THIS DRESS WILL GET THOSE LIPS FLAPPING

     Is it me or does this dress make you think of sex? Not the woman. The dress. Yes, it looks like a vagina! There hasn't been a vajayjay this popular on the Internet since Britney Spears played peekaboo with the paparazzi. 

     A viral Facebook post showed a woman wearing a dress resembling my second favorite female genitalia (The first being the boobs, of course) from Wayne by Wayne Cooper, which retails on the Australian department store Myer's website for $219 AUS.

     On October 25, Facebook user School Mum posted this photo of herself wearing the dress along with the status, "So, I bought this dress today from Myer because I really liked it...I got home and put it on for my hubby and any guesses first thing he said?? #dressfail #onceyouseeyoucantunsee." Apparently, Mum failed to realize the dress, called Sahara Beaded Neck Maxi Dress, featuring a pink repeating diamond-like pattern that would make even a porn star blush. The red flag should have been that it was called a Maxi dress. Just kidding! The best part is that the dress features a bejeweled neckline reminiscent of a vajazzled vajayjay. Hilarious! I just want to lick her dress! Did I just say that out loud? 
 
     As the image of the dress went viral, people left comments including some women who tried on or purchased the same dress. One user wrote: "I tried it on with my 15-year-old daughter in the change room. She burst out laughing 'take it off mum!'" Luckily, School Mum was able to return the garment. Because the post went so viral, people at the department store, as well as, people on the street recognized her as the 'vagina dress lady." 

     I just don't understand how you don't see this when you first try it on. The only thing missing from this dress are the pubic hairs around it. It is actually very funny and thank God someone with a sense of humor ended up buying it. 

DON'T GO AWAY MAD, JUST GO AWAY!

     We've all been through break-ups, right? But it's how bad we take those break-ups that really define us as people. Only the strong survive! And the weak? Well, they post your number on Craigslist. That's what this moron did! 

     A Texas woman is suing her ex-husband after he placed a Craigslist ad encouraging strangers to take "advantage of her." The woman, who is only being identified as Jane Doe, is seeking $1 million in damages for emotional distress after her ex-husband Bobby Wayne Moore posted her number and stalked her online. 

     Moore posted the ad in March 2014 and was charged with online harassment. In January, he was sentenced to 36 months probation and fined $300. Now, the woman is suing him in a civil court after receiving creepy messages from strangers asking if she is interested in sex with them. One lawyer said, "It's a chilling thought that someone could be so sick and vindictive." 

     According to the suit filed in Tarrant County, Moore's post included her cell phone number along with a photo of another woman. The ad said she "wanted multiple strangers to come to her 'home' and take sexual 'advantage of her.'" At the time, the woman was living in Colleyville with her two children, one of whom was Moore's preschool aged daughter. Moore also allegedly stalked his ex-wife and sent her hundreds of threatening texts and emails. The woman sued for damages including pain and suffering, mental anguish, medical bills for therapy and loss of earning capacity due to fear and emotional distress. 

      I have to admit this is some pretty scary stuff to do to someone. I remember a few years ago, I'm not sure if someone was pulling a prank on me or what, but they posted on Craigslist: "Free riding mower" in my region with my phone number attached to it. My phone rang for days asking about this free riding mower. It got to the point where I would pick up the phone and said, "There is no damn riding mower!" My experience wasn't even close because no one was asking me for sex, although, my story might have been different if they were. The point is that it's pretty scary stuff when people place your phone number on a public forum out of revenge.   

REDSKINS GAME OR FORESKINS GAME?

     Yeah, I know there are stories out there more important than this one like the FOX feed during game 1 of the World Series last night, Derek Jeter's getting married and more school violence, but this story that I saw posted on someone's Facebook page took the cake. 

     So, as you can see here in the photo, while the Redskins were being dismantled in the first half by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers last Sunday, this Redskins fan sitting high up in the loge area had the best seat in the house. He was getting oral while watching his favorite team! What can be better than that? It seems Kirk Cousins wasn't the only one fumbling balls on this Sunday. Normally, this can happen in the privacy of your own home, but this is happening at Fed Ex field and that is hilarious! My favorite thing is that the guy to his left his clueless. 

