RAPE? I THOUGHT SHE WAS CRYING FROM MY SIZE!

     If you didn't already think that stockbrokers were pretentious pieces of crap (apologies to my stockbroker buddies!), you're going to love this story! This is 26-year-old Daniel Green, a city trader in the U.K., who denied raping a young woman after a cocaine and champagne-fueled office party, saying he thought she was crying because of his penis size. Um, a someone sounds a little too "BIG" for himself. 

     Green allegedly attacked the woman, who is in her 20s, after she had curled up to sleep under a desk in the early hours. In court, Green said that he had trouble having sex with women because of the size of his penis, which would sometimes cause pain. Yeah, right! I can tell people that too!

     Green told jurors how he had met up with the woman, who cannot be identified, during after-work drinks, which went on to the stockbrokers' offices of StratX. When they arrived, Green said he drank Prosecco wine and a can of Kronenbourg beer from the office fridge while the group snorted a line of cocaine from a desk. He described the party by saying, "The music was pretty good and I jumped on the desk and started dancing. Everyone was dancing. Very enjoyable." Um, shouldn't these guys be getting in trouble for their cocaine use in the office as well? I mean what is this the 80s all over again? 

     Most of the StratX guys went home for the evening, leaving the alleged victim, Green, and two others. Green said he went to a nearby room to find a mobile phone charger and got into a conversation with the woman about her work, a normal conversation you would have with anyone. The he claims the two began kissing, he stripped to just his socks whole unclipping her bra with one hand and helping her out of her black leggings. He tried to have sex with her in a "spooning" position, but it was "awkard," so they turned to face each other. Green told the court, "I looked up and I see a tear on her face. I sat back. I said 'Fuck! You are crying.' She replied, 'Can you leave please, just go!'"

     When he was asked why he thought she was crying, he said, "Maybe my penis was hurting her. I always have difficulty when it comes to having sex with girls. I find my penis is hard to penetrate females." According to Green, his penis 10 inches long and around 4 inches in girth, as he demonstrated with his hand to the jury. He also denied the woman's evidence that she had tried to crawl away from him and he dragged her back and raped her under the desk. He said it all happened "in an instant" and she never said anything to him during the encounter. 

     I have to say, spoken like a true rapist. She never said anything. No means yes! I mean come on! The guy was high on coke, drunk out of his mind, and delusional about his penis size. How can he remember what even happened that night with all the coke and alcohol in his system? Plus, I'd like everyone to measure 4 inches with a ruler. Does it seem likely that he's 4 inches in girth? Maybe 4 inches long. I think the jury would have to measure for sure before they dismiss the fact that she was crying over his penis size. Needless to say, it sounds like rape to me!

LOOKOUT, GUYS! THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT NOW!

This is a call to action for all my brothers out there! There's a friggin' app for that now! It turns out; a Canadian doctor created a new smart phone app that accurately predicts the size of a man's penis using a set of seemingly inane criteria, including height, finger length, shoe size, etc. That's right! So, for those of you who aren't as blessed as I am, there's no hiding anymore because you know girls, or guys, in the clubs will have this app to size up their men.

The Predicktor, as it is called, was created by Toronto Physician, Dr. Craig Culligan, and functions as a "calculator that attempts to predict his penis size by cross referencing trends from scientific studies with his personal stats like height and finger length," reads the apps website. The app shares scientific journal articles reporting on men's health and sexuality, including actual distribution of penis size, as found in peer review journals. The app also touches on selected literature, which studies what women really think about the men's private parts rather than the locker room giggles. These are actual results from surveys. To gauge the size of a man's erect penis, the user must enter the subject's height, sexual orientation and finger length. The app also comes with a handful of educational features, including informational literature and the ability to compare your girth with penises around the world. Once you get this app, it will be hard for people to say that "You don't know Dick!"

The point of The Predicktor, according to Culligan, wasn't to be 100% accurate, but rather to provide men with a better idea of the range in sizes out there and soothe "the penis-related insecurity, anxiety or dissatisfaction" men have about themselves. He went on to say, "It's not how long your pencil is, but how you write your name." Wait! Is that like, "It's not how small the wave is, it's the motion of the ocean?" Really? If size didn't really matter, then an app like this would be unnecessary. So, apparently, size is important to some people. Like, I said, not problems here, but to the rest of my "small-half-grape-sized" brothers, they can find you now! Start lying about your height, shoes size and finger length if you want to survive this app! The Predicktor costs $3 and is currently only available for Android-operated phones. I can't believe there's an app for that now! Check out the commercial below: