THE FART TRACKER

    My partner in crime, Kevin, at work introduced me to this amazing little gadget. Okay, it's not amazing, but it is a little interesting, especially, for someone who loves to fart. Scientists often hope to break ground with their research, but a group of researchers in Australia would be happy with breaking wind. 

     The team of researchers developed an ingestible electronic capsule to monitor gas levels in the human gut. When the gadget is paired with a pocket-sized receiver and a smart phone app, the pill reports "tail-wind" conditions in real time as it passes from the stomach to the colon. The researchers reported their invention this past Monday in Nature Electronics.

     The researchers are optimistic that the capsule's gas readings can help clear the air over the inner workings of our intricate insides and the multitudes of microbes they contain. Until now, collecting such data has been a challenge. Popping the electronic pill is a breeze comparison, while early human trials have already hinted that the pill can provide new information about intestinal wind patterns and gaseous turbulence from different foods. One of the researches concluded, "Our pilot trial illustrated the significant potential role for electronic-based gas sensing capsules in understanding functional aspects of the intestine and its microbiota in health and in response to dietary changes." The researchers are currently setting up a commercial company to further develop the test capsules. 

     I'm not sure if I wants something in my body and tracking the gases I've produced from the foods I eat. Why can't I just enjoy farting? I am, however, a little bit interested in the study process. So, the researchers beefed up a prototype they had previously tested in pigs. The capsule is around 26mm in length and 9.8mm in diameter. Basically, the size of a large vitamin. In the trial published this past Monday, researchers tested the capsule in six healthy people. For the first, researchers monitored the pill's intestinal trek using ultrasound and linked locations with gas profiles. Overall, it took 20 hours to get from one end to the other, spending 4.5 hours in the stomach, 2.5 hours in the small intestine, and 13 hours cruising through the colon. In that time, the pill took continuous gas measurements, revealing potentially useful information in addition to gut position. 

     There were also problems in the low-fiber scenario. The pill took a little more than three days to work its way out of the body. It spent 13 hours in the stomach, 5.5 hours in the small intestine, and whopping 54 hours in the colon. In fact, about 36 hours after taking the pill, the subject was given a high dose of fiber to try to move things along. It picked back up 12 hours after the fiber treatment, according to the pill's data. 

     Well, that's your science lesson for today. No teacher sex with students. No sex dolls. Today, we discussed something we all do, and secretly love to do, but now we can learn what it all means. It's all in THE FARTS!

FIRED FOR FARTING TOO MUCH

     How can anyone fart too much? And can you be fired from your job for farting too much? Apparently, you can! A Pennsylvania man has found himself in a stinky situation. His wife filed a lawsuit last month against their former employer who allegedly fired him for farting too much. Is that even possible?

     70-year-old Richard Clem and his wife, Louann, both worked at Case Pork Roll Company of Trenton, New Jersey. He was fired in February, 2014, for his supposed flatulence. So, wait! A company that makes taylor ham, or pork roll to the southern folk, fired a man for farting? Doesn't their product create farting? Louann claims in a court filing that her husband's termination was a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Richard Clem supports the lawsuit and is taking legal action on his own through the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. 

     Clem said, "When the suit was filed, I didn't know it would go viral. I was very surprised." Clem started working for Case Pork Roll back in 2004 as a controller and believes he did a pretty good job. He proudly said, "I brought them into the 21st century." When he was hired, he weighed about 420 pounds, but underwent gastric bypass surgery in October 2010, to get rid of his own pork belly. Clem lost almost 120 pounds before gaining back about 10. With the weight loss came some embarrassing side effects, including "extreme gas and uncontrollable diarrhea." Back in 2013, Clem's symptoms worsened, which caused "significant disruption in the workplace." 

     Louann, who began working at Case Pork Roll in 2008, said company president Thomas Dolan repeatedly griped about her husband's gas problems. The suit alleges Dolan made Richard work at home and said things like, "We cannot run an office and have visitors with that odor in this office," and "Tell Rich we are having complaints from people who have problems with odors." 

     Richard Clem was fired from Case Pork Roll on February 28, 2014 and his wife Louann quit the same day "because of the harassment and discrimination her husband faced as a result of his disability and the resulting symptoms." The Clems' lawyer said that his clients gastrointestinal disorders may be getting the headlines, but aren't the key part of the case. He said, "Flatulence and farting is the sexy part of the story, but my client suffers from obesity, which is covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act." Louann Clem is seeking damages from Case Pork Roll that include pain and suffering, compensatory damages and punitive damages. Richard Clem is also asking the company employees to go through training programs that will prevent future incidents from occurring. He says, "I'm speaking up for people who are overweight. Does being obese mean you can't do a good job? Of course not!"

     I have to say that I am not obese and I am lucky that you can't get fired for farting too much in the office. I remember when I used to work in radio, I used to fart so much that I would stink my office mate out of the office. One time he got back at me because when I was listening to a syndicated show for any blips or curse words, I had to wear headphones, but I would still let them rip. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder and it was one of the girls who worked for Glenn Beck. Oops! She tapped me on the shoulder and waved. I was so embarrassed, but it didn't stop me. I just kept on letting them rip at work. Luckily, he never complained about it and was a good sport. This pork roll and farting case, though, is on a whole new playing field.  

SMELLING FARTS CAN BE GOOD FOR YOU!

     I actually saw this story the other day and was so intrigued by it. I tell my fiancee every day that farting is actually healthy and good for you. When I first told her, she thought that I was gross, but now we don't hold back. In fact, we adopted a Boston Terrier back in 2008 and for those of you who know the breed, you'll also know that they are the gassiest of all dog breeds. That being said; our home is a fart-ful household where we just break wind all over the place.

 I know that sounds childish and low class, but according to this study out of the University of Exeter in the UK found that hydrogen sulfide gas, which is found in rotten eggs and flatulence could reduce the risk of cancer, heart attack, strokes, arthritis and dementia. I knew it! I'm way ahead of my time. Anyway, the Exeter scientists created a compound called AP39 that delivers small, concentrated amounts of the gas to mitochondria, the "powerhouses" of cells that take in nutrients, break them down and create energy. Preventing or reversing mitochondrial damage is considered key to treating various ailments. According to Professor Matt Whiteman of the University of Exeter Medical School, "Our results indicate that if stressed cells are treated by AP39, mitochondria are protected and cells stay alive." 

     Of course, hydrogen sulfide can prove deadly in large doses, meaning that sniffing a fart or two here and there is a much better and safer idea than, say, filling your house with rotten eggs. So, just remember that the next time someone lets one rip in your presence, make sure you thank them for saving your life before you let the stink sink in and run in the other direction. I mean scientists have yet to confirm that smelling farts is as valuable as delivering their compounds straight to cells, but for now you can at least stop and appreciate that farting isn't all that bad for you. It might smell for a few minutes, but apparently breathing it in can be good for you. So, just let them rip!

FLATULISTIC ROMANCE

If you're a real man, you love to pass gas, right? But do you love it, when you're other half breaks wind? Okay, if you're a gay man, you might. Some might call it a mating call. I mean, for my hetero male readers; does it turn you on when you're wife or girlfriend, or in my case my fiancée, farts in front of you? I have to be honest; I don't even look twice anymore. That's how common they've become in my household between me, her and the dog. 

Well, women of the world who break wind beware! A 22-year-old, Illinois art graduate has this fetish that is like nothing I've ever heard before. He confessed to being turned on by females who fart. He told British researchers that he first got all horned up when a girl at school tooted during a class. He said, “I knew by simple biology that girls farted, but hearing the girl I had been fawning over was capable of such a thing sparked a strange interest in me."

It's the person releasing the flatulence and not the actual fart itself that gets this guy all worked up. This unidentified student, who is now believed to be the world's first case of "eproctophilia", says he's addicted to hooking up with women who pass gas. Can you imagine being on a date with this guy? Then accidentally letting one slip out and getting all embarrassed until he looks at you and says, "That was so hot! Wanna go mess around? That made me so horny!" That would be absolutely insane! I remember on my first date with my fiancée, I had to fart so badly because something I ate for dinner made me so gassy, but like a true gentleman, I fought it back all night and suffered the next day. 

 A Nottingham Trent University lecturer wrote about the case in his "Archives of Sexual Behavior" journal. He wrote: "Eproctophiles are said to spend an abnormal amount of time thinking about farting and flatulence and have recurring intense sexual urges and fantasies about them." How can this be a real fetish? Then again, this is 2013! Nothing shocks me anymore! You've been warned, women! Be careful who you toot in front of. It might actually turn them on! Before you know it, you'll have some strange guy's face right up against your ass sniffing your farts. How's that for an image?

STABBED FOR FARTING IN HER FACE?

This story came out last week via thesmokinggun.com. My bud , Scotty O, texted it to me, so I figured I'd share it because it's just too much and today is a little slow as a far as news goes. Unless, you'd rather hear about the two girls from DC who found out they were sisters after 17 years apart at a recent track meet or would you rather hear about how Teen Mom, Farrah Abraham, might be pregnant with porn co-star, James Deen's baby? So, getting stabbed for farting in her face it is! 

Anyway, if you didn't get to see this story over the weekend, it's unbelievable! So, this is 37-year-old Deborah Ann Burns from Immokalee, Florida. She recently had to explain to police that she stabbed her boyfriend in the stomach after he purposefully passed gas in her general direction. In other words, he farted in her face. Is this a good reason to stab someone? I don't think so, but Burns felt it was the right thing to do at the time. She told police that she was watching TV last Tuesday night in the home that she shares with her 53-year-old boyfriend of six years, Willie Butler. Burns said that at one point in the evening, Butler walked by her as she sat on the couch and blast a big gust of wind into her face. Burns claims that she then got up and confronted him about the fart in which Butler became agitated telling her to shut the hell up. 

During this confrontation, Burns allegedly grabbed an eight-inch kitchen knife and threw it at Butler, striking him in the stomach. He suffered a minor laceration and was treated at the scene by EMS personnel. Burns was arrested for aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and booked into the county jail. Burns is no stranger to being behind bars. She previously spent 21 months in a state prison for aggravated assault with a weapon and battery on a law enforcement officer. 

As I write this, I am sitting here shaking my head still in disbelief that someone actually stabbed another person for farting in their face. Thank God, she doesn't live with my little Boston Terrier buddy, Yankee, who farts in my face all day long and then decides to look at me like I'm the one who farted in his face. That's beside the point. The definition of a fart is an emission of gas from the anus. Last, I checked, an emission of gas from anyone's anus couldn't kill you. Some might smell so bad that you might think it can kill you, but it technically can't! I don't understand why she just couldn't slap him or hit him and tell him to cut the crap? The guy was 53! At that age, those guys can't hold it in any longer. The stabbing was a little much, but then again, Burns already had a history of assaulting people with a weapon. I guess it's true what they say, "Once a convict; Always a convict!"