NEW WEDDING FAD

     With my upcoming December wedding date quickly approaching, I find myself in wedding planning hell with my beautiful fiancee. Then, I find this story and it makes all the pains of wedding planning hell go away. So, apparently, there is a new wedding trend that totally blows lifting the veil out of the water. The entire bridal party has allegedly started to lift their dresses and sticking their rumps out for a fun photo op with the photographer. It's almost like the duckface photo ops only with asses. I don't know about you, but this sounds like an awesome new trend to me! The only bad thing about our wedding party is that my sister is in the bridal party and that's something I may not want to see, but all of the other girls, let's see it! 

     There are at least a handful of photos circulating the Internet where the bridesmaids and the bride-to-be are all showing their asses. Some of the photos are so daring that they had to be blacked out. I have to say again that I am a bit intrigued by this new trend. There's no word yet whether this is an actual trend or just a few photos online that leaked out, but they are apparently calling it "Photo-Bummed."

     I have to tell you that this is pretty hilarious and with the sense of humor that me and my fiancee have, I can totally see this happening at our wedding. Then again, there are some pretty conservative people in our wedding party, so it may not happen, but can you imagine looking through someone's wedding album and then coming across a photo like this? It's just pure genius! 

TOTAL DOUCHEBAG RIGHT HERE!

     Some guys have strange ways of acting when their girlfriends turn them down for sex. I've heard of men beating their women, stabbing them and even killing them if they were refused sex. Hey guys! There are ways to avoid it! Buy that machine that I blogged about yesterday! Anyway, this douchebag in this picture, whose name I won't use other than "douchebag," from Missouri was spurned by his ex and took his frustration out on her small dog tossing the pup out of a third-floor window. Like I said..."douchebag!"

     Douchebag is being accused of throwing an 8-month-old puppy named Oliver to his death after its owner, Gabriel Ervie, rejected his sexual advances earlier that evening. According to police, Douchebag left a threatening message on Ervie's phone before he broke into her apartment. He said, "I'm about to f**k your life up forever!" Ervie and her family are obviously devastated by the loss and her mother Debbie said, "It hurts. I just want to hold him one more time and tell him it wasn't his fault." The elder Ervie said that her daughter was too distraught to comment about anything, but she's grateful that Gabriel wasn't home when Douchebag broke into her house late Saturday night. 

     The 23-year-old Douchebag allegedly kicked down the door of Ervie's apartment, where a neighbor saw him grab her maltipoo puppy and throw the dog over his head and out a hallway window. Douchebag then fled the scene. Springfield police fount the puppy lying lifeless on the walkway, 46 feet away from Ervie's apartment complex. Police later found and arrested Douchebag on the nearby Missouri State University campus. He's facing burglary and animal theft charges. He posted $15,000 bail and was released from jail this past Tuesday. WHAT? Dude! He took a life! $15,000 bail? That's all? Are you kidding me? This guy got away with murder. You know what they say about people who harm animals. They're the future serial killers of America. Look at this guy's face! He's a sicko and our judicial system decided to put him back on the street? Why? Just because your girl wouldn't have sex with you? Oh boo hoo! Get a box of Kleenex and a jar of Vaseline. Don't take it out on a poor defenseless puppy, you pussy! Douchebag here needs a beating and though, I don't condone violence on any level, I hope this guy gets the beating of a lifetime from an animal rights activist or maybe even thrown out of a third-floor window.

WHAT THE....AN AUTOMATIC SPERM EXTRACTOR?

     My friend Chuck sent this story to me on Facebook last night and I'm totally obsessed with it. All I could think was "Only in China can we see this!" Even though, I was really thinking, "How do I get one of these for my house for when my fiancee is not in the mood or has a headache? Wait till you read what I have here for you today. 

     So, a Chinese hospital in Nanjing, a capital of Jiangsu Province, has introduced a new machine that makes sperm donation even easier. They've created an automatic sperm extractor. That's right! Guys, we might never need to use our hands again! The Chinese have created a machine that will do it for you. Have they gone to far? Hell no!

     The effortless machine, which has been around for a few years now, features a massage pipe that can be adjusted to the height of the user. Since this was in China, I'm sure all of the machines were short and the massage pipes were small tubing. Something they will have to fix if they bring this machine to America. It's okay! I can say it since I'm of Chinese decent. Anyway, all the gentleman has to do is plug in the frequency, amplitude and temperature, then plug himself into the massage piping and they're off to the races. The machine is also fitted with a small screen for those feeling a little uninspired and can use a little coaxing. In other words; yes, you can watch porn while this machine is stroking your little ego! I have to say; whoever invented this was pure genius! 

     According to the director of the urology department of the hospital, the machine was designed to help individuals that are finding it difficult to retrieve sperm the old fashioned way with a jar of Vaseline, a few tissues and good ol' Mary and her five sisters. The director said, "We're not entirely convinced that standing in a room shared by many other people and being milked like a cow is going to help, but their efforts are commendable." Screw that! First of all, I would get this machine for private use for those lonely nights. I would not use this in a sperm bank. Second, just wow! Where has this machine been all my life? I might have to ask my fiancee for this as a wedding gift, though, I doubt that will go over too well. But it's not cheating because it's a machine, right?

     Take a look at this video. It will all make sense and you GUYS will be asking me where to get one: 

BE CAREFUL OF THOSE TWO-WAY ROADWAYS

     There were a few good stories to write about today, but for some reason this one really struck a chord with me. Maybe it's because I'm getting married in December and my fiancee wants to go on this elaborate trip for her bachelorette party or is it because down here in South Jersey, these dangerous roads are filled with two-lane roadways? It could be a combination of both. I do have to tell you that, as a future groom, this is one of the saddest stories I've ever read and I really felt for the groom and all families involved. 

    So, here's what happened; a Missouri woman was killed in a car crash last Friday on the way to her own bachelorette party. In fact, this photo is that last selfie that best friends, Collette Moreno and Ashley Theobald, took before Moreno was killed in the crash, which consisted of Theobald making a bad move causing them to collide head first with an oncoming car on the crest of a hill. Friends and family are still trying to come to terms with the tragic and unexpected loss. 

     Moreno and Theobald, both 26, were in high spirits on Friday afternoon as they traveled to the Lake of the Ozarks on Missouri Highway 5. They were listening to Taylor Swift in anticipation of Moreno's fun-filled bachelorette weekend. Theobald, who was driving a 2013 Chevy Malibu, even posted on Facebook about getting out of work early for the fun weekend ahead. About eight minutes before the crash, Moreno took this last, smiling selfie with her bestie since seventh grade. Theobald, who survived the crash, told police that they got stuck behind a truck that was emitting these fumes. Moreno, who suffered from asthma, was apparently bothered by the fumes and started coughing, so Theobald decided to try to pass the truck in the passing lane of the two-way roadway. Theobald thought the coast was clear and didn't realize they were coming onto a hill. Just as she was trying to pass, a 1999 Dodge Ram was driving right at her. Both cars tried to swerve away, but the Ram struck the Malibu's passenger side. Theobald and the driver of the Ram got away with minor injuries, but Moreno wasn't as lucky. She was rushed to University Hospital in Columbia, where she succumbed to her injuries and was pronounced dead. According to Theobald, both women were wearing their seatbelts. Theobald said, "I was talking to her. She couldn't talk back, but she was nodding at me. I didn't know it was as bad as it was because she wasn't physically super beaten-up." Um, that's because they're called internal injuries, you dummy! Theobald faces traffic charges and imprudent driving, but no criminal charges. What? How? She killed someone! Whether it was intentional or not, she was driving the vehicle that killed a bride-to-be, a daughter, a cousin, a sister and worst of all a mother. I think Theobald deserves some sort of punishment for taking a life.

     So is anyone in tears yet? No? Maybe this will help. Moreno was set to tie the knot with her fiancee, 28-year-old Jesse Arcobasso, on July 26 during a dream destination wedding in Jamaica. Acrobasso proposed to Moreno about a year ago through a caricature artist. As I just said, she also leaves behind a 5-year-old son, Brayden. A fundraising site has been set up to help pay for the future that Moreno wanted for her son, who Arcobasso says "doesn't quite understand everything yet." This is so sad. I know if this was me, I would be out for blood. How do they say it? Sangre Por Sangre? I know some of you would say it wasn't her fault, but Theobald was totally  to blame. Who goes into the passing lane without looking first? That was just dumb! If I was driving, I would have just pulled over until that truck pulled away or I would have closed the windows and used the circulation of the air inside the car. Sad to say, but this is just another example of the fact that girls should just not be allowed to drive. I'm sure I'll catch a a lot of flack for that quote, but it's true! And by the way, this is also sad because Moreno was really hot! So, I really feel for her fiancee. I would be pissed!

PUT DOWN THE E-CIG AND TRY AN E-JOINT!

     Yesterday, I received a few messages about the kid that was stuck in a vagina sculpture, which I found utterly hilarious and even joked that the kid can be named "The Rock." That story was a top candidate for this morning, but then I thought that most of you might have seen that story already. Then there was the story about the guy who got five years taken off of his prison sentence because he agreed to get a vasectomy. Trust me, he needed it since he fathered seven kids with six different mothers, but I'm not sure he deserved to have his sentence short for a vasectomy. But then I saw this story and my eyes lit up like the tip of this e-cig, or shall I say e-joint. Most of you who know me, know that I'm a huge advocate for the legalization of marijuana...Not that I've ever inhaled before. Just a huge supporter. Wink, wink! So, to me, seeing this story was huge! Only it's not what you think.

