DOPEY SEXY TOY THIEF

This is 23-year-old, LeAnn Frauens. After shoplifting a sex toy from an adult novelty shop in Florida, she had the balls to hang around and ask about any possible job openings at the store. Unbelievable, right?

Frauens went to the Intimate Treasures store in Crestview, Florida last month to inquire about work. She made sure to leave her name, address and a phone number with the manager. After she left, the manager noticed that an Evolved brand "Short and Sweet" vibrator had been taken from its display location, so he reviewed the store's surveillance footage showing Frauens concealing the device in the front of her pants as she moved away from the display. It was unclear whether Frauens, who was reportedly intoxicated, was really there for a job or the sex toy. Since she'd given the store manager her contact info, she was not too hard to find and police found the device, which was valued at $59.99, in her home. 

The police showed Frauen the surveillance video, where she exclaimed in disbelief, "Oh My God! Look at what I'm doing? Oh my God! I'm gonna cry!" After viewing the footage, police retrieved the stolen device, which had been used and was no longer in condition to be returned to the store. Frauens admitted to being very drunk the night of the theft and doesn't even recall swiping the item. She turned the vibrator over in a paper bag to an officer, who noted "the device appeared to have been used and not cleaned" so he did not remove it from the bag. This girl is a pig! 

Okay, if this girl has no recollection of stealing this product, where does she think it came from because she obviously used it, and from the sounds of it, she used it quite a few times. Also, how dumb can you be to give someone your real address when you've just stolen something from their store? I don't get it! I find myself saying this a lot lately, "What the hell makes people do what they do?"

JUNK IN HER TRUNK....NOT THE KIND YOU THINK

I saw this story earlier in the week and it still cracks me up, so I figured I'd share it with you. This is Chelsey Coutts from Oregon. She's not bad looking, right? No, she's not another teacher who had sex with a student. Relax! Chelsey recently had to make an embarrassing report to the police after her car was broken into. Why was it so embarrassing? I'm glad you asked. The car thieves made off with $500 worth of sex toys! That's right! I said sex toys! They could've had anything else in the car or the car itself, but they chose to steal her sex toys! I am dying over here! 

It's turns out; Chelsey had been squirreling her kinky sex toys away in the trunk of her car to hide them from her family because she'd been preparing to celebrate her friend's bachelorette party. Yup! I was going to say that! Chelsey says that she's still in shock about her haul of sex toys being robbed from right outside her home. Apparently, the thief had broken into multiple cars in the neighborhood of Sandy, Oregon this past Monday evening. Chelsey said that she began to squirm when she had to describe her stolen sex toys to the police in detail. She said, "It was horrible. The officer kind of started laughing, but he felt so bad so he asked me to describe everything in detail, and it was just horrible!" Who the hell is she kidding? That police officer didn't need a detailed description of those sex toys! He did it for his own entertainment, as would I have done with a hottie like Chelsey! 

Chelsey admitted that she'd been stockpiling the items for months to hide them from her two kids. She says, "I've been storing it in my trunk because I have two little ones and didn't want them to see all the dirty things in there. Lots of toys, blow-up items, and all kinds of goodies." Among the stolen items was a 4-foot inflatable penis, penis necklaces, vibrators, dildos and penis straws to drink from. That is gross!

The bride-to-be, Haleigh Kirby, said that she was heartbroken by the theft and that all her friend's hard work had gone to waste. She went on to say that she was confused as to what the thieves can even use these toys for. Friends who felt bad for Chelsey had already started donating money to replace the toys and she vows the party will continue. I have to say, this car thief was an absolute moron? That's unless he had a sex-crazy girlfriend. Then I can understand. Or maybe the thief was a female?  I mean, we never established that it was a guy, right? The thing that would make this story absolutely more hilarious than it already is, is if Chelsey goes and buys all new sex toys and her car gets broken into again and sex toys stolen again right before the party! Now, that would be funny!