CREAM IN YOUR COFFEE?

     My God brother really knows me. You know how? Because he texted me this story yesterday while I was drinking my coffee and it literally made me gag after I took my first sip. So, thank you, Derek, for ruining my coffee yesterday. 

     Now, it's my turn to ruin your morning coffee! This is 38-year-old Lewis Williams from Newark, NJ, who spent the last four years working as the personal assistant of Ms. Linda Moore, an executive president of the DANCO engineering firm. Among Williams's tasks as Ms. Moore's assistant, he was to take her phone calls, set her schedule and bring her a cup of coffee to her desk every day when she arrived at the office. 

     After a dispute with his boss the other morning, Williams admitted in front of dozens of co-workers, that he'd ejaculated in her coffee "hundreds of times" over the last four years. According to Brian Little, an intern who witnessed the entire scene, Williams showed no remorse while he confessed his crime. Little continued, "He almost looked proud when he told her: 'I've been eating your shit for four years, but all this time, you've been drinking my cum!' He then smiled and explained everything."

     The angered employee explained that he had been putting "extra cream" in Ms. Moore's coffee, five days a week and over many years. After his confession, his colleagues called the police and Williams was arrested on site. A total of 910 criminal charges have been filed against him, including 860 charges of sexual assault. If found guilty on all charges, he could face up to 1,070 years in prison. Come on now. Who lives over a thousand years? 

     Williams's motivations when he committed his crimes remain unclear, but there seemed to have been some serious animosity between him and his boss. Some of his colleagues have told reporters that he was deeply misogynic and found it humiliating to take orders from a woman all day. Other employees, however, have suggested that Moore was often "aggressive, dominating and verbally abusive" with the accused and may have acted as some sort of "self-defense."

     I mean I'm all about revenge, but shooting your man juice into her coffee is just disgusting. I mean report her to your human resources department if she was mistreating you. There is no reason to take matters into your own hands....literally! Extra cream in my coffee will never have the same meaning. This is why I treat employees under me with respect and hilarity.