BLUETOOTH THAT CLIT WITH ORGASMIA

     So, I recently had a conversation with a friend who revealed to me that she masturbates when she drives her car. I was totally blown away by this new revelation, but soon learned that my friend was not alone in this traffic fantasy. In fact, many women do and if you don't maybe it's time to start having some fun with yourself while you drive. 

     Oh, do you need a hands-free device to be able to do that? Well, never fear, Fun Factory is here! So, apparently, Fun Factory Founder and CEO Dirk Bauer and a team of German doctors have developed a V-shaped, blue-tooth controlled implant that sits against the clitoral legs, stimulating the clitoris's inner structure. One of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons is currently the only one offering this procedure in the United States at this time, but Fun Factory hopes to make it more widely available in the near future. By the way, Fun Factory is a sex toy company. 

     Orgasmia, as it is being called, emits a mild, silent vibration that targets the entire clitoris, not just the glans. The device can be used on its own for hands-free orgasms, to enhance the experience of sex with a partner, or to address a variety of sexual complaints including unsatisfying intercourse, extended separation from a partner, or even lack of time for sex. Who the hell doesn't have time for sex? You always make time for that! Even better than the long-awaited "female Viagra," Orgasmia gives women control over their arousal and pleasure. Does this mean women won't need us anymore? Maybe this isn't such a great idea!

      Orgasmia's motor nestles against the pelvis and users report that they stop noticing it after only 3 to 4 days of use. Inspired by the design of Thermal Electric watches, the device automatically recharges using body heat. Now, that's pretty cool! As with all Fun Factory products, Orgasmia is encased in medical grade silicone. While the implant can be synced to respond to remote commands from a number of electronic devices including many smartphones, Fun Factory also offers a variety of discreet remote controls designed to look like rings, wristwatches, necklaces and more. I'm not sure how I feel about that! Can you imagine having that thing in you and your niece or nephew gets a hold of your smartphone or say one of the remotes malfunctions. Man, you better hold onto something because it's going to be a really wild ride!

     Orgasmia is implanted in a reversible outpatient procedure. The motor comes with a 20-year guarantee; after that, the company will cover half the cost of replacements or upgrades. Oh, thank God! All-in with the procedure, Orgasmia can run you about $6500. Yeah, no thanks! I'm pretty confident in my skills that my wife won't be needing this, but for those of you who might need this? Have at it! We don't judge here! We might see a rise in women car accidents though! Just saying....

I MADE YOU BROWNIES, DAD.....

     Today's story reminds me of something that happened back when I was still young and stupid, as opposed to being just old and stupid now. When I was younger, a friend of ours told us he would never smoke pot, but if we found a way for him to eat it; he would try that. As I said, we were young and stupid! So, we told him done! My friend and I went out and bought an eighth of an ounce of marijuana from our local drug dealer friend and a box of brownie mix. Yes, we made our friend pot brownies for a party that was happening later that night. He agreed to eat them as he said he would. He ate one and told us he felt nothing. Then he ate another one and told us the same thing. From what I heard, he ended up eating like eight brownies because he claimed he didn't feel anything, but in actuality, we all know what happened, right? After eating two brownies, the munchies set in without him realizing it and he got hungry. In his mind, they were just brownies because he was feeling no effects. Soon, it hit him like a ton of bricks and soon he was complaining about chest pain and how he was dying. After we calmed him down, he finally slept it off and all was good in the world again. Oh, yeah....That friend is a Police Officer today. 

     That story being told; maybe you'll see why this story brought me back to that memory. So, a Michigan father thought he was having a stroke and was hospitalized after he unknowingly chowed down on his daughter's pot brownies. The terrified 58-year-old at several of the marijuana-laced treats that had been left out at his Independence Township home on Wednesday morning. The father started suffering hallucinations and dialed 911, telling medics that he had "no idea" what was happening to his body and mind. Fearing that he was seriously ill, he was rushed to St. Joesph's Hospital in Pontiac for emergency treatment.    

     A police officer told a news source that the father thought he was having a stroke. Police started to investigate and the man's 17-year-old daughter soon confessed to cooking the brownies with marijuana. She said she'd left them out because she didn't think anyone would touch them. Not for nothing, but I would be pretty pissed if I made a batch of cookies or brownies for a party and someone in my house ate a bunch of them. I think the father was definitely wrong here. He should always ask before eating! What if she put ants in the brownies as part of a science experiment? Then he just ate a bunch of ants! I think I would have preferred the marijuana. 

     The father was later released from the hospital and made a full recovery. The brownies tested positive for marijuana and the girl now faces drug charges. That's ashame! The police officer said, "She's not going to get it light." That really sucks! All because the father couldn't keep his hands to himself. Then again, it was in his house. Since they were laced with pot, the girl should have hidden them better. Like in her bedroom or just not out for her parents to see them. I guess they don't make them too bright up in Michigan.  

SEALED WITH A KISS....IN THE VAJAYJAY?

     Today, I was a bit torn as to what I wanted to write about. There was a story out of India where a couple was caught having sex on a motorcycle while crossing a bridge. The story actually had pictures to go with it, which really gave me that itch to write about it. Then this story rose it's ugly head and it was game over!

     Some of you will love this one! So, a jealous South African husband decided to pour super glue into his wife's vagina after becoming convinced that she was sleeping with her uncle. WHAT? First of all, ouch! Second of all, ew! The 45-year-old man allegedly locked his 40-year-old spouse in the bedroom of their home, or hut, in the village of Ngwamtila, near Bushbuckridge. 

     The husband reportedly pointed a machete at his wife and ordered her to strip naked. After threatening to chop her head off if she didn't obey, he forced her to open her legs to apply the super adhesive to her genitals. She told one news source, "I looked at him with horror and tears streaming down my face. I don't know what would make a man who loves a woman to do that to her." Um, I know! You banged his uncle! 

     The victim/wife managed to remove some of the glue following the sickening attack, but she was left scarred for life and believes that the pain she now constantly suffers means she will never be able to have sex again. Oh, well! I guess that means no more cheating either! I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for cheaters, whether it's a guy or a girl. Rather than cheating, just leave the person. Why stay with them and hurt their feelings when they find out? Trust me, they always find out! If you ask me, this cheating wife got what she deserved just as much as those guys who got their penises cut off for cheating. It's the same thing! They won't be able to have sex anymore and neither will this cheating whore. 

     Anyway, the husband fled after the March 2013 assault and has never faced charges. The woman with the sealed vajayjay has finally told her story, two years after the attack, in a bid to track down her husband so he can face justice. She told the News, "I wanted to press charges, but he fled and has not been seen since the incident. I am scared that he might back anytime and remove my head." Trust me, honey; you can never have sex ever again. He got his revenge. Your husband is not coming after your head especially because your head is the only way you can ever enjoy any kind of sex again. Revenge--accomplished!

BOOB MITZVAH.....MAZEL TITS!

