TOUCHY-FEELY TEACHER

     This isn't your typical teacher-student love story that I normally write about. Today's story is actually about a high school teacher who is reportedly in hot water after a racy photo appears to show students getting an impromptu anatomy lesson at the prom! That's right! In this "tit"-illating photo, Amy Douglas of Beaver County, PA is seen with two hands grabbing her boobs while she playfully bites her tongue. Yeah, I'm not sure that's acceptable. I've never grabbed any of my teacher's boobs when I was younger out of respect and the fact that I might have been expelled for it. 

     One of the students posted on the photo after it was posted on Instagram, "Everyone is jealous we got to touch Douglas boobs!" According the original news source, the photo originally showed the two students in full next to Douglas, but they were edited out to protect their iden-"titties." All three are said to be wearing dresses in the photo because the photo is believed to have been snapped back in May during the district's prom, an event that Douglas was reportedly a chaperone for.

     The photo was supplied to the local newspaper under the condition that the supplier's name not to be released. So, thank you for the photo, June Smith! Kidding! The individual who leaked the picture said that both students were seniors at the time, but they've since graduated. Officials with the Rochester Area School District said they are aware of the photo and are investigating the situation. 

     I'm not sure what needs to be investigated? Two former students obviously grabbed Miss Douglas' boobs. What can you possibly do to the students who already graduated? Take their diplomas away? Make them repeat senior year? Based on the photo, it doesn't seem Douglas was fighting them off either. So, really? What kind of punishment can you give the parties involved? It's not like Douglas molested the girls. If anything, she was the one molested. How can you discipline the person being groped? I see no solution here and no need for an investigation. It's just a silly senior picture. Move on!

LION PIECE OF TRASH

     I'm just going to jump right into this one. Now, I have friends that hunt for gaming purposes and I get that hunting has been a part of humanity since the beginning of time, but aren't there rules to hunting? I mean my friends who do hunt, can only hunt birds certain times out of the year or deer on another part of the year. Then, if I'm not mistaken, there's also a season for bow hunting and another season for using guns. I agree with hunting when it comes to controlling the population of some animals. I don't agree with hunting when it comes to endangered species. 

     That's what brings me to today's story. Many of you have probably already read about it, but for those of you who didn't; this is Minnesota dentist Walter Palmer. He's a trophy-hunting American who recently sparked worldwide outrage after he killed a beloved lion that was lured off protected land in Zimbabwe. He is now facing poaching charges. The word is he paid $55,000 to a couple of local guides for the lion hunt earlier this month in the African nation. 

     According to authorities, the safari was more like a mob hit, with the unwitting 13-year-old king of the jungle known as Cecil was lured to his death on unprotected land outside of Hwange National Park. So, basically, Cecil The Lion was safe in his habitat, but this piece of shit Palmer and his two henchman lured Cecil out of the protected habitat, so they can kill him in unprotected territory. Yup! I'd say that was exactly like a mob hit!

     After Palmer shot the lion with a bow and arrow, the wounded beast was stalked by Palmer and crew for 40 hours before it was shot, skinned and beheaded, with its carcass dumped near the park's border. Palmer, in a four-paragraph apology, blamed his guides for the apparent illegal killing, but his words fell on deaf ears. Way to throw your henchman under the bus, Palmer! It seems you were the one who shot it with a bow and arrow and it seems that you were the one who pulled the trigger, shithead!

     Authorities in Zimbabwe charged the local men in the killing and are said to be seeking Palmer. The Zimbabwe Parks and Wildlife Management Authority said, "All persons implicated in this case are due to appear in court facing poaching charges." Animal activists, celebrities and average Americans blasted the suddenly infamous dentist. The authority continued, "If, as has been reported, this dentist and his guides lured Cecil out of the park with food so as to shoot him on private property, because shooting him in the park would have been illegal. He needs to be extradited, charged and preferably, hanged."

     Angry Minnesotans left a half-dozen stuffed animals. including a toy lion outside the front foor of Palmer's shutterd office in Blooomington. Palmer, a married father of two, didn't fare much better on Yelp either for his practice. One user wrote on Palmer's River Bluff Dental page: "Want to see your cash go to killing animals in Africa?"

