IT'S A CRAPPY JOB, BUT THEY PAY YOU $13,000

     No one loves pooping or pooping stories more than me. It's no wonder why this story my be my favorite story of the year! Not to mention, I may even partake in the study! 

     Anyway, here's your chance to turn your brown body waste into some serious green stuff! A Massachusetts health company is buying healthy stool samples and paying people up to $13,000 a year for them to make sure there is a steady stream of fecal matter to treat a nasty intestinal infection. I know $13,000 might not sound like a lot, but dude! All you have to do is poop! You can no supplement any salary by doing what people love to do most besides have sex! 

     According to Carolyn Edelstein, an executive with the OpenBiome lab, "It's definitely something curious and funny about being paid to defecate, but it's a simple idea of being able to help patients." The patients Edelstein is speaking of are suffering from Clostidrium difficile infection and fecal transplants have proven to be a very effective treatment. The hardest part is getting enough poop.

     Donors between the ages of 18 and 50 must first pass 27 blood and stool tests just to qualify. Plus, they need to live or work near OpenBiome's Medford, Massachusetts offices and be able to poop at least four times a week. Man, I can go at least four times a day if I ate or drank the right stuff! Hello, lactose! Donors are re-screened every 60 days to make sure their cowpies remain up to snuff.

     The non-profit's co-founder James Burgess said, "It's a pretty invasive thing having an incentive program helps insure we can keep our donors." There are currently 16 donors. They can receive up to $250 a week or $40 per sample and extra $50 if they show up five days in one week. Edelstein added, "It's such a big commitment that it makes sense to pay donors."
 
     Donating your dung isn't simply a matter of producing it because only 4% of would-be stool givers are approved. The First National Bank of Guano may make you wrinkle your nose, but Clostidrium difficile is no laughing matter. The pathogens cause diarrhea, fever, nausea and abdominal pain and antibiotics don't work for about 20% of patients. Fecal transplants can put them out of their misery. OpenBiome processes and ships the crap to hospitals around the country. Burgess said, "We view it as filling a gap in the public health system." Plus you make cash for crapping! It really doesn't get better than this, people! You can save a life just by pooping! It's a crappy job, but somebody has to do it! Might as well be me!