     Okay, okay, I know I said in yesterday's blog that I might slow down on the teacher-student sex stories because they're all the same. The good news is today's blog has nothing to do with a teacher or a student, nor is it the same type of story you've read in my blog before. It's actually quite interesting and my perv readers will wish they were a 15-year-old Jewish boy after they read this. 

     So, let me introduce you to 32-year-old Lindsey Radomski. She's from my favorite state of Arizona and she's the recent recipient of some brand new, nice and firm breasts. That's cool, right? Well, not so cool because Radomski was busted after she got wasted at a Scottsdale bar mitzvah, showed off her boobs to a group of unimpressed peers and then got rowdy with a bunch of boys. Yup! This stuff never happened to me when I was a teenager!

     Radomski, got her peep show started by flashing about five adults during Saturday's party with about 100 guests. When she was scolded not to expose her lovely lady lumps again, she tried exciting a group of "juveniles" by the pool. The drunken yoga instructor later let seven underage boys ages 11 to 15, fondle her brand new jugs in a bedroom, while most of the guests had gone home or fallen asleep. She also, allegedly, performed oral sex on a 15-year-old boy who was last to leave. I have a question, though, since I am not too well-versed with my Jewish culture. Isn't a bar mitzvah a celebration for when a boy becomes a man? Well? It seems to me that Radomski had done her part in turning a bunch of boys into men including the one she gave oral too. Am I wrong? What's the problem here then?

     Sgt. Ben Hoster said, "It's definitely an odd case. We've never seen a case like this before. You have an adult and you have so many juveniles. We're just concerned for the kids." Really? Just wondering how many kids were harmed in this dealing? If anything the boys got an amazing show and it was probably the best bar mitzvah they'd ever been to. So, where is the concern? They got to see and touch live boobs? Now, that they're men, they need to get used to it anyhow! Anyway, Radomski later told police she was too intoxicated to remember what happened during the wild night, but she did admit to flaunting her new boobs. She was arrested on Tuesday after the teen's parents reported the incident to the police, where she was charged with sexual conduct with a minor, sexual abuse and indecent exposure. 

     I have to be honest, though many of you won't agree with me, I don't see any wrong in what Radomski did. I put myself in the mind of a 15-year-old and I would have been in heaven. Yeah, she's not the best looking, but she had new big boobs and she was giving out oral. Who cares what her face looked like? Once again, she might have gotten away with it if those five little Jewish boys would have kept their mouths shut! The boob flashing might have just been passed off as a drunk chick having a good time at the party. I guess this is why I hate writing about these stories now. It's because these teenage boys piss me off! Just keep your mouth shut! You got to mess around with an older woman. Why would you tell your parents? Kids these days... 

TIME TO SCOOP THAT POOP!

     I really wanted to write about that math teacher, who pleaded guilty to having sex with four of her male students. She even made them wait their turn while she did the other one. Then I thought, "How many times do I need to write about teacher-student sex?" Though, I do love it, it seems to be the same story over and over again and besides....The teacher wasn't even good looking. So, today, I chose a pretty interesting story that hits a little bit on a personal level. 

     As I've said in the past, I am a dog owner. That being said; I remember when my wife and I used to live in an apartment complex and I we needed to walk our dog around the complex to go to the bathroom. The problem was in doing so, we always felt like we were dodging land mines because there was so much dog poop on the sidewalk from owners not picking up their dog's waste. Yes. Very disgusting! Today, when we go to visit my mother-in-law, who lives in a 55 and older community, it's the same problem when we take our dog for walk over there. People will not pick up after their dogs, but they will be the first to complain that they stepped in dog poop!

     Well, a Virginia condominium complex, The Rotonda in Tysons Corner plans to implement "Poo Prints," a DNA database of dogs in the building, in an effort to catch owners that don't scoop up their dog's poop. In a March newsletters, the condo association notified its residents they will have to register their dogs and take swabs of their DNA with Rotonda staff watching. All swabbed dogs are required to wear special tags in a visible spot. Any dog waste found in the Fairfax County gated community after May 1 will be sent to a DNA contractor. If dog owners are linked to the offending specimens, they will be fined up to $600. This plan is brilliant! Nothing changes human behavior more than putting the fear of fines into them. Many complexes don't even allow dogs for this reason. Maybe this will change with this new DNA plan. 

     The newsletter also stated, "Unscooped pet waste is becoming a real health concern on the Rotonda exterior property, as well as in building hallways, lobbies, loading docks, and garages. Not only is it unsightly, but more importantly, it can be unsafe to other pets, children and the environment." The Rotonda is not the first place to create such a database. In 2011, the mayor of the Israeli town of Petah Tikva pioneered a dog DNA testing to sniff out dog owners in need of a pooper scooper. Like I stated earlier, this plan is brilliant and I hope this catches on in all communities because stepping in someone else's dog shit is the worst! I thank God that we have a house with a big backyard!  

FATHER OF THE YEAR.....NOT!

     After I tell you what this moron did, you may want to hunt him down and punch him in the face. First, let me explain what "shotgunning" is to those of you who have never smoked pot in your life.....like me! I heard this from a friend. So, "shotgunning" is the art of inhaling the smoke from a joint, a bong or a pipe and then blowing the smoke into the mouth of another willing participant. Basically, you're blowing recycled smoke into someone else's mouth. Yes, totally disgusting! 

     That brings me to today's story! This is 22-year-old Christopher Robert Kling from Oregon. He is being accused of blowing marijuana smoke into his infant child's mouth on many occasions, according to the authorities in Beaverton. Who the hell does that? An idiot does! That's who! Police in the town near Portland arrested Kling after a family friend showed them a smartphone video of Kling exhaling weed fumes into his own baby's mouth. 

     Police arrived to the home of Kling's estranged wife on the 3300 block of Southwest 125th Avenue around 11 p.m. on Sunday night in response to reports of a domestic disturbance. The officers calmed the couple's verbal argument down and allowed Kling to return to his separate home before the individual approached them with the disturbing footage. The family friend explained to the officers that he was concerned for the child's safety because he'd seen Kling blow pot smoke into the infant's mouth. He told officers that it also wasn't the first time this happened either. 

     The officers arrested Kling on suspicion of endangering the welfare of a minor. In the unreleased video, which was cited by KATU-TV, the infant is seen coughing and smoke exiting his 1-year-old mouth. When confronted about the video, Kling cried and told officers, "That was stupid of me." Authorities arraigned Kling on Monday afternoon, charging him with three felony counts of application of a controlled substance to minor. Kling is currently incarcerated at Washington County Jail. Personally, I think he belongs in a mental institution. After spending the weekend with my nieces and nephews, I cannot imagine harming them like that. Their little brains could not handle a substance like marijuana and anyone who thinks it can really needs to get their heads examined. Yes, I'm talking about you Christopher Robert Kling. Yeah, you cried and said that was stupid of you, but I hope the authorities in Beaverton aren't stupid enough to fall for that dog and pony show! That is pure child abuse and you need to be put away for a long time! Moron!   

