THE WANKBAND IS COMING.....LITERALLY!

     I really struggled in holding out all weekend to tell you about this amazing new gadget that my bud Dennis Cronin told me about late Friday. Let's just say the power is in your hands now, men! I introduce to you the "Wankband"! That's right! We've all shaken a fitness tracker or two in our lives to beat the system, right? Well, my favorite adult website Pornhub is developing a device that allows men to simultaneously save the planet and charge their phones by simply masturbating. 

     According to the XXX-rated website, the gadget, which is being called "Wankband," is strapped to the naughty user's wrist and generates electricity when it's moved in an up and down motion. The site claims to have the Earth's best interest in mind. A promotional video on the website says, "It's well-known how incredibly fast we run out of our natural resources and what's worse, how much they pollute in order to create energy. At Pornhub, we realize that by offering our users millions of hours of adult content. We are part of the problem. That's why we're going to show men how they can save the planet while doing what they do best."

     The creative cuff contains a valve with a small weight inside that generates and stores the electricity. It also comes equipped with a USB port on the side of it to power up laptops, phones, cameras and tablets. The clever ad also added, "Stop jacking off and start jacking on!" All I can say is that I wasted a lot of energy that past 20-30 years! I could've used that "Wackband" back when I was in my 20s. My parents would've never have had to pay for electricity ever! 

     It seems I'm not the only one to think that way because not surprisingly, the accessory has already quickly formed quite a fan base. @studmuffwstaken of N.J. tweeted on Saturday, "If anybody thinks the #Wankband isn't anything short of genius is obviously in denial." Another Twitter follower, @minibsez tweeted, "I can finally fulfill my dreams of becoming a power company! #wankband." See? I totally agree! 

     No word yet on when the "Wankband" hits the shelves because it's still currently in development. Officials say, the device will adapt "naturally to your routine, working during your most relaxed and self-gratifying moment of the day and give users a way to love the planet by loving themselves." That is brilliant! While the device is targeted primarily towards men, it's "100 percent unisex" and works just as well for women, too! Interested users can sign up for the beta testing on the Pornhub website. Meanwhile, don't be surprised if the clip has some unintended benefits, as well. All I know is that once I get one of these bad boys, my wife is going to wonder why everything in the house is constantly fully charged. That will be our little secret!

Check out the video for this new gadget here: 

F**K A** MORON!

     I still don't understand what possesses people to do what they do sometimes. Don't people realize that social media has become the norm in our society? Do people really think that co-workers and upper management aren't using social media because they are typically older? Guess again! Upper management is even using social media to stalk their employees. Wait till you hear this story, even though, I think upper management handled this just right if you ask me. This girl is a moron!

     So, a Texas teen was fired from her job at a pizza shop before she even started because she complained about the "fuck ass" gig on Twitter, as she called it. First of all, what the hell is a "fuck ass"? The last time I heard that phrase it came out of my mother's mouth when I was a kid because she was so pissed at me, every curse word known to man came flying out of her mouth. What was this girl's excuse? I have no idea what a "fuck ass" even is. Anyway, the teenager, who was only known as Cella on Twitter, was getting ready to start her first day at Jet's Pizza in Mansfield, Texas on Saturday, when she tweeted that she was less than thrilled about it. On Friday, Cella tweeted along with seven thumbs down emojis, "Ew I start this fuck ass job tomorrow."

     The best part about her tweet was the shop boss, Robert Waple, saw her message and swiftly booted the rookie pizza maker. See what I mean? They're always watching! In this case, it was a good thing that Waple was watching because his response was priceless. Waple, who hasn't used his account since 2009, responded to Cella's tweet with "@Cella And...No you don't start that FA job today! I just fired you! Good luck with your no money, no job life!" He explained that he would have preferred to call her to give her the axe, but since he wasn't in the office, the tweet would have to do. If you ask me, the guy is a hero for firing her through a tweet!

     One of Waple's current employees snitched on Cella and showed the manager the tweets. He also tweeted that the teen was hired to work the registers, take phone orders, make subs and salads, and eat free pizza. I have to say that it sounds like Waple might have dodged a bullet by firing this Cella girl because it sounds like he would have had his hands fill with her from a manager's perspective. He then asked, "How hard would that have been?" It sounds to "fuck ass" to me! I still don't even know what that means.

