One of my most awesome friends on the planet, Susan, sent me this story this morning and said for some reason, she thought of me. To that, I say, "Thank you, Susan!" That being said; who knew having the world's largest penis would be such a drag? Ask the new world record holder for having the longest penis, Roberto Esquivel Cabrera.
The 52-year-old Mexican measured in at a whopping 18.9 inches, with a tip circumference of 10 inches (what the hell?), all of which was certified by World Record Academy officials on Sunday. Cabrera was seeking recognition by Guinness Book of World Records, but had to settle for the less famous, World Record Academy because, get this, Guinness confirmed that it had no category for penis size.
The World Record Academy stepped right in after Mr. Cabrera shared his story with a local journalist. He told the journalist how his massive member ruined his life, preventing him from having a relationship and even getting a job. He actually showed the journalist, "Look where it is, it goes far below the knees. I cannot do anything. I cannot work. I am disabled so I want authorities to declare me as a disabled person and give me support." I feel Cabrera's pain, but he's wrong! He can work! I'm almost positive a porn company would be more than happy to pay him to be on film. Plus, he would be having sex with various women, so he'd be killing two birds with one stone. Unless, of course, he's just that lazy and doesn't want to work.
Women were too frightened to have sex with him, so he had never had a long-term girlfriend, let alone a wife. In 2011, Mr. Cabrera was deported from the U.S. to Saltillo in the north-eastern part of Mexico, where he lives alone in a room that his brothers gave him. He survived on social assistance and scavenges for food and materials on waste dumps. He has no friends and say people "shun" him wherever he goes. You would think he was Frankenstein or something. I kind of feel bad for Mr. Cabrera. He was born with a boa in his pants and is not using it to its full potential. Instead, he seems to be playing the martyr. Then again, based on this x-ray photo, the penis does look rather deformed. It almost looks like the Elephant Man of penises. The x-ray photo was taken, before his record was made official, to support his application for disability. I have to be honest; before I realized this was an x-ray, I thought it was a map showing where Cabrera was from. Just sayin'!
Some experts have suggested Cabrera consider a shaft reduction operation, but it's not clear what his thoughts are on the subject. The previous record holder for penis length was an American named Tim Louie.....Just kidding! Johan Falcon, who hung around about 13.38 inches, which was still dwarfed by Cabrera's manhood. Some guys might say that they wished for Cabrera's problems, but would you really? I mean 19 inches is a little much. Don't you think? If I was him, I would highly consider trimming down that shaft. This is no way to live. Thanks again, Susan, for thinking of me! Haha!