SCHOOL TRIP TURNS INTO A BABY MAKING FACTORY

     Originally, I was going to write about a guy who was probably triple-dog-dared to steal a replica of the leg lamp from the holiday classic movie "A Christmas Story" right out the front door of a New York liquor store. I mean after all, it is a major award!

      Instead, I decided write about a story that kind of gave me a bit of a chuckle because you can't make this stuff up! Now, this wasn't any sort of pregnancy pact or anything, but seven Bosnian teenagers came home pregnant after a five-day class trip. Needless to say, parents and educators are PISSED! 

     The teens, who are from a small town called Banja Luka, ranged between 13 and 14 years of age, according to Nenad Babici, the national coordinator for reproductive health. The school took a group of 28 girls on the class trip to the capital, Sarajevo, to see the museums and city sights. A quarter of the students returned home prego. Parents are demanding a refund....No, just kidding! Parents are demanding answers as to why there wasn't better supervision on this trip, but Babici retorted with the fact that parents need to teach their children about sex. If you ask me, at least seven of the children didn't need to be taught about sex. It sounds like they did just fine on their own. 

     The case has brought national attention to the increasing number of teen pregnancies in Bosnia and Herzegovina. Oh, please! Tell the citizens of Bosnia to visit Camden or the Bronx. They can teach you a thing or two about teen pregnancies. Teens can look at each other in those cities and become pregnant. According to Sarajevo gynocologist Senad Mehmebasic, the growing rate is worrisome because teens face higher risks in both pregnancy and child birth. He said, "We have to be more direct in the educational system. It must not be allowed that the street teaches children about intimate matters, and that they are later slapped by life." 

      My opinion on this? These kids should be at the point where they learned about the birds and the bees. Should it be the parents that teach them? Sure! Should it be the school teaching them? Sure! The fact is that no one in Bosnia is teaching them about sex. So, what do teens do when they are curious? They experiment. At least seven of them experimented on this school trip! So, there you have it! Teach your kids about sex before someone else does!

     That's all from me until next year! The holidays are here. I'm going to enjoy my last few days as a single man....Please stay tuned for more of my buzzkill ramblings in 2015! Happy Holidays!

NOT JUNK IN HER TRUNK....I SAID KIDS IN HER TRUNK!

     I have many friends who are teachers and when I end up writing about teachers sleeping with their students, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Yeah, right! I write about those not to make the teachers look dumb because I don't feel the teachers are totally at fault. The students are the dimwits in those stories. This story, though.....Not so much!

     So, a middle school teacher in Oklahoma has been fired after school officials say she put students in the trunk of her car to run an errand. THAT.....IS.....INCREDIBLE! Heather Cagle, who taught at Wells Middle School in Cartoosa, OK, allegedly packed 11 of her students into her Honda Accord last October for a trip to Walmart for snacks. Seven of the kids piled into the backseat, two rode in front and two 12-year-old girls were locked in the trunk. She had no parental or school permission for the snack quest. 

     Cagle told the school board last Wednesday, "It was a terrible mistake. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to do something nice." Since when was putting someone in a dark trunk something nice? Can you imagine someone rear-ending her car? Those kids would have been killed. Cagle drove to a Walmart store just behind the middle school, where the two buildings actually share a parking lot. 

     An attorney for Cartoosa Public Schools called the act "mental abuse," while Cagle's lawyer says the teacher merely violated a seatbelt law and pointed out she didn't force any any of the children into the car. Regardless, the board voted to fire Cagle, who worked for the school system since 2005. I think the real issue here that her attorney is missing is the fact that she put two kids in the trunk, which is endangering the lives of the children. I will admit, though, that this story is absolutely hysterical! Yes, Cagle is an absolute moron, but I'm just glad that this didn't happen to any teachers I know and most of all, any children that I know either. 

MRS. DEXTER?

         If you've ever seen the TV series, Dexter, you might enjoy this story, but ladies, I would not advise doing this to your man and men, I would not advise beating your ladies if they look as hot as this!

     Anyway, this is 40-year-old, Maria Alejandra Lafuente Caso (Damn, they have long ass names in Mexico.). She's a psychologist who murdered and decapitated her abusive husband before scattering his remains across Mexico City. As she was doing this, she sent text messages from his phone so friends and family would think he was still alive. That is sick! 

     Caso, who claimed she had been repeatedly beaten by her husband 41-year-old, Allen Carrera Cueller (his name is a little shorter), drugged him by slipping sleeping pills into his drink at their home in Mexico City. She then took a chainsaw and chopped his body up, stuffing his remains inside black bin liners and deposited the parts around the city. So, basically, she murdered him Dexter-style and instead of dropping his body parts out at sea, she dropped his body parts around Mexico City William Wallace-style.

     Police launched an investigation after children discovered his head while playing in a local park. His hands and feet were later found in another part of the city. To keep friends and family off of her trail, she told them he'd gone on a business trip and sent them text messages from his phone. According to police, "After we found the remains and managed to identify him from DNA, she pretended to be a grieving widow. But a forensic examination of her home found traces of blood and bone gristle in the carpets and bits of flesh in the bathroom. She then tried to have herself sectioned using her knowledge of mental illness as a psychologist so she wouldn't have to stand trial for his murder. But we had a doctor carry out tests and she is of perfectly sane mind." 

     Caso now faces life in prison. You know what her mistake was? No placing plastic everywhere. When Dexter used to kill his victims and chop up their body parts, he would do it over plastic so that there was no bone gristle or flesh to be found anywhere. She probably could have gotten away with this a little longer, but eventually the family and friends would have went looking for him. He could have only been on a business trip for so long. After looking at this body, though; can you even picture a small girl like this can even commit such a heinous crime?   

THE $1 MILLION DOLLAR COOKIE

     Now, I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this. I mean, if I had something that was worth $1 million on my plate? I might put it in my pocket and try to hock it later. I don't think that I would be eating it. Then again, after I tell you what these little treats are, you might not be able to control yourself. I type this as drool comes rolling down to my chin. 

     This year was a big year for inventions! A man was equipped with a bionic eye that allowed him to see for the first time in 30 years. This month, doctors figured out how to 3D print a knee joint. This year also produced an iPhone case that doubles as a taser. And now there are these tasty treats! The recipe for Peanutty Pie Crust Clusters has won this year's 49th Pillsbury Bake-Off and the lackluster edibles were valued at $1 million. Here's where I'll have you scratching your head. It's ingredients include refrigerated pie crust, vegetable shortening, peanut butter and some salted cocktail peanuts. That's all! $1 million? Really? 

     In a year that garnered the pleasure of docking our smartphones in a bowl of ramen, one would hope that a recipe with a bit more creativity would be crowned winner of this enormous baking competition. The Peanutty Pie Crust Clusters probably taste delicious, as anything made with peanut butter usually is, but their presentation might not scream $1 million, nor would it garner much attention at a PTA bake sale. Just saying!

     Since 1949, amateur bakers and dough enthusiasts around the US have participated in the Pillsbury Bake-Off competition. While the rules and prizes have been tweaked over the decades, but this year to be eligible to win the one million smacker grand prize, applicants were required to use at least two ingredients from an approved list, which included a bunch of Pillsbury products and secondary brands like Green Giant and Jif Peanut Butter and they were not allowed to use more than seven ingredients. This decades-old competition birthed some incredibly delicious homemade treats: Fudgy Bonbons, Candy Bar Cookies, and Peanut Blossoms. 2014 was the first year that voting was open to the public. So, Pillsbury isn't entirely to blame, right America? One of the runners-up was a Chocolate Doughnut Poppers, who was more deserving of the crown on appearance alone. No, I don't have photos of that one.

     Okay, so now I ask you, would you eat those $1 million cookies? I mean I could understand if the cookies were made with truffles or lobster or something, but peanut butter? I will admit that I am pretty hungry right now, so these things do look tasty, but for a million bucks, these things are going into my pocket and being sold to Slugworth....Only my Willy Wonka fans will get that reference!

     

WHAT A BUNCH OF BULLS**T!

     Don't want to put up with the same old bullshit this year for the holidays? Then, I have the perfect gift idea for you for that special someone in your life. I just wish I would have thought of it first! 

     So, apparently, about 30,000 people bought a hot steaming pile of truth in advertising this Black Friday, courtesy of Cards Against Humanity, the folks behind the madcap card game which bills itself as a "party game for terrible people." Well, they offered to send people "actual bullshit" in a special offer the day after Thanksgiving. The company explicitly said that anyone who bought the $6 holiday bundle should expect to open a box of poop from a live bull. According to one report, game creator Max Temkin repeatedly tweeted out that it was just poop, people continued to buy. Before the day's end, the poop had sold out. 

     Cards Against Humanity has pulled clever holiday pranks in the past including 2013's "12 Weeks of Holiday BullShit." That fact may have fueled Internet rumors that this year's special package contained more of the same, or even a limited edition of the game. But despite all that, the company appears to have delivered on its promise on sending bull crap!

    The contents of the box appears to be a dry and largely inoffensive piece of dung. People are reportedly re-selling the boxed poop on eBay for up to five times the stickered price. Others panicked and wrote frantic emails to Cards Against Humanity asking for their money back. Those requests appeared to have been hilariously denied. Although some companies will do it as a novelty, it's illegal to send feces to people via U.S. mail for the purpose of harassment. I'm not even sure what to say because anyone who knows me, knows that I absolutely love this! Those of you who bought it and want your money back, shame on you! Cards Against Humanity did nothing to hide the fact that they were selling BullShit and you still bought it. If you didn't believe that they were actually going to send you BullShit, that's really on you, isn't it? Why should they refund your $6? I also love the people selling it on eBay for $30. I love everything about this and wanted to share it. Take a look at this video, you'll totally love it!

UTTERLY RIDICULOUS

     It makes me sick that the state of New York even had to pass this as a law. This should just be common sense. Anyway, Governor Cuomo will be signing legislation today outlawing the tattooing or piercing of pets. WHAT? Why is tattooing or piercing a pet even ever an option? That is plain stupid and anyone tattoo artist or piercer who has ever done this deserves to be behind bars!

     Governor Cuomo stated, "This is animal abuse, pure and simple. I'm proud to sign this common-sense legislation and outlaw these cruel and unacceptable practices one and for all in New York." The bill, which was approved by Legislature back in June, was introduced by Assemblywoman Linda Rosenthal in 2011 after she saw stories on the Internet about a woman selling "Gothic kittens" with piercings on their necks, ears and spines. The legislation gained some momentum earlier this year after a Brooklyn tattoo artist known as Mistah Metro posted a photo of his tattooed pooch on Intagram. The photo, which showed the brown and white pup marked with a heart-shaped tattoo with an arrow through it and a ribbon around it reading "Alex" and "Mel", created a firestorm of controversy.

     As an animal lover, I'd love to see anyone who has tortured their pet like this, burn in hell. As a tattoo shop reviewer and columnist, I am disgusted that any tattoo artist would stoop so low to tattoo and torture a poor innocent animal, who can't speak for themselves. This makes me sick! The comment under the Instagram photo from that douchebag tattoo artist read" "One of the many reasons my dog is cooler than yours! She had her spleen removed today and the vet let me tattoo her while she was under." What a douche!

     Rosenthal, one of the Legislature's most ardent animal-rights advocates, said pets need protection from careless owners. She's written a legislation giving judges the power to issue orders of protection to pets, limiting the testing of cosmetics on animals and giving cities special powers to shut down puppy mills. Her anti-animal-piercing was on of more than 100 pieces of legislation passed by lawmakers earlier this year still awaiting action by the governor. Like I said earlier, I can't believe that a law like this needs to be passed. People are assholes and anyone who tortures an animal like this needs to be put away because that's what this is.....Torture!

POT FOR TEACHER

     All of you seem to love my blogs about teachers. Today, I found a story about a teacher, but it's not the kind that many of you like to read from me. You see; police in Annapolis, Maryland are saying a teenager eating a pot brownie in class panicked when his teacher asked him for a piece of his brown treat. Well, now he is being charged for obliging. I actually have a little bit of a problem with this. Why was the teacher asking for a piece of the teenager's snack? When I was in high school, I've never seen a teacher ask a student for a piece of their snack. What is that? Maybe a piece of gum or some candy or something. That's like asking for a bite out of their sandwich or something. 

     Anyway, Anne Arundel County police said this past Tuesday that the 17-year-old didn't tell the teacher the brownie was made with marijuana. Well, why would he tell her that? Again, why was she even asking? The teacher began feeling ill and acted disoriented and was brought to the nurse's office at Broadneck High School in Annapolis in Monday. After she came down off of her high, the teacher told police that the student had given her the brownie during third period and that she suspected it contained marijuana. Um, am I missing something here? Didn't she ask him for a piece? Now, she saying that he gave it to her? I believe he gave a her a piece out of fear of getting into trouble if he didn't give her a piece. Then again, if he voluntarily just gave her a piece out of the blue, this kid could be in some trouble. 

     The student , who is from nearby Arnold, MD, was charged with juvenile counts of administering a dangerous substance, assault and reckless endangerment. Police did not release the name of the boy and said he was released to a legal guardian. I have to be honest, this kid got a raw deal. Yes, he should not have been eating this in school, but if the teacher asked him for a piece and was adamant about it; how is he the one in trouble. Assault and reckless endangerment? He didn't force the brownie on this teacher. She ate it on her own. The only thing that could have made this story great is when she got high off the brownie, she started getting all horned up and banging all the boys in class. Then again, that's a whole other blog for me to write about. 

THE CROW FLEW STRAIGHT ONE LAST TIME

     As you know, I normally write about news stories and try to keep entertainment out of my blogs, but for some reason, I can't seem to shake the ending of my favorite show, Sons of Anarchy. Now, for those of you, who DVR'ed it and plan on watching tonight, which I'm not sure how you could not have watched it last night, just stop reading now because there may be some SPOILER leaks here and I don't want to ruin it for you. That being said, I want to say "Bravo!" to my writing idol, Kurt Sutter on ending this series the way it should have been ended. Yes, some of us knew some of these demises were coming, but Kurt Sutter found a way to put an exclamation point on them and the series' lead character, Jax Teller was no different. 

     I will admit that I didn't watch the series from the very beginning. My future in-laws kept raving about it, so finally after the second season, we decided to give it a shot and were hooked immediately. Sutter's cast of characters were amazing, likable, and for he ladies, pretty good looking for an outlaw biker gang. My guitar player used to rave about this show as well, and a song that I played with Ray West from Spread Eagle for 3 years, "Novacaine" was actually in the first season of the show, which I eventually caught up on within 2 days of intense watching during the third season. Once we finally caught up, Tuesday nights became Teller Tuesday and to be quite honest, that third season in Belfast, where Jax went looking for his son, Abel, might have been my favorite season of the show. 

     Now, back to Kurt Sutter! What an amazing writer and storyteller. After watching the first season of The Shield, it seems Kurt really found his niche in that type of drama, which included sex, drama, action, and plot twists. That style of writing carried over to Sons. Many said that Sutter used Shakespeare's Hamlet as a basis to tell his story about an outlaw biker gang. He may have, but who cares? It made for great appointment TV every week. A lot of my biker friends would ask me why I watch the show and then they would mock the fact that Jax wore white sneakers while riding his Harley. Well, that made him different and I'm sure Kurt Sutter knew that since he immersed himself in the biker world before writing this series. Not to mention, he had Hell's Angels members as consultants on the show to give it some realism. 

     I felt this final episode had the appropriate ending as opposed to The Sopranos, who just faded to black during a Journey song or True Blood, who did that flash-forward thing. It was more like Dexter or Boardwalk Empire, where they gave you closure on all storylines. The tone was set early in the final episode from the word "Previously....," which by the way sounded like John Teller's voice if anyone noticed, to the opening theme song. Jax waking up and burning all of the journals he used to write through the years, photos of his mom and dad and the First Nine, his dad's manuscript on how Samcro went wrong, and the birth certificates of him and his brother. The next scene showed Jax visiting his best friend Opie's grave, who I think had one of the most surprising deaths on the show, and leaving his "SONS" rings on his headstone, and then right behind Opie, Jax would visit the gravesite of his slain wife Tara, who was killed last season by his mom, Gemma, whom he killed last episode for killing Tara. Anyway, he visited Tara's grave and left his wedding ring on her headstone. Um, if that doesn't say I'm going to kill myself, I don't know what does. 

     Without getting too much into last night's final episode, I liked the way Sutter tied up all of the loose ends with the Irish, the club's former nemesis The Mayans, the dirty cop, August Marks, and then eventually Samcro. Most of us didn't want to see the show end, but I have to say, Kurt Sutter ended it the best way he know how and from I've been reading, it was the plan all along. Jax Teller needed to die for the violence to stop in Charming and for his boys to not know his life of chaos. Then again, will Jax's son Abel ever forget? In one of the final scenes, we saw Abel fumbling with a SONS ring of his own and he already showed a violent streak in school. Is this allowing Sutter to come back to a Sons show in the future with Abel a patched in member? Sutter did say that a prequel to Sons of Anarchy might be in the works telling the story of the "First Nine." 

     Many of you are also asking about the homeless woman and the bread. My take on the homeless woman was that she was sort of a Grim Reaper character. If you noticed, whenever one of the main characters died, she was in a scene prior. Jax asked, "Who are you?" She handed him her blanket and told him, "It's time." Now, Kurt Sutter claimed last night, "She's whatever you want her to be." It only makes sense. The bread? I have no idea except that she was the one eating it and maybe the crows picked it up and flew with it and coincidentally ended up where Jax met his demise. Another one of my favorite scenes from last night was that Michael Chiklis, the star of Sutter's previous show The Shield, was the truck driver who would kill the star of his latest show, Sons of Anarchy. Brilliant! 

     Because of Sons of Anarchy, I finally officially got my motorcycle license a couple of years ago. I also discovered that Kurt Sutter is one of my favorite TV writers of all-time and I can't wait to see what he does with his new show The Bastard Executioner. Now, when the hell are we going to see a Sons of Anarchy video game? And what the hell am I going to do on Tuesdays now?

HE KILLED HIS STEPDAUGHTER TO BANG HER CORPSE

     Okay, I'm one of those people who can tolerate a lot of things because I find humor in everything. I even find humor in my fear of "little people."The one thing that I can't seem to tolerate is necrophilia. All I can ask is why? They're just a dead lay! Their cold bodies just lay there. One of the stimulating factors, for me anyway, is hearing her breathe and get really into it. If you want to have sex with something cold and just lays there, put your hand on ice for a half hour and masturbate. Necrophilia is just gross!

