FLATULISTIC ROMANCE

If you're a real man, you love to pass gas, right? But do you love it, when you're other half breaks wind? Okay, if you're a gay man, you might. Some might call it a mating call. I mean, for my hetero male readers; does it turn you on when you're wife or girlfriend, or in my case my fiancée, farts in front of you? I have to be honest; I don't even look twice anymore. That's how common they've become in my household between me, her and the dog. 

Well, women of the world who break wind beware! A 22-year-old, Illinois art graduate has this fetish that is like nothing I've ever heard before. He confessed to being turned on by females who fart. He told British researchers that he first got all horned up when a girl at school tooted during a class. He said, “I knew by simple biology that girls farted, but hearing the girl I had been fawning over was capable of such a thing sparked a strange interest in me."

It's the person releasing the flatulence and not the actual fart itself that gets this guy all worked up. This unidentified student, who is now believed to be the world's first case of "eproctophilia", says he's addicted to hooking up with women who pass gas. Can you imagine being on a date with this guy? Then accidentally letting one slip out and getting all embarrassed until he looks at you and says, "That was so hot! Wanna go mess around? That made me so horny!" That would be absolutely insane! I remember on my first date with my fiancée, I had to fart so badly because something I ate for dinner made me so gassy, but like a true gentleman, I fought it back all night and suffered the next day. 

 A Nottingham Trent University lecturer wrote about the case in his "Archives of Sexual Behavior" journal. He wrote: "Eproctophiles are said to spend an abnormal amount of time thinking about farting and flatulence and have recurring intense sexual urges and fantasies about them." How can this be a real fetish? Then again, this is 2013! Nothing shocks me anymore! You've been warned, women! Be careful who you toot in front of. It might actually turn them on! Before you know it, you'll have some strange guy's face right up against your ass sniffing your farts. How's that for an image?

RAPE ESCAPE

Who rapes pregnant women walking their dogs in the middle of the morning? Apparently, this guy does! I don't condone rape, obviously, but seriously? A pregnant woman? You really have to some sort of sicko! And in broad daylight? This guy was not playing with a full deck!

Anyway, NYPD have been on a manhunt since Monday looking for a creep who was caught on surveillance camera video attacking a pregnant Manhattan as she walked her dog. Investigators are suspecting that the man who assaulted the 30-year-old woman on Sunday morning on West 212th Street may also be linked to attacks on other women in and around the Inwood area of Manhattan. 

Surveillance video released by police showed the sleazy man sitting on the bench when the woman, who is two months pregnant, strolled by with her dog. That's when the suspect pounced and grabbed her in a bear hug. The woman, however fought back and when he tried to reach inside her shorts, she began screaming for help. Her cries for help, plus sudden appearances of passersby, apparently scared the suspect who took off running. Like I said, who rapes in the middle of the morning in broad daylight? This obviously was not a well thought-out plan on his part. Plus, how could this creep not know that there are surveillance cameras everywhere nowadays! Big brother is always watching! How did he expect to get away with this? 

The victim declined to discuss her escape from the creepy clutches of her attempted rapist, but the 7 a.m. assault shocked other dog-walkers in the neighborhood. One neighborhood dog walker said, "Seven in the morning? That's crazy! I thought this was a safe area." Another said that he suspects the attacker had come from one of the new nightclubs that recently opened in the area. He said, "If it was at 7 in the morning, it's got to be somebody who was up all night. He was probably drunk after partying."

The suspect was dressed casually in a white T-shirt untucked over blue denim shorts, sneakers and a brown or red baseball cap. He's about 6 feet tall and 180 pounds and appears to be in his late 20s. Well, that description really narrows it down here in New York City! They should have no problem catching him now! Also, I am sure he is no longer wearing those clothes! But if anyone has information on this clown, they're urging people to call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-577-TIPS. Actually, now that I think about it, that description fits the description of one of my neighbors. Unreal!  

Take a look at the surveillance footage: 

THE UNFRIENDLY SKIES

Yeah, yeah! This guy might look like one of my headbanging buddies, but he's not. He's actually a guy named Baraka Kanaan and he's disabled. He lost the use of his legs after a bad car crash in 2000. Would you believe me if I told you that Delta Airlines made this man crawl across the tarmac multiple times because they refused to help him off their flights? And now he is suing them for it! What the hell is going on with our service industry? The fast food industries have gone down the toilet as we've seen in my blogs and now it seems the airline industry is no better. I do, however, notice that it's the same industries every single time! 

So, Kanaan, a former philosophy professor who now heads a not-for-profit organization, was scheduled to fly from his home in Hawaii to Nantucket Island in Massachusetts last July to attend a conference. Kanaan claims that he contacted the airline weeks in advance to tell them of his disability. According to him, Delta staff assured him that he would be received and given reasonable accommodation for his disability. When the flight touched down in Massachusetts, there was no equipment to help him off the airplane and to his wheelchair. When he asked what can be done, the flight attendant allegedly told him, "I don't know, but we can't get you off the plane." So, what was he supposed to do? Stay on the plane? When did people become so lazy? Better yet, why wasn't there a wheelchair waiting for him as soon as the doors opened? 

According to a lawsuit filed my Kanaan this months, he said he was left with no other option but to crawl in his best suit, hand over hand through the main cabin and down a narrow flight of stairs and across the tarmac to his wheelchair. On his return flight, he was forced to go through the same humiliating experience since the airline still claimed that they can do nothing to help his disability. This time the airline offered to place cardboard underneath him, so that his clothes wouldn't get dirty. Aw, that was very nice of them! Not! What a bunch of a**holes work for Delta! They should have had EMTs or a couple of stronger men helping to carry Kanaan to and from a wheelchair. I've seen it done on many flights. This is just laziness and discrimination to those with disabilities. 

After complaining to the airline, Kanaan said he was offered $100 voucher and an offer of 25,000 SkyMiles. Unreal! Corporate America just blows me away with their audacity sometimes. How is this acceptable? If this was someone in their family, it would be a different story, but being that it's not, who cares, right? If there's one airline that I'd like to see go bankrupt, it's Delta. They consistently have horror stories like this. It blows me away that people still fly their airline. I guess you get what you pay for. Cheap flight, no service!

WHAT WAS ON HER MIND?

I wanted to end this week with a light-hearted and very funny story out of ABC-12 in Michigan since I put you on an emotional rollercoaster this week on my buzzkill ramblings. This is news reporter Siobhan Riley and it seems she had a Freudian slip live on TV...or was it just an innocent mistake? You see, Riley unintentionally drew what looked like a huge penis on an on-screen map during a bulletin! That's right take a look at the photo!

It turns out, the ABC-12 reporter was detailing which areas of Saginaw were undergoing construction work on Tuesday evening, but her handiwork accidentally ended up appearing to be the same shape as a huge phallus with two testicles. As the segment faded out, Riley seemed oblivious to the diagram she'd just broadcasted live. This is too funny!

The clip, obviously, went completely viral. Neither Riley nor her station has yet to comment on the incident. The funny thing is that this incident comes on the heels of the "pilots of the Asiana Airlines" crash, which was hysterical. That, however, was intentionally written by a wisecracking intern. What is going on with these network news reporters? Are they watching too much "Ron Burgundy"? Or are these all bits for the upcoming "Anchorman 2" movie? I have to tell you, after watching this clip; Riley really had no idea what she'd just drawn. The cameraman filming the segment must have been dying! Take a look at the clip below:  

THE FIRST, LAST DANCE

Okay, the heartless bastard that I am, even this story got me a little choked up, so I thought I'd share it with you. This is 25-year-old Rachel Wolf of Auburn, California. She's not engaged to be married or anything, but her terminally ill father, who was given only six months to live, will never see her get married. So, she decided to stage a father-daughter first dance filled with flowers, a tux, a wedding dress, a DJ, a limo, etc., and she pre-recorded it in hopes to one day play the recording at her real wedding, where her father will be represented after he passes. I'm telling you that there will not be a dry eye in the house after she plays this recording!

Poignant footage shows Dr. James Wolf, who is suffering from pancreatic cancer, twirling his little girl around on the dance floor to Steven Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella". Friends and family in Auburn all chipped in to donate a wedding dress, DJ, tuxedo, limousine, hairstylist, professional photographer, and a gazebo for the event. Dr. Wolf says he was flabbergasted when asked about his daughter's request. He told the Today show, "There are a lot of things that I would've liked the girls to experience with me being there and I'm not going to be there." Rachel said that she didn't want to miss the opportunity to involve her dad in her big day. She said, "I just thought, if I get the dress and record it, I can have it for whomever. I don't want to regret one day that I could have done it." Are you crying yet?

I think that she did an amazing thing. I am coming up to the one year anniversary of my aunt passing and she was one of those aunts that was like a mother to my sister and me. I miss her every day. Last year, around this time, the family found out she only had a few months to live. Unfortunately, the cancer attacked faster than the doctors anticipated and those few months turned into a few weeks. It was really difficult to see my aunt weak and almost helpless like that. Like Rachel, I wanted to do something to lift her spirits and her memory. We really wanted her to see our new house, but at this point she was too weak to make a long drive to visit us. So, knowing that my aunt loved taking pictures at family events and just about any other photo op that arose, I decided to put together a photo book based around her life. I included photos from when she was a little girl with my mother, all the way up to 2012. In the beginning of this book, I wrote her a letter about my feelings towards her, which took a lot of tears to write. When I presented her with the book, she smiled and as weak as she was, gave me this huge hug that still brings me to tears when I think about it. My aunt passed the next day. My point in telling that story to coincide with Rachel's story was that sometimes the little things like a photo book or a video can make a dying person's day. What Rachel did was amazing and I hope one day she gets to play that video at her wedding!

FRENCH CLUB SNUB

I recently received a disturbing email from my friend, Kathleen Ferry. No, not one of those emails! The email was actually about something that happened to her niece, who was part of the Westwood High School French Club in Westwood, NJ. Apparently, her niece and 14 other students were recently scammed out of $3500 through a company called Mariden USA, who allegedly filed for bankruptcy, but we know what really happened. Whoever is running that site is enjoying a summer in France at the expense of these poor Westwoood High School students. 

According to the email, the Westwood French Club organized a trip to Paris that was supposed to take place this month (July) for 15 students. The trip was to include airfare, hotel, and sightseeing trips around Paris. The school used a company called Mariden USA (maridenusa.com). Shortly before the trip was scheduled to begin (July 2), right around the time the students were taking their finals, the school was informed that Mariden USA plans to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, and all 15 students will not be reimbursed for the cost of the trip of $3500 each. Let's see...If my calculations are correct, that's $52,500 that Mariden USA walks away with. If they are doing this with a few schools, there is no way that they are filing for Chapter 11. Plus, if there company is failing and maybe it would be a good idea to take your site down, so that people won't get the wrong idea that you're in business. Their site seems to be up and running just fine!

In addition to this whole mess, the group insurance policy that was issued by Travel Guard for the students does not cover financial failures by the tour company. Gee, thanks for your help Travel Guard! What the hell did students pay for the extra protection for? Trust me; if you dig deeper, there are no financial failures here. That company walked away with almost $53,000. Like I said, if they're doing this to a few schools, they are not crying poverty! Oh, and it gets even worse! The school board is claiming the school organized trip was "not board approved" due to the fact that the trip was to take place in the summer when school was closed. Well, did they rather the students go to Paris during the school year and miss a couple of weeks of school? Or do it in the summer, where they can learn and be cultured while they're not in school? To me it sounds like this whole thing is a sham and everyone is in cahoots including the school board, the travel agency and the insurance company. If you're planning a school trip to another country, steer clear of Maridenusa.com! I'm sure they will be keeping their site up to rip off even more people than they already have!