SHE JOINED THE MILE HIGH CLUB....WITH HERSELF!

     So, it seems British Airways has been in the news a lot the past couple of weeks. Last week, they had to turn the plane around because someone decided to poop on the plane and the smell was so horrid that they literally had to turn the plane around. The smell coming out of the bathroom was so bad that it could not have withstood a six-hour flight. So, they turned the plane around and returned to the departing airport. I'm only sorry that I didn't write about it in this blog because that story was right up my alley. Therefore, I will not leave this new British Airways story in the dust because it sounds just as insane!

     I'm sure many of you let your inhibitions go and let loose when you're on vacation. Many of you also know enough to return to your regular self once you enter an airport because that signals the end of your vacation and back to your regular mundane life. That's unless you were this 46-year-old unidentified woman, who was flying back to the U.K. from Jamaica after her week-long vacation. She decided to let her freak flag fly high on the way home. 

     The woman apparently thought she was still on vacation and got pissed drunk while she was on the flight back to Gatwick Airport in London. She proceeded to strip off her clothes and began tickling her taco at her seat. It sounds to me that she really admired and adopted the Jamaican ideology of "No problems." Several passengers watched as the wild woman continued masturbating, while others alerted the airline crew about what was happening. Those prudes!

     Once the plane landed in jolly ol' England, the woman was given a police caution for being drunk on an aircraft. Um, what? That's it? So, this woman took off all her clothes, finger-popped herself and only received a warning about being drunk on the airplane? What the hell? British Airways refused to comment any further on the incident, but did confirm that police were called to handle the situation on the flight.

     I am so confused because if a guy stripped down and started pulling his pud on the plane, he would have been arrested and thrown in a drunk tank. This sounds like a double standard to me. The only thing I can think of was the woman put on quite a show for the crew and other passengers that no one really complained about her masturbation show, but her being drunk really got to them. Either way....what the hell?  

THE BACHELOR PARTY CRASHER?

     Since I'm a newlywed of almost three months now, I kind of found this story to be quite entertaining and if I was the groom in this wedding party, I would like to think that I would have acted in the same manner.

     Anyway, this is Joey DiJulio from Seattle, Washington. For weeks, he found himself receiving emails from people he didn't even know about a bachelor party and a groom he's never met. He saw names of Philadelphia landmarks like Reading Terminal Market thrown around in the emails, but couldn't put his finger on where they were located until he searched the landmarks online. 31-year-old DiJulio, who's never been to the Northeast, said, "I had no idea what any of these places are. After Googling them, everything was pointing to Philadelphia." 

     It turned out, DiJulio, an IT worker and married father of one in Burien, Washington, had been mistaken for a friend of the groom with a similar last name. DiJulio thought it would be funny to sit there as a "fly on the wall" for much of the email chain until Monday, when he broke the news after the groom's brother wanted a headcount of people attending the party. He sent an email the thread saying this: 

Hi All,

So, I have no idea who any of you guys are, but I have been enjoying being a fly on the wall hearing about the plans for this bachelor party over the last few months.

I'm assuming my E-Mail address was added to the list by mistake (perhaps a typo of someone else?).

I live out in Seattle, WA and although for a moment I thought it might be funny to just show up and be that guy nobody knows but everyone wonders "who is that guy?", buying a plane ticket for a cross-country flight just to crash a bachelor's party might be a bit over the top (although it would be epic!).

Nonetheless, I do hope you guys have a great time and I'd like to take a moment to wish the best of luck in life to the groom!

Cheers!
Joey DiJulio

Seattle, WA 

     But it didn't end there. The Groom, Jeff Minetti, figured; why not invite him anyway? That is hilarious! I would like to think with my sense of humor, I would have done the same thing. This guy would have had so much fun at my bachelor party! But we'll leave it at that. So, the real estate agent, Minetti, asked him to attend both the bachelor party on March 28 and his wedding on May 2 in Jersey. Minetti responded with "This is the city of brotherly love! Any and all are welcome!" He even proceeded to tell DiJulio that if he made the trip to the east coast, he could even be the best man! I'm not sure I would've went that far, but that is very funny! 

     DiJulio took his story online on gofundme.com and quickly raised money to cover his travel. In less than a week, he's already hit his goal of a little more than $1,200 and it putting any more money he raises toward Minetti's honeymoon. I think that is such a fantastic story and I needed to share this to end the week! The groom promised DiJulio the bachelor party would be a low-key affair at some bars, maybe a casino, to watch March Madness unfold. And while he won't actually be the best man, which is reserved for Minetti's 11-year-old cousin, DiJulio has his plane ticket ready to go for next weekend to see a city he's never been to and hang out with a group of guys he's never met. I'll tell you this, DiJulio has made some friends for life from this whole ordeal. By the way, the groom is way off about his bachelor party being low-key. He doesn't know what he's in for. I thought mine was supposed to be low-key as well. Not the case! I'm sure DiJulio will have a blast in the City of Brotherly Love! With his luck, he'll end up in the Gayborhood at the end of the night!

SO, WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?

     Just when I thought today was going to be a slow news day, Wilfredo Nazario comes across one of my many news feeds. You see; Wilfredo was caught doing something that he probably shouldn't have been doing. Okay, not "probably"...He definitely shouldn't have been doing this! Sometimes when I read stories like these, I just don't understand what possesses people to do what they do. I guess I should have paid more attention in Psychology, huh?

     Anyway, Wilfredo, of Kissimmee, Florida, was arrested for following women in his car while not wearing any pants and touching himself. Yup! So, when his friends asked him, "So, what did you do today?" How do you think he responded? Wilfredo was charged with indecent public exposure and aggravated stalking after two women told deputies with the Osceola County Sheriff's Office they saw him allegedly following them in his white Toyota while he was masturbating. 

     Authorities were called to the city of Kissimmee at 2:25 p.m. on Monday by a 29-year-old woman who said the suspect had pulled up next to her at an intersection. She looked inside the car and said Wilfredo wasn't wearing any pants and was touching himself. Okay, wait a minute! If he pulled up next to her at an intersection, how the hell did she see that he wasn't wearing any pants? I can understand the masturbating because you'd be able to see he shoulder in motion, but the pants thing? Does she have x-ray vision or something? Unless, maybe she was in an SUV that was up high and he was in his little white Toyota. Otherwise, I'm not buying the fact that she saw him with no pants on at the intersection.

     The woman told police he followed her through the parking lot of a 7-11 and then to a motel where she walked inside and asked the staff to call police. At the same time the sheriff's office received a phone call from another woman who said she saw Wilfredo touching himself in his car at the 7-11 parking lot. Like I said, seeing someone masturbating in their car is easy to see, but the pants thing, I'm not sure about. 