     Anyway, that being said; an Easton, Pennsylvania man used necrophilia as motivation to fatally shoot his stepdaughter, so he can film himself doing her dead corpse. This is Gregory Graf and he recorded himself sexually abusing the body of Jessica Padgett. The video was discovered on Graf's computer. 

     Padgett, who was only 33, was last seen on November 21, she left work at a day care center. Graf was arrested five days later after police found her body buried behind a shed on the property where he lives with Padgett's mother. Graf is being held without bail on a homicide charge. The fencing company owner confessed to killing Padgett, a recently married mother of three. Padgett's family said in a statement that she was "a beautiful, vibrant young woman who was beloved by her family and friends. The world shines less bright today." 

     Graf applied for a public defender, saying that he didn't want to burden his family financially. He just wanted to bang his stepdaughter, but he couldn't do it whole she was live. He didn't really say that, but that's what it looks like. Needless to say, a judge turned him down, ruling he had enough money to pay for his own defense. Graf will be charged with abuse of a corpse. That's it? What about murder? How about the fact that he killed this girl just so he could have sex with her? Abuse of a corpse is only half of the story, but still so gross. What the hell is wrong with people?

STEALING CHRISTMAS

     Christmas is coming fast and I'm sure everyone is doing most of their Christmas shopping online, which means UPS and the Postal Service are busy delivering packages of Christmas gifts all around the country. But what if you tracked your package and it stated that the package was already delivered to your house days ago. Is it possible that the package was delivered to the wrong house? What if it was stolen right off your doorstep? 

     That's what happened in Macomb Township in Michigan when two teens went on a stealing spree re-creating Dr. Seuss' "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." 18-year-old Brandon Joel Chait and 19-year-old Brandon Maier Ancell were arrested this past Thursday after stealing packages from people's front doors. All I can say is that you can put this under the "WTF is Wrong with People" column. 

     The teens were caught by a quick-thinking neighbor who saw them taking a Macy's package from his neighbor's front door. As he saw them leave, he took his phone out, took a quick photo and called the police. While police were investigating the first report, they received another saying that the teens were seen taking off in a two-door dark blue 2010 Nissan Altima. The police followed their tracks and eventually found them at a red light. When the police pulled the teens over, they found 26 stolen packages in the car, which included cups, clothing and even dog food. 

     The teens were charged with $200- $1000 in larceny and their car was impounded. They were both granted a personal bond of $5,000. One of the teens was also charged with possession of marijuana. What a set of balls on these kids! First of all, that is not only theft, it's also tampering with mail, which is a Federal offense. Second of all, what the hell is wrong with you? I mean, who does this? Thankfully, one of the victims had a neighbor who thought on their toes. Then again, how did these boys know whether certain houses had cameras or not. Regardless, what a bunch of morons!

IN DEEP S**T!

     I remember when I was in school, the worst punishment that I ever received from a teacher was for talking too much. My fourth grade teacher, Mr. Grant, caught me talking so much that he used to make me write this poem a hundred times every time he caught me. I still remember it to this day: "Poems are fun in the morning, Poems are fun at night. If I talk again, then poems I'll have to write." It's funny how things like that will stick with you. I am almost positive that any of my grammar school classmates will remember this poem because we were a pretty talkative class. The things we remember from childhood. 

     That being said; the parents of an 8-year-old Washington State schoolboy are furious after he was ordered to unclog a toilet with his bare hands! What a shitty thing to do to a child! The third-grader was attending Scootney Springs Elementary in Othello, Washington, when he told his teacher that the toilet was blocked up. Instead of calling maintenance workers, the boy's teacher, Brent Taylor told him to clear it by himself. The 23-year teaching vet reportedly told the youngster, "It's nothing I haven't done before." 

     The boy thrust his hands into the toilet to tried to clear the blockage by breaking up anything in his way with his bare hands. His dad Artie and mom Lisa Adams said they were stunned to hear about the incident after asking their son how his day at school went. According to Artie, "He said everything was good, but my teacher made me put my hand inside the toilet. We were like 'WHAT?'"

     Obviously, the troubled parents complained to the school's principal, who issued Taylor with an official warning and ordered him to attend a hygiene course. Othello Superintendent George Juarez said the case was then closed. The Adams family (I so wanted to say that since seeing their last name was Adams!) said they believed the punishment was pretty "lax", which it definitely was, and have now transferred their song to another school. Lisa said, "He did get made fun of, kids did see this happen and he's not going to go to that school."

     Here's what Tim Louie has to say; this teacher is lucky the father didn't kick his ass. My niece is about the boy's age and if a teacher made my niece to this, you bet your ass that I would show up on the teacher's doorstep along with my sister and my brother-in-law. Who does that? For him to force a child to do this, it shows how disgusting of a person he is. The fact that the school did nothing to discipline the teacher proves the Adams family (I did it again!) made the right move transferring the boy to another school. If you ask me, the teacher's actions were another form of child abuse. So, yes, his punishment was laxed, though lax might not be the word I would have used in this scenario because it was pretty shitty!

GOING POSTAL OVER POT

     I never understood why people would mess with mail. It's a federal offense for crying out loud. I did a two-year stint as a temporary letter carrier when I couldn't find another job in radio. Most of the letter carriers that I worked with were very cool, but there were some who walked around with a chip on their shoulders. Why? Because you've been there for more than 20 years on the same route? How is that my problem? These were the carriers that I just stayed away from because they weren't helpful and they seemed kind of shady, which brings me to today's story. 

     So, eight postal workers were busted on Wednesday for stealing packages stuffed with marijuana from a Long Island mail processing center. My guess? These were the guys with chips on their shoulders. Investigators began focusing on the postal facility in Bethpage this past July after three Priority Mail packages were found in the backyard of an abandoned house in North Babylon and a drug-sniffing dog confirmed the odor of marijuana on the three packages. It was later determined that the packages had been sorted and processed at the Bethpage facility, and after a review of the surveillance video, it showed a postal worker sneaking out a fire escape door carrying large packages like the ones found discarded in the backyard. After taking a look at the facility's video going back to May 3, the postal worker and his co-conspirators allegedly stole 263 packages suspected of containing narcotics from the processing center. After stealing the packages the employees would put new address labels on them in a process called "overlabeling," so they can be delivered to new destinations in Long Island and Queens where the drugs can be sold. 

