BEST WEDDING PHOTO TO DATE

     My wife and I married on New Year's Eve 2014. We hired a great wedding photographer, who had an artsy feel to her, and since we didn't want traditional wedding shots, she seemed to be the best option. Then again, less than a year later, we ran into my friend, Mark "Weissguy" Weiss at a concert, who told us that he would have loved to have shot our wedding. Mark was the guy who shot the album covers for Twisted Sister and Bon Jovi, as well as legendary photo shoots with Motley Crue, Ozzy Osbourne, Kiss and Skid Row. Anyone who knows me, knows that would have made our wedding more than a dream come true than it already was. Needless to say, I got the death stare from my wife after hearing those words come out of Mark's mouth. 

     Anyway, back to wedding photos. If you watch a lot of cheesy sitcoms, you'll understand that the mother-in-law is always out to destroy you. They're often characterized as the shrill women who are difficult to cooperate with, but once you get out there in the real world, you'll notice that most of the time, mothers-in-law are just looking out for their son or daughter, and are not actively looking to destroy you. In fact, my mother-in-law is the absolute best! She always takes my side against my wife's. Some mothers-in-law might actually be quite fun like this one in the Netherlands.

     Ahead of this Dutch couple's upcoming nuptials, their extended family wanted this wedding to be extra fun and memorable, which included the wedding photos. For their shoot out in the forest, one of the couple's mothers suggested to the photographer, Michael Klooster, that the happy couple engage in some good ol' oral sex. THAT.....IS......AWESOME! 

     Klooster posted the photo of the sex act online on his page, unsurpisingly, the photo went viral. In the caption of the photo, he wrote: "Some newlyweds cannot wait for the party to be over, so they can quietly retreat to their suite for a smashing wedding night. Luckily, they already exchanged their wedding vows and they are officially married."

     Klooster was, obviously, joking. The whole shoot was staged, and the bride was not, in fact, giving her new husband a blowjob at their wedding. This was just a simulated sex act requested by one of the couples' mothers. According to Klooster, "All parties involved were pretty happy to pretend to get to third base. I don't want private parts visible on the picture, but everything creates the impression is interesting. They were anyway very cheerful people. A nice and casual wedding, at which everything did not have to be so formal."

     As I said earlier, we did not want traditional wedding photos either, but we did get some really great shots thanks to the backdrop of the city of Philadelphia. However, as non-traditional as we wanted to get, I'm not sure my wife or our parents would have been cool with a fellatio shot as one of our wedding photos. I, certainly, would have been okay with it, but there are others involved.But it's all in fun and that seemed to what Klooster, the photographer was shooting for. 

THEY DON'T CALL HIM THE DICKMAN FOR NOTHING! 3000 PENISES FOUND IN HIS HOME

     Yes, so last night, one of my idols died peacefully of, basically old age, in his Los Angeles mansion. I'm sure he was surrounded by his bunnies when he went, but it's true Playboy icon Hugh Hefner has left us with his legacy at the age of 91. Rest in peace, Hef. 

     By the way, Hef's death definitely has nothing to do with the story I'm about to share with you. So, this is 54-year-old Dave Murray....No not from the band, Iron Maiden! Murray was an employee of the Harris County Morgue, and was recently implicated by the FBI in an organ trafficking network. 

     After investigating several reports of missing organs and body parts, dozens of agents raided Murray's residence on Wednesday morning in hopes to find his involvement in the crimes. They did not expect to find what they found. Not that I think they did anyway. What they discovered was "shelves everywhere, filled with hundreds of glass jars. Each of them contained a penis floating in formalin, better known as formaldehyde.

     According to FBI spokesman Andy Ramirez, the accused Murray rapidly confessed everything as soon as he was arrested. Ramirez said, "He explained in great detail, how he had been cutting off dead men's genital organs and collecting  them for more than ten years." It took the FBI more than seven hours to gather all the organs (3000 penises in total) and pieces of evidence that were found at the site.

     A total of 53 criminal charges have already been filed against Murray and hundreds more could be filed over the next few days. And anonymous FBI source said that the number of charges could reach over the number of penises he had in jars. Murray will remain in custody for the moment as a psychiatric evaluation has been ordered to determine if he's even fit to stand trial. If he's considered fit, he should appear in court in October for the beginning of the procedures. 

     Here's what I'm not understanding since the article said nothing about it....why? Why did he feel the need to cut off 3000 penises and pickle them in a jar? Was he keeping them as souvenirs? Was he selling them? Or was he just that sick in the head? What was the motive here? Then again....Take a look at that mugshot. Do I really need an answer?

9/11 THE WAY I REMEMBER IT....AND WILL NEVER FORGET.

      I posted this entry on my blog for the last few years to commemorate 9/11 and it always receives a very positive response. So, I've made the decision to post this blog entry every year on 9/11, so new readers and new friends can read what I went through on this horrific day. Here is "9/11 The Way I remember it": 

      In my 6 years of writing this blog, I try to be entertaining and for the most part, funny. Today is not one of those days. In the years prior, I realized that I never shared my 9/11 experience with you in this blog because quite frankly, who wants to re-live that day of horror for New York City and this great nation? Today, I want to share with you, how my day went 16 years ago, which by the way, I cannot believe it's been 16 years already!

      Anyway, I remember driving into Z100 in Jersey City, NJ the morning of 9/11/01. The sun was just rising and was looking like it was going to be a gorgeous day out. I remember it like it was yesterday. The air was crisp. Not too hot and not too cold. It was perfect! For some reason, I remembered driving down the New Jersey Turnpike from my Bergen County home and just looking at that beautiful skyline. Little did I know, it would be the last time that I would be enjoying that skyline with the twin towers standing tall. 

       Our morning was your typical morning of comedic banter among the morning show, which consisted of host Elvis Duran, Christine Nagy, John Bell, Danielle Monaro, Skeery Jones, David Brody, Greg T., Scotty B., a guy named Stick, myself, and our morning show consultant Dennis Clark. I happened to be screening phone calls for the show that day and right before 9 a.m., I received a strange one from a caller saying, "A plane just crashed into the World Trade Center. I'm not sure if it was one of those little Cessna planes, but the North Tower is on fire." I swear to God, those were his exact words. It's weird how some things just stay with you. Now, mind you, the only thing separating where our studios were in Jersey City and the World Trade Center was the Hudson River. We were up on the 36th floor and were literally that close. Also, at the time, the sun was still making its rise, so we brought the blinds behind us down so that we can see our computer screens. So, after I received this call, I turned my chair around and raised the blinds to see one of the most horrific sites I have ever seen in my life. It was clear that this plane that crashed into the North Tower was not a little Cessna because a little Cessna would not have caused damage like that to these strong towers.

      I quickly ran into the studio and told Elvis, who was in a commercial break, about the call and what I saw. The whole show literally ran out to take a look outside our window. Elvis made Christine and I stay in the studio to break the news. He interrupted commercials and asked me to go on the air to explain what had happened and what I saw, while Christine explained what she was reading on the news sources. As I ran back to the call screen area, the hotline rang and it was MJ, one of our promotions girls, and she explained to us that it was a commercial airliner that crashed into the tower. Elvis put her on the air and let her explain. People from different departments in our office showed up to watch from the window, when Stick noticed something flying really low over Staten Island, which was to our right. We literally watched this plane quickly pick up speed and as if it happened in slow motion, it slammed into the South Tower with such an impact, we felt our building shake. We all could not believe what we just saw. A plane used as a weapon as it slammed into the World Trade Center, I just remember seeing a fireball and paper shooting out the other end. I was baffled and confused and it all became clear when I heard Danielle Monaro crying, "Oh my God! We're being attacked by terrorists!" 

        We were forced to evacuate the building and at the time, all I could think about was trying to get home to my family because if there were any more attacks, I wanted to be with them. Elvis and John Bell stayed up in the control booth like true radio men to stay on the air. To this day, I truly commend them for their bravery and loyalty to our listeners. Elvis told us all to go home and be with our loved ones. He and John ended up staying on the air for the majority of the day taking phone calls from listeners as Dennis Clark helped screen the phone calls. Me? I high-tailed it out of there and at the time there was no cell signal. I could not call home. Driving through the streets of Jersey City that day was an absolute mess! People walking the streets like zombies with a "what the hell just happened" look on their face. I remember sitting in traffic and looking in my side view mirror only to see the South Tower collapse. I literally almost threw up when I saw this. I couldn't believe it. I asked the guy in the car next to me, "Did that tower just go down?" He said it did and we sat there stunned! 

      It took me about two hours but I finally got home only to find out that my cousin Michele's fiancée, Arnold Lim, was missing. Arnold and Michele had gotten engaged a month before, and the eerie thing is that one of the last pictures I remember of them, was at their engagement party in Edgewater, NJ and the Towers stood behind them. Anyway, Arn used to work at Lehman Brothers in Jersey City a few floors below me at Z100. We used to meet for lunch all the time. It was right around the time of their engagement that Arn took a job at the Trade Center with a company called Fiduciary Trust. When I found out that no one was able to get in touch, I began calling him every hour only to get his voicemail. The last person to speak to him was my Aunt Barbara, who called him to tell him the towers were on fire. He told her that he knew and he was actually watching it, but the building told everyone on the PA to stay where they were and that they were safe. My aunt told him that she didn't care and to get the hell out of the building. He told her he was leaving and that was the last we heard from him. My guess is that he was making his way down the stairwell when that second plane hit, which is the one I saw. They never found his body. 

      The weeks to follow would be about rebuilding and Memorials. I've heard so many different stories from people who were actually down at the Trade Center and survived. I've also heard stories about people seeing bodies fall around them. I've also heard stories from people who overslept and never made it to work in the Trade Center that day. Then there's the story of my wife, who never made it to the PATH station because her new kitten needed her attention. Everyone in that PATH died underground. With all of these stories and families of the victims, how can we ever forget what those scumbags did to us as a nation? Sure, there are so many other stories! This one was just mine....

And now here stands what looks like the big middle finger to the terrorists....The Freedom Tower!

WELL, THEN THERE'S THIS OPTION FOR TEACHERS.....

     Since my old high school bud, I will call Dave, sent me this amazing article, I figured I might as well come out of blogging hiatus to share this one because this one was unlike the others. I mean you know how we're always bitching that these boys are such pansies for telling on the teachers for having sex with them. Oh, poor them! Well, this story kind of scared even me. And trust me, that takes a lot. Unless, you're a midget....

     Anyway, a New Jersey teacher is being accused of sexually assaulting a 15-year-old boy repeatedly....wait for it......after she adopted him. Yup! There's the catch! According to court documents, 43-year-old, Rayna Culver, a teacher in Trenton, housed a former student of hers after he was booted from his relative's home back in December 2015. The two allegedly had a "very close" relationship when she was his teacher at the Rivera Middle School. 

     Culver became the boy's legal guardian a few months later. Court documents stated, "The boy believed that the purpose of her taking him in was to eventually make sex a part of their relationship." Culver, who is said to be married, was arrested back in May and was charged with second-degree sexual assault and second-degree endangering the welfare of a child. 

     Culver's attorney said the accusations were "completely fabricated and made up." Back in June 2016, the boy said the teacher started to touch him inappropriately and undress him, which led to sexual relations between the two. 

     The complaint said, "After that first incident, they would engage in sex often, and it was to the point where he felt that if he told her to stop, she would get mad and kick him out of the house. The boy told Culver via text message that he didn't want to have sex anymore, and she made it clear that she did not want it to stop." Yeah, as a boy with no home, that would scare the piss out of me to be homeless just because I wouldn't let this hose beast touch my pee-pee. That's the scary part that I was talking about earlier. 

     The teen stated that he and Culver had sexual relations "almost every day over several months." Damn, his stamina must have been through the roof! In April, the boy gave his phone to authorities so they could examine the text conversations between Culver and the teen, which led to her arrest. So, her attorney says it was "fabricated and made up"? I guess not! 

     In most cases, I would call the boy a pussy for reporting the teacher to the authorities. In this case, I think he was in the right because he feared for his own welfare, and I might have done the same thing to get out of this situation. On a positive note, he did get lots of sex out of it, and in her defense, it's not like he was fighting her off when the sex was happening. Sounded like it was consensual to me. Just sayin'!   

CREAM IN YOUR COFFEE?

     My God brother really knows me. You know how? Because he texted me this story yesterday while I was drinking my coffee and it literally made me gag after I took my first sip. So, thank you, Derek, for ruining my coffee yesterday. 

     Now, it's my turn to ruin your morning coffee! This is 38-year-old Lewis Williams from Newark, NJ, who spent the last four years working as the personal assistant of Ms. Linda Moore, an executive president of the DANCO engineering firm. Among Williams's tasks as Ms. Moore's assistant, he was to take her phone calls, set her schedule and bring her a cup of coffee to her desk every day when she arrived at the office. 

     After a dispute with his boss the other morning, Williams admitted in front of dozens of co-workers, that he'd ejaculated in her coffee "hundreds of times" over the last four years. According to Brian Little, an intern who witnessed the entire scene, Williams showed no remorse while he confessed his crime. Little continued, "He almost looked proud when he told her: 'I've been eating your shit for four years, but all this time, you've been drinking my cum!' He then smiled and explained everything."

     The angered employee explained that he had been putting "extra cream" in Ms. Moore's coffee, five days a week and over many years. After his confession, his colleagues called the police and Williams was arrested on site. A total of 910 criminal charges have been filed against him, including 860 charges of sexual assault. If found guilty on all charges, he could face up to 1,070 years in prison. Come on now. Who lives over a thousand years? 

     Williams's motivations when he committed his crimes remain unclear, but there seemed to have been some serious animosity between him and his boss. Some of his colleagues have told reporters that he was deeply misogynic and found it humiliating to take orders from a woman all day. Other employees, however, have suggested that Moore was often "aggressive, dominating and verbally abusive" with the accused and may have acted as some sort of "self-defense."

     I mean I'm all about revenge, but shooting your man juice into her coffee is just disgusting. I mean report her to your human resources department if she was mistreating you. There is no reason to take matters into your own hands....literally! Extra cream in my coffee will never have the same meaning. This is why I treat employees under me with respect and hilarity. 

WHAT DO YOU THINK THE TEACHER'S GONNA LOOK LIKE THIS YEAR?

      Yes, I haven't blogged in a while and it seems that hot teachers having sex with their students seems to be my forte. That being said, my cousin, Kevin sent this over to me feeling it was appropriate enough for me to write about. I can't say he's wrong. 

     So, math can be boring sometimes, but the same goes for any class when you're in school. However, some things can make the whole learning process a lot more interesting. Take this story for example, a female teacher that recently set the internet on fire when a video of her went viral, and people started calling her the "hottest teacher in the world." Anyone care to argue? She is a total sensation right now and this is what she looks like. 

     The kids in this school were fortunate enough to have this astonishing beauty as their teacher. We never had teachers that looked like this when I was in school. She has the bod, the face and the brains. This little lady teaches math, which makes learning square roots, equations, and all that other boring stuff much easier.

     One of the students made a video, with Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" playing in the background, became viral instantly and people all around the world have been fawning about this stunning math teacher. Maybe this is the way to get kids to learn math? Here's a clip of the video posted. Think you'll be able to concentrate?

THE JANITOR RAPED HIM? WHAT?

     I really hate where we are going as a society if a high school boy is claiming he was raped by a hot female janitor. What the hell is happening? If I was still in high school, and a hot janitor like this threw me in the closet and had her way with me, I might fakingly try to fight her off, but I sure as hell would not report her to the police! I would tell my boys about it, so I can get high fives all around! What is wrong with boys in high school today? They all need beatings to toughen them up! 

     Now, that I got that off my chest, and my apologies for not blogging in a while. I've been busy working on a high school project that I hope if you're in the Saddle Brook, NJ area, you'll attend. Anyway, this isn't a plugfest. Here's what led to my tirade in my intro. The family of a Tennessee high school MALE student is suing a school district and the contractor that employed a FEMALE janitor accused of raping the teen. LOSER! 

     The lawsuit names Roane County Schools and Compass One Services of Tennessee, the contractor that employed hot 29-year-old Jessica Gaylon, and is seeking $4.5 million in damages for negligence in allowing the alleged rape on school grounds. WHAT? He's a boy, and she's a woman. Unless she was built like the late Nicole Bass, he should have been able to push her off. Officials arrested Gaylon on February 23 and charged her with sexual assault and battery by an authority figure, aggravated statutory rape and statutory rape. Sh was released on $15,000 bond. When asked about Gaylon back in February, the press was told that she wasn't even a school employee, but rather a contractor. 

     According to the lawsuit, Gaylon began talking to the 16-year-old back in August. Afterward, she started asking the student for his phone number and begged him to add her on Facebook. The janitor then allegedly sent "flirtatious and sexual messages" to the teen who told her that her actions were "unsolicited, unwanted and unwelcome." Let me interject here. The only reason why her actions were "unsolicited, unwanted and unwelcome" would be because.....Ahhhhhhhh!.....He doesn't like girls! Now, it makes sense!

     Gaylon also allegedly invited the teen to her hotel room to have sex with her on September 16, but the teen rejected her invitation. The lawsuit also stated that the janitor allegedly raped the student in a room during school hours. Allegedly, the boy confronted the janitor about her advances when she shoved him into a room in the school and turned him into a man. The lawsuit stated, "This was the first-ever sexual encounter of any kind that (the boy) had ever had in his life." He was 16! He should have been experimenting already! Man, I hate these kids! 

     Gaylon's harassment of the teen was known throughout the school. The teen dropped out of school and began taking counseling sessions. School administrators informed authorities a month after the alleged rape, which led to Gaylon's arrest. I have to say, these kids are ridiculous. But if this kid didn't like girls, then I understand why he would be crying rape. If he does like girls, then he's a complete idiot! He could have rode this unicorn until he graduated. My guess? He likes boys!

DUDE, WHERE'S MY WEED?

     Here's a story to end one hell of a white week here on the east coast! I'm sure all of you have donated to the Salvation Army or Goodwill at one time or another. But have you ever donated something you didn't really want to donate? Or did you ever donate the wrong thing?

     Well, this isn't your typical Goodwill donation. Five large bags of marijuana were found in a donated cooler in Monroe, Washington, this past Monday. Though, it's legal in the state of Washington for people over 21 to possess one ounce of cannabis, this stash was 60 times over the limit. 

     Employees at the store discovered the marijuana while sorting through donations Monday morning and called the cops. Debbie Willis of the Monroe Police Department said, "We went over there and they opened the lid and in there was five large bags of marijuana. Normally, when we go there, it is for a shoplifter, but not anything like this."

     Police tried to track down the owner of the cooler, but they're unsure if it was donated at this location or at a Goodwill trailer that parks in another town. Willis continued, "However, there are many people on social media claiming it's theirs, but we have yet to have one walk through the door." That is hilarious! You know what? That cooler does look familiar. Dude! Where's my weed? 

     It's common for employees at Goodwill to find money in pockets of clothing or purses that haven't been emptied when sorting donations, but not 60 ounces of Mary Jane. That's almost 4 pounds! A spokesperson for Goodwill said, "This is a reminder to check your purse, pockets, or cooler to make sure you're donating the items you mean to." Then again, is it possible that the person who donated the cooler was stoned off his rocker and forgot it was in there? 

     Believe it or not, this wasn't the most unusual item employees have come across while sorting donations. In 2014, three human skulls were found. Two that had been used for medical research, and one Native American skull that was more than 100 years old. The spokesperson from Goodwill said, "We worked with authorities to track down the origin of the Native American skull for the proper burial." 

     What's to happen with the 60 ounces of donated weed? Willis said, "It's just sitting in our evidence room, awaiting yearly burn of that type of evidence." Man, I'd love to be around for that ceremony. They should have it near some sort of food truck festival. Those food trucks would make a killing that day!

TWO BROTHERS AND A BAG OF SHROOMS

     What can go wrong after you eat a bag of magic mushrooms, right? You giggle a lot and you see some strange things. Well, that's what a "friend" told me anyway. Not the case for these two brothers from Indianapolis! They must be growing some terrorizing mushrooms up there!

     It turns out, 24-year-old Noah Batz and his 21-year-old brother, Timothy Batz ate some magic mushrooms, got naked and then wreaked havoc around an Indianapolis apartment complex. The Batz brothers pleaded not guilty on Wednesday to a combined 17 charges including public nudity, battery and resisting arrest. This all stems from events at the Lighthouse Landings Apartments on Indy's south side on Sunday. 

     One witness said, "We knew it was something beyond just drinking or high. It was something heavy duty. Not a good batch of whatever he got." According to court documents, one neighbor came outside her apartment to find the men naked and on tip of each other. She told police that they yelled to her, "Hey look at us, look at us." I have to admit, I might have laughed at these two idiots! 

     The one witness said that as she walked to her car, Noah Batz ran after her and punched her in the face. She said, "He was extremely aggressive and then to hear later he punched somebody, it wasn't surprising with how agitated he was and he continued to get more agitated." The brothers are also accused of threatening to kill the apartment complex's assistant manager. She told police that she went to tell other residents to stay away from the two men and when she did, one brother began banging on her car screaming, "I'll kill you!" She also told police that she saw the brothers, "grab onto each other's head and passionately begin making out with one another in front of the dumpster." Okay, now that is gross because they're brothers. 

     Several other neighbors told police that the men had damaged their cars. They are accused of breaking into several open vehicles, getting inside and damaging items and getting blood on the seats. The Batz brothers due back in court in May. 

     I have to agree with that one witness in saying that there had to be more than magic mushrooms, because I took.....I mean a "friend" of mine took them when we were younger, and it mellowed them out. It just made them laugh so hard their stomach would hurt the next day. They would also see some weird things. I've never heard of someone eating magic mushrooms and becoming violent....ever! There was either something wrong with these guys or they were on something stronger than mushrooms. Or, here's a long shot, but since magic mushrooms are picked out of cow dung (I know gross, right!), is it possible that the cow whose poop their mushrooms were picked from suffered from mad cow disease? Just a thought. Either way, these brothers went "Batz-shit" crazy!

TRAGICALLY DELICIOUS!

     "They're always after me Lucky Charms!" said the little animated leprechaun back in the day. Now, he says, "They're magically delicious!" I mean, who doesn't love a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms with their favorite marshmallows?  

     Well, apparently, a Nevada woman is on the run because she made Lucky Charms that were magically poisonous! She laced her then-husband's bowl of Lucky Charms with drugs. Why? Well, 49-year-old Andrea Heming confessed to investigators in 2015 that she drugged the cereal to prevent her husband from having sex with her while she slept. She told investigators about the boric acid in her husband's breakfast, "I wouldn't use that much to kill him, but just enough to make him not have an erection. Um, there are other ways to prevent that, no?

     Heming pleaded guilty to contaminating the food, but then she skipped town after paying her $50,000 bail. Authorities have not been able to track her down since she failed to attend her sentencing hearing. Heming's ex-husband, identified only as "Ralph" for the sake of this story, is now calling authorities to find his fugitive ex. He said, "I was very surprised. I thought we had a better system of keeping track and holding people responsible."

     Authorities believe that Heming might have gone back to her native Mexico. If she's caught, she could face 15 years in jail. Ralph said he wasn't shocked by her behavior because she's been acting odd for a while. He said, "She did reveal to me a story where she was a flight attendant at one time, and she had a customer, you know a passenger who was unruly, and she actually put sedatives in her drink." The bottom line is don't eat Heming's house ever. That's if they ever find her. 

IS THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS RIGHT?

     The customer is always right....until the customer is caught on video doing something they shouldn't be. This story is enough to leave a bad taste in the mouth of any restaurant owner. A customer recently intentionally put a hair in their food and used it as an excuse not to pay the bill. Then, said customer attempted to blackmail the restaurant by threatening a bad review on TripAdvisor. 

     The unappetizing encounter allegedly happened Saturday night at the Casa Nostra Ristorante, an Italian eatery in Brisbane, Australia. A customer at the restaurant claimed there was a hair in her pasta and demanded her dinner be comped. However, the waiter noticed the hair did not match that of any of the employees. Co-owner Sarah Biuso said, "We all have short dark trimmed hair, and this was a strand of dirty blonde curly hair. The pair threatened to post a bad review (on TripAdvisor) if the meal wasn't taken off the bill."

     The woman lived up to her promise and wrote a bad review on TripAdvisor. But based on surveillance video posted by the restaurant on Instagram, it looks as if the complaining diner has dirty blonde, curly hair, and is putting it into the pasta. In their Instagram post, the restaurant noted that TripAdvisor has a "no blackmail policy for reviews" and complained that the review has "posted on TripAdvisor for all the world to see."

     The negative review was later removed, and Casa Nostra Ristorante has a 4.5 star average based on 67 reviews. Since the video was released, TripAdvisor has released this statement to the media: 

      "We take very seriously allegations of blackmail or threatening behavior by guests against business owners. It is absolutely against the terms and spirit of our site to use TripAdvisor's name to try and claim discounts, compensation or freebies that would not be available to other guests. We strongly encourage owners who have experienced blackmail to proactively report such threats before a corresponding review is submitted by using our free Management Centre."

     This is pretty pathetic for a customer to try to accomplish. I mean there are people out there who actually find things in their food, but when you have to fake it, it really discredits when things like this really happen. Then to blackmail the restaurant using TripAdvisor, I'm just surprised it happened in Australia rather than Florida. 

WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOTTIE AND A FOOTBALL TEAM IN A ROOM?

     Many of you come here to read my blogs about teachers having sex with their students. Well, today, I will not let you down! It turns out, this hot 42-year-old California woman has been arrested for allegedly having sex with three high school football players. It sounds like someone never got rid of her high school fetish of banging the jocks. 

     Mary Frances Fletcher, known to her students as Debbie Fletcher (not sure why? Debbie is short for Deborah last I checked!), was arrested Tuesday on charges of unlawful sexual intercourse after being accused of having sex with three players from the Mount Shasta High School football team after meeting the boys while working with a team photographer. 

     Fletcher was caught after an unidentified caller informed police of the matter back in December. The investigation was recently completed. After speaking with the victims.....wait....what? The victims? Based on this photo, those boys were not victims. They were the "lucky ones"! So, after speaking to the "lucky ones," whose exact ages have not been disclosed, District Attorney Kirk Andrus said the case was expected to be complicated because it involves youngsters. You know this D.A. secretly wanted to high five these boys. Come on now!

     According to the Sheriff's department, there's not evidence the alleged sexual encounter occurred on school grounds or involved school employees. Andrus stated, "Ya know, these cases are always challenging. I mean especially for a young person that are by definition not prepared for this kind of relationship. Relationship is probably the wrong word, but they're not prepared for this kind of interaction with an adult." What the hell is he talking about? When I was these boys' ages, this was the kind of interaction we dreamed about. This D.A. is clueless!

     Sheriff Jon Lopey believes text message history will determine that Fletcher attempted to keep the boys silent on their sex meetings. The bleached-blonde criminal.....wait.....what?....
She's more of a sex educator, if you will. This sex educator faces four counts of unlawful sexual intercourse, with single counts from two alleged victims and two counts with a third alleged victim, as well as trying to keep a witness from cooperating with law enforcement. 

     Fletcher was released after posting $10,000 bail. She's due back in court to be arraigned on March 22. You know what? Boo Hoo! The boys had sex with a hottie! These are things we dreamed about when we were teenage boys. So, what? I'm sure these boys didn't fight her off and the sex was consensual. Yeah, they were young and she's in her 40s and I get that if she was a man and these were young girls, the man would become a sex offender, but come on. These are boys who fantasize about this stuff. If any of these boys wanted to press charges on this woman, they are absolute morons. If anything, she turned those boys into men! And she should be commended for that. Not put in jail!

WORST EXCUSE I'VE EVER HEARD

     It's no secret how I feel about Floridians, but this guy right here has an excuse for downloading child pornography that makes Floridians look smart! And trust me, that is hard to do! 

     This is 54-year-old Ronald Martin from Elizabethtown, PA. On Monday he was sentenced to 3 to 6 years in state prison after claiming that, now get this, an insect possessed him and caused him to download child pornography. It sounds like someone watches too many movies. Martin was charged in May with 77 counts of possession of child pornogrpahy. 

     Authorities found him in possession of material including children who appeared to be as young as 7 or 8. Other images were of children who appeared to be under the age of 13 involved in explicit sexual acts. 

     Martin admitted to possessing the images on his computer, after initially suggesting he was the victim of a hack. His wife was the one who called authorities, saying she was frustrated that her husband repeatedly viewed the pornographic material. It also sounds like someone was not getting some from her husband. Just saying.....

     The couple told state police that, at some point after he was confronted about the material, Martin was crying and crawling on his hands and knees, stood up, and when he fell back down, a 6 to 8 inch big with a million legs came crawling out of his mouth. Martin implied to the investigating state trooper that the bug possessed him and it was the bug's fault that he downloaded the child porn. If anyone was to believe this, they better get their heads examined. There is no such bug with a million legs! 

     In court on Monday, however, Martin expressed remorse for his crime and told the judge that he was disgusted by his crime and takes full responsibility. For all 77 counts? I mean Martin is only getting 3 to 6 years for a child porn lover. What is wrong with this picture? He touched himself looking at kids. He should have gotten more than 3 to 6 years! And does he look like he's smiling in this mug shot? 

SENIOR MOMENT LAP DANCE

     Do you ever wonder what happens at the old age home? Yeah, neither do I, but this story had me making the "ew" face. 

     It turns out an Ohio care worker was recently arrested after a disturbing video was released showing her performing lewd acts in front of a 100-year-old man suffering from dementia. Um....Is that a crime? I mean, I feel bad for the 100-year-old man, but he won't remember it anyway, and he got a lap dance for free! Where's the crime? 

      26-year-old Brittany Fultz was filmed by another worker at The Commons of Providence home back in December, when she was heard on camera suggesting explicit ideas to the elderly man, touching his thigh, pulling her pants down and even straddling his leg at one point. I'm still trying to see the crime. Hey, if this old guy can still get it up without the help of Viagra at his age, why not let him have a little fun? Am I the only one not seeing a crime here? 

     Fultz can be heard telling the debilitating senior, "I can show you new things, I can show you new things, I won't tell if you won't. I'm a girl....you know what that means." She also asked him, "You going to buy me some?" I'm not sure what that meant, but I still don't see the crime unless the guy had a heart attack and died because of her lap dance advances. 

      Sandusky Police Detective Anthony Bath told one news source that the young woman was "basically harassing" the nursing home resident, who officials trusted to stay in her care. Bath said, "It's disturbing...She is touching him. This was not something he wanted." How the hell would he know what the old man wanted? Was he fighting her off? Did her tell her "no"? I watched the video and I did not hear him fight her off once. 

     Nursing home authorities said they immediately called police when they got a hold of the upsetting footage. Fultz was arrested on Friday and booked at the Eerie County Jail and released later that day. She faces a charge of gross sexual imposition, and the possibility of other charges. She is currently free on bond. 

     I still don't see the crime here. I feel that the authorities are reaching. She wasn't harassing the old man. She was just trying to show him a good time privately. Unfortunately, for her, a co-worker videotaped it and showed it to the wrong people. If anything at all, she should have been fired. I don't think that any criminal charges should be filed just because the man was old and had dementia. Like I said, he wouldn't even remember it! Too insensitive? 

LOVE ON A MOTORCYCLE?

     Just when I thought I've seen it all, it's stories like these that prove that I really haven't. I mean in the Dominican Republic, I've seen a family of five fit on a motorcycle. That was father driving, mother behind him and a child in between them while the mother held two children at her side. Yes, I really saw that! Now, there is this.....A couple actually having sex on a moving motorcycle. 

     That's right! A young semi-naked couple were caught on camera having sex on a moving motorcycle. Police have launched an investigation after the footage, filmed in the city of Encarnacion in south-eastern Paraguay, went viral online. Based on the video footage, the woman was lying back on the gas tank with her short skirt hiked up and her legs wrapped around the shirtless male rider. 

      The viral video has also provoked a lively debate on Internet forums across South America and beyond. Many users pointed out that in addition to their incredibly dangerous sexual antics, neither of the young couple were wearing helmets either. Um, yeah.....There are no helmet laws in South America. Police are believed to be investigating the incident which happened in the Santa Maria neighborhood of Encarnacion.

     Officers are said to be using the video to identify the randy couple. A spokesperson for the police department said they could face a fine of around three million Paraguayan Guarani, which comes out to around $534, if they're tracked down and convicted. However, if there was evidence that the biker had been drinking, as it seemed likely in the video, he could face a hefty fine and possible even a prison sentence. 

     Encarnacion is the capital of the department of Itapua and the third-largest city in Paraguay. In recent years, it has also become the tourism capital of the country, with its wide beaches and newly completed waterfront boardwalk. 

Here is the video in case you needed to see it: 

THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES

     I'm starting to believe that if it wasn't for Florida, I might not have any stories to write about. So, for that, I say "Thank you, Florida!" 

     So, police are searching for a Florida woman accused of performing oral sex on a man at a courthouse and then posting it on social media. I mean, personally, I would need to see this evidence. That was too predictable, right? 

     According to Jacksonville Sheriff's Office, 26-year-old Brittney Jones allegedly performed sexual acts on 35-year-old Jeremiah Robinson on the fourth floor of Duval County Courthouse in Jacksonville on January 31. Jones and Robinson are both wanted on charges of unnatural and lascivious acts. That means feeling or revealing an overt and often offensive sexual desire for those of you looking it up. 

     She recorded the video showing her and Robinson, who was sitting on a bench, in the courthouse's hallway and posted it to Twitter with a caption that read, "Just found a way to get out of trouble." The relationship between the two was not immediately clear. The video has since been removed. Jones had been at the courthouse for a morning arraignment on drug-related charges from January 19. 

     Jones later posted a video on Facebook bragging about the media attention she's been receiving and the time she had sex at a local Winn-Dixie supermarket. Jones' father told a news show that he was disappointed when he saw the video and that this incident isn't the first time his daughter posted explicit content online, and apparently, family members have been trying to convince her to stop this inappropriate behavior for years. 

     I don't know. I really would need to see the video to pass any judgment on Miss Jones. Who knows? If she's that good, maybe she's missing her calling as an adult movie star. She's definitely not ugly and she takes a pretty good mug shot. What I want to know is why this couple is wanted? Weren't that in jail already? Aren't these mugshots? How are they wanted? Shouldn't they be in jail? What did she do? Blow and run? 

HARSH SENTENCE?

     Now that that great Super Bowl is out of the way, and hopefully, we are done talking politics, I thought that this story was pretty interesting. 

     So, an Idaho judge has ordered a 19-year-old man not to have sex with anyone before he marries as part of his sentencing for the rape of a 14-year-old girl. Will this even be possible? What if he gets raped in prison? Does that count? 

     District Court Judge Randy Stoker sentenced Cody Herrera of Twin Falls to 15 years in prison, but he suspended the sentence for a one-year "rider program." If the unmarried Herrera completes the program, he'll be released on probation, which requires celibacy unless he gets married. 

     Stokers said that the probation condition is needed because Herrera told pre-sentence investigators he's had 34 sexual partners. He's only 19! Stoker told Herrera, "If you're ever on probation with this court, a condition of that will be you will not have sexual relations with anyone except who you're married to, if you're married."

     Back in March, Herrera pleaded guilty to the statutory rape of the 14-year-old. According to the victim's mother in court, "It was his intent from the beginning to take what he wanted from my 14-year-old child....her virginity." My question is, is this really a sex crime? I mean when I was in high school, girls dated college guys all the time. Technically, at the age of 19, Herrera is a college guy and not to mention only one year removed from high school. Does that make him a sex offender? Is 15 years in prison a little harsh? How do we know the sex wasn't consensual at their age? If he did rape the girl, he deserves the sentencing, but do we really know if it was rape? I know many girls at the age of 14 when I was in high school that were putting out. 

     The celibacy sentencing until marriage, though? Now, that is hilarious! This poor guy won't know what sex is again until he is married. That means no pre-marital sex. I would marry the first girl I met right out of prison and then I would have the marriage annulled right after the sex. There was no rule that said that couldn't happen, right? 

JUDGE DOODY......THAT'S ALL!

     Sometimes, the 12-year-old boy comes out of me in my writing....Ok, ok! The 12-year-old boy is out all the time! When it comes to a story like this, though, how can you blame me? 

     So, a man who stole gold "pucks" from the Royal Canadian Mint by hiding them up his rectum to evade metal detectors has been sentenced to 30 months in prison. That's all? Rectum?....Damn near killed him! Come on! Someone had to say it! Anyway, Leston Lawrence was convicted of theft in November by Ontario Court judge, here we go.....Peter Doody, who noted in his ruling the case was based on circumstantial evidence. Judge Doody! 

     Judge Doody said a penitentiary term was needed to deter others. Lawrence's lawyer had argued for an 18-month sentence. At trial, Judge Doody noted there was no video of Lawrence stealing the gold, and there were no witnesses. Is it kind of weird that Judge Doody wanted to see video evidence of Lawrence shoving the gold up his ass? 

     Court heard that Lawrence, whose job at the mint involved purifying recently procured gold, sometimes worked alone and out of sight of security cameras in a process that involved creating the pucks. Lawrence worked at the mint from 2008 until March 2015. 

     Lawrence aroused suspicion in a bank employee in February 2015 when he asked to cash two checks worth $15,200 from Ottawa Gold Buyers. Lawrence told the teller that he had sold "gold nuggets" when she asked what the money was for, according to court records. The bank then tipped off police, who then put Lawrence under surveillance. I'm sure there was a smarter way to cash those two checks. And why was the bank being so nosy? 

     According to Judge Doody's ruling, Lawrence set off the metal detector more often than any other mint employee without metal implants, but follow-up searches with hand wands never discovered the smuggled gold hidden in his anus. Police eventually seized a gold puck that Lawrence had sold and found four more in his safety deposit box. Vaseline and latex gloves were later found in Lawrence's locker, which Judge Doody (yes, I love saying his name) said, "Could have been used to facilitate insertion of gold items inside his rectum." Only a man with the name of "Doody" can come up with a conclusion like that!

     Judge Doody ruled Lawrence had stolen 22 gold pucks from the mint, which is worth $165,451.14. I have to be honest, I could care less about Lawrence and what he stole. I wrote this story because you had a judge named "Doody," who had to try a case about a man shoving gold pucks up his ass! These stories don't write themselves! You just need me to tell them to you!

WHERE'S YOUR SPIRIT, SPIRIT?

     For those of you looking for a political post from me, you won't find one here ever. I'm here for the "hahas" and not the "boo-hoos!" So, if you want to laugh, I'm your guy! 

     So, anyway, you'll love this story! A South Florida woman claims she was kicked off of a Spirit Airlines flight from New Orleans to Fort Lauderdale because of the way she was dressed. She was showing too much boob, allegedly! The woman, who did not want to be identified, said in a TV interview, "It's not even about money. I was really embarrassed." 

     At least two passengers took to Facebook after the incident and posted that the flight attendants told the woman that " her bosom was too exposed." Her bosom? Who the hell still calls it a bosoms? Another passenger, who didn't know the woman, was also removed from that Sunday flight after she stepped in to defend the woman. I probably would have been kicked off too because seriously, why would you kick someone off for showing too much boobs? 

     Spirit claims a flight attendant made the suggestion to cover up, but that's not why the the woman was told to leave. According to a Spirit spokesperson, "Nobody was taken off a plane because of cleavage. People are taken off of planes because of their behavior." The spokesperson said the woman was intoxicated and a flight attendant spoke to her about it. He continued, "The flight attendant made that decision, and as she was leaving, she said, 'By the way, you might want to cover up.' It was more of a personal statement to her."

     Donna Prieto said that her daughter was "humiliated" on the flight. She and some witnesses said the woman used a large coat to cover up, cried and then some passengers started to complain about the situation. The woman, her friend and another passenger were later asked to leave the plane. The woman was rebooked on another flight. The spokesperson for Spirit said they plan on getting in touch with the woman to fix the situation and make it right. 

     Now, what needs to be made right? If she was thrown off for being drunk, then why would the airline need to apologize for belligerence? They would need to apologize, however, if they felt they insulted the woman about the cleavage comment. Just saying! Either way, isn't Spirit known for being one of the trashier Airlines anyway? Aren't boobs allowed on trashy airlines? Flying home on American Airlines from LAX, that's all you see is cleavage, so I don't see what the problem was, unless the flight attendant was embarrassed because she was less endowed? Again, just saying!

THE GIRLFRIEND FROM CHINA.....THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT!

     Do you remember back in the day when you were the only one of your friends without a girlfriend, or boyfriend, and you had to make one up and say that they lived far away? Which explained why your friends never met him or her? Yeah, I never had to do that either, but some of you did! Well, apparently, there's an app for that now, so you can prove to your friends that you really do have a girlfriend, or boyfriend, in Alaska! 

     This past weekend, millions in China headed home to celebrate the Lunar New Year with their families, as we did here in the U.S. as well. 24-year-old Luoluo spent the holiday answering messages on a mobile app from desperate men looking to hire an instant girlfriend whom they can present to mom and dad at their family gatherings. On visits home during the holiday, single people are often subjected to tough lectures from relatives keen on reinforcing the importance of marriage and securing the family bloodline. Trust me, I'm familiar with these lectures. I endured them for almost 40 years. 

     Some singles have resorted to hiring fake girlfriends and boyfriends to appease their parents and shut them up, but an explosion in smartphone use in recent years means one can now pat for such a date through a handful of mobile apps with just a few clicks. According to Cao Tiantian, founder of date-for-hire app Hire Me Plz, "Over 1,000 users on our platform have signed up as dates for hire for the New Year break."

     Subscribers to the app pay from as little as 1 yuan ($0.15) to 1,999 yuan ($299.85) an hour for a dinner date, a chat, a game of mah-jong or even a foot massage. No happy endings in foot massages, but I'm guessing that the latter amount is dinner and a foot massage. Prices surge around the time of Chinese New Years, with thousands of attractive twenty-somethings like Luoluo commanding fees of 3,000 yuan ($450) to 10,000 yuan ($1,500) a day. We have a name for this here in America. It's called Escort Services or Call Girls or Prostitution or something like that. 

     Apart from Hire Me Plz, there are five major date-hiring apps in China, which make their money by taking a cut from the hires and from subscription fees. Cao said, "Our business model is still new, though an increasing number of young people have accepted the idea of selling their time as a commodity." Cao expects his Beijing-based to become a mulit-billion dollar market in five years. Does this make Cao the new pimp of Beijing? 

     Since its launch in 2015, Hire Me Plz has garnered a user base of 700,000 and 1.7 million followers. Allegedly, sex is not part of the services offered on any of the mobile apps. Prostitution is illegal in China. But I wonder, what would happen if the sex was consensual? Would the date renter still have to pay his date? If he did, would that be considered prostitution? 

     Hire Me Plz's Cao said the initial aim of her app was to help overcome the problem of loneliness experienced by young people leaving home to work alone in big cities. I have to be honest, I'm not sure how I even feel about this. To me, it still sounds like just an escort service. Then again, is this just another form of a dating service? Because what if the renter and the date get along so well that they want to start dating for real? Then mission accomplished right? What happened to traditional dating? Also, wasn't China the home of arranged marriages? I'm so happy that I never have to date anyone but my wife ever again! Dating sounds like it sucks in this day in age. 

NO HAPPY ENDING HERE

     With all of the spas and massage parlors popping up all over the place, it was only a matter of time when we would hear stories of a perverse masseuse. Of course, once again, it never happens to me. Just like the teacher-student sex. In this case, I'm kind of happy it didn't happen to me. 

     So, a male massage therapist, or shall I say "the rapist," who confessed to sexually abusing four women during their sessions, has been sentenced to two years in jail, and won't be able to return to work as a masseuse until at least 2022. Um, should he even be allowed to return to work? 33-year-old Benjamin Thomas Collura was sentenced on Wednesday after pleading guilty earlier this month to sex abuse charges in connection to his time as a masseuse at River's Edge Hotel and Spa and Massage Envy in Portland, Oregon. 

     After his arrest last March, when a woman accused Collura of touching her vajayjay during a massage, five more women came forward and told authorities they were also sexually abused by Collura over a three-year span. Collura initially denied the claims, but would later confess to them. What a dummy! Deny, deny, deny!

Ben Collura

     Prosecutor Jeff Auxier praised the 30 to 50-year-old victims for their courage in coming forward and notifying authorities, knowing their allegation would ultimately be their word against his. Collura was initially charged with crimes against seven women and accused of groping their boobs and their genitals while forcing them to touch his junk. Yes, I know....disgusting! But these are the people we live with.

     Collura, who had no prior criminal history, told authorities that he was attending Portland State University while working as a masseuse. He must now register as a sex offender and serve five years of probation following his jail sentence. He must also turn over his massage "the rapist" license during the probation period according to a plea deal. 

     Meanwhile, two of Collura's former customers have filed lawsuits against him and his former employers, seeking $400,000 and one seeking $1 million, with one case shceduled for trial in May. According to the initial lawsuit, the 31-year-old customer said Collura led her into a private room in February and "took the occasion to sexually violate the plaintiff with his hand" after a nearly complete massage that previously seemed "dignified and professional." The woman reported the alleged assault to Portland police and later received treatment for a cervical abrasion at a hospital. 

     I have to say this is pretty creepy and I always get nervous when my wife tells me that she had a male masseuse. I, personally, always ask for a female therapist in hopes they do touch me inappropriately. Unfortunately for me, it never happens. With my luck, I'll end up getting Benjamin Collura when he gets out in 2022. Lucky me!