     An anonymous fan told Deadspin.com this: "The guy in the Taylor jersey and the girl were there with a group of about 6 other people. I'm pretty sure the girl wasn't his girlfriend. The were pretty much being inappropriate the whole time. With the guy in the Taylor jersey even going as far as motor boating the woman in front of everyone with her clothes on of course. Then we noticed the girl stumble to the ground and didn't get back up. All you saw was a head movement from our angle. In the picture you can see his pants lower than normal. It's stopped when someone came up to them and said 'Get a room!' Followed by a lot of laughter from them. 

     Here's the crazy part! This guy wasn't the only one getting oral in that section this past Sunday! Look at this picture! What the hell happens at Washington Redskins games? It's no wonder the team sucks so bad, but their attendance is still up! Girls are giving head in their loge section. That explains why the loge section sells out so quickly every season. Listen, I know that when fans go to games, alcohol takes effect and who knows what happens? But seriously? You couldn't get a room or leave the game and go do it in the car? Way to stay classy Redskins fans. 

UNNECESSARY BEATDOWN OVER A CELL PHONE

     I remember when I was in high school, there were no such thing as cell phones yet. When my classmates and I wanted to communicate, we would hand each other notes. If those notes were intercepted by the teacher, you were embarrassed in class or you were given detention. That was about it. Apparently, not the case these days. 

     The FBI and the U.S. Justice Department will investigate a South Carolina sheriff's deputy brutal takedown of a high school student, an assault allegedly prompted by the girl's refusal to hand over her cell phone. Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott said he requested the federal probe into the officer's use of force, which was captures in a viral video even the sheriff called "disturbing." Lott said his department will cooperate with federal investigators in conducting its own internal review. 

     Classmates revealed that the shocking assault on the Spring Valley High School student started over the girl's cell phone. A teacher caught the high school senior using her phone in math class and demanded she hand it over and get out of her chair. The teen refused to do so, even after the teacher and school administrator repeatedly asked her. That's when the deputy, Ben Fields, was brought in and tackled the teen, who has not been identified, but her defiance launched a nationwide outrage when a video of the violent beatdown went viral. One student stated, "She really hadn't done anything wrong. She said she took her phone out, but it was only for a quick second." 

     The student's video of he now-infamous takedown shows officer Fields effortlessly flipping over a desk, and the silent girl with it, before dragging her across the room like a rag doll. Once he had the student pinned to the ground, he repeatedly yelled, "Give me your hands! I'll put you in jail next!" He made good on his statement and arrested the sobbing teen for disrupting school. She was released on a $1,000 bond. It seems this girl was not the one disrupting class though. It was officer Fields. 

     Fields, an 11-year veteran on Richland County Sheriff's Office, has been a resource officer with Spring Valley High School since 2008. Unfortunately, for him, he's been named in at least two lawsuits during his time with the sheriff's office, including a case accusing him of racial bias. That case is expected to go to trial next year. I'm sure this won't help. He's been placed on administrative leave pending this investigation. 

     Okay, here's what I don't understand. If the teacher asked for the phone because they felt the student was disrupting class, why didn't the student just give it to the teacher knowing she'll get it back after class? Why did it have to get this far? On the other end, did officer field really need to use this type of force on a young black girl? Would he have used that force if she was a young white girl? My last question is was this all necessary? What do you think? 

Check out the video here: 

PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY

     I guess some people will do anything to make an extra buck, huh? A French man is being accused of pimping his wife out to over 2,700 men and then pocketing the cash. That's right! If you had sex with a hooker in France recently, you might've banged his wife. 

     The 54-year-old sadistic spouse, who remains unnamed for legal reasons, allegedly sold his wife for sex, raking in more than $176,000 over a four-year span. This douchebag ran his lucrative business out his suburban home in Meaux, a town just north of Paris.

     The pimping husband reportedly listed his 46-year-old wife on four websites and communicated with clients via text and email. When clients would visit their home up to three times a day, the debauched husband acting as a "businessman" would routinely take their 5-year-old son and wait for him in the car, while the wife performed the sex acts. 

