HE WAS KIDNAPPED, RAPED BY WOMAN, AND STONED....BOO HOO!

I'm sorry; I found this story absolutely comical! I was going to write about a teenager, who was forced by her adopted mother to be artificially inseminated to have a child for her, but the girl was 16 and in most parts of this country, having a kid at 16 years of age is really no big deal. Being kidnapped and raped by a woman in Zimbabwe is, however, very newsworthy!

It turns out; a Zimbabwe soldier was kidnapped and repeatedly raped by a gang of women for four days before being dumped on a remote mountain range and stoned. According to police in Zimbabwe, the 25-year-old was willingly picked up by two women and man in a Mercedes, who offered him a ride to the Zimbabwean city of Mutare, but after driving in the right direction for about an hour, the driver suddenly took a turn in a different direction, threatening his victim with a knife to the throat to keep quiet. One of the female passengers then blindfolded him with a black cloth. The gang, who is yet to be caught, took the man to a house, where they stole $35 cash and his cell phone before stripping him naked. Over the next four days, he was forced to be intimate with the women several times. Yes, they got violent with him when he refused, which in a weird way does make this rape. I don't think rape in general is funny but this particular scenario to me was amusing. Can't you picture a naked Zimbabwe soldier fighting off women and saying, "Get off of me, don't put that in your mouth!" or "Don't stick that in there!" I find it extremely hard to believe he was forced to have sex with them. Then again, I have no idea what these women looked like. 

After the four-day-rape fest, the gang again blindfolded, the soldier and took him to the Dangamvura Mountains, where they threw rocks at his feet, which back in the day was known as stoning, a form of capital punishment whereby a group throws stones at a person until they died. In this instance, the soldier didn't die from the stones being thrown at his feet, but the rapists did drive off leaving him for dead. The soldier eventually managed to make his way to the Sakubva Police Station to report his sordid ordeal. You know what I think? He should've just shut up and taken the free sex for four days! After all, it only cost him $35, a cell phone and a stoning! In some countries, a four-day sex fest would cost way more than that!

HERE WE GO AGAIN.....SEXTING HER STUDENTS

Since my blog readers love these stories so much, how can I let you down? I don't know about you, but I'm still trying to figure out where all these horny teachers were hiding when I was in high school? All I remember is having these old women and men teaching us. Where were these hot young teachers looking for younger men? This is 27-year-old Cara Alexander, who was a high school teacher in Newport News, Virginia. She was recently busted for sexting a former student after his parents found nude photos of her on his cell phone. That's right! Nude photos of this girl! I would need to see proof! I don't believe this girl would do a thing like that. 

Alexander, an English teacher at Woodside High School in Newport News, VA, was arrested on Friday and charged with several offenses, including contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The 17-year-old student, who was caught with the nude photos, told his parents that he was in a relationship with Alexander, a full-time ninth-grade teacher at the high school since 2010. The student now attends a different school, according to a Newport News Public Schools official. 

It's not known how long Alexander had been allegedly sexting the teen, although the two are not believed to have engaged in any inappropriate activity on school grounds. Does that make it okay then? On school grounds or not, Alexander still had some sort of relation with an underage kid. Then again, why would this kid show his parents a picture of his nude teacher? What an idiot! Even if they found it on accident, he's old enough to bury that sort of stuff on another hard drive or something. With all of these stories coming out about teachers banging their students, the one thing that I don't get is if these boys are getting all of this action, wouldn't they want to be more discreet about it so they can keep getting this action from the older women? I just don't get kids today. I would've kept my affair with my teacher on the down-low unless she was going to fail me, but if I was giving it to her good, I doubt she would be failing me anyway. Are the boys in high school just that dumb and naive? 

The district plans to ask the state to revoke Alexander's teaching license. Some of the parents were said to be stunned by the allegations saying that Alexander was a very nice teacher and they're child had a great time in her class. Alexander remains in a Newport City Jail with no bond set just yet. One other thing I can't seem to understand either is that Alexander is not a bad looking girl. Was she having problems finding guys her own age? Or was this 17-year-old boy that good-looking that she didn't even care about age? I still need to see the pictures as proof that this really even happened!

AND YOU WONDER WHY WE DON'T GET A DOGGY DOOR......