     I remember one time when I was working from home because we had painters here in the house and landscapers working on our lawn. I happened to look out the window and saw one of the landscapers sitting in the truck. For a moment, I thought he was just resting and looking at his phone since it was hot outside. Then I noticed his right shoulder vigorously going up and down. I couldn't believe my eyes. This guy was watching porn on his phone and whacking off in front of my house. My neighbor has kids, so I was thinking about saying something. I told my painters and they both came to the window to see. One of the painters walked outside and said, "Yo! What are you doing?" Then I noticed the guy, by his shoulder movement, tuck his junk back into his pants as he told my painter in broken English, "I wait for my brother!" My painter said, "We saw what you were doing....Do that shit at home! There are kids here!" Needless to say, we never saw that kid again, but his brother is still my landscaper! My point in telling that story was because you can tell when someone is rubbing one out in a car. Can I tell if he was wearing pants or not? Nope! 

     Anyway, back to Wilfredo, who by the way looks like the landscaper's brother a little bit, deputies arrived at the scene and pulled him over in his white Toyota. The suspect admitted he was following the first victim, but denied touching himself. Of course! Why would he admit to that? Authorities did not note if he was wearing pants during the traffic stop. Wilfredo was transported to Osceola County Jail on $35,000 bond. Yeah, well, what can I say that I already didn't about this story? All I can ask is "what is wrong with people?" Also, notice what state he is from again? I told you people from Florida are messed up!  

GIVE THAT DOG A BOWL

      Before I start writing today's blog, I just want to say that I'm not totally sure how I feel about this yet. If my dog, Yankee, was in a lot of pain and the vet told me that medical marijuana might help ease the pain, I would totally consider it, but part of me feels that pets shouldn't have marijuana in their system because it's a human drug. Maybe the other reason, I wouldn't want to give Yankee marijuana is because I might be tempted to dip into his stash. I mean, would they make a marijuana for pets only? Marijuana is marijuana, right? 

     Anyway, pets might soon be able to use pot under a bill introduced on Tuesday in the Nevada Legislature. Democratic Senator Tick Segerblom (had to be a hippie back in his day with that name.) is sponsoring the bill that would allow animal owners to get marijuana for their pet if a veterinarian certifies the animal has an illness that might be alleviated by the drug. Segerblom said he's concerned that some animals might have the opposite reaction, but in the same breath said, "you don't know until you try, right?"

     Some veterinarians who have given cannabis to sick and dying pets say it has, in fact, relieved symptoms, although the substance hasn't been proven as a painkiller for animals. Los Angeles vet, Doug Kramer told the A.P. (Associated Press) in 2013 that pot helped ease his Siberian Husky's pain during her final weeks, after she had surgery to remove tumors. Kramer said cannabis helped his dog, Nikita, gain weight and live an extra six weeks before she was euthanized. Kramer told A.P., "I grew tired of euthanizing pets when I wasn't doing everything I could to make their lives better. I felt like I was letting them down." After reading this, I have to admit that even though I love marijuana for myself, I would let my little buddy use it in the event that it would prolong his life a little longer with less pain. 

     The proposal is in its earliest stages and faces several legislative hurdles before it could become a law. The pot-for-pets provision of SB372 is part of a larger bill that would overhaul the state's medical marijuana law, removing penalties for drivers who have marijuana in their blood and requiring training for pot-shop owners. Segerblom said that he added the provision after being approached by a constituent.

     Senator Mark Manendo, an animal rights advocate, said he hadn't heard of the practice of giving marijuana to animals and is concerned about their safety using the drug. He said, "That gives me pause. Alcohol is bad, chocolate is bad for dogs." He also said his own dog died in his arms at age 15, and the experience was difficult and emotional, but he doesn't know if he would've given his dog marijuana to ease his pain and prolong his life. I mean, to each his own at this point. I might give it to my dog if it helps ease his pain. My wife might not want to because she might think marijuana might be harmful to him, but then again, she wouldn't want him to suffer either and would want every second he had left to give. She might allow it too. This would be a tough call because I know how it makes me feel and I can't allow my dog to have a better time than me. Only kidding! Like I said, if they pass this bill, it's still up to the owner of the pet if they want to use this treatment or not. No one says you have to. I will say that if we ever have to put Yankee on it, he's going to have to keep an eye on his own stash because daddy is going to be dipping in and I'm not kidding about that!      

HE'S THE ONE THEY CALL DR. FEELGOOD!

     It's no secret that Las Vegas is the City of Sin, but are their doctors supposed to be this sinful? And whatever happened to "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?" That didn't seem to apply to this story, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it right now! You see; a Las Vegas surgeon and his wife hosted swingers parties at their swanky suburban mansion fueled with psychedelic drugs, sexy costumes and guest lists that topped a hundred free-wheeling revelers. 

     Dr. Andrew Scott Martin (top left in the photo, so my guess is Martin is really Martinez.) is now facing 10 drug charges and the possibility of prison after unknowingly inviting undercover cops to join in the fun. His wife, Jennifer Martin, was also charged along with six others and has pleaded guilty to one drug count. Officers from Sin City's organized crime unit hunted the hard-partying doctor for months, donning sexy outfits for exclusive galas with themes like "Frost and Furs", "Neon Kitties" and "Eyes Wide Shut."

     The officers, posing as a couple, earned their first invitation after setting up a phony account on an adult website. Officer Cynthia Hurtado told a grand jury, "Dr. Scott, was very friendly with us. It was a swinger's lifestyle party, which means people, couples had sexual intercourse with each other. We portrayed ourselves that we didn't participate in any of that. We were just wondering what it was all about." I'm sure that's a lie. The doctor would not have allowed them in unless they partook in the festivities. Maybe he was that dumb? Anyway, the handsy surgeon wasn't always easy, the officers continued. According to Hurtado, Martin allegedly tried to deliver a dose of the party drug MDMA with a kiss. When she said she needed something to loosen up, he replied, "I will get you loose once I have sex with you later." This guy doesn't sound so bad after all. He actually sounds like someone I would hang out with. 

     Martin opened ASM Ortho after an impressive career as an orthopedic surgeon in the Navy, including a stint treating soldiers during Operation Iraqi Freedom. He ran a successful practice in the City of Sin, specializing in sports medicine. Martin would house his parties at his $3 million dollar house in the suburb of Henderson and the Trump Hotel. Guests were provided with passwords and the drugs allegedly flowed freely at the gatherings. 

     The officers witnessed partygoers, Robert Ruffin, Jayme Lenz and Jovan Sanita Smith snort lines of cocaine off a kitchen table at the "Neon Kitties" bash, where guests paraded under black lights in glowing body paint. One of the officers scooped a fourth line into a napkin as evidence. All three were later busted on drug charges. Police made their move in September, raiding the Martin House as he geared up for yet another blowout. They recovered cocaine, psychedelic mushrooms, MDMA and more than an ounce of marijuana among other drugs. 

