WHAT THE....AN AUTOMATIC SPERM EXTRACTOR?

     My friend Chuck sent this story to me on Facebook last night and I'm totally obsessed with it. All I could think was "Only in China can we see this!" Even though, I was really thinking, "How do I get one of these for my house for when my fiancee is not in the mood or has a headache? Wait till you read what I have here for you today. 

     So, a Chinese hospital in Nanjing, a capital of Jiangsu Province, has introduced a new machine that makes sperm donation even easier. They've created an automatic sperm extractor. That's right! Guys, we might never need to use our hands again! The Chinese have created a machine that will do it for you. Have they gone to far? Hell no!

     The effortless machine, which has been around for a few years now, features a massage pipe that can be adjusted to the height of the user. Since this was in China, I'm sure all of the machines were short and the massage pipes were small tubing. Something they will have to fix if they bring this machine to America. It's okay! I can say it since I'm of Chinese decent. Anyway, all the gentleman has to do is plug in the frequency, amplitude and temperature, then plug himself into the massage piping and they're off to the races. The machine is also fitted with a small screen for those feeling a little uninspired and can use a little coaxing. In other words; yes, you can watch porn while this machine is stroking your little ego! I have to say; whoever invented this was pure genius! 

     According to the director of the urology department of the hospital, the machine was designed to help individuals that are finding it difficult to retrieve sperm the old fashioned way with a jar of Vaseline, a few tissues and good ol' Mary and her five sisters. The director said, "We're not entirely convinced that standing in a room shared by many other people and being milked like a cow is going to help, but their efforts are commendable." Screw that! First of all, I would get this machine for private use for those lonely nights. I would not use this in a sperm bank. Second, just wow! Where has this machine been all my life? I might have to ask my fiancee for this as a wedding gift, though, I doubt that will go over too well. But it's not cheating because it's a machine, right?

     Take a look at this video. It will all make sense and you GUYS will be asking me where to get one: