TOO MUCH VODKA?

My singer sent me this little diddy last night causing me to spit my dinner all over the table. So, it turns out, a man in Moscow was arrested after stripping naked and nailing his own testicles to the ground in broad daylight and in full view of tourists at one of the world's most visited landmarks. What the hell is wrong with people? Do you really need attention that bad?

Self-styled performance artist Pyotr Pavlensky received treatment at a clinic before being taken to a police station following the incident, which he said was a protest against Russia's 'police state.' Well, I guess nailing your nuts to the ground is a good way to protest! Pavlensky managed to shock visitors in Moscow's Red Square by hammering a nail through his scrotum into cobblestones outside Lenin's Mausoleum, on the day Russia marked its Police Day national holiday. 

Pavlensky has put his body on the line for other high-profile protests as well. Back in 2011, after two members of the Pussy Riot punk protest band were jailed for singing inside Moscow's main cathedral, he sewed his lips together, and also wrapped his naked body in barbed wire outside a government building in St. Petersburg. Will somebody tell this guy that his protests aren't working and nobody cares? He's tearing his body a part for no reason! The testicle thing is just stupid!

THIS IS NUTS!

I don't make it a habit to write about celebrities, especially this one, but this new procedure that he inspired is pretty funny! By the way, thank you, Scotty O, for this story! So, apparently, George Clooney has, on occasion, joked that instead getting the wrinkles ironed out of his eyes, he gets the skin on his testicles 'ironed' out. Okay....Ouch! Well, now it turns out that he's inspired a new craze in Hollywood! That's right! Ball smoothing! 

A cosmetic expert, known as Nurse Jamie, says she added "Tighten the Tackle" to the list of services at her Santa Monica spa, Beauty Park, last year, and it's been a raging success ever since. First of all, wait till you see a photo of Nurse Jamie! Woah! Any "hetero" male will want Nurse Jamie working on their junk no matter how much ironing is involved! So, Nurse Jamie delicately described the $575 non-surgical treatment as a laser hair removal treatment that erases wrinkles and corrects discoloration in the scrotum. First of all, how do you even keep a straight face while you’re in a consultation? I'm laughing as I write about this because I read the word 'scrotum.' I guess the 16-year-old boy in me comes out from time to time.

Nurse Jamie went on to explain that like women, her male clientele are keen to 'keep their gardens kept' and it's purely for aesthetic reasons. She admitted that during movie awards season around September, she's usually inundated with requests. Why? It's not like people see your ball underneath your tuxedos. Anyway, Nurse Jamie says that down in the scrotum area, skin ages and is thinner than around your eyes. She also said that men are becoming more comfortable with their grooming habits. On her website, beautyparkspa.com, the procedure is sole more subtly as the "Male Laser Lift." Nurse Jamie said that she had quite a difficult time coming up with a name for the procedure. She said she kept coming up with names like "Ball Ironing", "Go Nuts" and "Laser Polish the Crown Jewels."

According to the lovely Nurse Jamie, depending on what needs to be done, the hair removal process takes about 45 minutes and it takes another 25 minutes to tighten and improve skin tone. So, you can be out of there in a little over an hour. Results last up to four weeks and she recommends around six sessions for the best results. Unbelievable! I have to admit that I've been shaving my entire body since I was 16-years-old, but this sounds so much more fun! Especially, if Nurse Jamie is 'handling' all of the procedures! With my luck, though, I'll pay for the procedure and get Doctor Jeff! Maybe, I'll just leave the 'ball ironing' to the celebrities!