     The Postal Service can't be that dumb. This was obviously a racket. The plan was drummed up by someone outside the organization who knew they had a friend who worked for the Postal Service. That postal worker got a few friends involved (fellow workers with a chip on their shoulder), who needed some extra cash, and the deal was on. The drug source would send the packages to fake address, obviously. The crew at the post office was notified of the fake address to look for. Once the package was found, they would "overlabel" the address to the correct address once the package was sorted and passed through by them. It's the perfect crime....Or was it?

     Brooklyn U.S. Attorney, Lorretta Lynch said, "Abusing their positions of trust as postal employees, the defendants allegedly stole hundreds of packages to further their drug dealing efforts. " A U.S. Postal Service special agent stated, "United States Priority Mail parcels have become the method of choice for drug dealers for the covert transportation and distribution of controlled substances including marijuana."

     The feds executed search warrants on a dozen "overlabeled" packages, seizing 129 pounds of pot valued at up to $930,000. Is it me or is it hot in here? Wow! I wonder what happened to it? Did they burn it? Is it sitting in some room somewhere? Am I asking too many questions? The postal workers who took part in this racket were charged with theft and drug conspiracy. All men from Long Island, Brooklyn and Queens. All I can say is that as a former postal worker, this took some big cojones to try to pull off and the fact that they got away with stealing at least 263 packages; these guys made their money and then some in the past few months.

STOLEN VALOR

     Yesterday, right before I left work, this video showed up on Facebook, so I decided to watch it and it made me sick to my stomach. Now, I was never in the military, but my brother-in-law and his family members are in. My brother-in-law actually served two tours of duty; once in Gitmo Bay and the other in Iraq, which I thank him for all the time. Then you see a piece of crap like this guy wearing a uniform just to get military discounts on Black Friday. It makes me sick!

     So, anyway, a U.S. veteran busted a bogus Army Ranger in the middle of a Pennsylvania mall this past Black Friday and shamed the purported imposter with his cell phone camera. After Ryan Berk, a sergeant in the U.S. Army's 101st Airborne Division in Afghanistan, confronted the camo-clad man only identified as Shawn in the video clip. Berk shared the clip with the Stolen Valor Facebook page, a community dedicated to outing phony soldiers. Needless to say, the video went viral, prompting Bucks County officials to investigate possible fraud and stolen valor offenses. 

     Berk, who is 26, said he spotted the faker while Black Friday shopping with his girlfriend and her son at Oxford Valley Mall in Langhorne, PA. In the video, he approached the man, cell phone camera in hand, and said the boy wanted to meet the soldier. Unfortunately, for the phony soldier, the conversation quickly turned serious and Berk grilled the supposed Ranger on his uniform. Berk asked where the man earned his three Combat Infantryman Badges. When the man said he got all three in Afghanistan, Berk fired back that only one could be earned from service in the War on Terror. He later pointed out that the man's flag was too low on his sleeve. Eventually, Berk identified himself as a veteran and called the man's bluff. He screamed in the middle of the mall, "Stolen valor at its finest. Why don't you just admit that you're a phony?"

     An investigation on the man known as Shawn has begun because while wearing an Army uniform without serving is not illegal, reaping the benefits of military service like money, discounts and other perks is. The cell phone video does not show the man actually cashing in on any possible military benefits, but why else would he be wearing a uniform on Black Friday?

     This is absolutely disgusting! Like I said, my brother-in-law did go over there to fight for our freedoms and in that time, I'm sure he's seen many of his brothers fall. In fact, we weren't sure if he'd even come back himself. We're more than happy that he is home now, but to have assholes like this dress up and have the same honor as my brother-in-law and reap the same benefits as my brother-in-law is absolutely despicable. I'd love to see this guy get what's coming to him. I mean, watch the video below. Trust me, you will feel angered too after watching it.

 

AN OLD MAN AND A COUPLE OF TWINS....

     When you're old, rich and alone, I'm sure you turn escort services to keep you company since you can afford them. I mean I don't know this for sure, but I can assume that's what happens when you get older. 

     Anyway, an 84-year-old New Yorker's date with not one, but two 17-year-old twin sisters went awry with the senior citizen tied up and robbed. According to reports, Paul Aronson met with 17-year-old Shaina Foster last month through a site called SeekingArrangement.com, a sugar daddy site that bills itself as a place "where beautiful girls, successful people fuel mutually beneficial relationships." 

     After a first date, Shaina brought along her twin sister, Shalaine, along to the second date. The three dined at an expensive restaurant and then Aronson invited them back to his apartment for a drink. That's when things got out of hand, according to Shaina. "He asked us to do things I wasn't going to do. He is ugly, old and disgusting. I tied him up. Took his money and left. He was starting to creep me out," she said. So, the sisters allegedly tied Aronson up with zip ties, stole $420 worth of cash from his wallet and took his credit card. They then went on a shopping spree and bought makeup. Shaina even told authorities that she was surprised that Aronson even called the police. Really? You tied the guy up and robbed him, and you're surprised he called the cops? Wow, people are really dumb!

     Her sister Shalaine's lawyer said his client was brought along by her sister and didn't take part in any of the crimes her sister allegedly committed. Her lawyer went on to say, "There's always that story of the good twin and the bad twin, who goes right and who goes wrong. My client Shalaine was always going right but it seems she got caught up in something that was not of her making." Yeah, okay! Wrong place, wrong time? The two sisters were charged with kidnapping the old man, burglary, robbery, assault and grand larceny. They are being held without bail. What about prostitution? Shouldn't that be in there too? Oh, yeah, the guy was too old and ugly to bang. Nice to know that these girls had some sort of morals. 

     By the way, those of you who are asking why didn't Aronson get into trouble for taking a couple of 17-year-olds out on a date? The age of consent in New York is 17, which made the date totally legal and is the reason why he is the victim and seeing no charges against him. I mean, seriously, if you're going to use a dating site like this, you need to be more careful. When you have this guy's kind of money, wouldn't you just go through a madame? It might be more trustworthy. God, I hope I never get to that level!

WHO CUT THE CHEESE? IT SMELLS LIKE CHOCOLATE.....

     I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving holiday, as I know I sure did! But after eating all that turkey and stuffing, I'm sure we all had to deal with the bad gas that followed. Can you imagine passing gas and it smelling like chocolate? That is like my wettest dream come true! Okay, not really, but a dream come true nonetheless. 
    
     Anyway, we all know that France is well-known for it's fragrant perfumes and stinky cheeses, but the country' s latest and greatest contribution to odors may be a pill that makes your farts smell like chocolate. This sweet-smelling product is the creation of Christian Poincheval, a 65-year-old inventor who hails from the village of Gesvres and can pass for Santa Claus' hippie brother, which is perfect for the holidays!

       Poincheval sells the pills online at pilulpet.com for around $12.50 for 60 capsules. The website promises that the chocolate pills will "allow users to fart through to the New Year in grand style." The chocolate pills are the latest edition to Poincheval's odorific arsenal, which also includes pills that make your farts smell like roses or violets and a fart-reducing powder for pets, which I think my finacee and I can use for our Boston Terrier, Yankee. 

     Where did he come up with the idea for these sweet-smelling pills? According to Poincheval, he was eating dinner with friends back in 2006 when he realized the group had caused a gas attack at the restaurant. He said, "Our farts were so smelly after the copious meal, we nearly suffocated. The people at the table next to us were not happy. Something had to be done." This was the start of a long period of stinky researching, during which Poincheval made some interesting discoveries. He said, "When we were vegetarian, we noticed that our gas smelt like vegetables, like the odor from a cow pat, but when we started eating meat, the smell of the flatulence became much disagreeable. We needed to invent something that made them smell nicer."

     Poincheval claims his pills not only created chocolate-scented farts, they reduce intestinal gas and bloating thanks to ingredients like vegetable coal, fennel, seaweed, plant resin, bilberry and cacao zest. Since people tend to stuff their bellies during the holidays, Poincheval figured his chocolate fart pills would make amazing stocking stuffers. He said that he usually sees a surge in sales around the holidays because "some buy them because they have problems with flatulence and some buy them as a joke to send to their friends."

     I have to say that Poincheval might be the Albert Einstein of our time period! This invention is brilliant! I mean, don't get me wrong, my fiancee already farts roses, but this would be awesome for me because my farts are totally rancid! They smell so bad that they smell like the opening act for a poop concert at the Toilet Bowl! Now, I can imagine it smelling like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory! This is amazing!

MY TUTOR

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THE ODOR-EATING TOILET

     With Ferguson, Missouri burning itself to the ground over a kid who was poorly parented, I have a new invention to inform you about that will be all the rage this holiday season. I mean come on! Why is everyone making this a black or white issue. Parenting has no race and bad parenting will bring tragedy like this to any city. Is it worth burning down and looting your entire city? Is one kid's life worth acting like animals? Come on! This is so stupid! The terrorists in Isis are sitting in their caves laughing at us right now say, "We don't need to terrorize them! They do it to themselves." Is burning a city down and looting going to bring Michael Brown back? Is it going to change the decision of the court? The answer is NO! Will your city have to rebuild now from your stupidity? The answer to that is YES! 

     Therefore, today, I present to you the first odor-eating toilet seat, which is aimed at ridding restrooms across the country of the smell produced when we take our craps! Stop shaking your head. Crapping is a natural part of life. This is actually the second time human waste has been in the news within the past week. Last week, a company in England announced that they were using human feces to power a bus. This week Kohler releases this odor-eating toilet seat. 

     According to the Associated Press, the latest invention in toilet seats, the Purefresh, aims to eliminate the odors left behind in the bathroom to make the experience more pleasant and make cohabitation easier for everyone. I don't know. I don't have this problem. Purefresh, which went on sale earlier this month contains a fan hidden in a battery-operated seat that sucks in air and pushes it through an odor-eating carbon filter and an optional scent pack. According to officials with Kohler, "The toilet works to attack smells 'where the action is.'" To do so, the seat turns on automatically when a user sits down. The fan then emits a light hum as it filters odors. I'm sure the light fanning will tickle the hairs on your fanny as well. 

     The seat requires two D batteries to do its job and it uses scent packs similar to what might be found in car air fresheners. And just like the air fresheners used in cars and homes, the air fresheners in these toilet seats must be replaced periodically as well. The scents include Garden Waterfall, Soft and Fresh Laundry or Avocado Spa. In addition to wiping out bathroom odors, the Purefresh also comes equipped with two LED light settings to make sure consumers make their way to the bathroom without incident in the middle of the night. 

     I have to admit that this is pretty awesome. Kohler isn't the only company to get on the odor-eating bandwagon. A San Francisco-based company called Brondell introduced a similar seat back in 2006, but it had to be pulled off the market because the cost to produce the devise was way to high. I'm sure Kohler will not be having that problem. With Christmas around the corner, I would gladly add this to my Christmas wish list! By the way, I have three bathrooms...wink wink!

CHECK YOUR BUTT

 

     So, last month a woman walking around the streets of New York City with a hidden camera following her, showcased how many catcalls women receive on a daily basis in the Big Apple. The video was supposed to bring an end to street harassment. Yeah, good luck with that! Well, this cheeky hidden camera took to the streets of New York City once again. This month to promote prostate cancer awareness. Now, this is a pretty odd way to promote it, but I have to admit the girl wearing the hidden camera on her ass is pretty hot. Wouldn't you say?

     Anyway, armed with a camera attached to a tight pair of yoga pants, this hottie caught a a lot of men...and women checking her rump out. At the end of the promotional video that went viral, it reminded men they should check their butts out too. In an effort to raise awareness for prostate cancer a model walked around New York City with the camera taped to the back of her pants. A 1-minute video, released earlier this months, showed a slew of men and women, stealing glances of her behind and then urged men to get their regular prostate exam.  

     The Big Apple's famous Naked Cowboy was among the 59 peepers. Costumed characters in Times Square like Elmo, Cookie Monster and Woody for "Toy Story" all stole glimpses. The hilarious video ends with a warning that one in seven men will develop prostate cancer. Since November is Men's Health Awareness Month, the clip urged viewers to #checkyourbutt. To me, all this means is that my fellow man is never safe. We have to be careful how we act in public now because we never know who is filming us. Check out this cheeky and hilarious yet horrifying video! I hope none of you are in it!

