williams showed no remorse while he confessed his crime. Little continued, "He almost looked proud when he told her: 'I've been eating your shit for four years, but all this time, you've been drinking my cum!' He then smiled and explained everything."

     The angered employee explained that he had been putting "extra cream" in Ms. Moore's coffee, five days a week and over many years. After his confession, his colleagues called the police and Williams was arrested on site. A total of 910 criminal charges have been filed against him, including 860 charges of sexual assault. If found guilty on all charges, he could face up to 1,070 years in prison. Come on now. Who lives over a thousand years? 

     Williams's motivations when he committed his crimes remain unclear, but there seemed to have been some serious animosity between him and his boss. Some of his colleagues have told reporters that he was deeply misogynic and found it humiliating to take orders from a woman all day. Other employees, however, have suggested that Moore was often "aggressive, dominating and verbally abusive" with the accused and may have acted as some sort of "self-defense."

     I mean I'm all about revenge, but shooting your man juice into her coffee is just disgusting. I mean report her to your human resources department if she was mistreating you. There is no reason to take matters into your own hands....literally! Extra cream in my coffee will never have the same meaning. This is why I treat employees under me with respect and hilarity. 

WOULD YOU LIKE CREAM IN YOUR COFFEE?

     My apologies to those of you who actually read my rambling everyday. This short week has really thrown me off my game, so I will have to make it up to you on a Friday with an out of the park blog. I wish I could tell you about my interview with the Black Veil Brides in today's blog because it got pretty raunchy, but I will leave the interview to be read on TheAquarian.com, which is where I am also a staff writer. Look for that story in November. Anyway, here's your out of the park blog, thank you to my fellow co-worker Peter Tran for this story and if I ever found out that you did this to any of us when you brought Dunkin Donuts in for the morning show, Peter; somebody is going to be in big trouble!

     So, a Minnesota hardware store employee has been arrested after he admitted to repeatedly ejaculating on a coworker's desk and into her coffee in an attempt to get her to notice him because he was attracted to her. Yup! That's exactly the way, I would've tried to get her attention. I mean he got her attention. The question is did she feel attracted to him after he got her attention? The answer is NO. 

     34-year-old John R. Lind told police that he blew is load in the woman's coffee cup twice since February, and finished on her desk another four times, using one of her scrunchies to wipe up the mess. That is hilarious! I'm sorry. Yes, this is really gross, but I can't help to laugh about it. According to police, Lind told them that he knew his actions were "gross and wrong."

      The co-worker did eventually notice Lind after she caught him at her desk with his hands on his crotch. She told police that he turned around and looked at her like "a deer in headlights." He to cover up by telling her he'd just come in to ask her a question, but the gross evidence was too damning and so was the solid woody between them. According to another story, the worker told police she inspected her desk and found jizz on the surface, dripping onto the floor. A lot of it had been absorbed into her hair scrunchy, which she put into a plastic bag. When they finally arrived at the scene, officers collected her coffee mug, coffee and scrunchy. I am dying over here as I write this!

     The co-worker also said Lind had approached her with his zipper down many times and that she was considering reporting him for harassment. Lind now faces two counts of criminal sexual conduct with the possibility of a year in jail and a $4,500 fine. The co-worker also told police she had noticed her coffee tasted strange recently, more than just two times since February. She said she'd had the tasted in her mouth before, but couldn't pinpoint it. (Okay, I made that part up!) Initially, she just suspected spoiled cream. After they told her what Lind admitted too, she said, "I knew it." Well, she was right! It was spoiled cream, but after police told her what it was, "I knew it" was her initial reaction? Is that weird to anybody? My initial reaction would have been to vomit all over the place. Either way, this story was hilarious! Thank you, Peter Tran!