     The prosecutor in the case said in a statement, "The husband exercised psychological power over his wife, preventing her from stopping submitting herself to the sexual needs of customers who were sometimes very tough." Prostitution is actually legal in France, but solicitation is not. 

     The wife has not been charged, but the husband is facing pimping charges and up to 10 years in prison if he's convicted. Um, I think he'll be convicted! Who does that to his wife? I know that times are tough, but I would never pimp my wife out to sleep with strange men. The other part of the story that stings is that they have a 5-year-old son. Who does that? Only in France!

THE QUEEN OF JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGE

     Okay, first of all, I'm not sure if I should be proud or insulted that I received this story on Facebook from three different people last night saying they thought of me when they saw this story...(sigh) So, thanks, Roberto, Candi and Jen for this amazing story! 

      Let's just get to it; on Monday night, police were called to a Louisiana Walmart under the suspicion that a customer was shoplifting food. According to the police report, a Walmart worker contacted security through one of their walkies about a suspicious woman in the meat aisle. Security cameras filmed a 33-year-old woman named Shaniqua Johnson (I'm not racist, but that is definitely not a white girl's name.) shoving sausages under her shirt. The footage showed the woman walking to the bathroom, where she remained for at least 30 minutes. 

     Becoming even more suspicious now, the male security guard knocked on the bathroom door several times, but the woman did not respond. He then announced that he was entering. What he found behind the door of the unlocked stall is something that he will never be able to shake from his mind and "haunt his dreams forever." He reported that when he entered the stall....wait for it......Shaniqua Johnson was inappropriately pleasing herself with a Jimmy Dean package of sausage. He also stated that she didn't even stop when he entered. She just stared at him and kept going. I am dying right now as I write this. I even just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

     Appalled and fearing for his life, the 140-pound security guard ran out of the bathroom until police arrived because Shaniqua Johnson was a "mountain of a woman." When the police did arrive, female officers entered the restroom while Johnson continued to work that Jimmy Dean sausage. It took seven officers to restrain her and pry the victimized sausage out of the woman's hands. 

     Shaniqua Johnson was arrested and taken into custody where she was charged with shoplifting, indecent exposure and resisting arrest. Walmart management said in no way do they tolerate this type of behavior. They have a strict policy against shoplifters and a sign on the bathroom door that states "No merchandise allowed beyond this point." They didn't, however, call to attention the masturbating in their store. Is that allowed? Shoplifting and bringing things into the bathroom were the only things they addressed. And what about the stamina on Shaniqua Johnson? She just did not want to stop. Jimmy Dean should make her their spokesperson because of her love for the breakfast meat alone. I'll never look at a Jimmy Dean sausage the same again.

NOBODY WORKS FOR FREE....UNLESS YOUR HANDICAPPED?

     Who the hell wants to work for free? Even if you're handicapped. A Rhode Island man with autism did exactly that. He worked tireless hours in an Applebee's kitchen for a whole year, but never got a single paycheck. Applebee's should be ashamed of themselves for taking advantage of this young man. 

     21-year-old Caleb Dyl was never paid once for his part-time job at the Middletown restaurant between August 2014 and July 2015. According to his father Bob Dyl, "He was enjoying the job, so we really weren't focused on the income so much, but after that amount of time, you kind of wonder what's going on." Caleb got the job through Resources for Human Development, a government-funded nonprofit that helps people with disabilities find work. Caleb first worked in an unpaid training program, but was supposed to start receiving checks after Applebee's hired him as a prep cook in August 2014. It sounds to me, this might not be Applebee's fault and it might be the fault of the RHD. 

     Bob Dyl said, "One young man told me they were lucky to have him, that Caleb just continues to work and work and he won't stop until the end of his shift." The Dyls set up a direct deposit for their son, but the money never showed up in the account. When they asked about the missing checks, RHD said Caleb's W-4 and other work forms had been misplaced. The family filled out a second set of forms in November, but the checks still never came despite the family's complaints to the RHD. Caleb stopped working at the restaurant in July. 