PISS OFF!

     Well, next to Florida, I guess New Jersey would be the next trashiest state. Then again, how true can this story be? Anyway, this is 35-year-old Theresa Tumbleson. There is a manhunt for her today because she allegedly allowed her small dog to urinate on 14 dresses and 11 pairs of pants at a clothing store. Um, didn't they say it was a small dog? How can a small dog reach a bunch of dresses and pants?

     According to the report, Tumbleson and her pooch entered a Lane Bryant store earlier this week in Toms River, NJ at around 1 pm. The dog proceeded to urinate on the garments causing more than $2000 in damages. I still don't understand how a small dog can reach the garments to pee on them. Also, how was this dog allowed in the store? Wasn't there a "No Pets Allowed" sign in front of the store? If it was a mall, I thought that dogs weren't allowed in malls either? I almost felt like it was the stores fault for allowing the pet in the store until I read the next part of the story. 

     So, after the dog soiled the $2000 worth of clothing, store personnel asked Tumbleson to leave the business, but she became "belligerent and refused to leave," which prompted workers to call 9-1-1. After officers arrived at Lane Bryant, Tumbleson sped away in her Chevy Malibu, eventually running several red lights while being pursued by police. Due to the wet roadway and fear that the pursuit would endanger others, police discontinued the chase of Tumbleson. 

     In addition to charges stemming from the Lane Bryant incident, Tumbleson will face counts for eluding police and obstruction when she eventually does get apprehended. Bail has already been set at $30,000 for the latter charges. What can I say? I guess the trash isn't always in Florida! We have some here in Jersey too. 

MAN'S BEST FRIEND EATS MAN'S BEST FRIEND

     I don't even know what to say after reading this story. This definitely goes under the category of "What the f**k is wrong with people?" 

     So, a drunk who shot his best friend in the head before chopping off his penis and feeding it to his dog was so overcome with guilt that he turned himself in to the police as soon as he sobered up. WHAT? 

     A drunk Mario Alberto Lizalde Reyes (as if his name wasn't long enough) had been walking his dog with lifelong friend Mario Hernandez Banda, when the two men started arguing. Reyes claimed that Banda had tried to touch him "in a sexual way" in the neighborhood of Parajes de San Isidro, in the city of Ciudad Juarez, in the north-central Mexican state of Chihuahua. Reyes said in an interview, "We were both drunk and he tried touching me in a sexual way. After pushing him off, he went to urinate in an alley, so I followed him, pulled out my gun and shot him in the head. I then took his knife off him and chopped off his penis as punishment and put it in a bag, but my dog was next to me and was sniffing at it so I decide to give it to him and he ate it." Am I the only one about to throw up? Who acts like this? 

     Leaving the bloody body slumped in the alley, Reyes then casually finished walking his dog before going home to sleep off the booze. The next day, he felt so guilty about what he had done, he decided to turn himself in to the police.

     A police spokesperson said, "He came in covered in cuts and bruises, and said that he fought with his stepfather when he told him what he had done. He then admitted to killing his best friend and said that although his friend had tried sexually assaulting him, he was still a human being and didn't deserve to die." Reyes is now facing life in jail. 

     Again, I have no words for this story. I'm actually beside myself that someone can get this drunk to shoot someone in the head, cut their penis off and then feed it to their dog. My mind is blown. Seriously, what can be said after hearing a story like that? Even hearing that the guy was so guilt-ridden that he turned himself in came secondary to what he had done. I mean if you didn't like the sexual advances, then just don't hang out with him anymore. Better yet, when you're that drunk, should you really be handling a firearm? Then again, they were in the city of Juarez, home of the cartel. Like I said...No words.

DO YOU MAKE THE GRADE?

     I have to admit that I am so happy that I am no longer dating and will be someone's husband in less than two months. Some of the new apps on these smart phones lately don't even make dating fun anymore? What ever happened to courting a girl and doing your best to see if there is chemistry there? Or how about being on a bad date and watching the girl squirm to try to end the date sooner rather than later? With these new smartphone apps, they take the fun out of dating and I'm glad that I don't have to do it anymore. I mean only a couple weeks ago, I blogged about an app where women put a device, attached to their phone, on their shoe and when their date was going horrible, all they had to do was click their heels three times and it would trigger the app to call or text them with a family emergency. Like I said, no fun!

     Well, there are two more new dating apps that my fellow man has to be worried about. There is one called The Grade, which just launched on Monday, and was designed to weed out troublemakers and trolls by using an algorithm to assign academic letter grades for the men. The grades are based on user profiles, response rates and message quality, so that unresponsive users are penalized along with those who ask for suggestive photos. Individuals who end up with an "F" average are banned from the app, but they are given the opportunity to appeal their grade. Users who average a "C" or lower will get a warning along with advice on how to bump up their grades. The app was created after market research showed that women on popular dating apps were unhappy with the quantity of low-quality daters and the frequency of inappropriate, hostile and sexually suggestive messages. That's because women pick the wrong guys to date! They always do! Whoever said that men think with their dicks never took women into consideration because they think with their vaginas too and because of that, apps like these need to be developed. 

     Another app launched this month, but is only available to Apple users in the U.K. is called Antidate, which allows women to look at the profiles and locations of male users but the guy cannot view the woman's details unless she indicates that she wants to strike up a conversation with him. Therefore, it's up to the girls to make the first move. The idea for this app is for female users to not have to worry about getting bombarded with unwanted or explicit messages while the men can "sit back and relax" until the ladies initiate contact. Accounts are hooked up through Instagram and users are asked to upload real-time selfies that are then time-stamped. Antidate also features an "Eyeball ID," which is a positive rating if another Antidater confirms that you look like your picture. 

      I don't know. If I had to pick which app I liked best it would be the Antidate one because I feel that when I was dating, that's the way it went anyway. I would wait for the girls to friend me on Myspace or Facebook or whatever it was back when I was still dating. I wouldn't troll those pages and just friend strange women. Then again, there are men out there that do. Any way you look at this; dating is just not fun anymore!

