Sometimes, the 12-year-old boy comes out of me in my writing....Ok, ok! The 12-year-old boy is out all the time! When it comes to a story like this, though, how can you blame me?
So, a man who stole gold "pucks" from the Royal Canadian Mint by hiding them up his rectum to evade metal detectors has been sentenced to 30 months in prison. That's all? Rectum?....Damn near killed him! Come on! Someone had to say it! Anyway, Leston Lawrence was convicted of theft in November by Ontario Court judge, here we go.....Peter Doody, who noted in his ruling the case was based on circumstantial evidence. Judge Doody!
Judge Doody said a penitentiary term was needed to deter others. Lawrence's lawyer had argued for an 18-month sentence. At trial, Judge Doody noted there was no video of Lawrence stealing the gold, and there were no witnesses. Is it kind of weird that Judge Doody wanted to see video evidence of Lawrence shoving the gold up his ass?
Court heard that Lawrence, whose job at the mint involved purifying recently procured gold, sometimes worked alone and out of sight of security cameras in a process that involved creating the pucks. Lawrence worked at the mint from 2008 until March 2015.
Lawrence aroused suspicion in a bank employee in February 2015 when he asked to cash two checks worth $15,200 from Ottawa Gold Buyers. Lawrence told the teller that he had sold "gold nuggets" when she asked what the money was for, according to court records. The bank then tipped off police, who then put Lawrence under surveillance. I'm sure there was a smarter way to cash those two checks. And why was the bank being so nosy?
According to Judge Doody's ruling, Lawrence set off the metal detector more often than any other mint employee without metal implants, but follow-up searches with hand wands never discovered the smuggled gold hidden in his anus. Police eventually seized a gold puck that Lawrence had sold and found four more in his safety deposit box. Vaseline and latex gloves were later found in Lawrence's locker, which Judge Doody (yes, I love saying his name) said, "Could have been used to facilitate insertion of gold items inside his rectum." Only a man with the name of "Doody" can come up with a conclusion like that!
Judge Doody ruled Lawrence had stolen 22 gold pucks from the mint, which is worth $165,451.14. I have to be honest, I could care less about Lawrence and what he stole. I wrote this story because you had a judge named "Doody," who had to try a case about a man shoving gold pucks up his ass! These stories don't write themselves! You just need me to tell them to you!