CHECK OUT THE 'JERK-OFF' ON THE BIKE

As if the world isn't disturbing enough, here's a story about a Swedish jerk-off, who jerks off on bicycles? That's right! They have some pretty radical fetishes in Europe and now you can add 'bike love' to that laundry list. So, police in Sweden are now hunting down a creep who slashes bicycle tires before sitting down and pleasuring himself on the bike. The sicko was caught on camera carrying out his dirty deed after Swedish cyclist Per Edstrom of Ostersund, Sweden got fed up with the repeated vandalism to his rides.

Edstrom set up a security camera outside his Ostersund home and was shocked to see the hooded hoodlum carrying out the sex act while on his bike. He uploaded the footage to YouTube this past Monday and it's already been seen more than 65,000 times. Edstrom claims that he's not angry about the psychotic rendezvous with his beloved bicycle. He just wants to stop his tires from being slashed in the future. He says, "I'm not scared of him, just irritated over all the punctures I have had to fix. The man is probably completely harmless, bicycles are just his thing." Unbelievable! Don't people realize that we live in a world where there are cameras everywhere now? Take, for instance, the New Jersey man that is being hunted down for brutally beating a woman during a home invasion this week while her 3-year-old child watched on the couch. There was actual video footage of this. Why? Because there are video cameras everywhere now. People put them in as safety precautions and let's not forget that all of our phones have cameras on them too now. Just the other day, a drunk man was caught on video slapping around a United Airlines pilot (he probably deserved it.) for mouthing off to him. The scene was actually very funny, but my point is that you cannot do anything these days without being caught on video.

Let this be a lesson to all of you sickos out there. Whatever you're planning, you need to be more careful because one day you'll be able to find yourself on YouTube doing a dirty deed. I am telling you everything is on video now! Just take a look at the video below that I like to call "Bike Love": 

HE RIPPED OFF HIS OWN WHAT?

Sorry, guys! This one is going to hurt. Can you imagine ripping off your own penis? What the hell? That's what a man from Ohio did this past Tuesday morning during a drug-fueled high after taking magic mushrooms, according to police. I don't know. I have this friend who has taken these magic mushrooms on many occasions and he says that it's never made him want to rip off his penis. If anything it made me, I mean him, laugh uncontrollably at stupid things. 

Anyway, this unidentified 41-year-old man was found naked, covered in blood and screaming outside Ypsilanti Middle School in Ypsilanti Township, Michigan at 1 a.m. this past Tuesday morning. Parts of his genitals lay on the ground beside him. Okay, I literally just threw up in my mouth as I wrote that last line. Police sergeant Geoff Fox said, "He really wasn't saying much at all. There was a lot of yelling and screaming. He wasn't making sense. Officers couldn't really communicate with him in terms of constructive conversation."

The man from Columbus, Ohio, and his gored privates, was taken to St Joseph Mercy Hospital in Superior Township where he continues to be treated. He late reportedly explained to investigators that he'd picked up hallucinogenic mushrooms from a friend's house earlier in the day. Toxicology reports are now pending as to whether the shrooms were laced with something else. I don't really know much about these magic mushrooms, but aren't they grown in cow dung? I thought that my friend told me that they were supposed to be a natural high. Now, they're adding chemicals to it? As if these mushrooms weren't strong enough naturally? I think that this guy was just having a bad trip and he wanted it to end so badly that he started harming himself. Unfortunately, that led to ripping off his junk. Then again, he was 41-years-old wasn't he? What the hell is a 41-year-old still doing mushrooms for? My friend is 40 now and I think that my, I mean his, days of taking magic mushrooms are long over. I don't care what drug you're on, it's never a good reason to rip off your own penis!

NO T.P. FOR YOUR PEE PEE

Can you imagine going on a 10-hour flight across the pond from San Francisco to London only to find out there was no toilet paper on the plane? Well, it happened, and once I read which airline did this, I have to admit that I wasn't shocked. No, it wasn't Southwest Airlines! I don't even think they fly to London. It was United Airlines. In the past, I've had nothing, but problems with this Airline from its unprofessionalism to their lack of sincerity for their paying customer. I remember one time they booked us on a connecting flight to Las Vegas. We were supposed to have a half an hour layover in Denver, only that half an hour turned into ten minutes due to our delayed flight. Then we get to the layover airport only to learn that the gate we have to get to is across another terminal. There was no way we were getting to our gate. Needless to say, we missed the connecting flight. We complained to United about it and they did absolutely nothing for us. Since it was late at night, that was supposedly the last flight to Vegas and the next one won't be until 6 am. After much groveling, they finally agreed to give us a hotel room to sleep for a few hours, which was nice, but I shouldn't have had to grovel since it was their mistake. Number one the flight was delayed for no reason at all and who puts a connecting flight out of reach for connecting passengers to get to? Well, United does and we will never fly with them again. Unless, all of the airlines go out of business anyway. 

Sorry, I kind of went off on a tangent there! So, back to what United Airlines did this time. Apparently, passengers flying to London via United got a real bum deal after the crew forgot to stock the plane with toilet paper. Horrified flyers on this past Sunday's 10-hour flight from San Francisco to London were told to use what they'd brought on board themselves if they wanted to clean up after a bathroom break. Can you believe this? It sparked outrage among many of the customers who'd paid hundreds of dollars for their seats. This is so typical of United. Use something you brought with you to clean up after yourself? Um, everything I have is packed in my suitcase underneath the plane. Unless, I can wipe my ass with my iPad? One customer stated, "That's disgusting, that's just so terrible! If I'm paying for a ticket, that should include the price of toilet paper I would think."

Flight attendants later gave in and passed around tiny cocktail napkins, which read "Fly by the tips of your fingers." Are these guys serious? The airline has since apologized for the blunder and in a statement said they would like the opportunity to welcome these customers back, which is exactly what we heard with our snafu. Why would we ever fly them again? A spokesperson for the airline later said that stopping to restock the supply would have delayed the flight. Wait! Was that an excuse? I think I'd rather have a flight delayed rather than have to hold this huge dump I have to unleash for 10 hours. That is just unsanitary and unhealthy. I think restocking toilet paper would have set them back 10-15 minutes at most. This why no one should fly this airline anymore! Morons run this ship! Flight delayed? Or no toilet paper? I think I will choose a delayed flight every time, especially, if it's a direct one! United Airlines should be kissing these passengers asses right now and not making up excuses that restocking the plane would've delayed the flight! Now, I will never fly them ever again! I'll drive or cruise over taking a United flight.

A CUT ABOVE THE REST

You would think that getting your penis cut off would have sent you into hiding or at the very least; you would never be able to have normal sex ever again, right? Well, many of you might remember this guy. This is John Wayne Bobbitt and 20 years ago this week, his wife, Lorena, cut off his penis at their home in Virginia and threw it out the window as she drove away. For those of you unfamiliar with this extremely popular story, Bobbitt's penis was later reattached after 10 hours of surgery. Personally, I would've asked for a few extra inches if I was him, but I'm sure the pain made him forget to ask. Anyway, Bobbitt is claiming after 20 years that losing his penis sent his sex life into overdrive. 

The now 46-year-old and one-time porn star says he's bedded more than 70 women since the reattachment of his penis. He says that for some reason "some women got a kick out of saying they slept with John Wayne Bobbitt." Frankly, I can't imagine who would admit to that. Anyway, doctors told Bobbitt that he would never be able to have sex again because his injuries were so bad, but he says he proved them wrong time and time again sleeping with over 70 women since the incident. He went on to say that being the most famous man to have his penis cut off did have its advantages. My guess is that these crazy women wanted to see what this Frankenpenis looked like. It was more curiosity than the fact that they actually wanted to have sex with him.

Bobbitt has been back in the news because this past Sunday was the 20th Anniversary of his ex-wife's infamous snip. The former Marine said he still has nightmares about the kitchen knife attack and the buckets of blood he spilled on the sheets their Virginia bedroom. He said, "People think it's all a big joke but I almost bled to death after the knife sliced through, I lost a huge amount of blood." After the police found the tip of his penis in a field where Lorena had thrown it out her car window, Bobbitt underwent 10 hours of surgery to reattach it. As I sit here writing this, I still squirm whenever I hear this story. Bobbitt remembers waking up in bandages and peeing through a catheter tube for two months. Doctors even warned him that there could be all sorts of complications and worst-case scenario was that infection could set in and it would turn black and fall off. His first roll in the hat came just a few months after his surgery when a woman recognized him and approached him at a bar. At first, he was afraid that his penis wouldn't work, but after doing what came naturally, he knew everything would be alright. It was so alright that he went on to film two pornos, "John Wayne Bobbitt Uncut" and "Frankenpenis".

Bobbitt would continue to have relationship trouble until a few years ago, when he said that he found God and moved to Niagara Falls, NY to settle down. He now lives a quiet life as a limo driver and is planning his fourth marriage. Bobbitt, who is no longer trying to make money off of his name, says he has an autobiography in the works, which will include the accounts of that penis-chopping evening. I have to say that is one book that I won't be buying. This is enough penis-chopping talk for the next 20 years for me.

GREATEST MOTHER.....EVER!

Back when we were teens, all of our parents wanted us to do well in school, right? They persistently stayed on us to do our homework and study for tests, but how many of them would actually dress up like you to take your test for you? Better yet, how many would actually be able to look young enough to pass as you to take your test? Well, one French mother felt that she could pull it off. You see, in France, right now if you're a high school senior, it's the time of the year when secondary school students take the stressful Baccalaureat exam to qualify for college. I guess you can say that it's equivalent to our SAT exams. Well, one French mother tried to ensure her daughter's college entry by actually subbing in for her and taking the test for her! That's right! Best Mother ever!

 According to a few reports, the 52-year-old woman was dressed in Converse baseball boots, jeans and a lot of makeup when she boldly walked into the Paris testing site to take her 19-year-old daughter's three-hour English composition exam, but an eagle-eyed professor, who had seen the actual teen taking a philosophy exam two days before, spotted the disguised mom. Instead of calling her out and disrupting other candidates, however, the teachers actually let the woman finish the three-hour exam. 

The disguised mom, known as Caroline D, was confronted by police as she was leaving the hall and taken into custody and charged with fraud. Apparently, she finally admitted to the cheating in a bid to boost her daughter's score. The penalties against the mother are unknown at this point, but the daughter faces being banned from taking official exams for the next five years. That absolutely sucks!

Okay, here's my take on this whole situation. Did they do something wrong? Yes, but seriously, how did the "52-year-old" mother honestly think that she can pass for a 19-year-old. If she really thought that she could, then she must be smoking hot and must look really young! As for the authorities, I wouldn't have arrested her. I might've laughed in her face for thinking she can fool the school system, but I do think that the girl's punishment is fair. If she was smart enough, she wouldn't have let her mother go through the charade. Five years of not having an opportunity to go to a University is a fair punishment. Then again, she can always come to the U.S. and go to a community school for a few years and then go back and take the tests again. Either way, this whole ordeal proves that the mother really loves her daughter enough to take risks. It might have been a dumb risk, but a risk nonetheless, which makes her the greatest mother ever!