THE NAME GAME

     You don't know this woman. Heck, I don't even know this woman. The question is really, does this woman really know this woman? It turns out; she gave the police a fake name, but the name that she gave was that of a person, who has committed some serious crimes....Oops!

     Boston transit police were slapping Tina Lunn with a citation for smoking in a non-smoking area, when she allegedly tried to avoid any penalties by giving a fake name and birth date. However, there was an arrest warrant out for the person with the name that Lunn gave police. Here's what I don't get; an officer won't only ask for your name. They usually ask for a form of ID. How was she able to just tell them a fake name unless she had a fake ID to back it up. 

     Anyway, although the officer informed Lunn about the arrest warrant, she still didn't reveal that she'd given a fake name. In fact, she went through with the entire booking process using her new assumed name. Um, why the hell would you do that unless you were just a moron. Eventually, police discovered Lunn's real identity. Officers did they that they also discovered that Lunn had several warrants out under her real name, including three counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, kidnapping, larceny, and illegal possession of chemical mace. She was later booked under her real name and charged with brandishing a false name. Oh, yeah; she was also given a citation for the smoking as well. 

     I mean it makes sense as to why she gave a fake name, but when they told you there were warrants out for your arrest, then you should've made up another one since it seemed that they weren't checking IDs. The thing that baffles me is that this was all over a smoking citation. She was smoking in an area that she wasn't allowed to be smoking in. Does anyone remember the days when you were able to smoke anywhere from bars to restaurants to movies to even sporting events. The problem that I still have with this story is that the police never asked her for her ID. Then again, they were only transit cops. 

COOKING WITH CONDOMS

     I love food as much as the next guy, but with Japan creating some crazy stuff, I'm not sure that I will be partaking in any Japanese cuisine if I ever go to Japan. First, a couple of weeks ago, Burger King Japan released a Black Ninja burger, where the burger and the cheese were black. Um, not so appetizing. Today, I read that there is a new cookbook to be released in Japan using condoms as a cooking utensil. I mean, who doesn't like to practice safe sex. I don't need to make dinner with it! 

     In order to raise awareness of safe-sex practices, a Japanese blogger and a manga writer (comic book writer) joined forces to produce the most facetious cookbook to hit your Kindle, "Tsukutte Agetai Condomu Gohan," which translates to "Condom Meals I Want to Make For You." Yes, condom meals. If I'm not mistaken, don't condoms come with spermicide and lubricants on them? That's pretty gross. Anyway, the book is an e-book of 11 recipes, that have yet to be tested, including "Condom Meat Stuffing", "Condom Cookies", and "Condom Escargot Cooked with Butter." Yeah, that sounds appetizing. If you're a hooker! 

      It's a condom-as-a-cooking-utensil cookbook, not as an ingredient. Just wanted to mention that before any of you rushed out to put condoms in your Ramen noodles. The book was published at a time when the spread of STDs, especially HIV, is expected to rise in Japan because of a societal misunderstanding of sexual health. I'm guessing that means the 70s are coming back. Free love for every one! According to an article published in the Journal of Japan Medical Association titled "Sexual Practices And the Risks for HIV/STD Infection of Youth In Japan," sexual activity among Japanese youth has increased since 2000. So has abortion rates in teenagers and gonorrhea and chlamydia cases. Oh, in that case, cooking with condoms is a brilliant idea! Are these people crazy? How about teaching the youth about the use of condoms and how they can protect you from STDs. Cooking with them, doesn't make kids aware that they are used to protect you. Cooking with them shows that you can make food with them. Then, again this could be the author's unique way of putting safe sex on the tip of everyone's tongue....Get it? On the tip of everyone's tongue? 

     If you feel so inclined, the e-book is available on Amazon Kindle (in Japanese), at $2.99. That's if you really want to learn how to make "Condom Meat Stuffing" or "Condom Escargot Cooked with Butter." Then again, if you'd rather read about shitting accidents, just purchase my book "S**t Happens" on Amazon Kindle. It's much more entertaining!

HOT BUNS....MORE THAN JUST A BURGER JOINT

     I'm sure that we can all agree that when it comes to advertising, sex sells. Should that concept of sex selling apply to food? I'm not sure it should, but let's take a look at what they think in Copenhagen, Denmark. Apparently, a burger joint in the lovely European city is now selling sex toys with its hamburgers. Yes, I said sex toys. It wasn't bad enough that Burger King Japan was making black cheeseburgers. Now, you buy a burger and get a dildo. What is this world coming to? 

     Starting today, the burger joint, Hot Buns is adding dildos, vibrators, whips, and other sex-oriented products to the menu. First of all, Hot Buns? According to its proprietor, it's a natural fit, considering the restaurant puts as much emphasis on the tank top and hot pants worn by its all-female staff as it does on the burgers. The restaurant's Instagram page even posts cleavage shots of employees and invites followers to guess which waitress it is. I'm starting to feel like this is my type of place. 

     Hot Buns owner, Mathias Kaer says the sex toys will only be available in evening hours. This nutcase actually believes he might be onto something. He said, "On Friday and Saturday nights there are only two things most people want: sex and food. We're combining them both." I must be getting old because the only thing I want on Friday and Saturday nights these days is food and sleep. 

     Kaer might see an opportunity to make money, but he's also trying to win over those who believe his business model is a tad bit sexist. When Hot Buns opened back in March, Danish politician Camilla Schwalbe admitted to having a "beef" with the restaurant's use of sex to sell burgers. Then again, of course, she had a "beef" with it. She's a woman! Find me a male politician with a problem with Hot Buns. Schwalbe said, "Fast food normally makes you feel guilty, but this burger should make people feel extra guilty and leave a bad taste in the mouth." Anyway...

     In order to get the sex toy giveaway off to a banging start, Hot Buns plans to hand out free cock rings to the first ten male customers while the first ten women will each get vibrators. I have to admit; they really know how to party out in Europe. This will never fly in the U.S. Then again, I'm not sure that it should. Sex toys and burgers just don't go together. Maybe hot pants and burgers do, but a dildo served with my burger? No so much!

VAGINA COOKIES!!!!

     My friend Brendan, also known as Golden Rod, knows what kind of sick and warped mind I have. So, yesterday morning, Brendan texted me this awesome story about a mother who baked vagina cookies for her second grader's class, but freaks out when the teacher says NO to them. By the way, yes, I said vagina cookies! Just look at them. They look amazing! I heard the only way to eat these cookies is by licking them. Okay, I made that part up and should be spanked for that. 

     Anyway, the story is about a woman who wanted to teach her second grader that vaginas come in all shapes, colors and sizes. Some might say this is also a story of questionable parenting. I'm sorry, every time that I try to continue writing, I get distracted by these colorful vagina cookies. So, back to the story; Autumn (not her real name) looking to empower female children, signed up to bring baked goods into her child's second grade class. When Autumn (not her real name) arrived, tray in hand, the teacher noticed that every single cookie was shaped like a vagina. The teacher noted that every kind of vagina was represented, including "small, puffy, white, brown, shaved, bald and even a fire crotch." They were all frosted accordingly. Sorry, I'm still a little distracted and to be honest, a little aroused. 

     When the teacher told Autumn (you get it by now) that the cookies were inappropriate, the mother began yelling about the importance of young children learning about sexuality. Autumn left the cookies and stormed out. Now, I'm not sure that second grade is the time for children to learn about sexuality, but that's just me. Then again, I learned about it by sneaking into my uncle's closets and reading their Playboys and Penthouses, but like I said, that's just me. 

     Later that night, the teacher received an email rant that may go down in history as one of the most anti-feminist pieces ever written. I guess you have to read it to believe it, especially the part where Autumn wishes domestic violence on the teacher. No word on how Autumn was dealt with, but here are a couple of excerpts from Autumn's email, so you get an idea how epic it was: 

     --"You are one of the most closed minded women I know. You settled for less when you became a teacher because that is known for a women's job. Why teaching because you are a woman?"

     ---"We as women should stand together and inform people about the vagina and how to please it. I will no longer be participating on Fridays due to the lack of respect I was shown today. We should celebrate the vagina not be embarrassed by it."

     --"I will be taking my child out of your class due to your cliche role in life in being a teacher and not wanting to empower women. I hope you end up with an abusive husband that beats on you every night." 

     Okay, so she might have been out of line on that very last line, but come on. Is she wrong? We really should be celebrating the vagina. If it wasn't for the vagina, women would really have no power over us. Think about it. All you women out there reading this might think my comment as sexist, but try getting your man to do something just because he wants to. Not going to happen. Then try getting him to do something and coaxing him with sex as a reward. It will done sooner rather than later. This lady isn't to far off her rocker, but second grade might be a little too early. Unless you were me.

THREE BOOBS ARE BETTER THAN TWO!

     I received this story yesterday afternoon from my buddy, Les Baker, and since he texted it to me, I strangely find myself looking at this photo every five minutes. Then the story kind of started showing up on Facebook all night last night, so many of you already know the story about Jasmine Tridevil. For those of you looking at this photo confused as to why Jasmine has three boobs. Buckle yourself in because I'm about to tell you. 

     This is 21-year-old Jasmine Tridevil from Orlando, Florida. She says that she spent $20,000 for a third breast to make herself "unattractive to men." Well, honey, according to all of the Facebook posts that I read last night, your plan worked the opposite way. I've read that "three boobs are better than two boobs", "three times the fun" and "now you can have a foursome." Basically, guys will be more attracted to you now out of sheer curiosity. So, nice job!

     The admittedly "crazy" massage therapist told an Orlando radio station in a bizarre interview that she had the plastic surgery because she doesn't want to date anymore. She told the host of the show, "Well, I am crazy. Crazy people don't know that they are crazy, so technically since I know I'm crazy, I'm not really crazy." Wow! This chick isn't crazy. She's absolutely nuts! She didn't need a third boob to keep men away. She can do it with her nuttiness. 

     Jasmine said she had to see countless doctors before finding one that would actually do the surgery. The procedure cost $20,000. She later told the radio host that she had aspirations to be a reality TV star and hopes to get a show on MTV. How's that for a solicitation. When the host asked her about her new addition to her boob family, she told him that "to me, it just feels like another boob. The only difference is the nipple, that doesn't feel like the other ones."

     Her parents, though, apparently did not take the news too well. She said, "I told my mom on camera and she literally ran out the door." Well, duh! Not for nothing, but she looks like an alien now or like the three-breasted hooker from the movie Total Recall. Here's a photo of the three-breasted hooker from the remake with Colin Farrell. To be honest, I'm not sure what I would do with three boobs. I have a tough enough time playing with two. When you pay more attention to one, you know the other one gets jealous. Can you imagine three? Dear lord! There is a part of me, though, who would love to take a look at these babies uncovered, but since Miss Jasmine Tridevil doesn't like men anymore, I doubt anyone will get a look at them.

THE PROPOSAL...OR NOT

     Proposing might be one of the most difficult things a man has to do. I know because when I proposed to my fiancee, I was a mess. I was saying things that didn't make sense, I was sweating profusely, and I was stumbling over every other word. That's why I feel bad for this guy! 

     Being on a paddle boat might not have been the best place to be when you're about to make a proposal. I mean doing it on land might have been a much better idea. So, a love-struck man popped the question to his girlfriend as they sat on a boat with pals, but his romantic gesture went spectacularly wrong after she playfully hit his arm and he dropped the expensive engagement ring into the water. The best part....A YouTube video caught the entire thing! 

     The hilarious, but sad video shows the man, identified only as Shane, slowly padding with a group of friends on a lake, when he suddenly asks his girlfriend to look over at four people standing on the shore, holding up signs that read: "Will you marry me?" With the ring held between his thumb and index finger, he goes to propose. Before he was able to do so, she accidentally knocks the engagement ring out of his hands and straight into the water. 

     "Oh, my God!" Shane said repeatedly as he desperately scrambled to find the ring at the bottom of the lake. Covering her mouth with her hands, his girlfriend then starts to sob before the video cuts out. The location of where the video was shot has not been determined, nor has any news of the ring being found or if the proposal was accepted or not. Some viewers of the video have speculated that this might even be a stunt, but after viewing the video myself. It seems pretty real. I don't get why when girls get proposed to, they feel the need to hit the guy as if to say, "Get the f**k out of here!" I feel bad for this poor sap because these rings don't come easy. I'm sure everything happened in slow motion for him too. 

Check the video out for yourself. Do you think this was staged?

MASTER BATES

     I'm sorry, but I know that doing yoga is supposed to do wonders for body, mind and soul, but sometimes the women in the yoga classes wear such tight pants, it looks like it's painted on, and when they're in certain yoga positions....Come on, really? It was only a matter of time that someone was going to get caught touching themselves in class.

     I mean any normal guy would take a snap shot in their minds of the image and take that home with them for later, but not 42-year-old Joseph Cecil Jordan. A Florida fitness studio saw him engage in the wrong kind of stress release. The kind where he began fondling himself during a morning yoga class. The Jacksonville Sheriff's Office is still searching for Jordan after a yoga class instructor and several students confronted the man who was caught with his hands in his pants, masturbating during the Sunday morning session. 

     Cindi Bersinger, founder of Power Yoga of San Marco South in Jacksonville, said that Jordan was a first-time student. While he did not expose himself, his actions crossed the line during the 9:30 a.m. class. She refunded his fee, escorted him out of the building and then called the police. One female student said, "It's very disturbing on so many levels, and the fact that someone could come into such a private, almost a sanctuary, is unbelievable." Um, lady....You're not in private. The yoga studio you belong to is a public place. Did Jordan something wrong? Yes! He should have done what he did in private, but a yoga studio is clearly not a private place.

     According to police, Jordan is also being sought in connection with an incident at the University of North Florida campus. He was allegedly escorted from school property by campus cops after he was caught loitering by the women's bathroom. Jordan, whose listed as a Dayton, Ohio resident, was convicted in 2012 of lewd or lascivious in the presence of a person under the age of 16 in Duval County, Florida. Well, at least he's looking at older girls now in the yoga studio. This guy obviously has a problem. Then again, like I've said before, all of the weirdos live in Florida.

WOULD YOU LIKE EXTRA TESTICLES WITH YOUR PIZZA?

     Today was a rarity when it comes to having a plethora of news stories to choose from. I really didn't know which one to pick, but I have to admit that this one takes the cake. You're about to learn why. 

     This 18-year-old Austin Michael Symonds from Georgetown, Texas. He was recently caught rubbing his genitals on a customer's pre-baked pizza in punishment for it being ordered 30 minutes before closing. That is unbelievable! Is that what happens when you order to closing time? Because I've done that on numerous occasions. 

     Anyway, Symonds was caught in the act of defiling the pizza just as its intended customer walked in to the Texas pizzeria to pick up their pie. The customer told police he saw Symonds, who has since been fired from Georgetown's Papa Murphy's Pizza, rubbing his testicles on the pizza he has ordered. When Symonds realized he was caught, he allegedly apologized, saying, "Man, I am really sorry. That was stupid." Freaking hilarious! That was his answer to being caught? Stupid is dropping the pizza and picking it back up and not rubbing your tool bag all over the pizza. Needless to say, the shocked customer asked Symonds how old he was. When he replied, the customer said, "So, you're old enough to know better." Symonds answered, "Yes."

     In a recorded phone call between Symonds and the store's manager, the teen said he pulled off the filthy stunt in an act of revenge for the customer's timing of the order. He also admitted that if he hadn't been caught by the customer, he likely would have still handed over the soiled pizza, which, by the way, was described as a stuffed, family sized pie topped with Canadian bacon, pineapple and extra cheese. Well, they certainly got the extra cheese. Not the kind that wanted I'm sure. 

     Symonds was arrested and charged with tampering with a consumer product. He was released on $10,000 bail. I have to say that the customer was pretty nice about the whole incident. If I would have walked in and seen some punk kid rubbing his balls all over my pizza, I might have jumped over the counter and beat the everlasting piss out of this kid who just made love to my pizza. Then I might have taken my testicles and slammed them into his face to see if he likes it. But then again,  I would have been the one arrested. Regardless, it would have felt so much better than eating this kid's Ballzonia pizza. I guess cooler heads prevail.

THIS IS PRETTY FISHY

     Those who own pets, typically love their pets as if they were family. When I say pets, I mean dogs, cats, iguanas, etc. I don't mean fish. I mean, yes, fish are technically pets, but if your pet fish had a tumor, would you have a veterinarian operate on your pet fish, so he can live a few more years? Probably not. You might let him live out the rest of his life with the tumor, then flush him down the toilet bowl.

     That's not what this Australian man did. In fact, he paid $200 for his pet goldfish to have a life-threatening tumor removed from his brain. Um, what? Pip Joyce, the owner of the 10-year-old goldfish George, drummed up the cash after he spotted a large growth developing on the little swimmer's head. He also noticed that he was having trouble eating and getting around, and claimed he was being bullied by the 20 other fish in the pond. Okay, WHAT? So, Joyce has 20 other fish and he has them in a pond. How the hell did he pinpoint this one goldfish with a tumor? Unless he was sitting there watching these fish interact all day! Joyce said, "Didn't join in as much in their afternoon party games and stuff, you know." How can you tell? Sounds like someone might be coo-coo for cocoa puffs!

      He took his sick pet to Lort Smith Animal Hospital, where vet Dr. Tristan Rich decided to carry out the "high risk" operation. George was put under general anesthetic. Water from his pond was brought to the surgery, which was fed into a tube through his mouth to keep his gills wet. The removal of the growth took about an hour. George was stitched up and carefully placed back into the water. Wow! I just don't get it. If I was the vet, I might have accidentally cut the goldfish's head off and said, "Oops! Oh, well! He doesn't have the tumor anymore!" But that's just me. I have to say that this vet must be amazing to be able to perform a procedure like this on a fish. I wonder if he's done this before?

     Dr. Rich told a news channel, "It was quite an intricate little surgery really. George is now up and about and swimming around as normal again." He predicted that George could now live for another 20 years. Joyce said that he was really impressed with the result and would not hesitate to do the same again. He said, "A goldfish is pet, a family pet, just as important really. They bring a lot of pleasure these fish in the pond. They are beautiful to sit and watch. I'm not sure that I agree. IT'S A FISH! We eat them! We won't eat dogs and cats....Well, maybe in some countries. I don't get the fish thing, but to each his own, right?

ONCE YOU GO BLACK....

     Okay, now we all love a good burger, right? And we all love Burger King and McDonald's when the hunger calls for it. The question is how much 'are we lovin' it'? Would you love Burger King if they had a black burger on the menu? Better yet, would you even eat a black burger from Burger King? I'm not sure that I would. 

     Burger King in Japan is taking fast food to new heights with the black cheeseburgers complete with black buns, black cheese and black sauce. The fast food giant started the Premium Kuro Burger (Kuro in Japanese means "black") in 2012, where they colored the bread with bamboo charcoal and added squid ink to the ketchup. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Last year, the Kuro burger evolved into the Kuro Ninja, which had all of the above ingredients with a slice of bacon for a tongue, and now Burger King is on the third generation.

     Apparently, the Japanese liked the bamboo charcoal, so it is now in the cheese slices as well, along with beef burgers made with black pepper, an onion with garlic sauce with squid ink and the black bread. I have to admit, that doesn't sound half bad except for the squid ink and the black bread. The smaller Kuro Pearl sandwich contains a burger, cheese and sauce, while the upgraded Kuro Diamond comes with more edible looking lettuce, tomato, onion and the usual trimmings.

     According to a Burger King Japan press release, there has been a favorable reception to the previous Kuro burgers, but they've all been limited edition burgers, so they never decided to keep them on the menu. These new burgers will be available in Japan only from September 19 with the Kuro Pearl priced at 480 yen or $2.80 and the Kuro Diamond being priced at $4.00. This isn't the first time that the black burgers have been served, though. Allegedly, cross-town rivals, McDonald's released the "Ying and Yang" style burger in China, which comes from the Chinese proverb about black and white representing the good and evil in society. Don't worry, there are no plans to bring this sandwich to the U.S. We're still good with the Whopper and the Whopper Jr. My question is how many of you would actually try this? I'm definitely a little bit curious to see what these taste like. 

9/11 THE WAY I REMEMBER IT....AND WILL NEVER FORGET.

I posted this entry on my blog last year to commemorate 9/11 and it received a very positive response. So, I've made the decision to post this blog entry every year on 9/11, so new readers and new friends can read what I went through on this horrific day. Here is "9/11 The Way I remember it": 
 
In my 2 years of writing this blog, I try to be entertaining and for the most part, funny. Today is not one of those days. In the past two years, I realized that I never shared my 9/11 experience with you in this blog because quite frankly, who wants to re-live that day of horror for New York City and this great nation? Today, I want to share with you, how my day went 12 years ago, which by the way, I cannot believe it's been 12 years already!

Anyway, I remember driving into Z100 in Jersey City, NJ the morning of 9/11/01. The sun was just rising and was looking like it was going to be a gorgeous day out. I remember it like it was yesterday. The air was crisp. Not too hot and not too cold. It was perfect. For some reason, I remembered driving in down the New Jersey Turnpike from my Bergen County home and just looking at that beautiful skyline. Little did I know, it would be the last time that I would be enjoying that skyline with the twin towers there and standing tall. 

Our morning was your typical morning of comedic banter amongst the morning show, which consisted of host Elvis Duran, Christine Nagy, John Bell, Danielle Monaro, Skeery Jones, David Brody, Greg T., Scotty B., a guy named Stick, myself, and our morning show consultant Dennis Clark. I happened to be screening phone calls for the show that day and right before 9 a.m., I received a strange one from a caller saying, "A plane just crashed into the World Trade Center. I'm not sure if it was one of those little Cessna planes, but the North Tower is on fire." I swear to God, those were his exact words. It's weird how some things just stay with you. Now, mind you, the only thing separating where our studios were in Jersey City and the World Trade Center was the Hudson River. We were up on the 36th floor and were literally that close. Also, at the time, the sun was still making its rise, so we brought the blinds behind us down so that we can see our computer screens. So, after I received this call, I turned my chair around and raised the blinds to see one of the most horrific sites I have ever seen in my life. It was clear that this plane that crashed into the North Tower was not a little Cessna because a little Cessna would not have caused damage like that to these strong towers.

 I quickly ran into the studio and told Elvis, who was in a commercial break, about the call and what I saw. The whole show literally ran out to take a look outside our window. Elvis made Christine and I stay in the studio to break the news. He interrupted commercials and asked me to go on the air to explain what had happened and what I saw, while Christine explained what she was reading on the news sources. As I ran back to the call screen area, the hotline rang and it was MJ, one of our promotions girls, and she explained to us that it was a commercial airliner that crashed into the tower. Elvis put her on the air and let her explain. People from different departments showed up to watch at the window, when Stick noticed something flying really low over Staten Island, which was to our right. We literally watched this plane quickly pick up speed and as if it happened in slow motion, it slammed into the South Tower with such an impact, we felt our building shake. We all could not believe what we just saw. A plane used as a weapon as it slammed into the World Trade Center, I just remember seeing a fireball and paper shooting out the other end. I was baffled and confused and it all came clear when I heard Danielle Monaro crying, "Oh my God! We're being attacked by terrorists!" 

We were forced to evacuate the building and at the time, all I could think about was trying to get home to my family because if there were any more attacks, I wanted to be with them. Elvis and John Bell stayed up in the control booth like true radio men to stay on the air. To this day, I truly commend them for their bravery and loyalty to our listeners. Elvis told us all to go home and be with our loved ones. He and John ended up staying on the air for the majority of the day taking phone calls from listeners as Dennis Clark helped screen the phone calls. Me? I high-tailed it out of there and at the time there was no cell signal. I could not call home. Driving through the streets of Jersey City that day was an absolute mess! People walking the streets like zombies with a "what the hell just happened" look on their face. I remember sitting in traffic and looking in my side view mirror only to see the South Tower collapse. I literally almost threw up when I saw this. I couldn't believe it. I asked the guy in the car next to me, "Did that tower just go down?" He said it did and we sat there stunned! 

It took me about two hours but I finally got home only to find out that my cousin Michele's fiancée, Arnold Lim, was missing. Arnold and Michele had gotten engaged a month before and the eerie thing is that one of the last pictures I remember of them was at their engagement party in Edgewater, NJ and the Towers stood behind them. Anyway, Arn used to work at Lehman Brothers in Jersey City a few floors below me at Z100. We used to meet for lunch all the time. It was right around the time of their engagement that Arn took a job at the Trade Center with a company called Fiduciary Trust. When I found out that no one was able to get in touch, I began calling him every hour only to get his voicemail. The last person to speak to him was my Aunt Barbara, who called him to tell him the towers were on fire. He told her that he knew and he was actually watching it, but the building told everyone on the PA to stay where they were and that they were safe. My aunt told him that she didn't care and to get the hell out. He told her he was leaving and that was the last we heard from him. My guess is that he was making his way down the stairwell when that second plane hit, which is the one I saw. They never found his body. 

The weeks to follow would be about rebuilding and Memorials. I've heard so many different stories from people who were actually down at the Trade Center and survived. I've also heard stories about people seeing bodies fall around them. I've also heard stories from people who overslept and never made it to work in the Trade Center that day. Then there's the story of my fiancée who never made it to the PATH station where everyone died underground because her new kitten needed her attention. With all of these stories and families of the victims, how can we ever forget what those scumbags did to us as a nation? Sure, there are so many other stories! This one was just mine....

And now here stands what looks like the big middle finger to the terrorists....The Freedom Tower!

 

WOMEN - A HOME FOR GOD'S PENIS....WHAT?

     No, this is not Joba Chamberlain's look-a-like. This is Megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll, who is currently under fire for a sexist comment he made and now the Pacific Northwest church he founded has been forced to shutter some its locations and slash staff after he said women were created as a "very nice home" for God's penis. That's right! Women were created as a "very nice home" for God's penis. Should I say it again? 

     Seattle-based Mars Hill Church, cited a 40% drop in attendance and acknowledging the personal crisis surrounding its founder. The church will have to lay off 40% of its 100 staffers and they announced that they will have to shut down at least three churches from Seattle to Phoenix. Driscoll apologized to his congregation and took a six week leave of absence after it was discovered that he wrote a blog post patronizing women in 2001 under a pseudonym, William Wallace II.

     Driscoll allegedly wrote in this blog, "The first thing to know about your penis is, that despite the way it may seem, it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while. While HIS penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wandering the streets looking for a house to live in. Knowing that his penis would need a home, God created a women to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home." What the hell is this guy talking about? Where the hell did he get his pastor's license?  He had to have purchased it online. Though, I find his writings absolutely absurd, I also kind of find it pretty hilarious.