     The slaying of Cecil was not the first time that Palmer drew law enforcement scrutiny. In 2008, he pleaded guilty to a felony charge tied to his shooting of a black bear in an unauthorized area of western Wisconsin. Palmer was convicted of making false statements by lying about the area the bear was shot. He was fined $3,000 and put on one year's probation. How does this guy have his own practice? Oh, it gets even better! In a separate case, his insurance company paid $127,500 to a former employee who accused the dentist of sexual harassment. Palmer, who claimed that he approved the settlement to dispose of the matter, made unwanted contact with the woman's breasts, buttocks and genitals. Like I said in my headline --  Lion Piece of Trash!

     Palmer promised cooperation in the probe, but added he was not contacted by authorities in either Zimbabwe or the U.S. about the incident. He also stated that he relied solely on his guides and their expertise. Sounds to me like someone is lying here. Especially because his online bio reads: "a prolific big-game hunter who travels the world to stalk animals like elk, lions, rhinoceros, leopards and bighorn sheep." Okay.....game over!

BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU PEE

     I was never a fan of peeing in public, but I have friends who do it all the time. Apparently, it's an epidemic in San Francisco. So much that San Fran's Department of Public Works recently announced that it will be coating nine walls around the city with hydrophobic paint to help combat public unrinators. Basically, be careful where you pee if you're in San Francisco. The pee might bounce back at you.

     The Ultra-Ever Dry paint is a waterproof pain that works as a repellant of liquids. It can coat any surface and it has been used before on paper and fabrics. The DPW coated walls located around the Mission and SOMA districts, but is looking to expand he paint job if the pilot program was a success. Unfortunately, coating these walls costs several hundred dollars. 

     According to SFDPW chief Mohammed Nuru, "The team that did the testing were excited because the liquid bounces back more than we thought it would. We will send people to see, visually, if there are any wet signs to indicate urination has happened."

     San Francisco is not the first city to implement urine-repelling paint. The city of Hamburg, Germany has also used the paint and saw a decrease in people who use the streets as a bathroom. Nuru said, "Based on Hamburg, we know this pilot program is going to work. It will reduce the number of people using the walls. I really think it will deter them. Aside from the wall coating, San Fran is also introducing Pit Stop stations to offer public, portable toilets and sinks during certain hours. 

     I'm not sure this will work in New York City. Bums who don't care that pee will splash on them will continue to pee on the walls. Have you smelled a NYC bum? They smell like urine and body odor anyway. People who are bar-hopping and drunk will also not care about piss splashing on their pants. The only people this will deter from pissing on a wall in NYC is the average man who can't hold it. Then again, they're doing this in San Fran and not in NYC. 

GET A ROOM!

     I was going to write about a story that was trending this morning regarding one of my favorite wrestlers growing up and one of my favorite companies on the planet. I'm talking about Hulk Hogan and the WWE. Apparently, the WWE has detached itself from Hulk Hogan, who if you ask me, put the WWE on the map, because he said the "N" word during a radio interview. If you listen to the interview, the deejay says it first and it wasn't used as a derogatory. The way Hogan used the word was very conversational and was needed to be used within the conversation. Why the WWE took all mentions of Hogan off their website is beyond me. I would've been more worried about my title holder having naked pics of himself on Instagram, but that's just me. This whole Hogan thing is just silly! 

     Anyway, instead, I chose to share with you a story about a horny British couple who needs to get a room already! I mean these two took phone sex to a whole new level by having sex publicly in a phone booth. By the way, what the hell is a phone booth? Isn't this 2015?

     This is a viral photo of 30-year-old Gavin Wain and 41-year-old Lisa Kerley getting it on in some phone booth in the U.K. The couple made headlines around the U.K. this week after they were photographed doing the deed in a glass phone booth in broad daylight. With wry smirks, the couple defended their actions to news outlets, saying they were surprised at the backlash over the natural deed. Kerley said, "I didn't think anyone could see us. I don't think we have done anything wrong. We both like it outdoors and no one got hurt." (except the little beaver in the phone booth who kept getting stabbed over and over again!...Sorry, I had to!) How could this poor lady think no one can see them in a glass phone booth. Is she a moron?

     The couple got "in the mood" after drinking some lager from the grocery store in Wilnecote, Staffordshire, earlier this week. When they passed a phone booth, Wain, an amateur boxer asked if Kerley wanted "a quickie." Kerley said she was down and the couple dropped their drawers, got into the "phone box," as Wain called it, and went to town. A passing motorist driving a red Peugeot was outraged by the public display of affection and snapped some pictures of the Wain doing Kerley from behind. 

      The couple's dirty deed was first reported by the Sun newspaper earlier in the week and the story blew up all over the British tabloids this week, shocking the couple of one year. The couple was not shocked by the photo. In fact, they are said to have had sex everywhere from canals to fields, so they were not sorry in the least. Kerley stated: "We like having sex outdoors. It's healthy and gives you an extra buzz." Hey, whatever floats your boat! I'm old! I'd rather do it the old fashioned way.....In a car! I mean a bed! I'm still trying to figure out where they found a phone booth. They still make those? 

BURGLAR UNDER THE BED...FOR THREE DAYS!

     I know that this story came in yesterday afternoon, but I can't help to think what the hell? This might be the worst burglary case I've ever seen in my life, but also the one of the creepiest I've ever seen in my life. 

     This is Jason Hubbard. Back in May, he was caught quietly hiding under a homeowner's bed...FOR THREE DAYS! He was caught on Ellenel Boulevard in Spotswood, NJ. 

     So, allegedly, he casually walked through an open door while the homeowner was taking out the trash. With nowhere to go, the intruding Hubbard decided to hide under the bed in a guest room. What he might have envisioned to be a quick robbery turned into a three-day stakeout. Hubbard ended up laying under the bed for the next few days, playing on his four cell phones and recharging them in the outlet next to the bed. Yes, I said "four" cell phones! I'm starting to wonder if Hubbard was a homeless man with four cell phones who needed to just charge his phones? Maybe he wasn't intending to rob anyone. I mean, regardless, he was still tresspassing.

     The hide-and-go-seek gig finally came to an end on May 10, when Hubbard made a noise and the homeowner caught him. So, basically, in three days, this guy, Hubbard made no such noises until the third day? What? According to the police report, it wasn't really clear when Hubbard was planning to make his move to rob the home. If he was planning to rob the home at all. I'm telling you! He just wanted to charge his many phones! 

     Police arrested Hubbard and charged him with criminal trespass, burglary and theft of services, even though he didn't steal anything. He's been held on $50,000 bail at Middlesex County Adult Corrections Center since May. So, be careful when you're taking your trash out at night. You never know who will sneak in. Also, if you hear anything weird in your house, check under your beds first! Apparently, you'll never know what you'll find!  

DUNG SPITTING ANYONE?

     Originally, I was going to go off on these mothers who aren't worthy of having children. One mother in Kansas left her 2-year-old in a car while she shopped in these record setting hot temperatures. There was another mother from Scotland, who put her 2-year-old down syndrome son inside a washing machine for laughs. Why do we let these people procreate? They should make you take a test before you have sex. Unbelievable! 

     Besides, my story today is far more disgusting than moronic parents who have horrible parenting skills. So, today, I read about a little festival in County Fermanagh, Northern Ireland called Lady of the Lake Festival, where visitors to the Irvinestown 37th annual event last week were treated to a new event at the festival: a dung-spitting competition. Yes, you read right! A competition for spitting out shit! I mean, while I did hit the topic of parenting, out moms always threatened to wash our potty mouths out with soap, right? These guys might have a better reason to do so. 

     The event is exactly what it sounds like. Participants took sheep excrement into their mouths and tried to spit it farther than their opponents. Um, what? A local hotelier named Joe Mahon organized this new game for this year's festival. He apparently relished in his role in investigating the dung spitting and even allowed a sheep to crap directly on his face. There is photo for those who disbelieve. I love shitting more than the next person, but this is too much even for me!

     Mahon is said to be "known for his quirky ideas during the annual Lady of the Lake festival." By the way, at least six other people joined in the competition. Festival organizers posted on Facebook in June that they were seeking volunteers for the dung contest and that the winner would receive $155 USD. WHAT? I don't think I would even spit shit out of my mouth for a million dollars! While they wrote that the current "world record" (yes, there is a world record for this.) is 5.56 meters, which was set in 2006 by a man in South Africa where they consider dung spitting a sport, the actual record is more likely to be more than 15 meters. I am seriously beside myself, which is tough to do to me, about this whole competition. 

     Well, aside for the shit spitting, the festival appears to be pretty normal and features a lot of events typically found at a town festival or county fair in the U.S. And of course, a young lady is crowned the "Lady of the Lake." The only thing to make that better is if she also had to compete in the dung spitting competition as part of the Lady of the Lake contest. That would make flying to Ireland for this all worthwhile. 

NOT YOUR AVERAGE HOTEL STAY

     Everyone likes to stay at a nice and clean hotel when they are on vacation, right? Would you trust a hotel that was run solely by robots? You're probably going to say that won't happen until the future. Well, the future is now! 

