WHEN THE MOOD STRIKES

     I wanted to end this week with some hilarity since laughter is the best medicine and today is friggin' Friday! You have to love when stupid people get arrested. I know I do, because they make for great blogs! Anyway, this Ohio couple seemed to be "stupid" enough to be "in the mood" to be arrested. 

     They were found naked and drunk in their car and arrested on Sunday morning, but the boyfriend swore he had a valid excuse for the nude excursion. Glenn Mcie told North Royalton police, "When the mood hits, you have to find a place to park," just after cops found him knocked out naked from the waist down on top of his completely nude girlfriend. 

     Officers spotted the couple passed out inside a Jeep parked in a handicapped space at about 2:15 a.m. Mcie's lady friend, Shannon Mulcahy, responded to police orders to get dressed by yelling, "f**k you guys" out the window. Officers said Mcie reeked of alcohol and was stumbling in both his steps and sentences. He was arrested for drunk driving, and had to be forced into the police car, where he started banging his head on the car window. 

     Mulcahy finally got dressed, then began yelling and cursing at the officers again. According to records, "Most of what she said was not understandable or made no sense since she was so intoxicated." She also refused to hand over her ID or tell police her name, which led to her arrest. 

     Like her boyfriend, Mulcahy also banged her head against the window while she was sitting in the police car. What is wrong with these people? Police found an open mason jar of moonshine in the back seat of the car, and also determined the couple had just left a nearby bar. Mcie's breathalyzer test showed he had a .11 blood alcohol content level. He appeared in court on Thursday, while his girlfriend is scheduled for May 12. 

     It's Friday, so be careful where you drink and bang, people! You never know when "the mood will strike!" 

BEWARE OF THE BLACK WIDOW

     Alright, guys! Be ready to cringe and grab your crotches when you read this story. This one is no fun for anyone, man or woman. In fact, why am I still writing about this? 

     Anyway, do you remember they say, "Beware of the Black Widow?" Well, apparently in Sydney, Australia, you really need to beware of the Black Widow because of what happened to a 21-year-old construction worker who just went to pee in one of those port-a-johns. Apparently, he was bitten on the penis last Wednesday by a poisonous redback spider, a.k.a. the Black Widow. 

     According to one story in the Adelaide Advertiser, paramedics rushed to the scene, but the victim was able to get to the hospital on his own despite the bite on his package. Am I the only guy who would leave the venom in me if it made my package swell up to three times it's normal size? Can I get a "Hell Yeah"? Guess not. 

     The victim has since been released and is in stable condition. Now, he can only hope he has plenty of ice packs and is receiving comforting "sorry about your penis" cards from loved ones. 

     The female Black Widow has red markings and is toxic. It often lives in urban areas and results in 250 cases a year in Australia that require anti-venom, which was developed in the early 1950s. The venom can cause severe pain, nausea, excessive sweating and even convulsions. It's pretty poetic how the female redbacks are the poisonous ones.

     Earlier this month a 22-year-old man was believed to have died from complications from a redback bite, but before that no one was thought to have succumbed to the Black Widow. To be honest, I thought this only happened in movies. Who knew? I guess we all need to "Beware of the Black Widow!"

DON'T TELL HIM HE CAN'T HAVE SEX IN THE POOL!

     Sorry, it's a slow news day today and besides looking like an Eminem wannabe, this story made me chuckle a little bit because this guy might have gone off the deep end! Get it?.....You will. 

     So, this is 28-year-old Marshall Mathers....I mean, Austin David Misiak from Fort Walton Beach, you guessed it!.....Florida. He was arrested on Saturday after police caught him having sex in a community pool. No word on whether it was with himself or with a partner, but for the sake of the story, let's just say he was having it with a partner. I'm sure his partner was just as hideous. 

     Anyway, Misiak was getting busy in the water with his "partner" at the Heather Glenn Apartments when onlookers asked him to stop, as they pointed out there were children in the area playing. The scene turned ugly when Misiak became enraged by the people bothering his sexual encounter as he leaped out of the pool, chasing after the kids with his wang out and shouting at the adults telling him to stop. Misiak, said to be drunk in the arrest report, yelled at one guy for no apparent reason. The man walked away out of fear he was going to be struck, which I'm sure was the reaction Misiak was hoping for. Sure, a 6'1', 220-pound bad ass with tattoos drunk and enraged could be pretty intimidating and I'm sure he used it to his advantage, but what happened next is priceless. 