     Driscoll started Mars Hill as a Bible study class from his home in 1996. The church grew to 15 locations and he has thousands of followers who download his sermons weekly. In his apology, Driscoll seemed to blame the media and the media age, but the one thing I have to say about that is that he wrote this on a blog. A blog is a public forum. How can you blame the media age if you're the who wrote the message on the media site. The words came from you. They weren't generated by the media. Driscoll needs to own up to his actions and stop blaming anyone, but himself. He's supposed to be a pastor and people look to him for help. Then again, I never knew that women were created as a "very nice home" for God's penis. Maybe I should join his church? The guy sounds like he might be onto something! What's in next week's sermon? Man's face and penis was created as a "very nice seat" for God's vagina? Just sayin'...

PHILLY CHEAPSKATE

     You know it's football season when football players are causing all of the drama in the news. Yesterday it was Ray Rice, who finally got cut by the Baltimore Ravens yesterday and received a lifetime ban from football. I'm sure my blog had a lot to do with that. (sarcasm) Today, let's talk about 26-year-old Philadelphia Eagles running back LeSean McCoy. Can you be anymore of a cheapskate? McCoy dropped a 20 cent tip on a $61.56 check at a Philly burger joint, PYT, on Monday afternoon prompting the restaurant to post a photo of the check to Facebook to publicly humiliate the city's NFL star. PYT posted on their Facebook page, "That's a .03% tip! New record!" 

     The last time I wrote about an NFL player being this cheap was a few months back when Warren Sapp left no tip saying "Boys don't tip!" on the check because he was upset with the fact that the waitress came to the table and asked "What are you boys drinking today?" That still blows my mind. At least, McCoy left 20 cents. The All-Pro back, who wears the number 25 on his jersey (a nickel more than his tip), stopped by the restaurant in the Northern Liberties section of the city with four "rude and loud" friends, according to an employee of PYT. 

     When served their meals, the group was not impressed asking, "What is this shit?" The waiter said, "I wasn't surprised by the tip, I saw it coming. They were extremely rude. I kept my cool for as long as I could, where you just don't want them yelling and cursing you." Who acts like that in a public setting? Oh yeah, children do. I mean, this guys is a sports celebrity in this city, why would he act like this? It's like he has no respect for himself either. Then to not tip the server who had to put up with your shenanigans is just totally asinine. I already know how some of you feel about the tipping situation, as you've stated in the Warren Sapp blog, but come on! Servers are providing a service and should be tipped accordingly. Yes, tipping is optional, but what kind of an asshole doesn't tip these days? In this instance, there should have been a big tip because of the way they acted.
 

     Anyway, the waiter didn't recognize McCoy's friends as other Eagles players, but noted they sported football tattoos. And McCoy, known by his nickname "Shady," picked up the bill with his credit card. Here's the best part; McCoy, who goes by the handle "CutonDime25" on Twitter, signed a five-year, $45-million-dollar contract extension with the Eagles in 2012. So, this guy is making $9-million a year, but can't afford to tip a waiter? Are you kidding me? Some of you might say it's his money and he has the right to tip as he pleases, but this guy is a piece of shit and I'm sure many more people will agree with that!

COLD COCKED

     I don't understand what happened to our judicial system. I also don't understand professional sports. Let me explain. So, back in February, when the Revel Casino in Atlantic City, NJ was still open, Baltimore Ravens running back, Ray Rice was caught on video knocking out his then-fiancee in the casino elevator. The video was so shocking that it was even posted on TMZ.com early the next morning, sending chills throughout the country including the NFL commissioner's office. 

     NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, who had not seen the horrific video showing Rice cold-cocking fiancee Janay Palmer in the elevator, only suspended Rice for two games. How is that possible? This guy becomes violent and hit a woman and only gets a two game suspension, but A-Rod takes a performance enhancing drug and is suspended for a whole season. It makes no sense. The word is commissioner Goodell is currently reviewing some new evidence provided by the gossip website. 

      The video depicts Rice and Palmer, who are now married, getting into an elevator inside the Revel on February 15 and within seconds after the door closing, Palmer approaches Rice, who knocks her the hell out with a left hook to the chin. Palmer fell to the ground and when the doors opened, Rice dragged her unconscious body into the hallway, where there met by a security guard. The video of Rice dragging her out of the elevator soon went public, but today is actually the first time that the video inside the elevator was released. 

     At the time, Rice's attorney deemed the allegations a "very minor physical altercation" with Palmer. Dude! He hit a woman! Anyone who hits a woman in that manner is no minor physical altercation. Commissioner Goodell took so much heat for his light two-game suspension of Rice that on August 29, he instituted a new domestic abuse policy, where a first time offender would get up to a six-game suspension and second offense could lead to a lifetime ban. Hey, Roger Goodell! How about any this? If any of your football players strikes any women, they are banned for life! How is hitting women acceptable even once? So, basically, he's saying, you can hit her once, but just don't let it happen again or I will have to ban you for life? NO! Roger Goodell, if it was your daughter getting slapped around by one of your ball players, I guarantee that rule will be amended. 

     In addition to getting off easy with the NFL, Rice, who is a former Rutgers star from New Rochelle, NY, skated off easy with the law as well. On May 20, he was accepted into a pretrial intervention program to avoid the aggravated assault charges. On that day, Atlantic County Prosecutor Jim McClain said, "This decision was arrived after careful consideration of the information contained in Mr. Rice's application in light of the facts gathered during the investigation. After considering all relevant information in light of applicable law, it was determined that this was the appropriate disposition." So, once Rice completes the year-long program, the third degree assault charges go away. In other words, because he's an NFL star the Atlantic County Prosecution folded and gave him the lightest sentence possible for smacking a girl around. Here's where I have a problem, a really good friend of mine in Atlantic County Superior Court is being charged by the same Prosecutor for theft by deception. They're saying that my friend stole from her company, which they clearly did not do. My friend was able to pay back what was owed, but the Prosecution has said that they wanted to see my friend punished, yet my friend has not hurt anyone nor have they really stolen. It was a simple clerical error by the human resources department, but they are charging my friend as a criminal. My friend is supposed to get jail time for something they didn't do, but this NFL star gets Pretrial Intervention for punching a girl. Does that make any sense to anyone? I think Governor Christie needs to take a look at how judicial system down in Atlantic County because they have it backwards. 

     By the way, no comment from the Atlantic County Prosecutor's office regarding the new evidence. I have to say, I am not shocked in the least. There's something very crooked in South Jersey where real criminals go free and people who aren't criminals are getting the crap end of the stick. Sorry for taking this political, but what is fair is fair. If my friend has to serve time for a crime they did not commit, then Ray Rice needs to serve time for a crime that he did, and Roger Goodell needs to wake the hell up!

Take a look: 

Ray Rice -- ELEVATOR KNOCKOUT Raw Footage - Watch More Celebrity Videos or Subscribe

WOULD YOU LIKE CREAM IN YOUR COFFEE?

     My apologies to those of you who actually read my rambling everyday. This short week has really thrown me off my game, so I will have to make it up to you on a Friday with an out of the park blog. I wish I could tell you about my interview with the Black Veil Brides in today's blog because it got pretty raunchy, but I will leave the interview to be read on TheAquarian.com, which is where I am also a staff writer. Look for that story in November. Anyway, here's your out of the park blog, thank you to my fellow co-worker Peter Tran for this story and if I ever found out that you did this to any of us when you brought Dunkin Donuts in for the morning show, Peter; somebody is going to be in big trouble!

     So, a Minnesota hardware store employee has been arrested after he admitted to repeatedly ejaculating on a coworker's desk and into her coffee in an attempt to get her to notice him because he was attracted to her. Yup! That's exactly the way, I would've tried to get her attention. I mean he got her attention. The question is did she feel attracted to him after he got her attention? The answer is NO. 

     34-year-old John R. Lind told police that he blew is load in the woman's coffee cup twice since February, and finished on her desk another four times, using one of her scrunchies to wipe up the mess. That is hilarious! I'm sorry. Yes, this is really gross, but I can't help to laugh about it. According to police, Lind told them that he knew his actions were "gross and wrong."

      The co-worker did eventually notice Lind after she caught him at her desk with his hands on his crotch. She told police that he turned around and looked at her like "a deer in headlights." He to cover up by telling her he'd just come in to ask her a question, but the gross evidence was too damning and so was the solid woody between them. According to another story, the worker told police she inspected her desk and found jizz on the surface, dripping onto the floor. A lot of it had been absorbed into her hair scrunchy, which she put into a plastic bag. When they finally arrived at the scene, officers collected her coffee mug, coffee and scrunchy. I am dying over here as I write this!

     The co-worker also said Lind had approached her with his zipper down many times and that she was considering reporting him for harassment. Lind now faces two counts of criminal sexual conduct with the possibility of a year in jail and a $4,500 fine. The co-worker also told police she had noticed her coffee tasted strange recently, more than just two times since February. She said she'd had the tasted in her mouth before, but couldn't pinpoint it. (Okay, I made that part up!) Initially, she just suspected spoiled cream. After they told her what Lind admitted too, she said, "I knew it." Well, she was right! It was spoiled cream, but after police told her what it was, "I knew it" was her initial reaction? Is that weird to anybody? My initial reaction would have been to vomit all over the place. Either way, this story was hilarious! Thank you, Peter Tran!