     Japan has opened the doors to the world's first automated, robot-staffed hotel, which replaces people with pretty, life-like lady humanoid receptionists and a bow tie-wearing, dinosaur concierge. At the Henn-na Hotel, or "Strange Hotel" in English, guests check-in, check-out, get their rooms cleaned and their luggage conveyed by a fleet of blinking, beeping and rolling robots that the hotel describes as "warm and friendly." Might I mention, this is the way The Terminator started isn't it? Who made these robots? Cyberdyne?

     Also, as part of their aim to feature cutting-edge technology, stays are keyless. Instead, guests enter their rooms via facial recognition technology. That is pretty cool! Aside from the hotel's novelty factor, the use of robots and the emphasis on automated services is part of a bigger concept, which is to reduce labor costs, save energy, reduce waste and develop a self-sufficient hotel  powered by solar energy and machines. That's the part that scares me! Where are you John Conner? Anyway, the rooms are conspicuously absent of refrigerators, lights are motion-sensored and rooms are cooled using an energy-efficient radiant panel air-conditioning system. 

     The hotel is part of the Dutch theme park, Huis Ten Bosch, in Sasebo, Nagasaki and may be expanded across Japan and abroad, according to company president Hideo Sawada. Future plans also include the addition of Chinese and Korean languages to the robots' repertoire. Other features include a porter robot, that will transport luggage to guest rooms and a self-service cafe which serves snacks and drinks from where else? A vending machine. 

     Japan's not the only ones replacing humans with robots in hotels. In California, not to far from Apple's headquarters, Aloft Hotels put what they called the world first robotic butler at the front desk last year. Botlr is used to shuttle amenities to guest rooms and acknowledges requests with peppy beeps and flashing lights. 

     Room rates at the Strange Hotel, which features 144 rooms, start at $73 a night for a single room. That is actually not bad at all. I have to be honest, though. I think I prefer the human interaction than communicating with a robot. It all seems too weird! I watch these TV shows and movies that show us what A.I. androids would look like and it never ends well. Like I said earlier, The Terminator? Hello? This sounds like a super cool idea, but I'm not sold on it. Plus, doesn't this receptionist freak you out a little bit? It looks like one of those Real Sex Dolls. Not that I know what those look like or anything!
     

ASHLEY MADISON.....HACKED!

     My wife and I always wondered how a site like Ashley Madison stayed in business. Are there that many cheaters out there? I mean, we found out, in a weird way, that where we live, there is this large swinger community. Yes! Husbands trade their wives with other husbands. WHAT? Who does that? Maybe I just wasn't raised that way. Besides, my wife and I have both been cheated on in past relationships and know we just don't like it. But apparently, there is a community that does it and sites like Ashley Madison allow it to happen. Well, until now! 

     It turns out; a hacker group have swindled the online dating site for cheaters and these two-timing subscribers could soon be exposed. The hackers swiped mounds of data from Ashley Madison and is threatening to leak users' personal data. So, I hope I have no friends on this site because you're about to be in a world of hurt with your other half. 

     The intruders, who call themselves "The Impact Team," claim to have completely compromised all of Ashley Madison's records, stealing info of 37 million affair-seeking subscribers. The team immediately posted some of the pilfered records, which included users' real names, contact info and financial data. The group is said to be furious that Ashley Madison's promised full-delete function allegedly does not scrub data. Therefore, they've threatened to release more sensitive records if their demands were not met. It sounds like some hacker movie, but I have to be honest, I'm loving every minute of this.

     The hackers ordered Ashley Madison's owner, Avid Life Media, to take down the adultery-promoting website, as well as its sister service Established Men, which "connects young, beautiful women with successful men." I don't hate that site as much. I think beautiful women should be with successful men, but I'm sure once that couple is married it will lead them to Ashley Madison. Oh, the circle of life!

     If the Toronto-based company fails to take the sites offline, the vigilante group will "release all customer records, including profiles with all the customers' secret sexual fantasies and matching credit card transactions, real names and addresses, and employee documents and emails." Wow! Ashley Madison asks for that much info? For a cheating website that it supposed to be discreet, they sure ask for a lot of info. I would think for a discreet site, they would ask for as little info as possible. People are dumb for signing up for this and giving away their life's information. 

     Ashley Madison, which operates under the slogan "Life is short. Have an affair," allows married users to anonymously find an adulterous partner. (Not anymore!) For $19, customers can fully delete their profiles and histories, but the hackers claim the info is never truly removed from the site's records. The hacker group wrote, "Full Delete netted ALM $1.7 million in revenue in 2014. It's also a complete lie. Users always pay with credit card; their purchase details are not removed as promised, and include their real name and address, which is of course the most important information the users want removed."

     Avid Life Media said it was working to take down information that had already been leaked, but they did not specify which of its sites had been affected. They wrote in a statement: "We apologize for this unprovoked and criminal intrusion into our customers' information. At this time, we have been able to secure our sites and close the unauthorized access points. We are working with law enforcement agencies, which are investigating this criminal act." 

     What is so criminal about trying to shut down an adultery website? It sounds like these hackers are doing society a favor. The fact that law enforcement is even involved doesn't sit right with me. Yeah, I get it. People are going to cheat, but do we really need a website promoting it? I just hope that if I have any friends on Ashley Madison, your names don't get leaked. This can be a horrible thing for you and your family!    

OVERREACTING OVER A PORN HABIT

     Some girlfriends like watching porn with their boyfriends. Some even like re-enacting the scenes with their boyfriends as part of a role play. Some women hate that their men watch porn because they feel it to be cheating. That's this woman right here! 

     This is 29-year-old Delia Priem from, where else? Largo, Florida. She's definitely not a bad looking girl, but this is her mugshot because she battered her boyfriend after secretly videotaping him and discovering that he "was till watching porn" despite making a promise to stop. Priem was arrested in the couple's Largo residence that she shared with Anthony Howard. 

     According to the arrest report, Priem was upset that she found Howard watching porn after videoing him and discovering he was still watching porn after he said he would stop. Priem woke Howard up with a slap to the face at around 2:40 AM and then pushed him in his bed. Priem then began throwing things around the bedroom. Luckily, she has horrible aim because Howard was not hit by any of the airborne items.

     Was Priem overreacting? I think so. I mean, Howard is a man! Guys watch porn! It's just the nature of the beast. Even gay men watch porn. You just can't stop us. To go beating him up over it is ridiculous. Just leave him! If a porn lover and watcher is not your thing, then find a guy who doesn't watch porn, but I guarantee you this. It will be hard to find because every man watched porn at one time or another. I had a girlfriend who used to think when I watched porn, I was cheating on her. How? I wasn't having sex with anyone (besides myself) and who am I cheating on her with? I never understood that whole thought process. 

     Anyway, Priem was arrested on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge. She spent about 12 hours in a jail before being released on her own recognizance. Priem was no stranger to the jail, however as she was arrested in April for drunk driving. No word on whether she was drunk this time either, but her eyes sure look glassy in this mug shot! 

TILL DEATH WILL THEY PART?

     So, when my wife and I got engaged, she wanted to take these amazing engagement photos to celebrate our engagement. Our photographer walked us around the town where I work in the middle of the afternoon and shot away. I thought it was pretty unique because the town I work in is a historic town and relevant to the Revolutionary War and being the history buffs that we are, we thought the idea was really cool. Many couples take their engagement photos on the beach and in the city with the skyline as the backdrop, which is all very romantic. This couple from Singapore, however, has taken romantic to a different and creepy level. 

     Pictured is Jenny Tay, a managing director of a funeral home, and Darren Cheng, a grief counselor. When the couple got engaged, they started thinking seriously about the vows they would take to love each other forever. They thought about it so seriously that they decided to have a coffin-themed engagement photo shoot! Take about taking the phrase, "Till Death Do Us Part" literally. I don't think I could've done this. Even if my wife wanted to!

     Tay told one news source, "Both of us are very passionate about our jobs, so I thought, why not?" According to photographer Joel Lim, planning the shoot took three months, but it took only one day to realize the theme. He said, "When she told me about it, I thought it was different, very cool. That's the reason I took the project." Tay went on to say that she knew the pictures would be tasteful and not morbid. 

     Both Cheng and Tay's parents say that they thought their children's shoot was cute and not creepy at all. Another Singaporean funeral service worker Danny Cheong made an excellent point about the photo shoot. He said, "It's all right if it's a new coffin." Um, what? Did he mean that it could have been a used coffin? What would they have done with the body? That's gross!

     Anyway, there was no word on whether or not the coffin in the pictures is new, but we'll just have to assume that it is and focus on how romantic it is that this couple plans to literally only let death be the reason they are ever apart. I will admit; this is one of the creepiest things I've ever seen. It's technically not even that bad, but I don't think I would ever. The only time you'll ever see me in a coffin is when I'm dead.