One question when you have a dog is "should we install a doggy door?" I always felt "no" was the right answer because yes, you're allowing your little buddy to relieve themselves whenever they want, but you're also welcoming other unwanted vermin into your home like raccoons, skunks, possums, and humans. Yes, I said humans! This is 25-year-old Sara Elizabeth Soto. She recently got busted for misdemeanor criminal trespass and criminal mischief because she broke into someone's house naked through their doggy door and was found by the homeowners sitting in their bathtub with nothing on by a smile. Are you creeped out yet? 

Soto was busted hiding out in all her glory at 1:45 a.m. in the Weatherford, Texas home bathroom this past Tuesday morning. When police asked her why she was naked, she just told them she honestly didn't believe she had done anything wrong. Yeah, maybe if you broke into a single guy's home butt naked, you didn't do anything wrong. You would've been considered a gift from God at that point. I mean, you have to admit, Soto isn't exactly ugly! I would really have to see photos of her naked in the tub to actually assess if she did anything wrong. 

According to one local news channel, the married couple who lives at the residence were left a little spooked when they heard a noise, so they inspected the doggy door for the pooch they don't even own and assumed that some sort of animal tried to enter their home. Wait a minute! What the hell? This couple has a doggy door, but they don't even have a dog? How stupid is that? Unless, they did have a dog and it's recently deceased. Otherwise, what a couple of idiots for having a doggy door with no doggy! Shame on them! Anyway, back to the story, what they did find was a black dress on their back porch, which led to a call to the police. Then they made the shocking discovery of a naked 4-foot-11, 110 pound Soto sitting inside their tub. 

The story didn't explain if Soto had a motive or not, like a fatal attraction sort of thing or if this was just a random house that she broke into. Also, has anyone thought about the fact that maybe Soto is a werewolf? Maybe her clothes were off because that's what happens when your turn into a werewolf and as a werewolf, she went through the doggy door and was scared so she ran into a tub where she turned back into her human form when she was discovered. Do I watch too much TV? Come on, though! Does my version really sound that farfetched? Like I said, you have to be aware of that doggy door!

THE DIRTY DENTIST

After reading this story, I'm still on the fence with it, but let's see what you think. So, this is 62-year-old Bedros Yavru-Sakuk...Okay I'm not attempting that again. For now we'll call him Dr. X. Anyway, he's a dentist from my old stomping grounds in Queens, NY, and he's being accused of rubbing his elbow on the crotch of a 19-year-old patient during two appointments last year and this month. Here's where the problem lies; the teen videotaped the alleged grope and turned the video over to the police. Now, I haven't seen the video footage, but grazing an elbow over one's crotch doesn't constitute groping. This is where I'm on the fence about this and might even be on the dentist's side. I mean, I guess when you’re working on teeth, your elbow should be nowhere near a patient's crotch, but what if it was and it happened on accident? It's not like he used his hand and fully groped her crotch. 

The definition for the word "Grope" is to feel about or search blindly or uncertainly with the hands. Keyword there is "with the hands", right? Not "with the elbows." Besides, who gropes with their elbows? "Oooo, let me rub her crotch with my elbows!" If I'm going to get into trouble for it, you can bet your bottom dollar, I'm putting her under the gas and going all in! Um, that's why I'm not a dentist! Sorry, I fell off the tracks there for a second. So, the criminal complaint claims that he first molested her last September. When she returned for her six-month checkup two weeks ago at his Rego Park office, she was ready for him with a small, key-sized video camera hidden in her hand. I have a question, if he supposedly molested her back in September, why didn't she say anything? I mean, if someone molested me, which I wouldn't mind about, I wouldn't have waited for them to do it a second time to report him. Something smells fishy here. 

 

Dr. X has been charged with third-degree sexual abuse and faces up to three months in jail if convicted. He was arraigned and released this past Monday. Back in 1999, he was convicted of pulling the same stunt on a 17-year-old girl and got a year's probation and even lost his license for nine months in that case. Like I said, I haven't seen the video footage, but unless he dug his elbow into her crotch blatantly, then how is this even a case? I guess the only person who can make this call is the judge or the jury who gets to see this alleged videotape. It sounds me, though, that this girl had it out for this particular dentist for some reason because I'm still finding it hard to believe that she didn't report him the first time that he allegedly molested her. Maybe she thought that no one would believe her without evidence, but let me tell you something; if you're a teenager and you tell the cops that someone molested you, they would never take that lightly and this dentist would have been investigated right away. So, the fact that she waited to report anything smells a little fishy for my taste. And the rubbing of the elbow on the crotch? I'd need to see video to make that call. If the police arrested him, it must have been pretty bad, but I'm still siding with the dentist on this one. 

SHE SQUEEZED THEM TO DEATH!!!

I so wanted to write about that Romney intern who was arrested for coaxing over 15 women to email him nude photos of themselves and then using the to blackmail them for more nude photos of them. There is so much comedy right there, but then this story came up and it made me sick to my stomach! To all my male friends, I'm giving you the warning now that you don't have to read forward if you don't want to. Let's just say, the photo is a big hint on what the story is about. 

So, apparently, a 42-year-old woman is on trial for allegedly grabbing a man's testicles after he told her not to park her electric bike in front of his store. Now, this wasn't just a normal grab. She squeezed and crushed those poor little balls and the man later died from shock. Um, ow! First of all, what the hell is an electric bike? Is that another word for a scooter or a moped? Second of all, wouldn't a nice kick in the nuts have sufficed? Why did this woman have to go to extremes and squeeze them until she crushed them? Who does that other than someone so evil!

According to witnesses, as she called on her brother and husband for back -up, she yelled at the man, "I'll squeeze it to death, you'll never have children again!" The 41-year-old victim went into a state of shock as his boys were being crushed and died before paramedics could even treat him. The incident happened a little more than a year ago in the Meilan District of Haikou City, Hainan. Don't worry, I had to Google it too; It's in China! You would think I would've known that. Anyway, that makes this story even worse! How did she even find his balls? Just kidding! The woman goes to trial this week and could face the death penalty if convicted. The final outcome depends largely on the interpretation of the woman's statement of "squeeze it to death."

A urologist and director of San Diego Sexual Medicine has said that it's quite possible for that squeeze to have killed the man. He said, "The testicles are exquisitely sensitive to touch and there is a huge release of adrenaline when there is excessive force applied to these organs." He also added that it could have even brought on a heart attack. I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't have written this blog. Women who read this might actually get the upper hand now and literally have us by the balls!

TOO FAT TO TAN

First airlines are telling us we're too fat to fly, so we have to buy an extra seat and now tanning salons are telling us we're too fat to tan? That's what happened to Kelly McGrevey of Ohio. She went to a place called Aloha Tanning in Norton, Ohio because she wanted to get some color and get rid of her winter pale skin last Tuesday when a staff member told her that the beds wouldn't take her weight. I'm sorry, after reading what I just wrote; I accidentally spit my cereal all over the computer monitor! I have to admit, that takes a lot of balls to tell an overweight women that the tanning bed would not be able to hold her weight! Unbelievable! Why didn't they just tell the bed wouldn't be able to close either because she was so fat? I mean that's the same thing, right?

McGrevey said that it left her "humiliated" and "embarrassed" and asking for the $70 she'd spent just the previous day on the month-long tanning package to be refunded, but owner Justin Hileman supposedly refused and said that she should instead "dispute the charge with her credit card company." Wait a minute! How did they allow her to charge a month long package knowing full well that she was overweight and couldn't fit on a tanning bed? Something sounds fishy! According to one report, McGrevey took a tour of the salon last Monday and after getting a tan in a stand-up booth, she decided to purchase the special extended deal. I guess they just assumed she would use the stand-up bed for the rest of the month, which I guess makes sense.

Here's where the problem lies; McGrevey came back the next day only to be told the stand-up booth was broken. When she suggested that she just use the bed then, that's when all hell broke loose and she was told that she couldn't because she was too big. She said, "He told me, 'Sorry, but I'm not going to let you tan today because we've just implemented a new policy anyone over 230 pounds can't go in one of our beds.' I was just so shocked and embarrassed and humiliated." McGrevey called the police and filed a report against Hileman. She also demanded to see the salon's official policy book, but of course, he refused. She says that she just wanted her money back because she does not want to have to see his face for another 30 days. 

Here's my take on this whole mess; Justin Hileman should just refund her money. Dude, its $70! Is your business hurting that much that you can't refund $70? As for McGrevey, I would do my best to lose a crap load of weight, walk back into that place looking hot as hell and then make it sound like you were going to buy a year's worth of tanning and then tell them forget it because their tanning beds were too dirty or something like that. Either way, once this story really gets out there, I doubt Mr. Hileman will be in business much longer anyway. There are a lot of fat people in Ohio!