THE QUEEN OF JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGE

     Okay, first of all, I'm not sure if I should be proud or insulted that I received this story on Facebook from three different people last night saying they thought of me when they saw this story...(sigh) So, thanks, Roberto, Candi and Jen for this amazing story! 

      Let's just get to it; on Monday night, police were called to a Louisiana Walmart under the suspicion that a customer was shoplifting food. According to the police report, a Walmart worker contacted security through one of their walkies about a suspicious woman in the meat aisle. Security cameras filmed a 33-year-old woman named Shaniqua Johnson (I'm not racist, but that is definitely not a white girl's name.) shoving sausages under her shirt. The footage showed the woman walking to the bathroom, where she remained for at least 30 minutes. 

     Becoming even more suspicious now, the male security guard knocked on the bathroom door several times, but the woman did not respond. He then announced that he was entering. What he found behind the door of the unlocked stall is something that he will never be able to shake from his mind and "haunt his dreams forever." He reported that when he entered the stall....wait for it......Shaniqua Johnson was inappropriately pleasing herself with a Jimmy Dean package of sausage. He also stated that she didn't even stop when he entered. She just stared at him and kept going. I am dying right now as I write this. I even just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

     Appalled and fearing for his life, the 140-pound security guard ran out of the bathroom until police arrived because Shaniqua Johnson was a "mountain of a woman." When the police did arrive, female officers entered the restroom while Johnson continued to work that Jimmy Dean sausage. It took seven officers to restrain her and pry the victimized sausage out of the woman's hands. 

     Shaniqua Johnson was arrested and taken into custody where she was charged with shoplifting, indecent exposure and resisting arrest. Walmart management said in no way do they tolerate this type of behavior. They have a strict policy against shoplifters and a sign on the bathroom door that states "No merchandise allowed beyond this point." They didn't, however, call to attention the masturbating in their store. Is that allowed? Shoplifting and bringing things into the bathroom were the only things they addressed. And what about the stamina on Shaniqua Johnson? She just did not want to stop. Jimmy Dean should make her their spokesperson because of her love for the breakfast meat alone. I'll never look at a Jimmy Dean sausage the same again.