MILE HIGH MOLESTER

     So, do people actually sleep comfortably when they're flying? I mean, I guess there's drugs and alcohol for that, right? The only time I actually slept comfortably on the plane was on a 20-hour trip back from Shanghai....oh, and Argentina. Okay, so that was twice, but I have to say, if my wife decided to molest me while I was sleeping, I might have woken up. Now, I've never taken Xanax to sleep on a plane, so I'm not sure if it puts you in a coma, but if someone touches your privates, are you that knocked out? 

     That being said, a 25-year-old New Jersey woman says she was molested while she slept next by a male passenger sitting next to her on an Emirates jetliner. The woman testified on Monday that she heard somebody whisper in her ear, "I love you, you're pretty," then awoke to find her body and private parts covered with hand lotion. Um, what? 

     The victim, who is known to the jury only by her first name, Stephanie, recounted the mortifying incident on her flight from Dubai to Kennedy Airport this past October, including having to identify the bottle of Nivea lotion under her dress, and the thong underwear she had been wearing. 

     Nadeem Menhood Quraishi of Staten Island is being charged with sexual abuse and could face deportation to his native Pakistan if he's convicted. Quraishi, who sat in the seat on her right, asked Stephanie if she had "slept well" when she opened her eyes. This guy is a psycho! She said in court, "My entire body felt sticky. I could smell the lotion. I was shocked. My heart dropped to my stomach." The woman immediate fled to the bathroom where she noticed her thing had been pushed to the side. Her shoulders, breasts, arms, inner thighs, calves and private parts were slathered with the lotion. Wait a minute! How did this guy get lotion on her shoulders and breasts? Man, he should be a ninja! How could she not feel any of this, but was woken up by him whispering, "I love you"? It makes no sense. 

     Defense lawyer Mark Macron questioned the woman closely about the Xanax pill she had taken on the 14-hour flight, and how it was possible that Quraishi could have rubbed her body with lotion while she was wearing a belted dress, covered by a blanket, and her seat belt strapped. I would like to know the same thing. Is it possible she dreamed this whole ordeal up and maybe lotioned herself up? If he molested her, wouldn't her no-no area feel a little sore? 

     Well, Emirates flight attendant Gunjon Mangia took the stand next and said Quraishi matter-of-factly admitted applying the lotion. She said, "When I asked him why he did such a thing, he said, 'Well, I thought she needed it and she didn't offer any resistance, so I thought she enjoyed it.'" Um, yeah.....I'm at a loss for words on this one. I know you might be looking for something quirky from me on this one, but I have nothing. 

     This is why I hate when my wife flies alone. My only saving grace is that she doesn't sleep on planes unless I'm there to grope her. She basically reads the whole time when she's flying. Not to mention, she's a trained martial artist, so I feel sorry for anyone who tries to grope my wife while she is sleeping on a plane. Me, on the other hand, I always pray that I get molested while I'm sleeping on a plane. I would just pretend to keep sleeping until they got their jollies because either way, I'll be getting mine!