    His attention turned to a 15-year-old girl, who told him to stop, but as he drew closer, her boyfriend jumped in the way. Misiak swung at the boy and missed, but the boyfriend landed to shots on Misiak knocking him out! How embarrassing can that be? Being a big bully and then getting knocked out by a 15-year-old! I wish there was video footage of this. Anyway, when police arrived, the boozy brawler claimed that "nothing happened." A little embarrassed maybe? Misiak now faces charges of assault and lewd and lascivious behavior......Only in Florida!

THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT!

     Have you ever sat there in an important meeting, started to sweat a little bit and suddenly, you get a whiff of body odor? But you're not sure where it's coming from. It could be you....Or it could be the guy next to you. How can you detect where the B.O. is coming from? Well, there's an app for that now!

     In a world where people use smartphones to order dinner, catch a cab and find a hot date, Nivea, the German-based body products company, has just announced a new product called "NOSE," a mobile phone cover that works as an electric nose when paired with a downloadable app.

     A person curious about their level of body odor activates the app and put the smartphone near his armpit. The electronic nose then picks up the smell and evaluates it based on an algorithm created after analyzing the scents of 4,000 other men. The app sniffs out the level of stench and sends the user a notification telling them how much they stink. 

     The people behind the "smellphone" decided to focus on it olfactory awareness solely on male B.O. because of a recent study published in the journal PLOS ONE suggesting that "the part of the brain that perceives odors is 40 percent smaller in men than women." The new "smellphone" technology is still in its beta testing phase, but the company stated, "We're introducing the app next month, but it won't work until the phone cover is available. Its up to Nivea on whether they want to sell those covers separately or as part of a package of body care products." 

     The project creators admit that people might not buy a smartphone cover just to detect male body odor, but wants people to take a whiff of the future. The best part about this creation is that it was made in Europe. Based on the Europeans who visit us here in the states, I would think they need this app more in Europe than the U.S. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that they even have deodorant in Europe. My wife and I have a joke when we smell bad body odor coming from someone. We joke that it's "okay, they must be European!" It's so wrong on so many levels, but prove me wrong. And notice the app was created in Europe and not in the U.S. Case closed!

Learn more about the "NOSE" right here: 

DON'T CHEAT ON THIS BED....

     I definitely don't condone cheating on your better half, but if you are, don't do it on this new mattress! A new high-tech mattress detects the hanky-panky and informs the owner by way of a mobile app. What will they think of next? 

     Reacting to a report that Spain has a high rate of infidelity, a Spanish mattress firm didn't take the news lying on their backs, so to speak. Durmet developed the Smarttress and its "Lover Detection System." Twenty-four ultrasonic sensors measure any "suspicious movement" in the bed, transmitting date of the tryst, including a 3D mattress model to show where most of the exertion is taking place. 

     The company's promotional video also produced one hell of a tagline: "If your partner isn't faithful, at least your mattress is." A company rep says the product is indeed real and has already received several inquiries and that the $1,750 mattress is still in the production process. 

     Some YouTube viewers weren't impressed with the new mattress saying, "You don't need a bed to cheat. As long as you're having over-the-top trust issues, why not rig a hidden video camera instead." Another viewer took the affair-detection to another level recommending to "add a remote controlled taser" to the mattress. I mean, technically, they're right! What's a mattress going to prove that a hidden camera can't? What if you were lonely one night and wanted to have self-love? Then your other half sees suspicious movement on the bed and now thinks you're cheating, when you're really just loving yourself. I'm not just talking about men. You, women, self-love just as much as we do, so don't act all innocent. Anyway, this mattress is a no-go in the Louie household because it can cause many more problems for no reason at all. 

Check out the ad below: 

MILE HIGH MOLESTER

     So, do people actually sleep comfortably when they're flying? I mean, I guess there's drugs and alcohol for that, right? The only time I actually slept comfortably on the plane was on a 20-hour trip back from Shanghai....oh, and Argentina. Okay, so that was twice, but I have to say, if my wife decided to molest me while I was sleeping, I might have woken up. Now, I've never taken Xanax to sleep on a plane, so I'm not sure if it puts you in a coma, but if someone touches your privates, are you that knocked out? 

     That being said, a 25-year-old New Jersey woman says she was molested while she slept next by a male passenger sitting next to her on an Emirates jetliner. The woman testified on Monday that she heard somebody whisper in her ear, "I love you, you're pretty," then awoke to find her body and private parts covered with hand lotion. Um, what? 

     The victim, who is known to the jury only by her first name, Stephanie, recounted the mortifying incident on her flight from Dubai to Kennedy Airport this past October, including having to identify the bottle of Nivea lotion under her dress, and the thong underwear she had been wearing. 

     Nadeem Menhood Quraishi of Staten Island is being charged with sexual abuse and could face deportation to his native Pakistan if he's convicted. Quraishi, who sat in the seat on her right, asked Stephanie if she had "slept well" when she opened her eyes. This guy is a psycho! She said in court, "My entire body felt sticky. I could smell the lotion. I was shocked. My heart dropped to my stomach." The woman immediate fled to the bathroom where she noticed her thing had been pushed to the side. Her shoulders, breasts, arms, inner thighs, calves and private parts were slathered with the lotion. Wait a minute! How did this guy get lotion on her shoulders and breasts? Man, he should be a ninja! How could she not feel any of this, but was woken up by him whispering, "I love you"? It makes no sense. 

     Defense lawyer Mark Macron questioned the woman closely about the Xanax pill she had taken on the 14-hour flight, and how it was possible that Quraishi could have rubbed her body with lotion while she was wearing a belted dress, covered by a blanket, and her seat belt strapped. I would like to know the same thing. Is it possible she dreamed this whole ordeal up and maybe lotioned herself up? If he molested her, wouldn't her no-no area feel a little sore? 

     Well, Emirates flight attendant Gunjon Mangia took the stand next and said Quraishi matter-of-factly admitted applying the lotion. She said, "When I asked him why he did such a thing, he said, 'Well, I thought she needed it and she didn't offer any resistance, so I thought she enjoyed it.'" Um, yeah.....I'm at a loss for words on this one. I know you might be looking for something quirky from me on this one, but I have nothing. 

     This is why I hate when my wife flies alone. My only saving grace is that she doesn't sleep on planes unless I'm there to grope her. She basically reads the whole time when she's flying. Not to mention, she's a trained martial artist, so I feel sorry for anyone who tries to grope my wife while she is sleeping on a plane. Me, on the other hand, I always pray that I get molested while I'm sleeping on a plane. I would just pretend to keep sleeping until they got their jollies because either way, I'll be getting mine!    

SOUTH JERSEY DRIVING STRIKES AGAIN!

     So, normally, I write about silly stories that happen around the world, but today, I am so furious about the drivers here in South Jersey, that I feel the need to blow off steam in writing. Personally, I really wanted to blow my steam off of another driver's face, but that would have only created legal problems for me and hospital bills for him, therefore, I am taking the high road and complaining about it on here. So, lucky you!

     Since my wife and I moved down here, I always said the driver's in this part of Jersey are total assholes. Now, I know the driving in North Jersey isn't great either, as we are more aggressive up north and much more disrespectful, but down here, they are just dumb! I mean, how stupid can you be to drive 45 MPH in the fast lane of a 66 MPH two-lane highway, which is technically the passing lane? Hey, asshole! If you're going to drive that slow, stay in the right lane (the slow lane) so people can pass you! 

     Also, down here, why put the "no texting while driving" laws into place? No one listens to them. When I'm stuck behind a driver, who is driving super slow and swerving, I would think they were drunk. Nope! When I finally get to pass them, they are nose deep in their phones. HOW IS THIS OKAY? 

     Down here, there is no regard for any other drivers. When people drive down here, they're the only ones on the road. It's like they have tunnel vision, which brings me to today! I was driving to work on Route 73 in the middle lane of a 3-lane section. This SUV started merging into my lane, with no blinker, as if I wasn't there. When I became aware of what he was doing, I signaled right and got into the next lane. This idiot kept on coming and totally cuts in front of me! Asshole! So, just like any North Jersey/New York driver would do, I laid on my horn as I followed him for a 1/4 of a mile. Would you believe that I saw this driver throw his hands up in the air as if to say, "What are you honking at?" I felt my blood start to boil. My wife told me I should have taken a photo of his license plate and posted it on Facebook, but as I grabbed my phone, the asshole turned off and was gone. My next reaction was to follow him and continue honking to put the fear of God into him, but would it be worth all the trouble? 

     Then, only yesterday, I was merging onto Route 295 to go to class, and I was ahead of this silver Camry in the slow lane, and all of a sudden, he speeds up so I couldn't merge in. So, I sped up and cut him off. Who the hell does that though? It's called courtesy. I was ahead of you, so let me in! Don't speed up! I mean, I get that you had the right of way, but I was two car lengths ahead of this car. The driving mentality down here is ridiculous!

     Where do these people come from? Why do they give just anyone a license? Meanwhile, I abide by the driving laws after taking many driver's safety classes for insurance purposes, I mean I speed every now an then, but I'm the one who gets pulled over for speeding while my cruise control was on and set at 55 MPH. I guess that's irony for you. The shitty driver's cause accidents, while the good drivers pay heavy fines. I know I just pinned South Jersey for this, but I'm sure there are bad drivers in every state. This particular one just happened to piss me off. 

DOES SIZE MATTER, LADIES? NO, NOT THAT SIZE......

     Aah! The age old question of "Does size matter?" We're talking about diamond sizes here, so get your mind out of the gutters! Yes, I pluralized gutters because every one of you thought penis right away! 

     Anyway, 27-year-old Rachel Pedersen had to take to Facebook recently to proudly defend her 1/4-carat diamond engagement ring, which friends and family suggests needs an "upgrade." Here's what I don't get; why can't friends and family just mind their own freaking businesses? If she is happy with her small diamond because it means something to her, why is that any concern of theirs? I'm a family-oriented man (and I'm also a family-oriental man...Ha Ha!), but when it comes to family sticking their nose where it doesn't belong, that's where I draw the line. 
   
     Pedersen wrote in her post, "I've even had one person say 'you could wear a bigger ring for important events, so people don't think you're not successful.'" Okay, not for nothing, but the person who told her that is a little pretentious and needs to get over themselves. It was probably her mother....Oops! Pedersen responded, "Wait a minute.....since when did the size of someone's ring become an indication of success!?" 

     Rachel Pedersen and her fiancee Poul Pedersen eloped just 13 days after meeting at a Minnesota Perkin's Diner. They have two children together, Dakota, 5, and Delilah, 1. Rachel was a single mother to Dakota before meeting Poul in 2013. She works as a digital marketing consultant, while Poul is a Service Advisor at Mini Cooper. Pedersen also wrote on Facebook, "My ring symbolizes a whirlwind, storybook, 'make you sick' love story...It reminds me of how my husband and I met and fell in love in one night at a Perkin's diner." 

     Even though the mother of two had dreamed of Tiffany's 2-carat, round-cut solitaire, she soon realized that her discovery of true love was much more valuable than a big rock. She said, "Diamond size doesn't usually equal the amount of love between two people." Her post received more than 46,000 shares and over 15,000 comments. Some social media users even noted that her rock wasn't even that small. Other commenters stood by Rachel's words and said the relationship and having a great partner is much more important than the ring. One user wrote, "Your ring is bigger than most because it has a real love behind it." 

     I hate it when family becomes so judgmental. When I bought my wife's ring, I also worried, "Is this too small? Is she going to think it's big enough?" It turns out, she loved the ring, it was the perfect size and she still gets compliments on it. Yes, I'm talking about the ring! I agree with that last quote wholeheartedly! When real love is behind that ring, it really doesn't matter how big it is.....Again, the ring is what I'm talking about. 

DEAD RINGER

     Nobody likes going to funerals, right? They're sad, you feel horrible for the family, and the worst part is seeing the shell of a loved one laying in a casket. Well, one woman in Odessa, Texas, took going to a funeral to a whole new level last week when she was caught on camera stealing a ring from a corpse that was laid out at a Texas funeral home. 

     Surveillance footage showed the unidentified suspect appearing to twist the finger of 88-year-old Lois Hicks, who was lying inside an open casket at the Sunset Memorial Gardens and Funeral Home in Odessa on Friday afternoon. The suspect allegedly tore off part of Hicks' skin during the theft. She then fled the scene in her car. 

     Hicks' grieving daughter, Vel McKee, said, "I can't believe someone would be that low." McKee left her mother's side for just 15 minutes when the theft occurred. She continued, "It makes me sick to my stomach. Horrible. I hope they catch her." The worst part is that the thief was reportedly not someone known to the Hicks' family. 

     The Odessa Police Department posted the video footage of the theft on its Facebook page this past Monday in hopes that someone might be able to help identify the jewel thief. Authorities described the suspect as a "heavy set white female wearing a brown long sleeve sweater, black sweat pants and black sandals." 

     Bill Vallie, the funeral home's general manager, said exterior surveillance cameras captured several shots of the wanted woman's vehicle and license plate, however, as of Monday afternoon, no arrests had been made.

     Anyone who can do this is a disgusting human being with no respect for the dead. It sounds like this lady might have a racket going on by visiting various funerals in the area and stealing jewelry from the dead. Hey! Why not? The dead won't come looking for it.....Or will they? Mwah-hahahahahaha!!!.....Mwah-hahahahahahahahaha!

SHOW AND TELL?

     Okay, here we go! You guys wanted a teacher-student story and one that was worth telling finally came in. So, are we familiar with Snapchat? It's an app that lets you easily talk with friends, view Live Stories from around the world, and explore news in Discover. Their site claims "Life's more fun when you live in the moment!" Apparently, this statement holds true for 28-year-old Kylie Modisette, a teacher at Huntington School District in Texas. 

     The middle school teacher was arrested after a dirty show-and-tell with one her former students. She admitted on Thursday to Texas Rangers (not the baseball team) that she sent nude photos to a minor on Snapchat. Now, I'm not too well-versed on this app, but I have friends and family who use it and keep trying to get me on it. I keep asking why? I have Facebook and I have Instagram. What do I need Snapchat for? There have been stories like this in the past where teachers would send students naked photos because the photos would disappear after 24-hours or something like that. 

     Au contraire! The 28-year-old educator, once the student's English teacher, sent him a series of sexts in December. The teen, who is now in high school, deleted the raunchy pics from his phone, but not before his buddies took screenshots of the naked teacher and spread them around the school. The screen shots is what does it every time! Not that I have anything to hide, but that app is just silly. 

     The school district's superintendent David Flowers said that Modisette has been placed on administrative leave pending further investigation. He refused to give any more details about the ongoing case. Modisette had been teaching at the middle school for the last 3 1/2 years, until she was arrested on Thursday. I have to say, that I would need to see these photos before I can judge if her punishment was firm enough. Was that too predictable? 

     On her "Rate My Teacher" page, she received one review, with one star in every category except "Easiness," where she received 5 stars. The anonymous reviewer wrote, "She sends nudes to here students." Seriously, so what? It's not like she molested the kid or sexually abused him in any way. I'm sure this kid was already looking at nudie magazines. I know I was when I was his age. She just made it a lot easier for him. I wouldn't mind getting nude text messages from her. Am I right, guys?.....Guys?.....Hello?

     Modisette was charged with misdemeanor distribution of harmful material to a minor and released on a $1500 bond. Wait! Distribution of harmful to a minor? What did she do give him a gun too? Since when is sending a nude photo harmful to one's self? Besides the fact that the kid would be slapping his salami to nude photos of his teacher, what is harmful about the material she distributed? Can anyone answer that? I'm not saying what she did was wrong, but where is the harmful material? Ouch....I'm sorry....A naked photo just beat me up! I don't get it. Unless, she sexually abused the boy, I see no harm here!

GETTING A RISE OUT OF THE BOMB SQUAD

     It's sad that in this day, we have to be terrified of every little thing being a bomb or something that will harm us in some sort of way. When I say "little," now I'm talking about penis rings? 

     A gambling hall in Germany wasn't taking any chances. An employee of the Spielothek casino in Halberstadt, Germany, heard ticking and humming noises from a men's bathroom trash bin on Tuesday and called police, who evacuated dozens from the casino and adjacent shops, blocked off the street and called in the bomb squad.

     The bomb squad eventually found something not-so-explosive in the trash...Yes, they found a penis ring that was still vibrating. One official told a German publication that the department had to react to stay "on the safe side." As for the battery-powered sex toy that created the widespread panic. No one knows how the device got there. 

     The official said, "This is something I have never seen in 36 years on the force, that just tops everything." Here's the hilarious thing, this isn't the only emergency response to penis ring activity in Germany as of late. Back in March, firefighters had to remove several penis rings from a fetishist in Munich. I have to say, it seems they love their cock rings in Germany. Here in the U.S., we love our pills, but at least, Viagra can't cause a bomb scare. 

THE NATIONAL POO MUSEUM?

     Well, those who know me, know that I have this poo obsession. For those who didn't know, I even wrote a book about pooping in your pants called S**t Happens, which is available on Amazon.com. 

     Anyway, a newly opened museum in Great Britain is promising to get to the bottom of the bowel movements. The National Poo Museum opened last week at the Isle of Wight Zoo, where visitors can see excrement-oriented exhibits like feces from more than 20 different animals including elks, lions, and a human baby. They even have fossilized poo (or coprolites or as I call them crapolites) dating back 140 million years. 

     Nigel George, on of the crap curators, says the reason for doing a museum dedicated to doody is simple: "Poo provokes strong reactions." George went on to say in an interview, "Small children naturally delight in it but later we learn to avoid this yucky, disease-carrying stuff, and that even talking about poo is bad, but for most of us, under the layers of disgust and taboo, we're still fascinated by it." 

     To make sure the museum's poo didn't stink, the curators had to build a special dung dryer, according to co-poo-curator, Daniel Roberts, who also said, "A stick insect poo can be desiccated completely in an hour or so, but a lion poo can take a fortnight (two weeks) to dry out."

     The National Poo Museum will be at the Isle of Wight Zoo through the summer before going on tour. Although, it's billed as the first-ever museum to "number two," that statement may have been made in the flush of publicity. Turns out, Italy opened one last year in a small town of Castelbosco. In addition, back in 2012, the city of Suwon, South Korea, opened Mr. Toilet House, a museum and park that features statues of humans and animals going to the bathroom. 

     Either way you want to flush it, I still think it's awesome that there even is a museum dedicated to poop. Maybe with any luck, my book S**T Happens will make it into the museum dedicated to the one thing I seem to be obsessed with. I hope this crappy museum hits our neck of the woods because I will surely be there. 

SHE-ROBOT

     Although, I realize that we're getting into an age where robots will be replacing human beings in the workplace, I never thought I'd see the day where robots will be replacing human beings! I mean this is crazy!

     A graphic designer in Hong Kong has constructed a life-sized robot from scratch on the balcony of his home. Ricky Ma grew up watching cartoons featuring adventures of robots and dreamed of eventually building one of his own one day. His childhood dream was realized at the age of 42.

     The fruit of his labors of a year-and-a-half, and a budget of more than $50,000, is a female robot prototype he calls Mark 1, modeled after a Hollywood star whose name he wanted to keep under wraps. I think we can all guess who she resembles. Ahem...Scarlet Johansson? The robot responds to set of programmed verbal commands spoken into a microphone. I wonder if he sculpted her to be anatomically correct? Better yet, I wonder if her month "only" talks. Okay, I'm starting to creep myself out now.

     Ma said, "I figured I should just do it when the timing is right and realize my dream. If I realize my dream, I will have no regrets in life." Besides simple movements of its arms and legs, turning its head and bowing, Ma's robot, which has dark blond hair and liquid eyes, and wears a grey skirt and cropped top, can create detailed facial expressions. In response to the compliment, "Mark 1, you are so beautiful," its brows and the muscles around its eyes relax, and the corners of its lips lift, creating a natural-seeming smile, and it says, "Hehe, thank you."

     A 3-D printed skeleton lies beneath Mark1's silicone skin, wrapping its mechanical and electric parts. About 70 percent of its body was created using 3D printing technology. Ma, who believes the importance of robots will only grow, hopes an investor will buy his prototype, giving him the capital to build more, and he wants to write a book about his experience, to help other enthusiasts. 

     The rise of robots and artificial intelligence are among disruptive labor market changes that the World Economic Forum projects will lead to a net loss of 5.1 million jobs over the next five years. Yeah, that's not good! Am I the only one who finds this a little bit creepy?