PENIS BITER!

     First of all, cut the crap about that stupid dress already! Who the hell cares what color that dumb thing is? Have we become that stupid of a society that we care about a dress that none of us is wearing? Not that I wear dresses, but the fact that every news outlet and social media page in America this morning is dedicated to figuring out what color this stupid dress is, makes me question my faith in humanity or at least the human brain. 
   
     That being said; I have the best story of the day right here, but I have to ask you first....Would you date this girl? Because you might not want to after I tell what I'm about to tell you. So, it turns out, an Oklahoma amputee woke up only to find his girlfriend allegedly trying to bite off his penis. WHAT? First of all, ouch! Second of all, what a bitch! What color dress do you think she was wearing when she tried to bite his penis off? Anyway, the amputee, Robert Lowery, 36, has secured a restraining order that bans 32-year-old Amber Ellis from being within 100 yards of him. Screw that! I'd rather have her 100 cities away from me. 

     The terrifying alleged attack took place at his Tulsa home on February 19. He told police they'd argued following a night of drinking. I'm sure it had to do with another girl or something. Aren't most drunken arguments over another girl? Apparently, not this time. Ellis reportedly became unglued when he said she was "too needy." Yup! That would do it! After a night of drunken arguing, Lowery ended up sleeping on the couch, but woke up when he felt something gnawing on his penis. When he looked down, he found Ellis with her teeth locked around his manhood like a rabid dog! Allegedly, she was trying to tear his junk off of his body! 

     Lowery wrote in a handwritten District Court petition, "Then she tried to bite my finger off. Then she hit me over my head with a laptop. I ran out, called my mother and went to the hospital." Lowery needed several stitches at the base of his penis following the alleged assault. He was also treated at St. John Medical Center for injuries to his fingers, head and neck. Okay, the story said Lowery was an amputee, but never said what part of his body had been amputated. Unless they meant his penis was amputated? 

     A judge agreed to issue the temporary court protection order, which also bans Ellis from having any form of contact with her ex. It could be made permanent on March 15. She is currently being held in a Tulsa jail on a $45,000 bond, facing felony assault and maiming charges. So, I ask you again.....Anyone want to date this 'penis biting' witch? What if she was wearing that dumb dress that many Americans are wasting their time thinking about?