     Cella didn't seem to take the news too hard: "I got fired over Twitter," she tweeted later in the day with three laughing emojis. What a moron! Other Texas teens said she dodged a bullet because the job isn't as cushy as Waple made it sound, they tweeted. One former employee tweeted, "That was literally the worst job I've ever had and at one point I was dropping pizzas in hopes of getting fired!" There was no comment from Waple regarding these tweets. All I have to say about this is that kids today are way too attached to Twitter and Facebook. I mean, why must everyone know your business? So what you have to start a "fuck ass" job today? Why do you have to post it? Keep it to yourself! It's no wonder why our unemployment rate is so high. People are just dumb! I love using social media as much as the next person, but don't let it ruin your life. This might have been just a pizza job, but can you imagine she tweeted this working for some Fortune 500 company? She would never work in America ever again and a pizza job might be all she would be able to obtain. 

THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER LEAVE TWITTER ACCOUNT UNATTENDED!!

When does this popular Philly weatherman get a break? First, I remember hearing a story back in 2010 through my friend Elliot on Elliot in the Morning in Washington DC, that his friend John Bolaris, a weather anchor for the Philadelphia FOX affiliate, was drugged while on vacation and robbed by beautiful women in Miami, Florida. I know. The story sounds very fishy! Well, he's in the headlines again! It turns out; his fiancée drunkenly took over his Twitter account while he was sleeping and unleashed a barrage of racy messages promising nude photos of herself for his fans.

The former Playboy model, Erica Smitheman, started her Twitter binge on Sunday night, writing, "Hello this is Erica...love John, he loves you all, I guess it's ok if I send you all a naked photo or two...don't tell my love." Is this girl crazy? Doesn't she know how many perverts are out there? And why didn't I see these tweets sooner? Dammit! Smitheman continued to write suggestive tweets referring to her modeling past and hinting that she'd taken over Bolaris's account behind his back. This guy can't catch a break! First his credit cards and money are stolen by beautiful women and now his fiancée is breaking into his Twitter account! Hilarious! Another tweet read: "This is Erica; I did pose in Playboy...so what? I will post my naked pictures...John has no clue." She then posted sexy pictures of herself for those who didn't believe she would do it while bragging how great the sex is with Bolaris. 

 Bolaris made headlines last May when he revealed that he'd been the victim of a scam by an Eastern European crime ring, which used beautiful women to take advantage of him at a club in Miami. Bolaris said he was drugged twice in March 2010 by two "bottle girls" who pressured him to do shots and go out with them, and then charged over $43,000 to his credit card. He claimed to have no memory as to what happened on either of those nights spent with them, but the FBI says he was one of nearly 90 victims of the same scam. Bolaris was recently called to testify against the organizers. He was fired from his job at FOX over the scandal, but ultimately won back the money he lost in the scam from his credit card company American Express, as well as damages. Since losing his job, Bolaris made occasional appearances on Howard Stern's Sirius XM radio show, where he proposed to Smitheman earlier this year and thanking her for her support through his ordeals of the past few years. 

Bolaris stood by his woman this week in the wake of the Twitter mayhem she caused, making light of the situation and defending her against those who criticized her behavior. Hey, who wants to be critical when a hot chick is threatening to post nude photos of herself? Anyway, Bolaris defended his fiancée by writing: "Obviously my fiancée had a little party on Twitter last night, she has been by my side through everything, and I love her. (Hmm interesting tweets)" To the disappointment of many of Bolaris's fans, Smitheman did not follow through on the naked photos and Bolaris said none would be forthcoming either. Having already weathered his share of public storms, Bolaris doesn't seem interested in hiding anything and left all the tweets Smitheman posted visible on his account. Let this be a lesson to you men out there with Twitter accounts! It can be dangerous to leave your smart phones unattended. Luckily in Bolaris's case Smitheman wasn't a woman scorned. She was just looking to have a little fun. Unfortunately, it was at his expense...Like he hasn't already been through enough!