     A Nevada medical board has since suspended Martin's license noting he was an admitted "user of drugs." He'll still be able to practice, but he'll have to follow a strict set of guidelines, including submitting drug tests. I mean what is there to say about this? You're a doctor in Vegas, right? Like they say, when in Rome....Here's the thing though; if you were going to have these kinds of parties, why would you let in people you didn't really know or people who wouldn't swing? If it was a swinger party and these people were acting prudish, wouldn't that be a cause to throw up a red flag? Just saying. Either way, these parties sound awesome!

A CHANCE TO DATE THE MILF OF ALL MILFS

     I'm sure by now, all you perverts know who this is. This is porn star Lisa Ann, who is known in the porn world as Queen of the Milfs. Well, with March Madness upon us and Lisa Ann on the prowl for a couple of twins from Kentucky, with the right stroke (basketball shooting stroke that is!), hoops fans have a chance to root right alongside Queen Milf in Indianapolis at the NCAA Finals. 

     Beginning today, fans can enter to win a trip to the April 6 national title game, courtesy of Lisa Ann and porn site, Brazzers. The grand prize includes airfare, a place to stay (possibly with Lisa Ann) and tickets to attend the game at Lucas Oil Stadium with the adult film legend. Um, yes, please! If I wasn't married and was still a young buck, I might be all over this! Lisa Ann has gotten me through many lonely nights before I started dating my wife. If you know what I mean. 

     Entering the contest is way easier than filling out another bracket. All you need to do is get someone to record your best trick shot and then share it on Instagram or Twitter with the #ballislisaann hashtag and tag it @thereallisaann and @brazzers or @brazzersofficial for Instagram. The only warning I can give if you do this is to not get fired from your job for checking out these social media sites at work. It might be a good idea to post your trick shot from home.

     Lisa Ann said in a statement, "Watching the clips and seeing the tricks you all will submit is just going to be awesome for me. Top that off with a clutch date to the Tournament!" For those of you who haven't heard, Lisa Ann has been very vocal about wanting to bed Kentucky's Harrison twins, Andrew and Aaron, as she told Sirius XM's Mad Dog Radio back in February. She told Morning Men co-hosts Evan Cohen and Mike Babchik, "Those Harrison twins are just so beautiful. I don't want them to go into the league because they're going to get separated and I like them playing together." Sound like she wants the two on one action. 

     The contest to win a date with Lisa Ann runs until March 30 and a winner will be announced on April 2. So, you better start doing your push-ups because this could be a long weekend if you win a date with this sex-charged cougar. Okay, I need to go take a cold shower!

HE BROKE HIS WHAT?

     How do I start this story off? So, a bunch of years ago, my guitar player told me a story about a friend who fractured his penis during sex. I would cringe every time he told the story and would assure my little friend that would never happen to him. My guitar player would tell us that the guy's girlfriend would be on top and she landed on his erect penis the wrong way and the thing just SNAPPED in half. I know, right? Part of me never believed the story because how is that even possible? 

     Well, it is possible. A 42-year-old man was rushed to a Boston hospital after breaking his penis during sex. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the excruciating ordeal began when the man missed his mark and slammed his manhood into his partner's crotch, just below the genitalia. Wait does that mean he slammed it into his or her Taint? The errant stroke was accompanied by a sickening "SNAP" as he fractured his tunica albuginea, the watertight, fibrous sheath that surrounds the double-barreled structure that stiffens during an erection.

     Blood flooded the man's penis, turning it a gross purple, a graphic photo of the damage showed in the article. According to the journal, "The classic eggplant deformity (swelling, discoloration, and deviation away from the defect in the tunica) can be seen. All I can say is "Ouch!" and "Ew!" Doctors took one look at the man and whisked him into emergency surgery. How do doctors not laugh when they see stuff like that? If I was a doctor, I would be calling all other doctors in to take a look at the guy's mishap for a good laugh. I guess it was probably best that I never became a doctor. 

     Lucky for the man, they made a successful repair. Long-term effects would include erectile dysfunction and disfigurement from plaque along with a curved member and nerve problems. Doctors say the man seems to have recovered. His three-month and six-month check-ups revealed he's able to get an erection and doesn't have any plaque or curvature. So, wait! I guess this breakage must've happened six months ago, but the story must have come out recently. I guess my only question is how did they find out he was able to get an erection? Did they give him a handjob on the exam table? Did they look closely for plaque? That examination must have been nerve-racking for the guy. I guess the only thing I learned from this story was that my guitar player was right. A man's penis can really be broken during sex!

OH POOP!

     Of course, today had to be the day where there were many stories to write about like the Japanese porn king who said his back can't take all the work he's been getting, or the New Jersey teacher who had sexual relations with at least three of her students....And yes, she was kind of hot! The story that really caught my attention, though, just like it always does, had to do with a serial pooper in Ohio. If you know me, I love writing about crap! (Cheap plug: Pick up my book S**T Happens on Amazon.com!) 

     Anyway, the devious defecator has disgustingly dumped his own feces on, around and inside at least 19 cars in Akron, Ohio over the last two years. That is awesome! Unfortunately, the man's bizarre addiction could be coming to an end soon because he was caught on surveillance camera early Wednesday morning pooping on someone's car. 

     This photograph was taken on a timelapse camera set up by a nearby resident who'd become fed-up with repeatedly clearing human waste off his vehicle. The victim, who remained nameless, had been hit (or pooped on) seven times. The photo from the surveillance footage shows the mystery bowel movement bandit squatting over the hood of a car with his pants down, while looking directly into the lens. Police have since released the image in an attempt to track down the serial pooper. 

     Another victim who's been targeted a number of times, Jacob Karam said he hopes the culprit is caught. He said, "He did it on my hood every time! And then one time he took it and smeared it all over the hood, the windshield, the mirrors, the window, the door handles, and the gas tank cover." Akron Police Lieutenant Rick Edwards said the suspect appeared to be in his mid-40s and has not ruled out he could be responsible for even more similar incidents than the 19 already filed. If arrested, the suspect could face charges such as criminal mischief. 

     I wonder if he's actually from Jersey because I remember back in 2003, while I was at band rehearsal in Union City, NJ, right by the Lincoln Tunnel. I was parked in the Toys 'R Us parking lot next to my guitar player's brand new Ford F-150 pick-up truck. I was the first one to leave practice because I had a morning show to wake up for. I came down to see glass all over the floor. My worst fear had happened. My jeep got broken into and the asshole got away with my portable CD player and the change in my ash tray. Then I smelled something gross. I looked down and on the Ford F-150's running board was a pile of steaming crap that still had smoke coming out of it. Before I vomited, I called my guitar player to come down and take a look. It was pretty nasty, but inside, I was dying! It sure lifted the pain of my Jeep getting broken into. The guy made off with a CD player and some change while pooping on my friend's truck. Good for him!......Good for him!

A REAL LIFE TEETH FAIRY!

     You know how much I love writing about sex, drugs and the stupidity of our society, but today, I wanted to share this amazing story about "paying it forward." This way I can say that I hit all of your senses this week. Besides, it's a very slow news day, so far.

     Anyway, this is Brian Maixner from Wichita, Kansas. He recently received a tip that changed his life probably forever. A generous patron at the Doo-Dah Diner, only met Maixner one time, forked over an estimated $25,000 for a much needed set of dentures. Maixner actually told the New York Daily News, "It's so great. It's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I just have this new appreciation for my health." 

     Maixner's employer, the Doo-Dah Diner (God, I hate that name for a diner!), posted this heartwarming photo that juxtaposed Maixner's new pearly whites with his previous, less appealing smile, which was filled with tooth decay. The customer, Fred Boettcher, saw Maixner's embarrassing condition while eating at the diner in January and offered to help on the spot. Maixner said the man was of Christian faith, which he believes was the root of his charity. He recalled, "He had a lot of dental issues as a kid and told me 'I can do this and I should do it.'" 

     Maixner, a 43-year-old single father, said his family couldn't afford dental treatment when he was young and his teeth really began to deteriorate over the last half-dozen years. They made him self-conscious about his appearance, though he said it never affected his work, where he has been a food server for 20 years. Timrie Shibley, who owns the diner with her husband Patrick, said she has never received a customer complaint about Maixner, but she did confess to worrying whether someone would bring up the appearance of his teeth. That was her initial thought a few months back, when Boettcher approached her to ask about helping Maixner. She said, "He just said, 'I know this sounds crazy, but I want to help him.' He said he had done this for nine or 10 other people, and has lived a blessed life and wanted to help." Shibley was overcome with emotion, and when she told Maixner the news she said the two hugged and cried.

     Maixner received a set of dentures on March 2 and will be fitted for permanent implants at the end of the year. For a man who never had dental work done, it required an adjustment on his part. Maixner said he is now learning how to speak and feel comfortable with his new teeth. When he first went back to work with his new smile last Wednesday, regular customers quickly noticed. They call said, "Wow!" He says that he's even saying it and can't stop looking in the mirror in disbelief. 

     What did we learn from this, boys and girls? Floss regularly, brush your teeth and visit your damn dentist! Not everyone has a Fred Boettcher to help them out, though I can use him right about now. Anyway, take care of your teeth or you too can one day look like Brian Maixner. 

THE PORNOMIDS

     First, I wanted to thank all of you for reading my blog yesterday about the Brendan Byrne Arena and sharing your memories on my Facebook page. That was pretty awesome! Secondly, let's get back to the filth in this world. I'm going to have to chalk this story up in the "What the f**k is wrong with people?" category. 

     It turns out; Egyptian authorities are pretty pissed after a couple of tourists filmed an amateur porn video at the Pyramids of Giza and put it online. Antiquities Minister Mamdouh al-Damati said in a statement, "A set of sexually explicit scenes was illegally filmed inside the Giza Necropolis by foreign tourists while visiting the site." The video, shot with a handheld camera, shows a woman walking around one of the seven wonders of the world, showing her breasts and briefly giving the cameraman a hummer (That's oral sex. Not the SUV!) on the Giza Necropolis grounds, with the iconic pyramids and the Sphinx behind her. 

     At one point, she turns and flashes the camera while walking with a group of tourists. She also kept complaining about the attraction saying, "This f**king sucks. What is there to look at? It really sucks, even our resorts are better." Is this girl a moron? I know people who only dream of seeing the Egyptian pyramids and the Sphinx up close and this girl is saying "this sucks?" Does she even know what they are or how they even got there? No, because she's an asshole with no brain. The closest many people will get to seeing this is in Las Vegas. This girl has no idea how lucky she really is for being in Egypt and seeing one of the world's seven wonders. All I can say is "What an asshole!"

     Egyptian officials initially denied the clip's authenticity, but later announced that prosecutors were investigating the incident. The names of the Sphinx sex stars have not been released, but officials believe the woman is a Russian tourist. Oh, go figure! The woman appears to be a 23-year-old porn star named Aurita, who posts videos on a website called Porn Traveling. But she is called Sasha in the video and on Porn Traveling's page for the video. The site's pyramid video page features photos from the clip and a story about the filming. 

     The story says, "The only think I liked about that excursion was a quick blow Sasha gave me near the pyramid. Anyway, at least the nightmare is over now and we saw the f**king pyramids and all." It's unclear when the video was shot. Moist of the videos naughty bits take place in an area closed off from tourists. I don't know. I guess if that's what they do, that's what they do. I think the girl is a moron, but it sounds like the cameraman is too. I guess I'd really need to see the footage before I hold any judgment against these two. What was that site again? Porntraveling.com?     

GOOD BYE OLD FRIEND

    Last night, at the end of the Maroon 5 show at the Izod Center, many saw their last concert at what was the famed New Jersey arena. This might age me, but I don't care. I remember my first show there when it was the Brendan Byrne Arena named after the 47th governor of the Garden State. 

     It was 1987 and my parents finally allowed me to see my favorite band, Motley Crue, in concert at the Brendan Byrne Arena in the Meadowlands in East Rutherford, NJ. This would be the first of a very long love affair seeing this band in concert. That night would be my first of 53 shows as a Motley Crue fan. I remember my friend Brian and I were huge Crueheads and his uncle agreed to take us to the show. I remember it like it was yesterday. We walked in while Whitesnake was playing "Children of the Night" off of their hit self-titled CD. The smell of marijuana hit my nostrils for the first time, a smell I would also fall in love with. After a brief intermission, my heroes hit the stage with "All In the Name Of...." from their brand new Girls, Girls, Girls album. They sounded amazing! I was in heaven as they ran through a set list of their classic songs as well as new ones leading into an amazing drum solo by drummer Tommy Lee. I've never seen anything like this in my life. My life was changed forever and I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Unfortunately, it didn't go as planned as I sit here in my office writing stories for your entertainment. 

     My point in telling you about my first show at the Brendan Byrne Arena was to give you an example of what that arena means to me. That was the first of many Motley Crue concerts near home for me, as well as many concerts in general. I remember, my friend Brian and I went to another show in 1989 at "The Arena" to see Bon Jovi on his New Jersey tour, but it was the opening act that really impressed both of us. It was the first time, we experienced the most charismatic front man I've ever seen in a rock band and his name was Sebastian Bach. The band was Skid Row and that night, me and Brian became the "Youth Gone Wild". Next to Motley Crue, Skid Row became our new favorite band! Then in 1991, I remembered going to see another show in the parking lot of "The Arena", where Skid Row was headlining in support of their Slave to the Grind record and their opening act blew me away! It was a band called Pantera and they had just released a record called Cowboys from Hell and this is where my love affair began with Phil Anselmo, Rex Brown and The Abbott brothers, Vinnie and Dime. Basically, Brendan Byrne Arena was where I discovered my music! 

      The Arena wasn't only a concert venue back then. I've been to many Devils games and Nets games at the arena, as well. I mostly went to Nets games because as a huge Knicks fan, it was easier to get tickets here in Jersey than the Garden at the time and it was closer to home. Plus, how many Chinese dudes did you really see at hockey games? We loved our basketball, though! In 1996, the Brendan Byrne Arena would become the Continental Airlines Arena. It didn't matter. I still continued going to sporting events and concerts at this newly named arena. Another life changing event for me at the Continental Airlines Arena in 2001 happened right after I had been laid off from the famed Z100. I ran into Morning Show competitor from WKTU, Goumba Johnny at a Nets game, which happened to be one of my last parting gifts from Z100. I went up to Goumba to say hi because I remembered Elvis (Duran) telling us one morning that one night our whole morning show went to some comedy show in NYC and KTU was there and apparently Goumba was upset that no one said hi to him while we were at this comedy show. So, this time I made it a point to say hi and introduce myself. Johnny, who was talking to fans at the time, stopped and said, "Yeah, I know who you are!" We spoke for a few minutes and he gave me his email address and told me they were looking for a producer. Within 2 weeks, I became the new producer of "Baltazar and Goumba Johnny in the Morning" for the next 5 years. Yes, this all happened at the Continental Airlines Arena!

     Some of my most memorable moments at "The Arena"; topping the list has to be when I was part of the Z-Morning Zoo during their famed Jingle Ball and Zootopia events and being introduced on stage as part of the Morning Show. I was up on a stage where I've seen many of my favorite bands perform while people cheered when Elvis introduced me as "The Chinese Guy from the Back! That was an amazing moment! Besides the list of shows that I went to my other memorable moment was going to WWE events at "The Arena". I remember sitting second row ringside at King of the Ring and being on TV a bunch of times while friends kept calling me and asking me if I was at this pay-per-view. That was a lot of fun too! 

     I can't say that I've ever been in "The Arena" when they became the Izod Center, but when the Devils moved over to the Prudential Center in Newark and the Nets moving to Brooklyn's Barclay's Center, there really wasn't any reason to go to my old friend anymore. Concerts booked there became a minimum and in January, they decided to close the doors of "The Arena" for good due to a projected loss of revenue for this year. Last night, marked the end of another piece of my youth, but the memories will always be there. The memories of parking on side streets and walking in the cold to get to "The Arena" so we didn't have to pay for parking. I will miss this venue, but like I said, we'll always have the memories. With that, I say, "Good-bye, Brendan Byrne, Continental, Izon Arena."         

UGLY PEOPLE NEED NOT APPLY

     So, I was on this dating website and I received this message saying, "It's for the betterment of beautiful people around the globe." Then I got kicked off. Okay, before I get into trouble with my wife, I'm only kidding! I was not on any dating website, but this did happen to 3,000 members of an exclusive international dating website on Thursday. They sent a message saying "It's for the betterment of beautiful people around the globe" to more than 3,000 members they gave the boot to for "letting themselves go."

     BeautifulPeople.com's co-owener Genevieve Hodge said in a statement, "This may sound harsh, and it is the most difficult part of managing the business. We take no pleasure in removing members, but it is a necessary evil in order to maintain the beautiful community and our prized business model." Here's the funny thing; most of the "former beauties" that were sent packing were from the U.S.

     Reasons for their immediate removal were weight and what they called "graceless aging," according to Genevieve's husband and co-owner, Greg Hodge. He said, "Letting unattractive people populate the site would compromise the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded." I guess he's right. I mean, why call it BeautifulPeople.com if you're going to allow frumpy looking people use the site? 

     The free website, which boasts more than 80,000 users, first launched in Denmark 2002 and took off in the U.S. and U.K. in 2005. The site prides itself on being a network for "REAL beautiful people who actually look in real life as they do online." Well, that's what their tagline on their website says anyway. Apparently, stunners can only gain access to the site if their good-looking peers vote them in base on photos and short profiles. 

     The recent rejects were told in a ruthless email to "try their luck" on a dating site for "ordinary people." The message also encourage them to reapply "when they are back to looking their best." BeautifulPeople.com said free mentoring from volunteer beauty experts would be available to those who wanted to rejoin. So...What do I think about this? I think Genevieve and Greg Hodge can take their little website and 80,000 insecure users and shove it up their uptight asses! I feel bad for the 3,000 people who were rejected. Who the hell are these Hodges to tell someone they are ugly? To me, a "beautiful person" is someone who is beautiful on the outside as well as the inside. If you ask me, Genevieve and Greg Hodge, should delete themselves as well because they are pretentious people who are ugly on the inside and the site is supposed to be for "beautiful people." This is why I really can't stand people in general! So, have a great weekend everybody!

BIG PENIS, BIG PROBLEM

     I'm not sure why I find this story so funny. Maybe it's because I can relate? Who am I kidding? I can't relate, but this story is totally ridiculous. 

     Okay, so a Nigerian man's huge penis proved to be the deal breaker for his new bride, who described sex with him as "a nightmare." According to Nigeria's Tribune, the woman's request for an annulment to her one-week-old marriage sparked laughter in a Zamfara courtroom once she explained her shocking reason, but Aisha Dannupawa, a previously married mother of three, said the matter was anything but funny. Um, yes it is! Does this woman expect us to believe that her husband's penis was bigger than a baby? I mean, she's the mother of three! I've never birthed a child before, but my sister has four children and said the fourth one pretty much slid out on her own. This lady was the mother of three children, but giant penis was "a nightmare" for her? I'm not buying it. There has to be more to this story!

     Dannupawa claims of her sexual relations with Ali Maizinari, "When he came over, we had sex but the experience was a nightmare. Instead of enjoying the sex, it turned out to be something else because his penis was too big." Says the woman who popped out three children from the same vagina. She went on to say that he mother gave her medication after their first painful attempt at intimacy, but the second time they tried to have intercourse, she decided to never do it again. Here's the problem I have with this story; did she not have sex with him before they got married? If she did have sex with Maizinari before they wedded, why would you marry him knowing that his penis was a "BIG" problem? I mean even if you didn't have sex before marriage, how can you not know about his "BIG" problem until after the big day? It makes no sense.

     The husband, Maizinari, who did not deny his girth, told the court that he'd be willing to dissolve their marriage if she returned the dowry he had paid, as well as the money spent on courting her. He estimated that he paid 60,000 Nigerian Naira or about $300 USD. Damn! Nigerian women are not expensive dates at all! How long did this guy court her for? A week? This story is getting a little out of hand now. Maybe I have read up on my Nigerian wedding customs, but it doesn't sound like this couple spent any time together before they even took it to the next level. The court asked the couple to try to reconcile one last time before their next appearance in the courtroom. I have to be honest, this woman must be the laughing stock in her community. I know women say that size doesn't matter, but this woman just made her soon-to-be ex-husband a star in their community! Every single women in the Zamfara community will be going after Ali and his Long Duck Dong!     

MOUNT EVER-POOP

     I've decided to take a break from discussing new sex toys today to talk about my other favorite topic...Poop! Most of you who have read a book or a magazine or even paid attention in school will know what famous mountain top this is. Yes, it's Mount Everest! Apparently with all of the climbers that climb the famous mountain, comes human waste and it's become a problem.

     Yes, human waste left by climbers on Mount Everest has become a problem causing pollution and threatening to spread disease on the world's highest peak and trust me, that's the last thing Nepal needs. More than 700 climbers and guides, who spend nearly two months on Everest's slopes each climbing season, allegedly, leave large amounts of feces and urine and the issue has never been addressed. According to the chief of Nepal's mountaineering association, Ang Tshering, Nepal's government needs to get climbers to dispose of their waste properly so the mountain can remain pristine. Um, it's a mountain. When you have to go, you have to go, right? Unless they start putting port-a-john's on Mount Everest, which would probably be a bad idea due to avalanches. 

     Hundreds of foreign climbers attempt to scale Everest during Nepal's mountaineering season, which began this week and runs through May. Last year's season was canceled after 16 local guides were killed in an avalanche in April. See? Port-a-johns are a bad idea! Climbers spend weeks acclimatizing around the four camps set up between the base camp at 5,300 meters and 8,850 meters. The camps have tents and some essential equipment and supplies, but do not have toilets. Tshering said, "Climbers usually dig holes in the snow for their toilet use and leave the human waste there." Apparently, the waste has been "piling up" for years now between the four camps. 

     Dawa Steven Sherpa, who has been leading Everest expeditions since 2008, said some climbers carry disposable travel toilet bags to use in the higher camps. He said, "It's a health hazard and the issue needs to be addressed." The government imposed some new rules last year requiring each climber to bring down to base camp 18 pounds of trash. The amount it estimates a climber discards along the route. Climbing teams must leave a $4,000 deposit, which they lose if they don't comply with regulations.

     Mount Everest isn't the only mountain with this problem. The human waste problem also happens at Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa. Now, can you imagine how bad that smells in the African heat? One idea I have for climbers is bring those doggie poop bags up with you pick up after yourself the way you pick up after your dog! I swear people are animals! I mean I get the fact that when you have to go, you have to go. Especially when you're climbing a majestic mountain like Everest, but it doesn't take much to clean up after yourself. It's so unsanitary and disgusting not to.   

THE SELFIE VIBRATOR

     Keeping up with this week's theme surrounding masturbation gadgets, today's gadget might be just as odd as powering up your phone using self-love. This new vibrator films the private part it pleasures. I guess that means the front or the back? If you know what I mean. 

     The SVAKOM company's "Gaga" model, which a British sex toy site says creates an "intimate selfie," hooks up with computers and mobile devices through their USB drives for real-time penetrating views on female masturbation. This is all according to the products listing on Lovehoney. The questions I have are why they chose the name "Gaga" for their product and can Lady Gaga sue them? And simply why would anyone want to see the inside of a woman's vagina (or anus, whichever you prefer)? Why can't we just enjoy the way it feels instead of seeing what it looks like inside? This is gross!

     A rep for Lovehoney said, "It allows users to get to know their body in its entirety thanks to the remarkably clear footage this camera captures thanks to its FaceTime compatibility, sharing the view with your lover couldn't be easier, whether you're sitting right next to each other or miles apart." Like I said, "Who the hell wants to see that?" Why can't I just enjoy a nice close-up of it? Why do I have to see the inside? The camera on the front end of the vibrator, which SVAKOM says comes in khaki, black or violet, comes equipped with LED lights to capture sections of the female anatomy normally only familiar to endoscope-bearing gynecologists. The six-speed masturbation tool has been fashioned as an "X-rated selfie stick."

     One reviewer wrote, "Wow, is all I can say! The camera is such good quality and the light around around the tip picks up everything....Be warned!" That reviewer is a sicko! Be warned about what? The yeast infection that the vibrator cam might find? Again, ew! The vibrator retails for about $185, but Lovehoney's website listed the adult toy as temporarily out of stock as of Monday night. What? Who the hell is buying this crap? I'd rather buy a watch that powers up your phone because you whack off too much than see the insides of a women's vagina! Listen, I'm sure many of you have beautiful vaginas, but do we really need to see the inside of it? I say thumbs down on this product!

If you feel that you really need to see a video check it out here: 




    

THE WANKBAND IS COMING.....LITERALLY!

     I really struggled in holding out all weekend to tell you about this amazing new gadget that my bud Dennis Cronin told me about late Friday. Let's just say the power is in your hands now, men! I introduce to you the "Wankband"! That's right! We've all shaken a fitness tracker or two in our lives to beat the system, right? Well, my favorite adult website Pornhub is developing a device that allows men to simultaneously save the planet and charge their phones by simply masturbating. 

     According to the XXX-rated website, the gadget, which is being called "Wankband," is strapped to the naughty user's wrist and generates electricity when it's moved in an up and down motion. The site claims to have the Earth's best interest in mind. A promotional video on the website says, "It's well-known how incredibly fast we run out of our natural resources and what's worse, how much they pollute in order to create energy. At Pornhub, we realize that by offering our users millions of hours of adult content. We are part of the problem. That's why we're going to show men how they can save the planet while doing what they do best."

     The creative cuff contains a valve with a small weight inside that generates and stores the electricity. It also comes equipped with a USB port on the side of it to power up laptops, phones, cameras and tablets. The clever ad also added, "Stop jacking off and start jacking on!" All I can say is that I wasted a lot of energy that past 20-30 years! I could've used that "Wackband" back when I was in my 20s. My parents would've never have had to pay for electricity ever! 

     It seems I'm not the only one to think that way because not surprisingly, the accessory has already quickly formed quite a fan base. @studmuffwstaken of N.J. tweeted on Saturday, "If anybody thinks the #Wankband isn't anything short of genius is obviously in denial." Another Twitter follower, @minibsez tweeted, "I can finally fulfill my dreams of becoming a power company! #wankband." See? I totally agree! 

     No word yet on when the "Wankband" hits the shelves because it's still currently in development. Officials say, the device will adapt "naturally to your routine, working during your most relaxed and self-gratifying moment of the day and give users a way to love the planet by loving themselves." That is brilliant! While the device is targeted primarily towards men, it's "100 percent unisex" and works just as well for women, too! Interested users can sign up for the beta testing on the Pornhub website. Meanwhile, don't be surprised if the clip has some unintended benefits, as well. All I know is that once I get one of these bad boys, my wife is going to wonder why everything in the house is constantly fully charged. That will be our little secret!

Check out the video for this new gadget here: