IS THAT AN EGGPLANT OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

     I know that usually I'm here to rant silly things and I haven't had the time to right a proper blog in a while, but today since it will be my last blog of the week because I will be working a music festival in upstate New York, I wanted to end this week on a silly note.

     Isn't it funny when vegetables grow into phallic shapes? Cantaloupes always look like boobs, cucumbers look like....well, you know. But it takes a lot of balls to attempt to sell a single eggplant for more than $100, unless of course it's shaped like a large penis. I mean I'm almost jealous of this eggplant in a twisted sort of way. 

     Anyway, a New Zealand man is currently selling the "erotic eggplant" on a bidding website, TradeMe.co.nz. The listing read: "For sale, a freshly picked phallic aubergine. Totally, organic, satisfaction guaranteed. All proceeds to charity." What the hell goes on in New Zealand?

     The current bis for the penile eggplant is a whopping $101 and the auction doesn't end until Saturday. The man, who asked not to be named, is selling the penis-shaped vegetable on behalf of his dad, who grew it at his home in Waikato. He told a newspaper, "He thought it was hilarious, and my wife and I found it pretty funny, too. It was a happy coincidence that the eggplant had that shape." 

     The seller plans to donate the money from the sale to the New Zealand Prostate Cancer Foundation, in honor of a family friend who recently died from the disease. The auction might bring a lot of money, but I guess we'll see. Of course, phallic fruits and vegetables are a fertile source of these weird news stories. 

     Last September, a San Diego woman learned the meaning of forbidden fruit when she got a shipment of produce that included a penis-shaped pear. In 2013, a woman in the U.K. grew a strawberry that looked amazingly like a penis and testicles. The 52-year-old woman was fascinated by the penis strawberry, but not necessarily impressed. She said, "It's funny how strawberry can grow like that, but I must admit, I did think it was a bit on the small side....not too much to boast about. It would be nice it if grew a bit bigger." Um, lady? It's a fucking deformed strawberry! Not really a penis! Hey, why don't you stroke the strawberry a couple strokes, maybe it will get bigger then......What the hell is wrong with people? 

GPS - DON'T TRUST IT!

     I can't be the only one who doesn't trust the GPS, but this has to be one of the dumbest stories I've heard in a long time. I mean, it's no secret that your Garmin or your phone GPS system has taken you off the beaten path. Sometimes, we choose not to even listen to the digital map system especially if we already know where we're going. 

     Well, a Chicago woman was killed after her husband followed their car's GPS navigation system off a partially demolished bridge that had been closed since 2009. Zohra Hussain, 51, died after their Nissan Sentra fell more than 37 feet off the old bridge and burst into flames. She was unable to escape, according to the Lake County coroner's office. Hussain's husband, Iftikhar Hussain, 64, survived the fall and managed to escape the couple's car. According to one news source, the husband was hospitalized in stable condition in nearby Gary, Indiana. 

     Authorities are trying to understand what prompted the couple to drive onto the bridge past barricades and warnings, though officials believe the couple was likely on the way to visit family and that they were unfamiliar with the area. I mean I guess that makes sense, but how in the world do you pass through barricades and "Do Not Enter" signs? Unless, they just didn't speak English.

     "The Cline Avenue Bridge is marked with numerous barricades including orange barrels and cones, large wood signs stating ROAD CLOSED with orange striped markings. There are concrete barricaded across the road to further indicate that the road is closed," said a spokesperson from the Lake County Sheriff's Department. 

     According to another news source, the concrete barrier that blocked off the bridge had been moved, but the source was unclear as to whether the barrier was moved before or after the fatal crash. The bridge had been closed for decades and in 2010, the Indiana Department of Transportation had condemned the structure. I can't believe that none of these authorities even put suicide into the picture. Maybe the couple wasn't happy, They knew this structure was there and decided to end it all. That's the way I'm seeing it. I'm just having trouble believing that this couple listened to a GPS right off a bridge that was condemned for over a decade. If you ask me, it was intentional. No one can be that stupid. Then again, it was Indiana...

     

PUPPY LOVE

     Nobody hates bestiality stories more than me, but this story needs to be told about this sicko! This is 47-year-old James Hauser from Mesa, Arizona. He was recently arrested on charges of bestiality. The guy looks like a beast himself!

     According to the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office, Hauser agreed to bring his dog to the Holiday Inn at Interstate 10 and Baseline Road on May 4 to meet a woman who he met on Craigslist. Hauser and the woman agreed for him and his dogs to engage in sex acts with the woman. 

     Here's the best part, the "woman" was actually a male detective with the MCSO. While Hauser was messaging online with the undercover officer online, he even asked "her" if she was a cop, where the detective answered, "Yeah, I am Sheriff Joe....LOL." Thinking it was a joke, Hauser set up a time to meet and that he would bathe the dog before they rendezvoused. 

     When Hauser arrived at the hotel, he was arrested and booked on two counts of bestiality charges. The dog has been turned over to the MASH unit. Wait....so, the dog is being send to Vietnam? No! MASH is the no-kill animal shelter that was started by the infamous Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

     On the MCSO page they described MASH as "created to house and care for animals that have been abused or neglected by their caretakers and rescued by the Animal Crimes Investigation Unit. The purpose of the shelter is to provide a safe, healthy and healing shelter for these tragic animals, who must necessarily wait the outcome of their owners' cruelty cases in court. Hopefully, their ultimate outcome will be adoption into loving , permanent homes."

     I mean who knows how many times this beast, Hauser, made love to his furry friend. It's just f'n gross. What I find even more disturbing than Hauser sticking it to his Schnauzer, is his resemblance to Smashing Pumpkins front man Billy Corgan. Now, that is frightening! 

IF IT'S TOO LOUD, YOU'RE TOO OLD!

     Have you ever had such loud sex that your neighbor can't even stand you? Yeah, me neither! Apparently, one mother had to give her kids headphones before they went to bed in order to block out noises like music, threats and......sex noises? 

     Tanya Saylor told a news source that the sounds of love making were coming from the other side of a wall the room shared with a neighboring row home in Red Lion, PA. She said that sometimes they would go till 3 a.m. Saylor said, "It's pretty pathetic when you have to have a protocol due to your neighbor's actions."

     Saylor, her terminally ill husband and their five children, all between the ages of 9 and 17 and one of whom has cancer, dealt with the noise for two years. In April, the neighbor, 25-year-old Amanda Marie Warfel, pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and harassment charges for incidents that took place in February and March. Those charges were reduced to non-traffic citations. A charge of ethnic intimidation, originally filed against Warfel in connection with a February incident that was dropped.

     Two of Saylor's daughters, 15 and 17, share a room in their row home in the 100 block of West Gay Street (great name for a street). The room shares a wall with Warfel's room. When the noise first became an issue about two years ago, Saylor said she would knock on the door and ask Warfel to quite down, but it didn't help. Warfel would call her daughters names and threaten them. As she was having sex, she would describe the acts loudly enough for the girls to hear. 

     On March 21, Warfel was "loudly fornicating and banging around her bedroom to the degree that the victims' dresser and her own bed shook." A family member knocked on the common wall, but Warfel yelled back and the noise became louder. Warfel's loudness, she said would keep her two daughters up so late that one would have trouble getting to school on time the next morning. On two occasions, state police wrote notes to the school to excuse her lateness. 

     Warfel is currently in York County Prison and is set to be released on June 20. I mean how loud do you need to be? When you live in an apartment, wouldn't you find that embarrassing being that loud? Apparently, this girl didn't care and now she's paying for it. I have no words for this. 

SOUTH JERSEY STRIKES AGAIN! THIS TIME IT'S PIZZA!

     Many of you have already read my post on Facebook and many, many of you have chimed in on last night's ordeal, but you have no idea what I went through last night at Bertucci's in Sicklerville, NJ, which, by the way, is the worst pizza on planet earth. I mean it can't get any worse than this. 

     So, let's go back six months, I had just gotten done working out in my kung fu class, so I stopped at Bertucci's in Sicklerville to pick up a Margherita pizza and some wings for my wife and me for dinner. When I got home, I was horrified by what the pie looked like when I opened the box. It was deformed in shape and had no basil. Growing up in North Jersey with some real Italian families, you don't fuck with our pizza! I was so annoyed, I wrote to Bertucci's corporate and did not even receive a response. I let it go and my wife and I decided to ban Bertucci's from our list of "go-to" places, because there was a time when their pizzas were, what we thought was the best we could get in South Jersey. 

     Now, mind you, many restaurants down this way close around 9:30-10:00, so the pickings are slim when it comes to late night dining. Last month, on my way back from Kung Fu again, I decided to lift the ban and give Bertucci's another shot. This time, my experience with them was a pleasant one and the girl at the counter, even showed me the pizza before I left with it. I showed her a photo of the one I got last time and even she was mortified. I said to my wife, "Okay, maybe they got their shit back together." 

     So, now, last night, on my way home from Kung Fu again, and I was running late, so I called Bertucci's to place my order for a large Margherita pizza, a Caesar salad, and Tuscan wings. It sounded like the same girl as last time, so I figured we were in good shape. I arrive at the restaurant and there was no one at the counter. In fact, it looked like they were cleaning up the kitchen. I waited there literally for 10 minutes. I even saw my pie sitting there in the box with the box open. WHAT? Who does that? I stuck my head in by the bar and it took a patron to say, "You have someone waiting over there." The bartender comes over and asks if I'm ordering or picking up. I told him that I already ordered and he asked what I would like? Um, what? 

     Once he realized I was there to pick up, he went to get me a waiter to check me out. The waiter got my order together, but at first, was reluctant to show me the pie. I nicely asked if I can see it and showed him a picture of what I got the last time. He looked at me and said, "Oh we wouldn't give you a pizza like that" and then opened up the box to show me another deformed Margherita pizza with no basil on it. I quickly said, "Are you kidding me?" It's not even round. He responded, "Not all of our pizzas are perfectly round." I said, "But this is not even close! And where's the basil?" He told me, "We put the basil on the side so that it won't wilt on the pizza." Um, what? For those who know me, do I really look like a moron? Don't answer that! It was rhetorical! The waiter said to me that he was going to get his manager and she would tell me the same exact thing. 

     A guy named Dave was standing behind me and asked me if I ordered yet. I told him that I did and proceeded to show him my pizza. Dave was mortified because he too ordered a Margherita pizza. I can see the look in his face. It was look of "Uh-oh! What did I just get myself into." Poor guy! I wanted to say, "Run and save yourself!" 

     The manager finally came out after a 5-minute wait. I showed her the pie and she looked a little shocked that I was making a big deal about it. I told her, "If you came into my pizza shop and I tried to send you home with this, would you take it?" She understood and said, "I can make you a new one." This was the trick question of the night. Do you allow these cooks who just cleaned their kitchen and whose pizza you just insulted to make you another pie without spitting in it or putting something gross in the pie? I didn't trust it and I even told her that, but she assured me that she doesn't run a place like that. I thought to myself, "But you run a place that makes deformed looking pizzas?" I took my chances and let he make me another pizza. 

     As I waited, they brought Dave his pie and he, too, asked to see his pie. They opened the box and his was folded a quarter of the way and deformed also! I was starting to think that these cooks seriously never saw what a pizza looked like before. Dave reluctantly paid for his $22 pie, but then the waiter noticed there was no basil on the side and said he would go and get it. Dave turned to me and asked, "What do you think? Should I get my money back? I just paid for a $22 pie that looked like this." I told him that I would. That is messed up! The problem was we were both hungry and this point didn't care, but come on, Bertucci's! Show that you care a little!

     Dave asked for his money back and out came the manager again, but this time she even said, "What happened? Another deformed pizza?" So, now she even knows they're deformed. She told him the pizza was too big to fit in the box, so sometimes they have to fold it in. Um, what? Am I the only one who hasn't been to a pizza place that folds their pizza to fit it in a box? When Dave asked for his money back again, she said that she would make him another pizza. He said he didn't trust her cooks and she assured him too that nothing would happen because their kitchen was out in the open. Here's the problem....No one was in the restaurant but us! Dave reluctantly agreed and we both sat their an waited as we made fun of Bertucci's. 

     My new pizza finally came....deformed again! At this point, I didn't care! I just wanted to go home. So, I just said it was fine. I grabbed my food and was going to pay, but the manager said, "No way! It's on us!" Did that mean, "Enjoy your loogie Marghertia Pizza?" Or was she just really embarrassed? Either way, we got a free dinner. Dave texted me later and he got some free sodas. But this will be the last time we order from that shit-hole. What aggravated me was the fact that they were trying to tell me that all pizzas were not round, they didn't want the basil to wilt, and that they couldn't even get a Margherita Pizza right! Who messes that up? My mother-in-law and brother-in-law make a way better pizza on Easter than these clowns. It's the mentality down here. These morons think they can get one over on everyone down here. You can't mess with someone who knows food! Bertucci's R.I.P.