     Applebee's claims they were not aware of the situation until local media contacted them this month. Eleanor Clancy, a regional director of operations for Applebee's, said the chain restaurant has mailed Caleb a check for his year of work. She said, "We obviously feel terrible. We have to make this right." RHD, which gets funding from the state's Department of Behavioral Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities and Hospitals, should have contacted the state about the issue. The non-profit had failed to do so. Now, Applebee's is paying Caleb for the 166 hours of work documented by the RHD. The Dyls estimated their son, who did not clock in or out of work and only kept hours through his work coach, worked about 350 hours.

     It sounds to me that someone at the RHD needs a beat down for doing this to the poor kid. I commend Applebee's  for doing the right thing and paying this kid some money. I don't understand that if you work in a government-funded office, how this can slip through the cracks unless someone was stealing the money that Caleb was supposed to be paid. Then again, there are some real crooks out there.

PRICASSO?

     I've heard of artists using different media to create their artwork, but have you ever heard of artists using their anatomy as tools to create their artwork? And I don't mean people putting paint on their naked bodies and rolling around on a canvas. I mean there is an artist from the U.K. who uses his penis to paint actual portraits. Funny enough, they call him Pricasso! 

     It looks like Pricasso, whose real name is Tim Patch, will be returning home in all his glory. The penis painter has never exhibited his talent in his native U.K. until now. Patch will appear at London's Sexpo November 13 - 15 and says he's thrilled to visit friends and relatives. Is this guy for real? Painting with his penis? As I'm writing this, my head keeps shaking in disbelief that I'm actually writing about this.

     Patch said, "I am pretty sure I am the first person to be naked in the Olympia venue in London as they have a no-nudity policy, but I have to thank Sexpo for getting a special art concession license from the powers that be." Organizers say that they hope his portraits will be "well-hung." Um, what? Sexp managing director Lee Schofield told the Mirror Magazine, "There are no other artists in the world like Pricasso and even I'm suffering from a very serious case of penis envy right now." Again, I say, "Um, what?"

     Patch, who is an art school reject from London during the 1960s but relocated to Australia, discovered his "special talent" of painting with his penis and his testicles many years ago. He said, "The idea popped into my head after seeing Puppetry of the Penis. I did try it but found it really hard in every sense of the word! It took a couple of years to get good enough to perform in public." His talent caught the attention of his eventual benefactor, Sexpo Australia, where he featured his work and the making of it, leading most to call it performance art. He sometimes has to masturbate to get the best out of his paint brush and keep it stiff. 

     How does he do it? Patch says, "First, I grab my penis and testicles and plunge the whole lot into a pot of paint. The combination of balls and dick holds a lot of paint, so then I just scrub them them all over the canvas, which I hold in one hand until the canvas is sufficiently covered." I don't even want to tell you how he signs his name to the artwork because it's too painful. I will say, however, I am not opposed to him doing a portrait of me and my wife for our living room. His portraits are actually pretty good! I can only do color by number with my penis at home. If you want to see how he does it, take a look: 

DO YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO EAT SOME BALLS?

     Some delicacies are tolerable, but I draw the line when it comes to the male anatomy. I'm not taking about the frank. I'm talking about the beans! Guys, trust me, you may not want to read this and I urge everyone to "read this blog!"

     So, a restaurant in Syracuse, NY offers all-you-can-eat testicles in their restaurant. That's right! Not just any testicles either! FREE testicles! Testicles that are lightly breaded, deep-fried from buffalo, bulls, boars, sheep, goats and human....okay, I'm kidding about the human. The fried testes come with a side of ranch dressing. I'll give you a minute to take that in and maybe throw up. 

     Manager and server Valerie Brefka told The Huffington Post, "Some people do it to try them. Some people actually love the taste of them." How can anyone love the taste of them? Just the thought of what is stored in them is enough to make any "straight" man sick to his stomach. For woman and "gay" men, this must be a real treat! They must be juicy with the right amount of saltiness to them. 

     Riley's has hosted the Testicle Festival, which is spelled Testical on the T-shirts) for decades, according to Brefka. She continued that the festival is so popular this year that the restaurant just had to order 40 more pounds of testicles. The festival favorites are bull and bison balls. The raw version of the balls are pictured. Owner Terry Riley told Syracuse.com, "It's now in full swing!" As for the free balls, Riley said, "If you can't have fun with balls, then, well, I guess you can't have fun. So we don't ask people to pay for them." 