SEX DRIVE

     I remember one morning during one of the morning shows I worked for many, many years ago, we had a topic that was something like "Things people do while they're sitting in traffic." One truck driver called us that he'd seen a woman masturbating while he was sitting in traffic. Of course, the testosterone  in the studio raised through the roof and we needed to hear more! Well, apparently, since these 18-wheeler trucks ride so high, they can look down at the cars next to them. Apparently, the woman didn't realize and the truck driver saw her going to town on herself. He then told us that this wasn't the first time he's seen this while sitting in traffic and that it happens more than we know. According to the truck driver, he witnessed women pleasuring themselves more than he'd seen women lollipopping men while they were driving. The things we remember from many moons ago. 

      Well, it sounds like masturbating in the privacy of your own car isn't only an American thing. A British motorist recently crashed into the back of a van while she was pleasuring herself with a vibrator. The woman was stuck in traffic in Cirencester when her Mini Cooper suddenly lurched forward, plowing into the back of a stationary M&J Seafood vehicle. Hilarious! 

     The unidentified woman, in her mid-30s, properly got out of her car and swapped insurance details with the driver of the food truck. When the M&J Seafood bosses checked the footage from their vehicles rear camera, they noticed the woman pulling up her pants immediately after the accident happened. She was also allegedly holding a Rampant Rabbit-style sex toy. 

      The food truck driver was called into the office of the bosses and feared he was about to be fired since this was his first day on the job after job searching for months. The bosses told the driver it wasn't his fault and proceeded to show him the video clip, which obviously led to a roaring laughter. 

     The drive was never identified and the M&J Seafood Truck refused to release the clip. No, the clip above is not from the video. Sorry! The matter at "hand" is in the "hands" of the insurers now, but let this be a lesson to those who do masturbate in privacy of their cars. It can be just as dangerous as texting and driving.

GOIN' HOGGIN'.....LITERALLY!

     Am I the only one who doesn't get the whole bestiality thing? In one story, some guy from Pennsylvania was caught arranging a meeting online with undercover police in Arizona so he can have sex with a horse. WHAT? What is attractive about a horse? I guess we'd have to ask Catherine the Great. Legend tells us that she died from sex with a horse. Anyway, the horse story was one bestiality story from today. Then there was this one about Larry William Henry (pictured) from Millersville, PA!

     Henry really likes pigs so much that he's not even allowed near them. Authorities found Henry drunk and naked in a hog barn near his hometown on June 26. He told the authorities point blank, "I just like pigs!" 64-year-old, Henry also told the officers that he had just finished a six-pack of Hamm's beer (go figure!) during his naked party with the pigs.

     Henry was very familiar with the farm where he chose to go high on the hog. He was banned from the same property after a 2011 trespassing incident. I guess this guy really likes the feel of a dirty pig! Henry was charged with indecent exposure, criminal trespass, defiant trespass and public drunkenness, but was released after paying $25,000 unsecured bail. Where the hell did he find that kind of cash? If he has that kind of money laying around, why not just buy your own pig and have sex with it whenever you want in the privacy of your own home? Yes, that's very gross, but just saying that it sounds like this guy has money. Henry is due in court later this month for this incident. When it comes to bestiality, I'm just at a loss for words. Sorry, I can't give you more. 

HOLE IN ONE

     As if our civil servants weren't catching enough slack for assaulting civilians, it sounds like they're banging them too! Some are calling this a one-stroke penalty. I'm calling it a hole in one! I guess it's all perspective, right? 

     Anyway, a Pennsylvania police officer is in a "hole" lot of trouble after he was caught putting his club where it shouldn't have been. In some woman on a golf course. The Susquehanna Township police officer was busted in a sex act just before midnight on one of the putting greens at the Country Club of Harrisburg golf course in Harrisburg, PA. 

     42-year-old, Eric B. Nelson was in the back seat of his Toyota Tundra truck with 29-year-old, Kerri Maxwell when state police interrupted the couple doing the dirty on May 26. Nelson, a 15-year veteran on the police force as well as a military veteran, was off duty when he was observed "engaging in adult activity."

     Susquehanna Township Public Safety Director Robert Martin said in a statement, "I am confident he (Nelson) is not defined by this, and he will grow from this. He has all of my support." Nelson faces trespassing and disorderly conduct charges while Miss Maxwell was slapped with disorderly conduct. Martin said Nelson has been disciplined, but won't be fired. 