     Anyway, it turns out; a Dutch manufacturer has made the world's first electronic joint that lets users puff with ease. The company, E-Joint B.V., claims the e-Joint is completely harmless and contains no dangerous substances like nicotine, tobacco or even THC, which is the active chemical ingredient that makes marijuana so much fun....I mean that makes marijuana a dangerous drug. E-Joint CEO, Menno Contant says, "Holland is well-known in the world for its tolerant and liberal attitude towards soft drugs. The introduction of this new product clearly makes a statement." According to Contant, the e-Joint is 100 percent legal and vaporizes vegetable glycerine, propylene glycol and one of six biological flavors like watermelon, passion fruit, green apple and something called "sweet energy." I wonder if these ingredients also create the sweet smell of marijuana....I mean that horrible smell of marijuana. Also, if he wanted to stay true to the whole marijuana idea, that one flavor should not be "sweet energy" because you never become energetic after smoking a real joint.....Well, that's what my friend told me. 

     Contant claims that more than 10,000 of the eight-euro joints are sold every day across Europe. For soccer fans, there is also a disposable World Cup-themed e-Joint. Way to stay on top of pop culture! The sleek white e-Joints are not yet available for sale in the U.S., but they are available throughout the Netherlands and France, naturally. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet because in e-Cigs, there is a degree of nicotine in those products, right? Why wouldn't you put a little THC into this product? Would that make this illegal to use then? What if I had a card for it? Then can you put THC in it? Just wondering because this e-Joint really is a pretty product. Don't you think? They should get Cheech and Chong as their spokesperson if they really want to see sales boost!

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A STUDENT BODY!

     I'm really surprised that we don't see more of this happening. Then again, maybe it happens more than we know. I'm talking about what 21-year-old Katerina Christodoulou did recently. It turns out; she took out a $17,000 loan for school, but ended up spending the loan money on plastic surgery. Hey, who am I to judge? She looks fantastic! 

     English Literature graduate, Christodoulou maxed her school loan out on plastic surgery for her thighs, her butt, her hips and knees, while she had an ex-boyfriend buy her some new boobs. And now for good measure, the hot Brit is now considering a nose job. It doesn't stop there. She also has decided to pursue a career as a model. I don't think she'll have a problem in that department. The only problem is that normally when someone gets that much plastic surgery, they begin to look a little plastic. I have to admit that Christodoulou is not looking that plastic just yet. She actually looks really good. Why stop at being a model? Let us all see what schooling paid for and become an adult movie star? 

     Christodoulou admits that her original plan with her school loan was to put a deposit down on a house, but then decided why not use the money to make herself happy now. She also said, "I know some people might be surprised to hear that I spent my student loan on my body, but it was worth it for how I feel now." I don't know about you guys, but I'd like feel how she feels now! And what she did certainly makes my eyes happy for now! 

     Under British higher education laws, students take a load from the government, then pay it back within 25 years once they start earning more than $28,000 a year. If students are unable to pay back the loan after 25 years, the bill passes to the taxpayer. Well, that's not so fair! That's almost as bad as Obamacare. Regardless, has anyone else seen this girl's body? She'll get some sort of modeling contract sooner than later, whether it's an adult modeling contract or just a general one; she will get one. And when she does, she will be able to pay that school loan in one shot. It won't take 25 years for her to pay that loan back. That's unless she gets really selfish and uses her modeling pay for more plastic surgery, but if I was her, which I am not (because I'd be feeling myself up!), I would pay that loan back first! At any rate, let's just enjoy this student body as we see it, shall we?

DO YOU MISS YOUR EX THAT MUCH?

     Now, I've never used Match.com and with my upcoming nuptials, I doubt that I will ever need a site like that. I will, however, have to admit that Match.com is one of the most popular dating sites on the Internet with Ashley Madison coming in at a close second. Yes, that's the site that urges you to have an extramarital affair. Anyway, the reason that I bring Match.com up in today's blog is because I just read a story saying that the popular dating site is now offering an option that will help find you a date that looks just like your ex. Why would anyone want to do that?

     According to the story, soon certain Match.com members will be given the option of upgrading their account to include Three Day Rule's matchmaking service, which can help you find a a doppelganger of your former beau. The L.A. based company has clients send in photos of their exes and uses facial recognition technology to find lookalikes, but of course, everything comes with a price. A six-month Three Day Rule package costs around $5,000. Again, I ask why would anyone want to date their ex? I mean there was a break-up for a reason, right? Unless, you were the one who was dumped before you were ready to be dumped, but then again, if you were dumped, why would you still want to be with that person? I still don't understand the concept. 

    The hefty $5,000 price tag also includes in-person coaching from a professional matchmaker who may even go on screening dates with potential matches to make sure they are the real deal. Three Day Rule uses the technology to identify a person's type based on facial structure. Matches are then selected with appearance, personality, and interests in mind. One source says that Match.com users in L.A., San Francisco, New York and Chicago can join Three Day Rule's database for free and be paired with the service's clients, but those want a matchmaker to find them a compatible man or woman who also resembles their ex needs to pay for a membership. If you ask me, which I'm sure that your not, it's not worth it! Exes are exes for a reason. Why would you ever want to go back and date them again? In hopes of finding a better version of them? Screw that! Move on and find someone who you are more compatible with. Finding someone who looks like an ex just equals more trouble for you and at the end of the day, you spent $5,000 to find them. Big thumbs down on this one!