WOULD YOU LIKE EXTRA TESTICLES WITH YOUR PIZZA?

     Today was a rarity when it comes to having a plethora of news stories to choose from. I really didn't know which one to pick, but I have to admit that this one takes the cake. You're about to learn why. 

     This 18-year-old Austin Michael Symonds from Georgetown, Texas. He was recently caught rubbing his genitals on a customer's pre-baked pizza in punishment for it being ordered 30 minutes before closing. That is unbelievable! Is that what happens when you order to closing time? Because I've done that on numerous occasions. 

     Anyway, Symonds was caught in the act of defiling the pizza just as its intended customer walked in to the Texas pizzeria to pick up their pie. The customer told police he saw Symonds, who has since been fired from Georgetown's Papa Murphy's Pizza, rubbing his testicles on the pizza he has ordered. When Symonds realized he was caught, he allegedly apologized, saying, "Man, I am really sorry. That was stupid." Freaking hilarious! That was his answer to being caught? Stupid is dropping the pizza and picking it back up and not rubbing your tool bag all over the pizza. Needless to say, the shocked customer asked Symonds how old he was. When he replied, the customer said, "So, you're old enough to know better." Symonds answered, "Yes."

     In a recorded phone call between Symonds and the store's manager, the teen said he pulled off the filthy stunt in an act of revenge for the customer's timing of the order. He also admitted that if he hadn't been caught by the customer, he likely would have still handed over the soiled pizza, which, by the way, was described as a stuffed, family sized pie topped with Canadian bacon, pineapple and extra cheese. Well, they certainly got the extra cheese. Not the kind that wanted I'm sure. 

     Symonds was arrested and charged with tampering with a consumer product. He was released on $10,000 bail. I have to say that the customer was pretty nice about the whole incident. If I would have walked in and seen some punk kid rubbing his balls all over my pizza, I might have jumped over the counter and beat the everlasting piss out of this kid who just made love to my pizza. Then I might have taken my testicles and slammed them into his face to see if he likes it. But then again,  I would have been the one arrested. Regardless, it would have felt so much better than eating this kid's Ballzonia pizza. I guess cooler heads prevail.