'VACATION BOOBS' MAY BE HERE BY 2016

     It's no secret that all women with mediocre-sized breasts has thought about getting breast implants. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Do really you think that guys with small weiners are content with their sizes as well? Hello, penis pump? Anyway, ladies, what if you had the chance to try these fake boobs on for size before you went ahead had them implanted inside of you? 

     Well, plastic surgeon Norman Rowe is offering women the ability to test-drive breast implants before they buy them. Rowe is the inventor of InstaBreast, a "lunchtime lift" which offers women instant breast enlargement that last 24-hours. Rowe is now hard at work on "Vacation Breasts." The New York City doctor expects that his new augmentation will last at least two to three weeks, which will allow the user to enlarge her breasts for a vacation or a special occasion.

     Rowe isn't revealing the chemical makeup that would be injected into patients, but he did reveal it's a saline solution with an additive that's already used in medical circles for other reasons. Although, Rowe is able to increase women's breast sizes a whole cup to a cup and a half using the InstaBreast procedure, he wanted to prolong the experience for his patients. He says, "24-hours is great, but it's still just 24-hours." He claims it wouldn't just appeal to women considering bikinis for their next cruise or sending in their RSVP to a wedding or class reunion. He says that it would help women who are thinking of getting permanent augmentation to see what the weight will actually feel like and what it will be like to live with new breasts. I mean why not? Like I said earlier, most women think about getting implants. Some don't because of how much it cost to get them. Others don't out of fear because it will totally change their appearance, but I think it changes their appearance in a very good way. It can make an ugly girl much more attractive. Wait! I'm sorry....That was Shallow Tim speaking. This is absolutely weird!

     Rowe says he's been in touch with the FDA and anticipates getting the procedure on the market by 2016. He also went on to say that Men might be able to take advantage of the procedure as well; they can use it to benefit their pecs and calves. What? That's it? If a guy wanted to enhance their pecs and calves, they would just go to the gym and work those parts out. He needs to help find guys a temporary fix for their girth. Oh wait! There are pills for that, right? Nevermind! Let's just stick to 'Vacation Boobs!' 

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

     First there was the one night stand after a drunken night in bars and then nine months later....Surprise! Your result from that one night stand. Now, there's a new way to find that one night stand without the awkward drunkenness or the surprise of a baby bump. 

     If you look at Internet dating sites, they promise you that they'll find "the one." Today, some women are taking to the Internet to find "the one" who will impregnate them. Instead of relying on sperm banks, a rising number of people are using donor sites to arrange to have sex with strangers to reproduce. Donors and hopeful mothers turn to "natural insemination" because they believe getting pregnant is more likely the old-fashioned way. 

     So, the strangers find each other on sites devoted to co-parenting and Facebook groups like Free Sperm Donors. The deal is an alternative for men who want to father children without any strings attached and a way for women to use donors at a much lower financial cost, although the cost of sexually transmitted infections and abuse could be high for all parties. One girl, who remained anonymous, found natural insemination while searching the Internet for "free sperm" options and decided on the method for its lower costs and fresh sperm over the frozen kind. 

     Men, who post ads to donate via sex, insist that it's not about scoring. One guy named Joe said, "People might want to have millions of dollars in the bank, and then, you know, some of us might want to have dozens of children out there. I'm unable to have as many children as I want in my relationship, and that would be unreasonable to ask a woman to give birth to 30 children." Joe is a star! By the way, Joe's slept with more than 100 women in seven years for natural insemination. He travels the country to impregnate women in what looks like his "Superhero" life. Unbeknownst to his wife and three teenage children, who are part of his "Clark Kent" life. He hopes to have as many children as possible. Didn't they make a movie about this with Vince Vaughn? 

     There were so many more stories like Joe's in the article, but I think that you get the idea on how this works. Sperm banks can cost a pretty penny and are often $700 for one vial of sperm. But sperm banks also screen for diseases, genetic history and physical characteristics, which strangers on the Internet often cannot. The only thing they can show you is photos of their kids on their iPhones. This way you know their kids look healthy. That is so ghetto, though. 

     I wonder how it works if the donor and the girl end of having a physical attraction to one another? Does the donor leave his "Clark Kent" life to be with this new girl? I mean this new method definitely has it's ups and downs, but I'd like to know what you think about this. Please feel free to leave comments. 

     

HE'S A FREE MAN

     By now, many of you have seen this video. If you haven't, you're either not on Facebook or on the Internet all that much because this video went as viral as viral can get. I will post the video again at the bottom of this blog. Some of you might think this guy is the piece of crap for hitting this girl, but most of you might think this girl deserved what she got. I'm with the latter bunch of you. 

     Anyway, prosecutors have dropped all charges against Jorge Pena, the 6-foot-6 part-time bouncer who was arrested for slapping a woman during a subway melee. Here's the part that gets confusing; the 25-year-old is willing to apologize for the slap heard around the world, even though he did it in self-defense. He said, "A man is never supposed to hit a girl." I agree with that statement, but when someone acts like an animal like this woman did in this instant, sometimes justice must be served. Pena was wearing an 8-ball jacket that caught the eye of his assailants and made him the victim of ridicule. He said, "She put me in a position that I had no choice. She tried to kill me." The subway brawl broke out on the F train at around 4:20 a.m. on Saturday night and video became an overnight sensation.  


     Still, Pena, who works all kinds of jobs to support his girlfriend and their 20-month-old son, says if he saw the woman he struck, he would say sorry for striking her. Screw that! Once you see this video, you will agree the bitch deserved it! Pena, who moved here from the Dominican Republic four years ago, had just finished a 12-hour shift when the woman and her friends attacked him on the F train. After hurling insults at him, she slapped him and hit hi, in the back of the head with her high-heeled shoes. Another woman jumped on him and beat him with her clutch purse. I'm sorry, but if you treat another human being like this, did these girls really think that someone was going to sit there and take it? Really? I mean this is downright bullying and I can't believe that he held off as long as he did, so I commend him for that. These girls are stupid if they thought that people would just sit there and take their abuse. 
 
     According to Pena's lawyers, he plans to sue the city over the wrongful arrest. He was released after prosecutors realized from the video that he was only acting in self-defense. The case was officially dismissed on Monday in Manhattan Criminal Court after the DA's office reviewed the tape, which shows Pena getting harassed by the women. For those of you who never saw the video, take a look and let me know if you think Pena should be apologizing to this woman: