THE OLD SWITCHEROO!

     Sometimes I always wished I had an identical twin brother. This way, I'd have a best friend for life and we'd be able to divide and conquer when it came to jobs, women, and whatever else we needed to conquer. Well, that scenario kind of backfired on this set of twins, though I'm not sure I'm buying this whole story. Let's see what you think. 

     So, a man is claiming that he accidentally had sex with his wife's identical twin sister and only realized this when he reached around to feel her fake boobs. Mm-hmm! And then his wife walked in and caught them...AWKWARD! 

     The alleged incident happened while the trio was on vacation in the City of Sin, Las Vegas. Posting on the sharing site, Reddit, the ashamed husband, who went by the screen name Not Thesis, explained how drunk and embarrassed he found himself in bed with the wrong woman. He was quick to point out how he was friends with "Jody," the sister of his wife Rachel, but was in no way attracted to her. Not Thesis continued on Reddit: "Even though they are twins, I absolutely have no interest in her. Jody is more of a 'party girl,' selfish and vain. Not to mention, she has plastic boobs." So what? Plastic boobs never hurt anyone! Plus, they're nice to look at and fun to play with! Anyway, he continued, "My wife is sweet, all natural, kind and selfless."

     Unfortunately for Not Thesis, with his beer goggles on, things dramatically changed for the worse, as he and his wife returned to their hotel room, leaving Jody at the bar with another man. After falling asleep right away, Not Thesis claims he woke up in a "drunk and horny" state and felt his wife cuddling up next to him. He wrote, "I thought it was a good time for sexy time. I'm embarrassed to say, but I only last about 2 minutes (doesn't matter, we had sex!)" Here's when things took a turn for the worse, though. He continued, "We cuddled and I start to fondle her boobs. I notice they were quite firm and almost balloon like. In my drunken state, I immediately froze. I then realized I just fucked my wife's sister." 

     Within seconds, Not Thesis' wife was standing in the hotel room doorway just staring at the naked couple in a state of shock. He remembered the lights turning on and his wife screaming at both of them as Jody woke up and jumped out of bed, "What the fuck is going on?" The wife, Rachel, started crying and ran out of the room. Fast forward to today, the couple is now separated with the divorce to be finalized shortly. 

     I have a few questions about the validity of this story. First of all, was this guy so drunk that he didn't realize that he brought the sister back up to their room and left his wife at the bar talking to some guy? I mean, how else did the sister sneak into the bed naked with him in it? Secondly, if she did sneak into bed and cuddle up next to him, where the hell was the wife that whole time if he supposedly went back to the room with her to go to bed? The story just doesn't add up. It sounds to me that this was planned and he didn't expect to get caught by his wife. He's covering it up by posting on a social media site and playing the victim here. Either way, I kind of want to see what this twin looks like. For some reason, as I write this, I keep picturing The Bella Twins from the WWE and the guy was WWE Superstar Daniel Bryan, but don't worry it wasn't. Just my fantasy! The best part is that he only lasted 2 minutes in the sack. 

BUTT-LICK BRIBERY

     What have you done to get out of being arrested or getting a parking ticket? One time I was pulled over for speeding on the New Jersey Turnpike. The officer saw me wearing a Sons of Anarchy skull cap and asked if I was a fan of the show. He then checked my clean driving record and let me off with a warning to slow down. I believe he let me go because he was a fellow Sons of Anarchy fan.

     This is 52-year-old Diane Thomas of Monroe, Louisiana. She didn't have the same luck that I did. In fact, she's being accused of assaulting her boyfriend and then allegedly willing to do anything to avoid arrest. She even offered to lick the officer's butt hole. Yup! That's what she offered him!

     On May 16, Thomas was arrested and accused of punching her live-in boyfriend in the face "multiple times" and scratching him with her fingernails. She admitted to the assault but blamed him, as it stated in the police report, "He was a bitch and got in her face, so she beat his ass." When Thomas realized she was being arrested, she tried to get officers to reconsider as she explained that she had a good job and didn't want to lose it. Well, then she shouldn't have gone off punching her man then. Any women who hits a man is not a women in my book. When she was hitting him, it didn't seem she worried too much about her good job then. 

     Needless to say, her pleas did not work, she then she allegedly offered to "lick the officer's butt hole." Okay, she went from not being a woman to a complete animal. Who the hell does that to get out of a ticket? If you have such a good job, then why would you offer to lick an officer's bunghole? What a moron! I'd love to see what this good job that she has is....Manager at the local McDonald's? I hear they don't pay minimum wage anymore.

     Anyway, the officers didn't take Thomas up on her butt-lick bribe. Instead, they charged her with public bribery as well as a misdemeanor domestic abuse charge. Thomas has since been out on a $5000 bond. I'm just blown away that she would even think that offering to lick a police officer's asshole would help her cause. Then again, we've all read stories where officers were okay with looking the other way on bribes like this, so I guess it was worth a shot, right?

WAKE AND BAKE

     The best part of waking up used to be Folgers in your cup. Well, stoners, rejoice because cannabis k-cups are finally here to give us old "potheads" a new meaning to the phrase "wake and bake." That's right! Weed k-cups of coffee have hit the market. This should be interesting. 

     Weed coffee is definitely not a new concept, especially if you've been to Amsterdam, but a few innovators on the west coast have started making weed-infused k-cups. One coffee pod called Catapult retails for $10 a pop or $37 for a pack of six. It contains 10 milligrams of THC, do I really need to explain what THC is? For those of you who have never partaken, it's the compound in marijuana that gives you the high. 

     Uncle Ike's Pot Shop in Seattle, Washington, sells Catapult, which has been on the market since February of this year. According to manager Jennifer Lanzador, drinking the weed-coffee combo "seems to give a kick from the caffeine, but it isn't a jittery feeling because of the THC.....You get a nice energetic high." Now, I'm interested. I thought this would be the first coffee to ever make me want go to sleep.

     Recreational marijuana has only been legal in the state of Washington for just over a year, but it didn't take innovators long to get crafty. A new kind of "drinkable" soda called Legal hit the market last June to much fanfare, although a planned cold-brewed coffee version was hindered by the state's refrigeration rules. Packed with 22 milligrams of THC, the soda gives drinkers a slight high. I'm starting to think that I might need to move to the state of Washington. 

     Coffee and soda aside, the future of weed pairings also looks bright. Lanzador said, "Obviously, we will never have gummy bears or lollipops -- the Liquor Control Board determined they appeal to children -- but sodas, nuts, chocolates, cookies, lozenges, pretzels, snack mix, even THC pills are being sold and/or developed. It is a very exciting time for this industry and providing a safe ways to ingest THC is a great alternative to smoking." Um, is it me, or is Seattle starting to sound like Willy Wonka's Weed factory for us adults?

     I have to admit, though, I don't touch the stuff as often as I'd like to because I'm going for my Master's Degree and like to stay focused, but I would love to try that coffee and soda just for experimental reasons, of course. After all, I'm still a huge advocate of the legalization of marijuana. I will never hide that fact. I've been supporting NORML since I was 18-years-old and have told people the benefits of marijuana time and time again, and I'm glad that I get to see it legalized in some states, while the benefits that I always spoke of are now coming out of the woodwork. Like I always say, "No one's ever died from smoking a little marijuana. Drinking alcohol and doing other drugs, I can't say the same." Now, you can drink it in a coffee or soda! Get my Keurig warmed up! Time for some Wake and Bake, baby!

IN DEPP S**T

     I normally don't write about celebrity b.s. in this blog because I feel you can get that crap right on TMZ's website. This story has been in the news for the past few weeks, though, and I feel it's a bit unfair for the celebrity in question. I'm talking about Oscar nominee and legendary actor Johnny Depp and his puppies. 

     So, a couple of weeks ago, a story came out that Depp brought his puppies with him to Australia, but the Australian government is saying he did not claim them on his customs forms and since they were smuggled in, the pets would have to be put down. Before the Australian government could do anything to his dogs, Depp flew the two pups home before they were put down. Now, Depp could get up to 10 years in an Australian prison for illegally bringing his dogs with him to Australia. Um, last I checked, Johnny Depp was not a resident of Australia. How is he supposed to know their laws? I didn't even know you weren't allowed to bring dogs into another country without claiming them on your customs forms. Then again, I wouldn't be bringing my pet with me to another country either.

     Johnny Depp, who has been Down Under filming the latest Pirates' flick, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, landed in hot water earlier this month for bringing his two Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, into the country via his private jet. By not declaring his pets to customs upon his arrival since he did fly privately, he broke Australia's quarantine laws. Their what? Australian Quarantine laws are controlled at Australia's borders and minimize the risk of exotic pests and diseases to protect Australia's agriculture industries and environment. I highly doubt these two little Yorkies carried any diseases since their household pets, but I guess a law is a law no matter who you are. 

     An Australian senate committee confirmed on Monday that the movie star could receive a maximum fine of AU $340,000, which is equivalent to $265,000 US, and up to 10 years in an Australian prison. The pilot who flew Depp into the country could also face up to two years behind bars for his role in illegally transporting the dogs into the country. That is pretty unfair. You would think Johnny Depp killed someone, when all he did was bring his household pets with him to his movie set. Maybe the Australian Government hated Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? It makes no sense. I mean I get the whole Quarantine Law thing, but the minute the guy realized it was a law, he flew the dogs home and he's paying a pretty hefty fine of $265,000. Now, you want to put him behind bars for 10 years? That is ridiculous! Depp is 51-years-old. That means, he will be 61-years-old when he gets out. Not good for us movie fans!

     Government officials first became aware that Depp had smuggled his dogs into Australia after their visit to a local groomming salon, which the store's owners publicized on Facebook. Well, that was pretty stupid! The country's farm minister warned the actor two weeks ago that he must have his dogs sent back to the United States or risk having them quarantined or put down. Depp quickly complied and had the pair flown out the country a day later. I see no harm and no foul here. What's with the jail sentence? The guy is going to pay the fine because I'm sure he can afford it. 10 years is a bit harsh of a sentence. What do you think? 

A NEW WAY TO TRAVEL?

     My wife and I always joked about stuffing one of us into a suitcase to save on airfare when we travel. I never thought anyone would actually try and do it! This story is a little old, but the judgment recently came in that the 8-year-old Ivory Coast boy who was smuggled into Spain in a suitcase, gets to stay in the country for at least a year. 

     For those of you who missed the story when it first came out; Adou Ouattara, who was caught trying to cross the border when an x-ray scanner showed him curled up in the luggage, was granted a one-year temporary residence permit. Hey, that's not bad! If I was running Spain, I would have sent him right back to the Ivory Coast. So, he's pretty lucky that he gets to stay in Spain for at least a year....And he got to travel there in a suitcase for free!

     Ali Ouattara, Adou's father who lives legally in Spain, was arrested for allegedly arranging the suitcase sneak-in. Adou is currently living at a state child center while the dad awaits to see a judge. Boarder agents caught a 19-year-old woman, who is not related to the Ouattara family, wheeling the hot pink bag across the border from Morocco to Cueta, a  Spanish-governed territory in North Africa on May 7. Checkpoint guards scanned the bag and quickly realized Adou was inside. 

     Two hours later, Ouattara, who is originally from Ivory Coast but now lives in Spain's Canary Islands with Adou's mother, crossed the same border. I'm sure not the same way, but it was the same border. He planned to bring the boy to Spain, but thought Adou would travel by car and with a legal visa. The father claims he had no idea the boy would be stuffed into a suitcase and illegally wheeled across the border. 

     Ouattara has been living legally on the Canary Islands of Fuerteventura for seven years. His Ivory Coast wife joined him a year after he moved and the couple has tried to bring over two of their children. Their 11-year-old daughter was allowed in recently, but soon after, Ouattara's monthly salary fell short of $1,480, the figure that officials believe he needs to care for his two kids. Adou's move to Spain was rejected. That's when Ali Ouattara apparently bought what he believed to be a legal visa. Ouattara's lawyer is confident a judge will accept the father's explanation and release him so that the family can be reunited. 

     Yeah! Sure! Your kid came here in a suitcase! Sure, you are free to go! Unfortunately, I don't think that's how this will play out. First of all, don't they call this endangerment to the health of a child? Secondly, shouldn't the airfare be paid? I mean this kid can't go flying for free. If they get away with this, then who's to say that people can't stuff their kids in suitcases when they're flying to Orlando to save on airfare? Hey, if they can get away with it anyone can, right?

PARTY POOPER

     Those who know me, personally, know I can never turn down a good poop story and today is no different! I actually saw this story on the news Monday night and have been looking for the full story here online so I can give you the full details because it is sad, but absolutely hysterical because it didn't happen to me. 

     So, a Pennsylvania teen's "Sweet 16" celebration turned sour very fast after guests were showered in feces believed to have been dumped from an airplane flying over their property. Yes, They were pooped on! I feel bad for the 16-year-old in all honesty. Now, she will remember he Sweet 16 as the day it rained poop on her party. That, to me, is sad. 

     Jacinda Cambray and her 40 guests were in her Levittown home's backyard on Sunday when the bizarre brown rain suddenly starting dropping. Stepfather Joe Cambray said, "Out of nowhere, from the sky, comes a bunch of feces. It looked like, if a hundred birds flew over and went to the bathroom simultaneously, that's what it would look like." I can't even imagine what that smelled like. Forget the fact that it dropped . The smell must have been wretched. I'm surprised the smell didn't induce vomit leading to a whole chain of disgusting events at poor Jacinda's party. 

     
     There is a bright side to this story. The cake had already been eaten and the majority of the waste landed on a canopy put up in the event that it rained. It's unclear exactly where the deluge of dung came from, but Cambray's sister, Kristie Rogy, suspected it had been disposed of from an airplane flying thousands of feet above the birthday bash. If that were the case, wouldn't the neighbors have been affected as well? I can't imagine they were the only house to have poop fall on them. How much was it? The poop of one person or the poops of a whole plane of people. Either way; it's sad, gross, and utterly hilarious!

     By law, all aircraft are required to dump their waste at an airport and not while they are in the air. The Cambray family had since filed a complaint with the Federal Aviation Administration, which is now investigating the incident. I'm curious to see how this shit turns out. Oops! Sorry! I meant "how this turns out." 

THE LATEST FAD.....THE DAD BOD

     This story is a couple of weeks old, but still worth writing about because everyday, I hear about how I should go to the gym and get into shape. If you saw me, you wouldn't think I was out of shape, but I will admit that there is a bit of a gut here now. The funny thing is that this gut seems to be in the new fad. It's almost like I started a new trend. Flab is the new fab, apparently. No need to lose those beer belly, my brothers! Women are now lusting after dudes with "dad bods"- a little extra gut around the middle. I fall right into that category! This fad couldn't come at a better time. 

     I always laugh at my friends on Facebook who post selfies of themselves at the gym. Great! You have to work your ass off to retain the body you have. See what I have? No working hard at all! 26-year-old Marie Dugo, a marketing manager from the Upper East Side, said, "(It shows) you love life, but also have the good sense to not let yourself completely go. You can take them to family parties and eat cake together. 

     Ladies loves men who put the focus on fun, not physique, saying they're friendlier, more mature and less narcissistic. Diane Hunt from Jersey City, NJ says about the "dad bod" guy, "He would come across as fun, goofy guy not stuck on himself." The love is spreading across the country, and even the world, with women as far away as Denmark cherishing the chub club. Dothe Lodberg of Denmark said, "Looking too fit can come across as self-centered." 

     Hey, the normal guys like me are definitely not complaining about this new trend, though my wife keeps telling me we need to go to the gym. I did, however start notice some extra eyes look my way with my new gut. Alan from Inwood said, "You look at the people on Men's Health and they all have 13-pack abs. The fact that society is starting to find normal physique sexy is a good thing." 

     I guess by calling the "dad bod" thing a trend, I'm wrong because men have been letting themselves go since the beginning of time. This fad came to our attention when a 19-year-old Clemson University sophomore wrote a pro-dad bod piece in her college magazine. She called the "dad bod" a nice balance between a beer gut and working out. Her article has been shared 452,000 times. Since writing her piece, men have thanked her for helping them feel less insecure about their less-than-buff-bodies. New York Magazine took the movement one step further when it created a hypothetical diet for men wanting the "dad bod" - Orange Gatorade, Clif Bars and Trader Joe's frozen burritos all made the cut. 

     Some think this fad is both sexist, like the male equivalent of being a MILF, and old, since gay men have fetished after "bears" for years. The main problem with the "dad bod" is maintaining it when you're a real dad. I don't think this is true. I have many friends who are real dads and are in amazing "dad bod" shape. This might be one of the best movements in a while and I hope it gets more popular because then I won't have to hear about staying physically fit and going to the gym. I like to work out at my own pace. Playing on stage and carrying a bass on your shoulder is plenty a workout. The only problem is now my bass rests on my belly and that does look kind of sad.

MR. RECTUM'S OPUS

     This story is amazing! I have no lead-in into this because I am absolutely speechless that someone actually took the time to turn their fart into a symphony. Simply spectacular!