     In all fairness, officer Nelson was off-duty and on his own personal time, so it shouldn't impact his status as a police officer. On the otherhand, he should have known better than to trespass and bang one of his young hussies on the golf course. I guess the punishment fits the crime. At least there won't be a riot over this.

JEALOUS OF A SEX TOY!

     So, I used to date a girl, who used to think masturbating was also cheating. Hmmm....I'm doing it to myself. Who am I cheating with? My hand? Needless to say, we broke up because she ended up being the cheater, but that's a whole different story. Anyway, based on her theories of cheating; is using a sex toy cheating? According to this Florida man, it is!

     This is 36-year-old Triston Horne from Bradenton, Florida! I am telling you; all the psychos come from Bradenton! Horne, a man with an extensive history of domestic battery, was arrested after he allegedly flew into a jealous rage and broke his ex-wife's sex toy! Horne apparently couldn't take being replaced by a machine during a visit to his ex-wife's home in Bradenton on July 1, and took his anger out on the defenseless device. 

     The victim (being the ex-wife, not the sex toy) told police that their marriage had to be nullified shortly after their ceremony when she learned that he was already married to another woman. The couple went their separate ways, but the woman said her sons still looked at Horne as a father figure. One night she'd invited him over to spend the night so he could take her to work in the morning, and during a cigarette conversation, a disagreement broke out and escalated into a full-on fight. 

     During the melee, Horne allegedly busted in on his ex-wife in the bathroom and accused her of cheating on him with a sex toy. He grabbed her hand and twisted it despite her pleas to let go. Horne eventually did let go, but only so he could go back to the bedroom and break the sex toy in half? Wait! If he broke what I think he broke, you have to be pretty strong to break that in half. The story doesn't divulge what kind of sex toy he broke, but I'm sure it's what we're all thinking. How do you break that in half? 

     After Horne broke the sex toy, the ex-wife told Horne to leave and she and her 16-year-old daughter physically pushed him out of the house. He allegedly returned later that night, broke into the house and stole his ex-wife's cell phone because she broke his phone earlier in the night. Horne was booked on Sunday on a charge of domestic battery and released the following day after he posted $1,500 bail. Again, I'm curious about the sex toy, he caught his ex-wife cheating on him with. By the way, isn't she his "ex"-wife? If she wants to have sex on her own with a toy or anyone, it's really not cheating. This guy has issues! Floridians.....always entertaining!

ANOTHER FIREWORK DUD!

      Growing up a young Chinese boy, we had a love for fireworks, especially firecrackers. I remember buying firecrackers by the brick in Chinatown in NYC. One thing I do remember is that it scared the hell out of me to light them anywhere near my body. I would light them and run. My cousins used to be the nutbags who would light them in their hands and then throw them just before they would explode. To me, that was just nuts! They would also aim bottle rockets at each other. That used to freak me out as well. 

      Well, this past Monday, I didn't get to blog, but I posted a story on my Facebook page about 22-year-old Devon Staples, who died after waving a lit firework, which we now hear he thought was a dud, near his head at a backyard party in Maine. This confirmed all my fears as a young Chinese boy about lighting firecrackers or fireworks too close to your body. If you ask me, leave the firework shows to the professionals.

     Now, it turns out, Staples wasn't the only dud to die on July 4th due to firework injuries. 30-year-old Justin Bartek (pictured) from Texas died after shooting a firework off his chest this past Tuesday,making him the second person killed by lighting a firework off his body this week. Bartek, a postal work (which explains a lot), was lighting fireworks with friends at the Dollar Hole fishing spot off the Colorado River in Columbus early on Tuesday.

     He put the device called a Medieval Knight to his chest and it exploded, critically injuring him immediately. Bartek later died at an area hospital. He leaves behind a 3-year-old son, Braxton, and his longtime partner Summer Jenkins (pictured). A friend of Bartek's said about his infectious spirit, "He was the light of many people's lives and the world to the people that knew him, and he would give the world to any that asked."

     Friends of his mother, Butter Bartek, consoled her for her loss of such a "great person" on Facebook. One friend commented, "He would hug me every time he would see me! His smile would just absorb you." I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Bartek might have been a great guy and all, but if he would have just used his noggin for a quick minute, nobody would be mourning their loss today. I mean who holds an explosive to their chest? A smart person? I hate talking trash about the dead, but between Staples and Bartek, come on! It's an explosive you're waving around! It's like waving around a loaded gun! Someone's going to get hurt! I'm sure both these guys were nice guys, but using their brains should rule out niceness any day. I'm a nice guy and I use my brain. I guess I'm the total package. I can't wait to see what people write about me when I die.....Oh wait. 

     Anyway, an autopsy will be conducted to determine the exact manner Bartek died and whether he meant to light it off his chest. Bartek's mother said that his brother was also injured in a July 4th accident, but didn't specify what the injury was. Hey! Anyone want to go out side and light some fireworks off my toes? Apparently, it's all the rage! Come on people! Seriously! Leave the firework show to those who know how!

WIIL SOMEONE HAVE SEX WITH THIS WOMAN?

     My brother, Scotty O, texted me this story yesterday and oddly enough, I cannot stop looking at this woman's picture. It's not because she's good looking or anything. I just can't get over how someone can let their teeth get like this. I mean, try brushing every once in a while. It's not wonder her boyfriend didn't want to have sex with her. I'm sure he was no prize either. 

     Anyway, this is 35-year-old Tabatha Lee Grooms and she's no Georgia Peach! She recently went on a drunken rampage after he live-in boyfriend refused to knock boots with her. Grooms was arrested in Augusta, Georgia after assaulting her boyfriend (/brother?) and mother in a fit of rage. Why does this stuff always happen down south? I'm surprised it didn't happen in Florida, though Georgia is too far away. 

     After a night out, Grooms reportedly came home around 11:30 p.m. on June 24 and confronted her boyfriend, 30-year-old Carlos Rodrecus Grace, who allegedly refused her sexual advances earlier in the day. I can't see why. I mean this is Shark Week isn't it? Don't her teeth look familiar? (Cue: Jaws theme music)

     According to Sheriff's Deputy Phillip Clark, Grooms continued her tirade as she told Grace, "I fucked everyone else because you wouldn't fuck me!" Then she scratched Grace bloody in his face, head and neck and then bit his left forearm while he was sitting on the couch. Strangely enough, the bit on Grace's arm looks like a shark bit...I'm only kidding! But she did bite his arm, which led to him escaping to the bathroom and calling 911. 

     Grooms, who lives with her mother, Betty Clark, also punched her mom in her left eye. This girl is out of control! Grooms admitted to police she'd been drinking. She was charged with simple battery and family violence before being taken to Richmond County Jail. Okay, am I the only one who can't stop staring at her mugshot? They make horror movies about faces like hers. I probably shouldn't be making fun of someone's looks considering mine are no better, but come on! Did she really think someone or anyone would want to have sex with her? And then she has the nerve to beat the shit out of him for it? Get a grip lady! Not everyone is as desperate as your live-in boyfriend. You should have appreciated what you had. Now, you have a nice jail cell.

FEAR OF THE TOILET?

     I'm not one to poke fun at anyone's phobias by any means since mine might be one of the strangest of all of them. I have a fear of little people. Yes, midgets! I'll give you a second to take that one in. Okay, so that being said; there are some strange phobias out there, but I don't think I've ever heard of this one. 

     A 16-year-old girl in England refused to go to the bathroom for two months because she had a phobia of toilets. Yes, I said toilets. Well, that young lady passed away of a heart attack this past Wednesday. Emily Titterington's rare constipation death from "stool withholding" could have been avoided if she hadn't refused hospital treatment, according to the coroner.

     The chronically constipated Cornwall teen, who had a mild autism, was found lying in the doorway of her bathroom with her swelled abdomen "grossly extended." One paramedic said, "Her lower ribs had been pushed out further than her pubic bone. I was shocked." Titterington had been holding her waste for about eight weeks, which compressed her chest cavity and displayed her organs. She collapsed at her family's home and later died at the hospital. 

     The visible effects of her withholding her poop shocked even the doctors. One doctor said, "It was like nothing I have ever seen before. It was dramatic." Titterington refused medical treatment because she had "severe anxiety" about her whole problem. Her death could have been prevented if she "had been designated a support person, a professional person allocated to herself that she could build a relationship with." 

     Here's my take on the whole thing; how the hell do you hold your poop in for 2 months? When you have to go, you have to go! If you have a phobia of the toilet, then buy depends and shit in your pants! Don't hold it in. Everyone knows how unhealthy that is and after reading about what this girl looked like physically, it's just proof as to how unhealthy holding your poop in really is. Two months, though? That is ridiculous! I feel bad for this young lady, her family and her phobia because I know what she's going through when it comes to being scared of something, or in my case, someone. But I really feel bad that this girl had to grow up with a last name like Tit-terington. What a name to grow up with! I hope she lived up to her name! I know...I'm a horrible human being.