     You might not want to eat "deez nuts" alone though. It might be a good idea to accompany them with some liquid courage. Syracuse.com describes them as "Cooked, they look like a chicken nugget, but with a softer consistency, maybe like a friend scallop. The taste is a little meaty, with the breading providing a good deal of the flavor." I think I just threw up in my mouth!

     If you're interested in trying some balls, you better get up to Riley's in Syracuse within the next 11 days because the balls drop....from the menu at the end of October. So, don't get teste with the restaurant if they're not there anymore! You've been warned. It's still disgusting! I'll never look at chicken nuggets the same again!    

     

THE MONEY SHOT ON TARGET!

     It was like a scene out of Porky's! Did I just age myself? Anyway, shoppers at a Target in Campbell, CA, got an early morning earful of what sounded like a porn video playing over the loudspeaker. Unreal! 

     Shopper Gina Young, who posted the video of the event on Facebook, was in the store with her two young sons at 10:30 am when she heard the sounds over the loudspeaker. Accompanying her video was her comment: "This just happened today at Target in Campbell, CA. Porn blasting over the intercom throughout the store. People offered to help me cover my twins ears. Others threw their stuff down and walked out. Employees were running around everywhere picking and hanging up phones, which worked for about two minutes before it started up again. People were screaming at employees, videotaping, some laughing, some disgusted. It was terribly awkward." 

     For those of you who didn't understand my Porky's reference; there was a scene in the movie where there was a teacher that the students called Lassie, who would get horned up and orgasm over the smell of gym socks. In the scene, one of the other teachers brought her into the gym socks room to test the theory during a gym class with students in it, and she went off. Moaning over the smell of the socks while he had his way with her. The moans were so loud, they echoed throughout the gym making it an uncomfortable situation by all, but still one of the funniest moments in the movie. That's what this Target moment reminded me of.

     Young said the chaos ensured as store managers scrambled to find the source of the illicit recordings. Judging by her son's reaction in the video, they weren't too thrilled about the XXX exposure either. A media relations spokesperson for Target said they are currently investigating the incident: "We are actively reviewing the situation with the team to better understand what happened and to help ensure this doesn't happen again. Because this is an active investigation, I'm unable to share additional details, but we want our guests to know that we take this very seriously."

     I can totally understand Gina's disgust with this as a parent, but if I was at Target alone, I'm sad to admit that I might have been one of the people laughing hysterically about the situation. I might be in my 40s, but I have the mentality of an 18-year-old. Take a look at Gina Young's video below: 

THE MAGIC MUSHROOM....FOR WOMEN?

     Are you ready for the roller coaster ride of emotions in today's blog? I have bad news, then I have good news and then I will have bad news again. First, the bad news.....So, Playboy mogul, Hugh Hefner has decided to add more articles...of clothing to his centerfold models moving forward. That's right! The magazine that got many of us through our manhood is putting clothing on their models and putting an end to their era of nudity. According to Hefner, you can see so much nudity and porn for free on the Internet. There's no longer a need to see the nudity in a magazine. Wrong! There's nothing like making those pages stick together! Hugh Hefner is so old, he just doesn't care anymore. Playboy Magazine has, unfortunately, signed it's death certificate.

     Now, for the good news.....Why do I have a picture of mushrooms in today's blog? Well, scientists have discovered a special species of tropical mushrooms in Hawaiian lava that can make women orgasm just through it's odor. That's right, my brothers (and sisters?)! All your girl needs is a whiff of this mushroom and she is taken to her happy place. You don't have to do a thing. Half your work is done!  The bright orange-colored mushroom can be found in recent lava flows dating from 600 to 10,000 years old. The orgasm triggered by the fungus, or "fungasm," comes from hormones in the mushroom that are close in similarity to the same ones picked up by our own neurotransmitters. Basically, the smell of this shroom makes the female body think it's having sex. Unfortunately, it's thinking of the wrong mushroom and not the ones on our bodies. 

      The peculiar female aphrodisiac has been put to a smelling test conducted on volunteers. According to researchers John C. Holliday and Noah Soule found that about half of the female participants experienced instantaneous orgasms when smelling the fungus. The findings indicate that the chemical compounds of the mushroom, an unnamed Dictyophora species, mimic the types of human neurotransmitters that are released during sexual encounters. Is anyone else finding it funny that they fit the word "dick" into this somehow? Dick-typhora?

     And here comes the other bad news, fellas!.....The mushroom helps your lady friends, but is of no use to us. Unfortunately, it smells like week-old horse shit to men. The research showed that all male test subjects were repulsed by the fetid smell. Hey, look at the bright side, because there is always a bright side; if you're skills in bed a pretty weak and you can use a little help, you can go pick some of these mushrooms in Hawaii and hide a bunch under your bed. I shouldn't look weird at all that your wearing a clothes pin on your nose during sex!

THE GREAT EJACULATOR

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PORN UNIVERITY IS 'HARD' TO GET INTO

     Were you ever told that you had a future in porn, but you didn't know how to get into the business? Yeah, me neither! But for those of you who have had dreams of becoming an adult film star, Rocco Siffredi will teach you!

     Italian porn actor and director, Siffredi is starting an academy to teach aspiring adult film actors and actresses the tricks of the trade and appropriately naming his training sessions "Porn Univeristy." Siffredi, also known as the "Italian Stallion," will document his training in the reality show, Universita del Porno, to air in Italy only. Why does Europe always get the best TV shows? 

     Classes will be in session on the set of "Siffredi Hard Academy," in which the porn vet will instruct a group of 21 hopefuls on different techniques and tactics on how to be a believable porn actor on screen. This show sounds right up my alley! I've been known to fake a good orgasm! Yeah, right! Can us men really fake it? The real thing feels too good! Why fake it?

     Siffredi, who has acted in over 1,300 adult movies will conduct his classes during a two-week training session for the amateurs. These students were selected from thousands of applicants who tried to earn a seat in Siffredi's so-called school. During the crash course, they will learn how to be comfortable in front of the camera and learn different strategies to improve their on-screen performances. Siffredi told the Italian media that his training sessions will be unscripted and will strive to make the learning process as organic (or orgasmic) and authentic as possible.

     I thought getting into the porn business only meant that you were willing to have sex on camera. If you know how yo have sex, what the hell do you need a porn university for? To me, this just sounds like another way to make people who aren't celebrities, more undeserved celebrity status like the Jersey Shore crew. Where are they now? This show just happens to add sex to it. I'll have to watch an episode to be sure. Oh, yeah, that's right! It's on in Italy only! Oh, well! Time to make a visit to Italy!

THE MAN WITH NO PENIS

     So, there were a few stories that tickled my fancy today. One was too sad, but scary to write about and that was the American Airlines pilot who died in mid-flight from Phoenix to Boston. His co-pilot made an emergency safe landing in Syracuse, NY. For those who fly frequently, that's pretty scary stuff, but for those who care about death, this was a sad story. The other story I was going to write about was about the black Halloween promotional Whoppers at Burger King apparently turning your poop green for days because of some food dye that they use to make the buns. I only needed to tell you that in a statement. So, no need to waste a blog on green poop. My bro, Scotty O, did send me the winner for today's blog late yesterday, however, and it's about a man with no penis, who slept with over 100 women, but they are growing him a penis.....Um, what? 

     Many of you who read this blog, I'm guessing don't watch the TLC channel much because otherwise, this story would be old news to you. Anyway, a man born without a penis could soon be receiving one thanks to his own limb. Andrew Wardle, a 40-year-old man from Manchester, England, suffers from a condition called bladder exstrophy, which caused his bladder to develop outside his body, near his groin. Wardle's bladder was successfully reinserted when he was a baby, but he spent his whole life without his manhood. So, how did he pee? No idea!

     Doctors are, however giving Wardle new hope. He told People Magazine, "They told me they could build a penis out of my arm." Um, what? The four-part surgery would graft existing nerves and tissue from his arm, but not timetable was set for the operation. He said, "I'm taking it one step at a time and not expecting anything." I have to be honest, not that I like looking at penis, but I'm kind of curious as to what the end result will look like. Is that too gay?

     This is the disturbing part; a new TLC documentary, "The Man With No Penis" aired last night and it documented Wardle's life, including how he kept his missing member a secret from his friends, family and lovers. He even managed to fool long-time girlfriend Fedra Fabian for more than a year. How? Did they not have sex? WRONG! Wardle became an Internet sensation earlier this year when he declared that, despite lacking a schmeckle, he still boinked more than 100 women. I want to know how? Strap-on? Everyone knows that for a man and woman to have sex, there has to be a penis and a vagina. No penis and a vagina doesn't necessarily work. And why is he allowing this whole ordeal to become a documentary? I find that really disturbing! There are so many unanswered questions around this story that I almost would have to think it was fake. Growing up without a penis? How did you pee? You had sex with over 100 women? How? If you had no penis. I'm calling bullshit on this whole story and shame on you TLC for exploiting this liar!

     

FIRED FOR FARTING TOO MUCH

     How can anyone fart too much? And can you be fired from your job for farting too much? Apparently, you can! A Pennsylvania man has found himself in a stinky situation. His wife filed a lawsuit last month against their former employer who allegedly fired him for farting too much. Is that even possible?

     70-year-old Richard Clem and his wife, Louann, both worked at Case Pork Roll Company of Trenton, New Jersey. He was fired in February, 2014, for his supposed flatulence. So, wait! A company that makes taylor ham, or pork roll to the southern folk, fired a man for farting? Doesn't their product create farting? Louann claims in a court filing that her husband's termination was a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Richard Clem supports the lawsuit and is taking legal action on his own through the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. 

     Clem said, "When the suit was filed, I didn't know it would go viral. I was very surprised." Clem started working for Case Pork Roll back in 2004 as a controller and believes he did a pretty good job. He proudly said, "I brought them into the 21st century." When he was hired, he weighed about 420 pounds, but underwent gastric bypass surgery in October 2010, to get rid of his own pork belly. Clem lost almost 120 pounds before gaining back about 10. With the weight loss came some embarrassing side effects, including "extreme gas and uncontrollable diarrhea." Back in 2013, Clem's symptoms worsened, which caused "significant disruption in the workplace." 

     Louann, who began working at Case Pork Roll in 2008, said company president Thomas Dolan repeatedly griped about her husband's gas problems. The suit alleges Dolan made Richard work at home and said things like, "We cannot run an office and have visitors with that odor in this office," and "Tell Rich we are having complaints from people who have problems with odors." 

     Richard Clem was fired from Case Pork Roll on February 28, 2014 and his wife Louann quit the same day "because of the harassment and discrimination her husband faced as a result of his disability and the resulting symptoms." The Clems' lawyer said that his clients gastrointestinal disorders may be getting the headlines, but aren't the key part of the case. He said, "Flatulence and farting is the sexy part of the story, but my client suffers from obesity, which is covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act." Louann Clem is seeking damages from Case Pork Roll that include pain and suffering, compensatory damages and punitive damages. Richard Clem is also asking the company employees to go through training programs that will prevent future incidents from occurring. He says, "I'm speaking up for people who are overweight. Does being obese mean you can't do a good job? Of course not!"

     I have to say that I am not obese and I am lucky that you can't get fired for farting too much in the office. I remember when I used to work in radio, I used to fart so much that I would stink my office mate out of the office. One time he got back at me because when I was listening to a syndicated show for any blips or curse words, I had to wear headphones, but I would still let them rip. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder and it was one of the girls who worked for Glenn Beck. Oops! She tapped me on the shoulder and waved. I was so embarrassed, but it didn't stop me. I just kept on letting them rip at work. Luckily, he never complained about it and was a good sport. This pork roll and farting case, though, is on a whole new playing field.  

OOPS! WRONG PERSON

     Have you ever sent a text message to the wrong person and was really embarrassed about it? I remember that I had an ex-coworker, who was trying to send scantily clad photos of herself to her husband, but accidentally sent it to another coworker with the same first name...Oops!

     What if the errant text message led to love? That's what happened for 53-year-old Kasey Bergh and 23-year-old Henry Glendening from St. Louis. Yes, there's a 30-year age gap between them, but you can't help who you fall in love with, right? The St. Louis couple found love when a text message was sent to the wrong number sparking their relationship back in 2012. The cougar, Bergh, mistakenly texted Glendening while she was stuck in Denver with work. When the the then 23-year-old courteously replied, their love story began. 

     The first message Bergh sent read: "Hey, it's Kasey. I was supposed to connect w Maria @ the park but her plane was delayed so I'm at the Westin. Wanted to see if I could connect with anyone else." Glendening replied with "Sorry, you've got the wrong number. But if I wasn't headed to work i'd b down to hang ;)." The couple spent the next few days recommending books, movies and music to each other as their friendship blossomed. When Bergh nervously admitted her age to Glendening, he didn't even flinch because to him it didn't matter. He said, "It really didn't make any difference. We were so connected at that point through deeper stuff." 

     Only a week after their first text message exchange, the two met for coffee before going for drinks and ultimately going back to her place and banging each other's brains out. Okay, that last part I made up. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention. They ultimately ended up falling in love. Glendening said, "From the very, very beginning it felt like we were on the same wavelength."

     Bergh had been divorced for six years and was convinced she'd never find love again. She said, "I had totally embraced I was single and that I never needed a guy. Then I met Henry." Withing two months, Glendening moved out of his parents' house and into Bergh's apartment. She also helped him kickstart his career at digital agency. In June 2014, he proposed to her in the restaurant where they had gone the first night they met. Bergh and Glendening got married three months ago, in front of the flood wall of the Mississippi River. 

     There's nothing like a feelgood story to end the week with. The couple did say they often get mistaken as mother and son, but they shrug it off. Glendening says, "You can't blame them. It's not a relationship you see very often. One that defies the age stereotype." Let this be a lesson to those of you who send the wrong text message to someone. You might find love on the other end. 

WEDDING NO-SHOW GETS BILLED

     Being a newlywed of ten months, I couldn't believe this actually happened! This is Jessica Baker of Golden Valley, Minnesota. She was recently invited to a relative's wedding, RSVP'd she was coming, her babysitter cancelled, so she couldn't go to the wedding and she received a bill from the bride and groom to cover her plates. Yes, that really happened! 

     Baker said she was completely floored when a few weeks after missing her relative's wedding a bill arrived in her mailbox for $75.90. The bill read: "This cost reflects the amount paid by the bride and groom for meals that were RSVP'd for, reimbursement and explanation for no show, card or text would be appreciated." Baker recalled her reaction in an interview with "You've got to be kidding me!" Sounds to me like Baker's relatives are a bunch of assholes with a lot of nerve. Yeah, when you have a no-show who RSVP'd, it sucks! You paid for their plate and it went nowhere. I get it, but sometimes you just have to suck it up, unfortunately. And really? $79.50 for two dinner plates? She's lucky she didn't "no-show" at our wedding then. She would have gotten a bill four times that. Where the hell was this wedding that the couple paid $30 a plate? Maybe we should have gotten married in Minnesota.

     Baker said she fully intended to attend the wedding but her mother, who was serving as her babysitter during the event cancelled at the last minute, cancelled at the last minute. Because the wedding invitation specifically stated children could not attend, Baker said they had no other choice but to stay home. Again, for our wedding, we didn't invite children either except for my nieces and nephews, but we also didn't charge the no-shows for their dinner plate. Baker said she has no plans on paying the bill, which she said she's since thrown away, but she wonders what her correct response should have been. Mine would have been "Go 'F' Yourself!" They are supposed to be a relative? This is how you treat your relatives? You charge them for a $30 plate? Those are assholes and have no place in my life. Oh, did I just make this personal? 

      What wasn't clear in the interview was if Baker attempted to notify the bride and groom about her last minute cancellation, as implied in the letter attached to the bill. One wedding expert advised that guests should notify the couple as soon as possible. I guess, I can see that perspective too. Our "no-shows," at least, notified us and let us know they couldn't come last minute. Luckily, we were able to make other plans. If Baker never notified them and just didn't show, that is kind of wrong on her part, but she still should not have been charged for two $30 plates. What a bunch of cheapskates! Do you think the bride and groom's billing was justified?