     Apparently, a brother who  texting his sibling the sound of his flatulence after he moved away was stunned when he discovered one of his toots sounded like a symphony in disguise. I guess what they say is true! "Absence makes the fart grow fonder." They don't really say that. I snatched that from the Daily News. 

     Anyway, by slowing the seven-tone fart down, the brother, only known as Laurence, deciphered it to be a major seventh arpeggio in B flat with an incidental at the end. He then turned it into a bizarre symphony and uploaded the audio to his "Shonky Brothers" YouTube channel on Sunday, introducing it as his "rectum opus." It's a "whiff" of genius combined with a flute to produce the 20-second "Magnum Anus." Brilliant!

     Laurence posted a link to the clip on Reddit, where he explained the creative process behind his fartastic composition. He said, "I was on tour with the band up in Yackandandah, northern VIC, and sharing a room with my other brother and one of the boys when this fart came out. I knew instantly that it was special, but it took me until today to realize the fullness of its potential." 

     Laurence is believed to be from Australia. His clip went viral within hours of being posted and it's now racked up more than 1.3 million views. This is truly an amazing piece of work and I believe it will leave you speechless as well. You have to see this video to understand. Take a look....I mean listen:

WHO IS HAPPY?

     One thing I always believed in as an adolescent was that marijuana wasn't only something illegal for us to ingest when we were younger (well it still kind of is), but it was always the friend-maker. That's seriously no joke! When I was younger and used to partake (as if I don't now), I made more friends than I can ever imagine. It was almost like potheads always took care of each other or better yet, they never wanted to smoke alone, so they would seek a buddy. At my wedding, my cousin and best man said in his toast that growing up with me was always interesting because anywhere I went, someone would know me or I would know them from parties that I met them at two years prior. In being honest, I owe a lot of those friendships back then and today to simply sharing a joint with them. 

     That brings me to today's blog. Potheads around the world looking for someone to share a joint with have a new app that lets them find like-minded smokers around the world. That is awesome! I used to have to do it the old-fashioned way at a party, a concert, family functions or by simply cracking a marijuana joke, which would open the doors to smoking with strangers. This app makes making new friends so much easier. 

     The creator of the "Who is Happy" app, a Brazilian epilepsy sufferer who wants the drug decriminalized (don't we all?), says his software is kind of a "Foursquare for stoners," comparing it to the app that allows users to rate restaurants and other places they visit. Creator Paulo Costa said, "The app is the first global platform of its kind allowing cannabis consumers to connect and unite to promote happiness while de-stigmatizing and hopefully decriminalizing cannabis use around the world." 

     Users who anonymously log their location will see a green cloud appear on the app's map, covering a half-mile radius. They can then check to see if others are partaking anywhere nearby, or elsewhere in the world. A greater number of users increases a location's "happiness" quotient. Having been of the top-30 downloaded apps in Brazil, the app ranks the home nation as the biggest user and therefore the happiest country. I have a feeling the U.S. can top that. Marijuana has been decriminalized for recreational and medical use in some U.S. states but it is still illegal in Brazil. Wait a minute! If it's still illegal in Brazil, wouldn't this be an easy way for the police to track where people are smoking pot or where they might even be picking up? Hmmm....This app doesn't seem as cool anymore when we look at it that way. It would be a cool app for places where smoking pot was legal because then you would have no problem finding friends to share a joint, a bat hit or a bong hit with. I guess regardless of its tracking capabilities, still a very a cool app!

WHAT'S FOR LUNCH?

     This blog cannot start without me paying homage to the legendary B.B. King, the Michael Jordan of Blues guitar players. B.B. taught us a style of the Blues incorporated in all rock songs we hear on the radio today. He was a true legend, but his legacy will live on forever. R.I.P. B.B. King. 

     That being said; today, I have the type of story that many of you love to read from me, but today it has a little bit of a twist. Instead of a teacher having sex with her students, this is the lunch lady! That's right! The lunch lady, who kind of resembles Cookie Lyons (Empire reference, sorry!), was caught having sex with 16-year-old boy and his 18-year-old older brother. Yes, I said the lunch lady! 

     This is cafeteria worker Joi Taylor, who is 32 and worked at a suburban Chicago high school. She appeared in court Thursday on charges of having sex with an underage male student right after she started her job. She also allegedly banged the student's older brother, who is also a student at the same high school, but she's not facing charges for him because he was 18 at the time. 

     Taylor allegedly had a tryst with a 16-year-old she met in March, the same month she started working as a lunchroom monitor in Proviso West High School in Hillside. After meeting the young man, the two exchanged phone numbers, and they would make video calls to each other in which Taylor masturbated as they talked. Unreal! Later that month, Taylor called the boy before the school day started and asked him to meet for sex. She then allegedly met him in the school's parking lot, drove to the parking lot of a nearby church, had her way with him and then dropped him off at school. I have to ask; what did the boy's parents think when he left for school early that day? I'm sure that was some irregular behavior. 

     Police learned of the illegal lunch lady love affair on Tuesday after the school's police liaison got a tip about it from another student. See? Why can't kids just keep their mouths shut! If the lunch lady wanted to bang me when I was in high school, which would have been kind of gross anyway, I would not have been blabbing it all over the school. I don't get kids these days! Anyway, it's unclear when her alleged romp with the older brother happened. 

     The 16-year-old's attorney said Taylor threatened the boy and his older brother, both of whom are involved in athletics, by telling them they'd be "ineligible or unable" to continue those activities if they exposed the relationships. Who is the attorney kidding? I'm sure these boys were well aware that Taylor had no power whatsoever to make them ineligible for any activities. If they didn't, they are stupid! Those boys continued to have sex with her because it was "SEX!" They were not being threatened. I'm sure these boys would have felt a bit more threatened if the threat came from a principal or a teacher, but not a lunch lady. All she can threaten is no more lunch if they exposed her. I hope the jury is not dumb enough to fall for that! Her fault here is really just banging an underage kid, which she definitely should not have done, but where is there a complaint from the kid? It seems like it was consensual to me. If the school liaison didn't hear it from another student, the affair would still be happening. 

     Taylor is being held on $25,000 bail and is scheduled to appear in court again on June 5. She has currently been placed on leave by the school. Once again, teacher, principal, lunch lady; they always get caught because these boys today have big mouths! They will regret it when they're older and getting no sex at all. Then again, who the hell has sex with the lunch lady? This boy would have been the laughing stock at my school!

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO.....SO LET SOMEONE ELSE DO IT!

     It's part of life, but it's no secret that breaking up is hard to do. For instance, before I met my wife, I dated a girl for ten years. Some of you might smack me in the head and ask what the hell is wrong with me. I often smack myself in the head and ask myself what is wrong with me. The problem I had was simple. I just had a hard time breaking up with this girl. I tried many times, but the then her tears always won me over. I remember telling her after a week that I didn't think it would work out. She started crying and ten years later I was still in it. If you ask me, that's ten years of my life I can never get back. Luckily, I found some emails between her and some other guy and it suddenly my balls showed up and gave me the courage to finally end it. Eight years later, I'm happily married to my soul mate. 

     My point in telling you this was there is now a service based in Australia called "Sorry, It's Over" who will do the breaking up for you! Where the hell was this service 15 years ago? Kristy Mazins, the 37-year-old creator of the service, was previously a bedside nurse, which she claims has given her the ability to use the right words in tense situations. That is brilliant!

     According to Kristy, "People don't like the confrontation. People are scared of it. It's a much needed service because it takes the fear out of breaking up." I'm not sure it was the fear I had a problem with. It was the feeling bad because she would always break down and cry or fake a seizure when I wanted to break up. Something would happen to force me back into the relationship. It was really a bad decision to stay in a loveless relationship and I feel bad that I strung that girl along, but in the same sense, she strung me along as well. I really could have used "Sorry, It's Over" back then. The only thing is she probably would have read the message and still came to me crying about it. 

     Anyway, for just $5.50, Kristy will send a text or an email to your ex-partner to be. For an increased charge, she will even send a box of tissues or flowers. For her premium package, she will send a human being in place of your passive-aggressive ass to cut ties with your partner. Kristy says her clients give her a general outline of what they want to say and she will add a little spice "if needed."

     Unfortunately, the service is currently only available in Australia at the moment, but if successful, it could make its way over to the U.S. Will these be successful? I mean a break-up is more work than just a text or an email, but this does get the initial work done. Also, it why does this service sound like it only helps men? Don't women break up with men as well? Regardless, I wish I had this service when I was in my long relationship because I will admit, I did not have the balls to be the breaker-upper. This service could be a huge help to guys who are like me.

HE JUST WANTED A LITTLE TAIL....PIPE.

     I want to start today's blog off by sending out prayers to the victims and families affected by the Amtrak train derailment in Philadelphia last night. My wife always takes this train from Philly to NYC and I couldn't even begin to imagine what these families are going through right now. Secondly, I wanted to thank everyone who sent me the story about the woman who tried to steal bunch of items from Walmart by shoving them up her vagina. I would have loved to have written about that, but a couple of you posted it on my Facebook page, so once it's been posted, I won't write about it. Just inbox me these awesome stories. 

     I did, however, find this tasty one for you today. So, apparently, there's a video that's gone viral of a Brazilian man making love to a car's exhaust pipe. Yes, this gives new meaning to getting some tail! Anyway, before you start passing judgment on this guy, just know that this is completely normal behavior. There have been all sorts of men who enjoy and build their lives around having sex with inanimate objects. Hello? The Flesh Light? The blow-up doll? The Love Ewe Tender....I mean....um....er. 

     Take Edward Smith from Washington State for example. He might be the king of car coitus. He claims to have had sex with more than 1,000 vehicles, including his favorite, the helicopter from the 1980s TV show, Airwolf. He claims that he doesn't have eyes for men or women, but man, his 1993 Ford Ranger Splash has some some junk in the trunk. He said, "I'm a romantic. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change." Maybe he should just get a Hummer....I'm sorry!

     Then there's Edwin Tobergta from Ohio, who was caught getting freaky with his neighbor's pink inflatable raft back in September 2011. When he was caught "pink-handed", he reportedly begged the neighbor for mercy and admitted he "had a problem." He was arrested, and the raft was found deflated and ashamed in the backyard. Another Ohioan, Art Price, was caught on video having sex with a picnic table in public back in 2008. 

     The point is having sex with your car is completely normal...apparently. People do it all the time and besides blowing out exhaust, isn't that what the tailpipe is for? I mean, an anus pushes out poop which is far more gross than exhaust, and people still try to have sex with that. Just sayin'! If you really want to take a look at the video of this guy banging his car, here it is: 

PUTTING THE "HIGH" IN HIGH SCHOOL

     I received this story yesterday from my bud, Rickeroo Dunn, who says he thought of me right away after reading the story, so he had to share. I'm not sure if that's a compliment or an insult. Regardless, thank you for this story, Rick! I mean who doesn't love a story about our educators and who doesn't love a good story out of where else? Florida! 

     This is Palm Springs, Florida, charter school principal Krista Morton. She was caught smoking pot with one of her students while her shirt was unbuttoned last week in a school parking lot. This isn't the first time she's flunked as a school leader either. Is it me or does she look like Carol Burnett?

     Anyway, years before this Mavericks High School principal's embarrassing bust, she led another charter school on the other side of the state in Bradenton, Florida, that was investigated for not meeting educational standards. At that school, the Richard Millburn Academy, students were graduating without meeting their requirements, grades were regularly misreported and students were given word searches and puzzles in place of actual work. Well, that explains why Florida is as dumb as they are and most of my stories come out of Florida. They can't read or write! So, they commit crimes! Look who they have to look up to. 

     Morton left months after the 2011 investigation and it's still unclear if she chose to leave or she was forced out. Millburn Academy was shut down by the end of that year. Morton was then hired at Palm Spring's Mavericks in 2012, and that school is now showing a decline in student performance.

      So, Morton, 45, was arrested after she was caught in the back seat of a car with an 18-year-old student. When police arrived, they saw Morton's shirt was unbuttoned, "exposing her shoulders and part of her chest." Moron told police she was just friends with the student, and just trying to get to know him a little better. But the student told the police she was his principal. Police could smell marijuana while talking to the two. The principal told authorities marijuana had been smoked, but would not say she had smoked any. Both were charged with possession of marijuana and Morton was released from jail last Thursday. The student remains in the can on $1000 bail, which I feel the Morton should pay since she got him into this mess.

     Morton was suspended immediately after her arrest. The CEO of the private company that manages Maverick charter schools wouldn't say why Morton was hired after her questionable exit from Millburn. She only said, "It's an unfortunate circumstance." Wow! All I know is that this explains a lot when it comes to the education in Florida, which baffles me because some of the best colleges are in Florida. I guess it is what it is. It's just sad to see someone with a prominent position in a school system act like this. My principals were always old and crotchety and would have never been caught doing anything like this. I still can't get over the resemblance to Carol Burnett.

FULL-FRONTAL OUTRAGE

     I wanted to kick this Monday off with a pretty interesting story. Since most schools have already finished their final exams and some are well into their finals, I felt this story was more than appropriate to get this week moving. 

     So, according to a disgusted mother, visual arts students at the University of California, San Diego, must exhibit themselves in the buff before a naked class of 20 and a nude professor or fail an upper-level course at  the school. But faculty members and former students defend the elective course and maintain that "performing the self" class participants may also employ figurative nudity to pass the final. What? Here's the question here; how many of you would actually do this to pass a course? I mean, I'm comfortable with being naked, but for that to be my pass or fail grade, I'm not sure that I'm okay with that. 

     The issue is over a syllabus entry that refers to an "erotic self" assignment, requiring students to "create a gesture that traces the outlines or speaks about your erotic self(s)." The description on the Department of Visual Arts website says: "Using autobiography, dream, confession, fantasy or other means to invent one's self in a new way, or to evoke the variety of selves in our imagination, the course experiments with and explores the rich possibilities available to the contemporary artist in his or her own persona."

     UCSD professor Ricardo Dominguez has been lighting his classroom by candlelight and baring it all alongside his students as part of the assignment for 11 years and never received any complaints until now. He told a TV station, "It's a standard canvas for performance art and body art. If they are uncomfortable with this gesture, they should not take the course." That I agree with him on. If you know that nudity is involved with this course, why would you take it? It makes absolutely no sense. 

     The student's mother, who was not identified, accused the professor of "perversity" and said the final exam was "just wrong." She added, "To blanketly say, 'You must be naked in order to pass my class,' it makes me sick to my stomach." Personally, I think if she paid more attention to her child's school schedule, she would have already known it was a requirement of the course. The fact that she's complaining about it during final exams, proves she didn't know her daughter has been posing nude all semester. 

     Facebook users sprinkled the TV station's Facebook page with their own comments about the course like "As a teacher, I'm appalled that this professor is doing this in the name of teaching art." Another user wrote, "There are many other ways to get students to dig deeper into themselves to learn, grow and experience." Those who actually took the course endorsed the nudity day--"We had a choice between being nude or doing something emotionally 'naked' and every student but one chose to do the nude performance." Another commenter said, "It was uncomfortable for some of us but we were adults and knew what we were getting ourselves into from day one of the class." Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner! Key phrase right there! "We knew what we were getting ourselves into from day one of the class." As the professor said, if nudity is a problem for you, this isn't the class for you. The mother of this student needs to stand down because right now, she just looks like an ass. If her daughter knew that she had to be nude at the end of the semester, she could have easily dropped the class at the beginning. It sounds to be someone was failing the class and reported it to mommy and daddy, so they can bitch about it to the news. Just saying!

"HE" WAS SEMEN JACKED!

     My favorite stories this week have come from my buds. I didn't even have to do any research to write my blogs this week. And by the way, don't post awesome stories on my Facebook page. How am I supposed to write about them if you already posted it on my page? Send them to me in a private message. Today's story comes from my bud, Hector Castro and it's a great one that belongs in the "Why doesn't this crap ever happen to me?" category.

     Anyway, a man in South Africa was recently kidnapped at gunpoint and raped by three women who collected his semen in a cooler and stole it before abandoning their victim. Yup! He was raped for his sperm. Does that technically count as a foursome? I can just picture it, "Oh, don't touch me there! Hey, don't put that in there! Stop stroking it like that!" Much to my surprise, this method is part of a growing trend. I guess that means my brothers better read this blog as a warning so you don't get "JACKED!" 

     The 33-year-old man gave the women directions when they pulled up in a black BMW. Suddenly, one of the women armed with a gun got out and forced him into the back of the car at gunpoint. The three then drove the man almost 300 miles from where he was and fondled him in the back of the car, but he did not become aroused, so they forced him to drink some "unknown substance" from a bottle to help out his shortcomings. The guy was probably scared out of his mind. Then again, having three women fondle you with a gun to your head should have done the trick. It would have for me. Just sayin'. 

     As I was saying; once he became aroused, that's when the fun started and the women raped the poor guy repeatedly and collected his semen in plastic bags and then placing them in coolers. I'm sure these women didn't look as hot as we're envisioning, which makes this story pretty messed up. Again, I say, "The poor guy."

     The man was then kicked out of the car almost 300 miles from where they picked him up in the Kwazakhele township of Port Elizabeth in South Africa, while the women made off with his stolen jizz. The exact same method is being used by women in Gauteng, South Africa, who are also forcing men to drink from a bottle and stealing their semen, but no arrests have been made. Police, who have now opened a rape investigation, have said, "This is really confusing to us because we have never heard of such a thing before. The man was fully conscious throughout his ordeal and he is still traumatized."

     I have no idea what to even make of this. All I know is that if three women held me at gunpoint, I tell them to put the gun down. It's unnecessary. Just take whatever you need from me and then drop me off wherever when you're done. I mean, seriously, if you want my sperm that bad, just have at it. These women must have been pretty beastly for this guy to be this traumatized. This story was great though! Thanks again, Hector! And be careful out there, fellas!

WHAT A CRAPPY THING TO DO TO SOMEONE!

     I want to start today's blog off with a quick note that one of my best buds on the planet, Scotty O is the truly the best! He's always a plethora of useless knowledge (well, useful to me), he always has my back on everything, and he always comes through with amazing stories like this one for me! That's a true brother! Thank you, Scotty O! 

     So, Scotty sent me this amazing story yesterday about a Virginia woman who admitted to spreading human feces (shit) that contained an infectious bacteria all over a co-worker's workspace and was sentenced to only two-years probation, according to the Winchester Star. 

     Andrea Edwards was so angry with her colleague at a laboratory that she collected a stool sample (shit) from a client she tested knowing it contained a type of bacteria that could cause infection, diarrhea, stomach pain and death. The 31-year-old then took the sample and smeared it on the victim's computer mouse and desk chair. Am I the only one crying with laughter over this? I mean, yes, this is messed up, but damn, she must have hated this co-worker. 

     Edwards was spared from serving any jail time but will continue to spend the next year under supervised probation. I have to say that Miss Edwards is very lucky because her intent here was to harm someone; so to walk away with only two-years probation for a disgusting act, she better thank her lucky stars. Just be careful who you piss off in a lab because you could be the next to get shit on! This story was great! Thanks again, Scotty O!

WHO IS GUILTY HERE? THE SEX OFFENDER OR THE STAFFERS? OR THE COUNTY?

     I read this story this morning and my head is still spinning from it. Let's see if we can make sense out of this together. So, an Oregon inmate whose sexual relations with two former jail staffers led to their firing and recent convictions has now filed his notice of intent to sue the county for sexual harassment. Are you kidding me? Is that even possible? 

     The inmate, identified as registered sex offender Jeng-Li Delgado-Galban (Funny! He doesn't look Chinese!) claims he was violated by the two female guards whole incarcerated at the Washington County Jail. The 25-year-old now plans to seek damages for his multiple separate, romps with the women in a supply closet. I feel like I'm reading something from the HBO series Oz. So, basically, this inmate is a registered sex offender, had consensual sex with these county jail staffers and he thinks he can sue them for sexual harassment? It doesn't get any better than this.

     According to his complaint, "These actions violated the Eighth Amendment to United States Constitution's prohibition of sexual harassment and abuse of an inmate by corrections personnel." 38-year-old, Jill Curry and 32-year-old Brett Robinson, who served as service technicians at the maximum security facility, have both since pleaded guilty to charges related to the case. Curry, who was married to a sheriff's deputy at the time, was sentenced to four years and two months in prison this past March. Both confessed to releasing the inmate from his cell for sex, but claim that he pursued and manipulated them. Listen, I get the whole firing of these staffers because they did wrong, but to allow this guy to file a sexual harassment case against the county. I'm still not sure about that. 

     During Curry's sentencing, a presiding judge remarked the tort lawsuit, saying, "He doesn't deserve the taxpayers' money. They're going to have to pay, there's no doubt in my mind." In addition to claim of sexual abuse, the prisoner's tort law also makes a point of addressing the quality of food he was been provided, specifically nutraloaf while behind bars in April and May. What the hell is nutraloaf? Apparently, that food is often used as a disciplinary meal to prisoners with it containing essential nutrients but being unappetizing enough to be considered cruel and unusual punishment by some. I think he has more of a case on that than the sexual harassment case. He's a sex offender for crying out loud. What court will believe that he's the one who was harassed? 

     The inmate argues that he didn't break any of the rules that warranted any discipline. He's reportedly behind bars for four separate cases following allegations of tampering with a witness, sexual harassment, failure to register as a sex offender, false swearing, harassment, second-degree assault and unlawful used of a weapon. So, I ask again, does this guy have a case? I guess some inmates will use any excuse for their freedom. I don't think he's winning this one. Then again, our judicial system is pretty messed up in this country. 

FROM FACEBOOK TO KIDDIE PORN

     My late aunt was always a stickler when it came to us posting family photos on Facebook. She was always a very private person. One time when my cousin had her second child, my wife and I went to see the baby. We took some pictures with the baby and I posted a couple of pictures on Facebook. My aunt flipped out. She asked me to take it down because she didn't want photos of her granddaughter circulating the internet with sickos out there. At the time, I felt she was overreacting just a bit. Then, I read this story and it seemed my aunt was right on target with her gut feeling. 

     It turns out; this Utah mother's benign family Facebook pictures of her 8-year-old daughter wound up on nearly a dozen porn sites thanks to a secret pervert. Brittany Champagne (I know...It sounds like a porno name.) said that she discovered the photos of the girl Wednesday night on a fake Instagram account that claimed to be an 11-year-old bisexual girl, a feed that also included photos of Champagne and her 9-month-old boy. 

     The sick social media hack apparently lifted the photos from Champagne's Facebook page and uploaded them to the bizarre Instagram feed while tagging several porn website feeds in the posts. Champagne, who lives in Riverton, near Salt Lake City, later found the images on "at least 11 porn sites." Without sounding like a perv, I'm wondering what these photos of her daughter look like if they are on porn sites. I mean, I can't imagine that a porn site would want just a random photo of a little girl. Then again, they might because there are some sickos out there. 

     Champagne had set her Facebook page to allow only her friends to view her pictures, but she'll now avoid posting any family photos whatsoever. She reported what happened to the Unified Police Department, who told her it didn't appear a crime had been committed. Um, how about child pornography? Using someone's likeness to sell something without their consent? Those two things are legal? 

      Champagne has been working tirelessly to the photos taken down and she said she felt "like the worst mom" when she saw her family photos on the raunchy sites. She said, "I feel beyond violated, so I don't even know what my kids would feel." Unfortunately, Facebook is a public domain and you do risk your photos getting stolen, but to steal photos of an 8-year-old girl and use it for a porn site, you definitely have some issues. I mean I guess my aunt was right to worry about posting photos of kids on sites like Facebook. My sister always posts photos of my nieces and nephews on Facebook, but it's because she wants her friends and family who don't live close by to be able to watch the kids grow. So, this is just insane and I hope Facebook can protect it's users from something like this in the future.

CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN

     I seriously have no words for this one. I mean, I understand fetishes like beastiality and stuff like that, but I still don't understand what possesses people to do what they do? This is 27-year-old Ryan Otey. He was recently arrested at a Texas senior home because he was caught with his pants down in a 76-year-old woman's bed. Ew!

     Otey, who worked at the senior home in Cedar Hill, Texas, sexually assaulted the elderly victim who has "limited mental faculties," according to Cedar Hill police. A co-worker walked in on the disturbing scene of Otey on top of the lady with his pants down and pumping away this past Thursday and called the police immediately. 

     Detective interviewed Otey and he provided a statement detailing his activities with the resident at Crescent Place Assisted Living and Memory Care. So, basically, he screwed an elderly woman, who was probably suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's Disease. What is wrong with people. Are we that hard up to have sex? This guy makes those teachers having sex with their students look like angels! At least in that situation, the sex is somewhat consensual. In this case, it's like banging a corpse. Is it possible that he did this because he knew that the woman would never remember it? Either way is absolutely disgusting!

     Otey was charged with sexual assault of an elderly/disabled person and held on $100,000 bond at Dallas County Jail. Police continue to investigate Otey on whether he attacked any other residents at the facility. I'm more curious as to what the family of the woman is saying. Are they pressing any charges? Did she even have any family? Maybe she didn't since she was in this assisted living home. Based on this mugshot, I would be testing Otey for drugs, as well. This kid is a sicko. Am I the only one who thinks he looks like the guy who plays Penguin on the TV show Gotham? 

TALLYWACKERS? YEAH, NO THANKS!

     

So, Hooters was always an awesome place for its wings, beers, sports and breasts (whichever way you want to take that). And it was no secret, Hooters was a place for guys. Normally, you wouldn't take a date there, even though, I do remember my cousin bringing my aunt there one time for the wings. That was a little odd.

     Anyway, Hooters may have met its match, for the ladies that is. An all-male Hooters inspired restaurant, which will probably have an endless supply of franks and beans jokes, is planning to open next month in Dallas. The eatery named Tallywackers, which will include alcohol and 6-packs, could open in the city's gayborhood section on May 9, according to owner Rodney Duke. 

     Duke told the Kidd Kraddick Morning Show he pondered the idea for 10 years why there wasn't a male equivalent of this type of breastaurant eatery where women are dressed in skimpy and revealing clothing. He said, "I just decided one day, 'let's just do it!' There's not anything like it anywhere and sure enough here we are opening next month."

     The restaurant will hire attractive men with pleasing physiques, but will make some modifications from the business plan of places like Hooters that cater to a limited adult male audience. Besides the male employee, one area that will set them apart will be the menu, which will include comfort food like all types of weiners (kidding!), pasta and even a kids' menu "just in case." Um, what? Yeah, this place seems totally kids-friendly! What will they serve the kids? Pigs in a blanket?

     Customers who walk in will also be able to choose which servers' section they want to sit in. And along with major sporting events, they will host parties for happenings like the Academy Awards. I hate this place already! The company has placed advertisements on its Facebook page featuring shirtless models, but attire for the employees are still being designed, according to Duke. He added that it will probably include a tight red T-shirt and boxer-briefs. Shirtless would not work because chest hair is against the health code. Duke said, "We want to hire a wide variety of men. Everyone has a different type." 


     Duke dodged some of the easy jokes like if the business had a firm opening or will they be serving cucumber salad, but he did admit there is a spicy burger on the menu named "the flamer." So what? Tallywackers spokesman Winston Lackey says, "The establishment will be fun, respectable environment, of course with a little eye candy." Yeah, if you're a girl or if you're homosexual! Not that there's anything wrong with that at all! I have many gay friends and I'm happy to see a place like this for them, but you'll never find me in one.....Unless, I really have to be there....Like if my wife made me! Yeah, right!

     The word "tallywackers" originates from the employee whose job it was to count cattle when it was herded into the pen, but now the word is used as slang for the male sexual organ. There has been a lot of anticipation for this eatery to open its doors, which I still can't understand. Lackey said he expects a diverse group of people will be checking everything out when it opens. He said, "We've had all walks of life interested and we well welcome them all." Okay, here's where I stand on this. My wife has come with me to Hooters for a sporting event and we had fun, but if she thinks I'm ever going to a place called Tallywackers, she's got another thing coming. That's a big "HELL NO!"